Relationships vs. Dating

[starrylight]

So my single male co-worker gives my "in a three year relationship" coworker advice on his relationship. How he should apologize that they can't do their anniversary date due to life getting in the way and other advice. I can't help but think that all his advice is for people that are dating (continuously charming and slightly phony).

Have you found that there are times when people are in a "dating" mentality and can't transition into being comfortably in a relationship that is more genuine?

 

[madelise]

I get what you mean by the phoniness of "dating".. vs. the reality and rawness of LTRs.
Sometimes I miss the charming phoniness. One of my first texts from SO this morning was something about farts.
I miss the, "Good morning, Sunshine " texts.

But I wouldn't trade in our raw, gritty realness for it.

I don't know anyone who can't trade the sweet woo-ing stage for a real relationship. I know opposite-- the bajillions of gals that cling on to any guy they have, and move too quick, and "love" them all, move in, and break up and are "devastated" over and over again. I think life is too phony.. so we crave that rawness and closeness. There's comfort in being able to not wear your makeup, and looking absolutely $hitastic, and not worrying about what he thinks. There's too much BS out there in the world (not that I personally put up with much of it), and faking to make it for everything. A bunch of people RUN at the chance of settling down with just an idea of a relationship.. Getting way too close, way too quick.. moving in.. farting.. not "trying" to be charming anymore.. and killing the relationship before it even blossoms.

Is your single co-worker afraid of commitment, or something? The obsession with the woo-ing stage appears to be a facade people put up to avoid the fact that they're just scared of committing, and failing or getting hurt. What did the advice recipient say in response to his telenovela advice?

 

[audball]

I would take my serious relationship that some may see as monotonous and boring over dating and newness any day of the week.

I do know people who are "free spirits" and don't want to "lose their options" or "be tied down". I don't get that mentality, but there are certainly people who have it.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I have always been a LTR gal. My first relationship lasted almost 6 years, and when we split and I started dating again, I was EXHAUSTED. I could not manage more than 1 date per week. It also felt phony to me too, like how can I pretend to be so infatuated with this person when I barely know them? I know there's that transition where you start to become closer and start to really value that person for who they are and not because of what they can offer you materially (like dinners, concerts, etc), but before that, I just can't pretend to like someone for the sake of dating them.

On the other hand, I don't think it's black and white - like dating is constantly charming, exotic, new exciting, while LTR is same old routine, farts, looking like crap with morning breath. My fiance and I try to keep things balanced by some weekends just hanging out or spending a weekend away, or trying something new like cooking a new dish or venturing to a different part of the city. We're always excited to share stories of our day, or share something funny we've read or seen. My fiance's biggest fear was losing his ability to "be on the prowl" and feel too tied down, but in the end he felt like we fit so well together because we can keep it exciting and not bore each other to death. We both appreciate being a constant presence in each other's lives, and every day I feel so lucky that I have him in my life.

 

[maccers]

LTRs have their charms too, it's just different than dating. I had a dog (still do) when I met SO, he'd never even had a family pet growing up. But SO has become so involved with my dog, loving him and taking care of him, it's really sweet. That said, we often have texts to one another about whether the dog poo'd on the walk (SO walks the dog in the morning, I walk the dog in the evening). Not very romantic but at the same time, charming to me bc my SO has really become involved with my dog. It's 'our' dog, our family.

 

[gem_anemone]

I would guess that it's possible that people in a "dating mentality" would give different relationship advice than someone in "long term mentality" because people in a "dating mentality" could be more likely give less meaningful advice. I think this would be due to the fact that they are more likely to treat their mate as disposable and may not know how to behave in a way that would help sustain a lasting relationship. However, I'm not sure how this relates your specific situation. I get the impression that the single dude told the 3-year relationship guy he should "apologize for not making the anniversary". Is there something you disagree with here? Do you think the relationship guy should drop everything and make the anniversary? Personally, there's not enough information there for me to make the call, but I think in this situation that apologizing could be acceptable. I don't think it's necessary to make every anniversary if there is something more pressing going on and as long as the couple can come to an agreement about how to celebrate then I see it as "no harm, no foul". Therefore, I don't see how there was questionable advice given in this particular situation and more specifically how it relates to whether or not the guy it came from was single....

FWIW, to me, the relationship guy is breaking one of my own personal "relationship" rules. If I was having an issue with my spouse I would not likely discuss it with coworkers. I think spilling private issues to coworkers is disrespectful to your spouse and places doubt in the minds of others as to the validity/strength/whathaveyou of your relationship. However, if I did happen to think there was someone that could help me I would consider seeking advice privately and I would get it from someone in (or previously in) a long term relationship or marriage and not a single, never-in-LTR dude because, frankly.... what does he know?

 

[MBKRH]

Like sweetpea&babycorn, I've always been a LTR girl. First guy was 18 months, second guy was 4 years, and the third was 6.5 years. I don't know how to have a normal "dating" period. I have a friend who's divorced, and is going on dates every other day, it seems. To me, that just wasn't something I wanted. I didn't really want LTR's either, but it just kind of happened. The bad part about that is investing so much time in guys that are so wrong for you. I look back now and think "Man..... can I get those years back?!?"

I do agree that there are people in the dating mentality (like my friend) and can't just settle with someone.
I commend her for getting out there, and trying to find someone. But I guess it's harder for her. She has an eight year old son, and has been divorced for quite a few years now. At 30 years old, it's difficult to find someone that is not only willing to accept you for who you are, but willing to accept any baggage you may have (including kids and ex-spouses). I know personally I couldn't date someone who's divorced and/or has kids. That's why I'm so grateful I found M, who was like me- in a shit relationship for way too long, and putting up with too much crap and getting no respect in return.

I recently told my friend to just settle down and let things happen. Currently she's torn between two guys, blah blah blah....
I love this girl to pieces, but is seems like she's coming across desperate sometimes.

Sorry, I totally went off on a tangent. (not to mention M came over and said "whatcha writin' over there?") eeep