Relationship with SIL

[CaliCushion]

My SIL (DH''s sister) is in town visiting for the week. she lost her job in May and wanted to visit us, so of course I said it was ok. We see her when we visit his family over Christmas (she lives at home), but she hasn''t stayed with us for a week before.

I have a very light work load this week, so I''ve been home a lot. My husband is at work during the day.

SIL got here Tuesday morning. She napped on the couch all AM. When she got up, I told her that later on I was going to grab coffee with a friend around the corner and I invited her. She didn''t want to come. She read some on the couch. Tuesday night DH and I went to the gym and she stayed at our place. I made dinner after. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to do the next day, and she told me that I didn''t need to entertain her.

Today, I invited her to lunch with me. She originally said yes, but then changed her mind and said she wasn''t going to be ready in time. She spent the entire day laying on our couch watching TV or on her laptop. We exchanged very few words.

It seems like every attempt I''ve made to spend time with her and have a relationship with her hasn''t gone as planned. I feel like she''s made it clear that she is here to visit her brother, not me. If I come along while they hang out, that''s fine, but I''m not needed.

We are exactly the same age (2. I get that we''re never going to have the relationship I''d like (getting our nails done, shopping, etc), but I''d like to have some sort of relationship. My husband says that I''m overreacting and that I just don''t "get" her. I''m social and outgoing, she is not. I like to be entertained, but she came here to get away from her parents and just relax. I just don''t understand this at all, and I find it rude for someone to be a guest at my house and not really want much to do with me.

Please tell me if I''m overreacting, if you''ve dealt with a similar situation, or if you have any advice!!!!!!

 

[Pandora II]

Sounds to me like she''s either very introverted or a bit depressed or even both. Maybe she''s been under a lot of stress with her parents?

I''m someone who needs a lot of space and can find it overwhelming to have to do sociable things when I''m not in the mood. However I would probably make the effort to do one thing if I was staying with someone. My sister on the other hand needs to be constantly entertained and can''t understand how I can be happy spending a lot of time on my own.

I wouldn''t worry, just do your own thing and if you invite her and she comes along then great, if not then that is fine too.

 

[gwendolyn]

Maybe going out to do things would be too stressful for her, if she''s very shy like it sounds she might be? Perhaps instead of offering to take her out somewhere, you could see if she wants to rent a movie and get some take-out and have a relaxing afternoon/evening in? That way she can relax and be in her pjs or whatever and not say anything, but she knows you''re going out of your way to do something with her that makes her comfortable. Reach out, but have it be more on her terms than yours, if that makes sense?

I hope it goes well and you can enjoy at least some time with her (and she with you). If not, just leave her to herself and maybe give her and her brother some time alone, in case she really misses him.

Wishing you the best with it, hon!

 

[CaliCushion]

Thanks for grounding me, Gwen and Pandora.

Part of the problem is that I see the relationships that many of my friends have with sisters and SILs, and I''m jealous. DH and I have been together for almost 5 years, and I met his sister 4 1/2 years ago (and see her every Thanksgiving and Christmas), so I don''t know if I see much changing.

I''m an only child, and SIL is my husbands only sibling, so she will be the only aunt to our children.

I should probably mention that SIL has called me a few times while drunk to cry/complain about things. She actually went to my bachelorette party, and a few weeks later called drunk and asked if I didn''t ask ber to be in a lot of pictures because she''s fat. I assured her that that was not the case, but clearly there are some issues going on....

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/27/2009 12:16:34 PM
Author: CaliCushion
Thanks for grounding me, Gwen and Pandora.


Part of the problem is that I see the relationships that many of my friends have with sisters and SILs, and I'm jealous. DH and I have been together for almost 5 years, and I met his sister 4 1/2 years ago (and see her every Thanksgiving and Christmas), so I don't know if I see much changing.


I'm an only child, and SIL is my husbands only sibling, so she will be the only aunt to our children.


I should probably mention that SIL has called me a few times while drunk to cry/complain about things. She actually went to my bachelorette party, and a few weeks later called drunk and asked if I didn't ask ber to be in a lot of pictures because she's fat. I assured her that that was not the case, but clearly there are some issues going on....

A few *weeks* later she brought up your bachelorette party and thought that maybe you thought she was too fat to be in photos?! Oh dear...maybe Pandora was bang on when she mentioned depression (especially since you said she's lost her job). Or perhaps just a massive inferiority complex around you? Maybe she feels like you look down on her? (Not saying you do at all, but that she thought she was 'too fat to be in photos' is really quite something...)

Regardless, if you want significant changes to your relationship, it sounds like you're going to need a lot of patience because you will need to tread lightly and with baby steps to make real progress with her, in my opinion. Start small, and see if it makes a difference. Time together in the same room at big family holidays is not the same as quality one-to-one time together, just you and her. Don't be fooled into thinking that X years together and Y family holidays = family bond. Sometimes people feel the most alone, unhappy, insignificant, ignored, etc. at holiday times as well, especially people who may be suffering from some sort of depression or major self-esteem issues.

That being said, I can see how her actions can make you feel as if she is being rude. In your place, I would be disgruntled if a house guest was that dismissive of me. But you have nothing to gain from getting angry at her, and if she *is* dealing with some sort of emotional problems (whatever they may be), then you could potentially really help her out if you look past her seemingly rude behaviour to try to understand what's really going on with her.

Again, here's hoping that things between the two of you improve, even if only just by one little baby step.

 

[tigian]

SIL relationships can be complicated, but it really sounds like your SIL has issues with herself rather than with you. I would try not to take it personally (I know it's hard) and just continue to try and include her. I think she may be intimidated by you since you are so social and outgoing whereas she is not. Maybe suggest going to a movie together, maybe make lunch together so she doesn't have to leave the house. I think little by little she will see that you truly care and will warm up to you. Good luck!

 

[Londongirl1]

I would just give her some time and space. She''s lost her job so she''s not feeling on top of the world right now. In her shoe, I''d probably just want to stay in and be left alone. I agree with another post which said don''t take it personally.

 

[Elmorton]

Agree - give her some space. I have some friends I visit because I want to hang out and be chatty, and others because I know that when I'm with them I can relax and enjoy the quiet. While personally, I'd probably be a little hurt in your shoes too, I think it's probably just that your SIL is enjoying the quiet and peace, which may be the best SIL relationship she can imagine.

As an only child, I reaaaaaally wanted to be BFF with my SIL. And we were, pretty much until DH proposed. I don't know if that had anything to do with her pulling back, but I do know that the harder I tried to reach out, the more she pulled away. Two years later, I've basically accepted that my SIL may or may not actually come through if I/we make plans with her, and I've stopped being hurt when she cancels or acts cooly around me. Frankly, she's just moody. When she wants to spend time with us on her terms, it's really fun, so I've just learned to give her space and let her open up when she wants.

 

[mtjoya]

I am sorry that you are in this sticky situation. I understand exactly how you feel. I always try to talk to my SIL and I always get one worded answers. I hate that. I wish that we had a closer relationship, like go out shopping etc. but I don''t see that happening. I basically just say hi and bye and gave up.

We are both pregnant and now it seems that she is the one that is reaching out to me. I believe that if you let her be and give her some space she will come around. I hope that this works!