sad

[dragonfly411]

I wouldn''t say we are fully taking a break, as we are mostly the same and still living together... but we are definitely taking a major step back. There have been several issues recently... including arguing... me sitting at home (again), and I think he is absolutely TERRIFIED of being engaged and getting married. I think he''s afraid of things ending up the way his dad and mom did. I''m very sad, but I think it''s a good thing for both of us. We are still young. We have both clarified we still love each other very much, and we will see how things unfold. I certainly have my problems, I''m very insecure due to past relationships, and I''m stubborn and sometimes a big clingy. I inherit a bit of an argumentativeness. I hope we can make it. I''ve been with him for 4 years... and we have such wonderful memories together and when things are right, they are RIGHT.

I''d mostly appreciate support. I know some of you can be brutally honest of how you feel, but as I said, we are mostly normal... I want to give this a chance... we have been through soooooooooooo much to let a little arguing and a young spirit destroy us. I feel some of you on here are my friends, and I need my friends now. Anyways, We will see I guess.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi dragonfly,

I''m sorry you''re feeling down. I haven''t read all of your posts about your relationship, so I don''t know much about you. What I do know if that relationships take A LOT of work. I remember when I was in my early twenties with my husband, and that was when it was the hardest for him (committment wise) we broke up for a while and he actually dated another girl. There''s a lot of growing pains in there, I think it''s harder for guys (I assume he''s around your age) because I think they get there a little later then women do. All you can do, is do your best, and give the most you can (while respecting yourself) to the relationship. You can''t control what he wants or is afraid of. Sometimes with fears, it just takes time to adjust to them, or to decide that you no longer want to be afraid. For example,
I was deathly afraid of getting married; I was engaged for 4 years before I overcame that. I have been DEATHLY afraid of flying. But finally this year, at the age of 29, I finally said enough and got on that plane for the first time of my life!

If you have a good foundation for a relationship, sometimes, all it takes it patience on your part, and some time.

Hugs!

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you Ally. That sounds very familiar... and it''s reassuring. His fears are not ill founded. Save my grandparents (who constantly argue anyways) and his grandparents he''s never seen a lasting relationship. His mother divorced twice and has never settled again. His father never dated nor remarried. His uncle is divorced and JUST remarried. My parents are divorced. His aunt has never married. I think his terror is mostly b/c of his parents... especially his mom. She''ll date and it always ends badly. I think he''s terrified that we''ll get married, and end up divorced.. or that I''ll leave him... and he hates arguing so I know that us recently bickering really upsets him. I''m hoping that with a little time, and talking, his fears will begin to dissipate.

 

[TooPatient]

I''m sorry dragonfly.

Divorce can really change how people see/feel about marriage. Are either of you in counseling? It might help some.

I know that I have fears about marriage/divorce because of stuff I''ve seen and the same is true of FI. It makes things a lot harder.

Give him time and support. (a good psychologist would be a help too) I''m sure he''ll be able to understand his feelings/fears better over time.


Until then, BIG HUGS to you.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hi! I''d just like to say that I know how you feel

But I think your mind set in all of this is really important and your thinking is right on target. Personally, I think sometimes couples NEED to take a step back after being in a long term relationship so that they can truly be able to appreciate each other again. A lot of times after dating for as long as you have, people tend to become very comfortable in the relationship and sometimes, begin to take advantage of the other. Not saying this is how you guys were by any means, but I think some space apart is going to help you guys tremendously and will only help your relationship down the road in becoming even stronger then what it may be today.

Keep your head up, everything does happen for a reason...even if you''re unable to see the big picture right NOW, you WILL see it in the future.

 

[Indylady]

Dragonfly, lots of hugs and well wishes to you!

 

[HappyNewLife]

I''m sorry you''re sad. I am however, proud of you for knowing when things are right and wrong and that things need to change before you marry him. I think a lot of people think getting married will be the band-aid for the relationship and that''s so untrue. Good luck, I hope you two can work it out.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m sorry you''re sad, dragonfly. Have you considered an actual break? Where you would move out and live separately? It seems like it''s going to be hard to take a step back when you''re still living together. You''re still young and if it''s not working, maybe it''s time to move on.

Also, I would suggest counseling for your boyfriend if he''s really that commitment-phobic and afraid of marriage. Marriage is obviously important to you and you''ve been with him for 4 years. Without some sort of intervention it doesn''t seem like his attitude towards marriage is going to change.

My husband''s parents have both been divorced multiple times and he wasn''t scared to get married, so I don''t think the two necessarily have to go hand in hand.

Best of luck to you!

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry this is happening Dragonfly - I hope that you both get as much from this sad experience as possible

 

[monarch64]

For once I don''t really know what to say, but I would like you to know that i wish you the best of luck, Dragonfly. Hugs.

 

[junebug17]

I''m really sorry you and SO are going through a rough period Dragonfly, I hope you two can work things out. Hugs to you!!

 

[sillyberry]

I''m sorry Dragonfly. Most importantly, take care of yourself through this. ::hugs::

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I''m terrified of marriage. Not because I don''t want to get divorced, but because I don''t want to be unhappily married. I watched my parents break eachother and me down and I don''t want that. It''s my biggest fear. So I can totally see myself hyperventilating when the time comes (if the time comes).
I know it must be really frustrating for you, but he obviously loves you. Just be patient with him.
Hugs!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I watch my parents relationship break down, then my dad come out as gay, all the while trying to be a pillar of strength for both of them.

It made me not afraid of marriage but definitely created a strong desire to be SO ENTIRELY SURE, and I am.

On the other hand if he ever come out as gay I have told him I will never forgive him

not dealing with that again! (I do love my dad to bits though).

 

[MayFlowers]

Oh I''m so sorry for what you''re going through dragonfly. I wish you the best of luck and happiness!

 

[sunnyd]

DF, don''t settle for someone just because you''ve been with them for 4 years. That''s not long in the grand scheme of things, and honestly, I think you can do better based on what you''ve written here over the years.

I''ve been in your shoes (left my ex 2 weeks before our 4 year anniversary) and I''m now so glad I realized how incompatible we were when I did, because I wouldn''t be with my husband now if I hadn''t. Yeah sure we were friends and loved each other, lived together, had 2 dogs and 2 cats together, etc etc, but it was just off. Everything happens for a reason...

 

[HopeDream]

I''m sorry you''re going throught a difficult time Dragonfly411.

I think relationships that span teen years and early twenties are so fragile, because of all the individual growth and change that happens in that time (figuring out who you really are etc.). Travel can be really refreshing - to physicaly get away and examine your life from an outside perspective.

Divorce is a very real worry these days and thought we don''t like to think of it, half of us LIWs will probably divorce eventualy (and don''t worry: if we do it will be the right thing to do at that time). I think divorce is preventable by not marrying the wrong person in the first place.

I wish the best for you and your BF, and I hope he moves past his fears, and that you both grow in understanding eachother.

 

[RaiKai]

Sorry to hear this dragon.

I echo those who say that don''t make the mistake of thinking of your "time in" as an "investment" that you have to keep seeing through. Life, and relationships, do not work that way. If there are fundamental issues with your communication, the health of yourselves and the relationship and so on....it is time to either go to counseling and give that a chance, or go different ways (at least with a temporary separation) as what you are doing to date is NOT working. Continuing to live together and verbalizing a "step back" does not change anything and won''t help things - really, I have been there.

What I am saying is that I don''t see it as healthy when you include statements like "we have such wonderful memories together and when things are right...they are RIGHT". Why is there so much wrong in between those times? I don''t know all those wrongs, but I will say that relationships - while they require work - should not in themselves be hard. The difference is hard to explain, but it is there. I won''t go as far as to say my own marriage is always rainbows and puppies...but we certainly aren''t locked in a power struggle...our communication is excellent, as well as the openness, honesty and authenticity. Where there is conflict we handle it as a TEAM, and we are both open to personal self-exploration and awareness (i.e. through counseling and the like). We certainly do not have to rely on "wonderful memories" or that "when things are right...they are RIGHT" to see us through. And we don''t let our fears, insecurities or "tendencies" control us or how we relate to each other.

I already wrote this to another poster this morning....but lots of people have very personal experiences with divorce, or, far worse in my opinion, experience with very long unhappy marriages. And they still get married. DH and I both have seen it up close....and we have also both had former common-law marriages breakdown and we have had to go through legal separations. I do not ever want to go through a divorce (or another separation), and I did have some anxieties about marriage (in the general sense...not to my husband!) but I also recognize it is not the end of the world and it is not a given that you will end up in divorce either. If your SO is that paralyzed by the fear of divorce he needs COUNSELING. Time is unlikely to change that. I also recognize however he is quite young, and I don''t think those fears are that uncommon at that age.

And, the same goes for you. It is time for you to talk to someone about your insecurities, your own tendency to argue and so forth. As well as your own understanding of relationships and so forth. A professional someone. As you cannot let these insecurities and so on continue to have such an influence on your life choices and reactions.

I don''t know you very well. And I do think some of my response above is tainted by my own experiences - especially when I was your age - but I do think that there is so much out there in the world for you than you understand at this moment. Maybe together (and individually) you two can go to counseling, and be on a new path together of growth and understanding...or maybe not...but in either case it sounds like something is needed...a change is needed...and a demonstrated effort on both your parts is needed. I do hope you can see I am trying very much to reach out to you as *friend* here.

 

[blacksand]

I''m sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I don''t have much to offer in the way of advice, except that I have been in the position of not wanting to let go of something that had lasted for almost six years and had once made me so happy. I know in my case, I was holding on to a memory, and when I seriously examined my present situation, I realized it was not worth holding onto at all. It was unfortunate, and very painful, but it allowed me to get to where I am now, with a man I am much more compatible with and a much happier, more stable life. I''m not saying this will necessarily be the same for you. Your path may be nothing like mine. But I hope you will soon find exactly what is right and will make you happiest in the long run.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

LOL, yes we're brutally honest; however, as we've said time and time again, it comes from a place of love.

You're not the first person I know to be in this situation DF. My good friend just had her dreams crushed recently when her long time bf told her he wasn't ready to get engaged and didn't know when he would be. He told her this under the cherry blossoms in DC on the day she thought he was going to propose.

Needless to say it was heartbreaking but not the end of the world. They took a deep breath and a big step back, assessed the situation, identified the issues, made a plan to rectify them and put their plan into action. He ended up in therapy to work through some stuff and they moved into separate bedrooms to give each other space and to essentially get rid of the "free milk" she'd been dishing out to him for years.

It's been a few months since this happened and I'm thrilled to say they're getting back on track. I truly think this unfortunate incident and temporary break helped them in the long run because it opened up the channels of communication and they were able to take some time to work on who they are as people so they could come back and approach the relationships as two halves of a whole versus just parts. Does that make sense?

Anyway, my point is, this might be the end of your relationship or it might just be a bump in the road for you guys. Only the two of you can make that call, but what is ultimately going to determine the outcome is how you both deal with it. Act like adults and sit down and discuss the situation rationally from a non-emotional standpoint. Maybe even take yourself out of the girlfriend/lover role and try to approach it as his friend. It sounds like right now he's dealing with some anxiety about the commitment and permanency of marriage. That's totally normal and expected for a guy his age, and especially normal from a guy who's the child of divorce. This issue has no bearing on you as a person. Please understand that. You could be a rich, brilliant, sex kitten of a supermodel and if he's not ready for marriage, none of that will matter.

So stay positive and try and work through it. But understand that you do have some control here. You can bail whenever you feel you've had enough and just because you've invested four years doesn't mean you have to invest one more minute of your life if you feel it's not worth it in the long run.

 

[luckynumber]

sorry things are going so badly for you dragonfly

i agree with both HH and RK.

try to focus on strengthening your relationship and don''t concentrate on the road to engagement at all for now.

hope things work out for you.

hugs

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you all very much. I agree with what every one of you has to say in some way. I certainly won''t let myself settle, but I do feel like we''ve had a wonderful relationship until more recently and I want to give it a chance. We both talked for a while and agreed that we''d like for this to be viewed as a temporary step back, to breathe, clear our minds... try to pin point where we have had issues (like I for one already realize that I let little things rub me wrong for no reason), and talk about what we would need to do to not let those things happen. I''m hoping it works for the best.
I did ask the mods to remove this thread for two reasons. One I don''t want to keep coming back, I want to try to keep as positive an outlook as possible, and really think of this as us working for a positive renewal of our relationship. 2) the internet has recently freaked me out, and I don''t want this or much of anything personal, traced to me. I thank you all SO much for your support and your thoughts, they help a lot, and help me to keep things in perspective.

 

[Bellafelis]

I''m sorry you''re going through this. When I read your post, it sounded like you were talking about stuff I am also recently going through... almost word for word. With my SO and I, we started talking about engagement and marriage, and all of a sudden we''re fighting and he''s nervous about making that commitment, and I feel like we just keep moving backwards. We love each other and want things to work, but there are doubts, and that''s hard to deal with. No real advice, but *hugs* and hope you guys get through this quickly and successfully.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/19/2010 1:03:48 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Thank you all very much. I agree with what every one of you has to say in some way. I certainly won''t let myself settle, but I do feel like we''ve had a wonderful relationship until more recently and I want to give it a chance. We both talked for a while and agreed that we''d like for this to be viewed as a temporary step back, to breathe, clear our minds... try to pin point where we have had issues (like I for one already realize that I let little things rub me wrong for no reason), and talk about what we would need to do to not let those things happen. I''m hoping it works for the best.
I did ask the mods to remove this thread for two reasons. One I don''t want to keep coming back, I want to try to keep as positive an outlook as possible, and really think of this as us working for a positive renewal of our relationship. 2) the internet has recently freaked me out, and I don''t want this or much of anything personal, traced to me. I thank you all SO much for your support and your thoughts, they help a lot, and help me to keep things in perspective.

I know you''re having this thread deleted and I can certainly understand why, but I am OMG''ing at the highlighted. You''ve already invested 4 years of working on yourself so far, Dragonfly. How much more time are you willing to allow someone to tell you what you need to change before he''ll put a ring on it? Really? It''s not you. It''s him. Find someone more deserving of your time. Preferably someone who likes to read and supports your hobbies and what makes you happy. Stop being the accessory to someone else''s life.

 

[dragonfly411]

Monarch - no one told me that... that''s my realization. It isn''t just with him, I sometimes do it with my family too. My grandpa and I sometimes have heated.... talks... b/c of little things he say that just.... rub me all wrong.... things I really shouldn''t even bother with.... like him saying my horses can go to new homes (grandpa says this lol). I have to learn to roll with the flow more.. and not be so.... uptight I guess is the word.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hon, just because you delete it doesn''t mean it will be gone. We''ll still remember it and you''ll still be living with it. I think you''re kind of trying to sweep it under the rug a little bit by doing so. I know it''s sad, and I know you''re hurt, but the thread being here doesn''t change the situation.

I also feel like you''re settling. I can''t help but see you try and try and try to change yourself, and nothing happening on the engagement/relationship front. Look, sometimes relationships don''t work. It''s not a failure of your effort, its just that sometimes they aren''t meant to be. I don''t think relationships are supposed to be this hard. Even your happy threads have a tone of sadness to them, and to be honest, you''ve had a lot of sad/unhappy threads for about the past year--and they have all been relating to your relationship. Thats how I have seen it anyway.

Sometimes things aren''t worth fixing. That''s all. I''ve been there, and so have many other women who have posted in this thread. Sometimes people just aren''t compatible, no matter how many memories or years they spend together.

I hope that you figure this out DF. I can tell you''re a strong, smart girl with a lot to offer. Many hugs to you.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/19/2010 1:27:58 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Monarch - no one told me that... that''s my realization. It isn''t just with him, I sometimes do it with my family too. My grandpa and I sometimes have heated.... talks... b/c of little things he say that just.... rub me all wrong.... things I really shouldn''t even bother with.... like him saying my horses can go to new homes (grandpa says this lol). I have to learn to roll with the flow more.. and not be so.... uptight I guess is the word.

But you''re NOT going with the flow when you''re talking about how you HAVE TO LEARN how to go with the flow. See what I''m saying? I''ve said it before and I will say it again: it shouldn''t be WORK to have a good/healthy relationship. You shouldn''t have to change things about yourself nor should your partner. Sigh. With experience comes wisdom and now I sound like an old lady...I''ll stop here and just sincerely wish you the best. You''re a well-meaning young woman with lots of life to live and a lot of passion and heart, I just hate to see you waste it on someone who really does not appreciate it.

 

[sunnyd]

DF, you've said that your past relationships have sucked. And now you feel like you're in a good relationship finally, so you don't want to let that go. I get that completely! But just because the relationship doesn't suck, doesn't mean it's right. I really hope you think about that before investing more time and effort into something that may not be worth it.

ETA: If you do decide to let him go and find the right person for you, you'll understand what Freke, Monnie, Rai and I have been saying. That sounds like a motherly thing to say (my mom said it to me after I broke up with the BF I mentioned above, that she knew it would end) but it's true. It's very much an 'oh, this is how it should be' kinda thing. And guess what? He won't want to change a thing about you.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/19/2010 1:48:29 PM
Author: sunnyd
DF, you''ve said that your past relationships have sucked. And now you feel like you''re in a good relationship finally, so you don''t want to let that go. I get that completely! But just because the relationship doesn''t suck, doesn''t mean it''s right. I really hope you think about that before investing more time and effort into something that may not be worth it.

ETA: If you do decide to let him go and find the right person for you, you''ll understand what Freke, Monnie, Rai and I have been saying. That sounds like a motherly thing to say (my mom said it to me after I broke up with the BF I mentioned above, that she knew it would end) but it''s true. It''s very much an ''oh, this is how it should be'' kinda thing. And guess what? He won''t want to change a thing about you.

There isn''t a large enough font or bold enough color to emphasize that statement further!!!!! There are people out there who will CELEBRATE all the great things about you, everything that makes Dragonfly, Dragonfly.

 

[Indylady]

DF- IIRC, you may be located near me. If you''d like, I''d love to have a GTG. Do you know where the Town Center is?