Rehearsal Dinner - Input please!

[ts44]

I need some advice, help, talking-down, etc on the subject of the rehearsal dinner. My fiance has decided that he wants to be in charge of it.

When he asked me for ideas, my suggestion for the rehearsal dinner was to have a clambake at my grandparent''s house. They have a lovely house right on the shore of Lake Erie with a big backyard and a beach, and offered their house immediately for the rehearsal dinner once they heard we got engaged. It would be laid-back and casual, and everybody can mingle and not be stuck in a chair at a restaurant. However, my fiance immediately nixed it. His reasons are as follows:

-He feels the distance between the ceremony location and their house is too great.
-He doesn''t want to be a burden to my grandparents.
-He wants to have the rehearsal dinner at a "neutral" site because his family is all from out of state and isn''t hosting anything for us, and he doesn''t want them to think my family is "upstaging them."

On the first point, it''s true that it is not down the street, but the drive is easy and all freeway. We will have limo buses for transport and cars to take people back to the hotel if they wanted to leave early. The hotel is equidistant between the ceremony/reception site and my grandparent''s house. As far as being a burden, my grandparents offered their house as the site, were thrilled to know they were in consideration and are completely pro at throwing parties. The event would be catered by the restaurant they use for all their parties, so there would be little to nothing they would have to do as far as actual party administration and clean-up.

The third reason is what really gets me. There is some history between I and FMIL that is here on the forum if you do a search, but long story short we have given his family ample opportunity to do things with us regarding the wedding and they keep turning us down. Fiance wanted to pay for and host an engagement party in his home state so his family could all go and meet me and mingle. No registry or anything formal, just a get-together with food and drinks. His mother''s response was "why do you have to have ANOTHER party, you''re already having a wedding." FMIL makes great pies, and we thought it would be cute to have a pie to cut instead of a cake since we''re doing a cupcake tower. We asked her to make the pie for us to cut and she freaked out and said she couldn''t possibly do that, how on earth would she bring it with her, what an inconvenience, etc etc etc. So I have a feeling where this upstaging idea is really coming from. It frosts my knobs that we have to cater to her insecurities and narrow-mindedness.

Now Fiance is stressed out because he''s trying to find a site within a few miles of the ceremony/reception site where we can have the rehearsal dinner and striking out. There aren''t a lot of good venues in the area or restaurants big enough to handle the amount of people. Right now it looks like it might be at a sports bar with wings and beer. I''m trying to let it go and just be supportive of whatever decision he''s going to make but I also feel that he''s making the decision for the wrong reasons, which grates on me. I want him to have the one part of the wedding that he wants to plan, but I keep having to keep myself from jumping in when he talks about the distance, or the burden, or this stupid neutral site. Am I being a bridezilla?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/25/2010 11:07:51 AM
Author:ts44

Now Fiance is stressed out because he's trying to find a site within a few miles of the ceremony/reception site where we can have the rehearsal dinner and striking out. There aren't a lot of good venues in the area or restaurants big enough to handle the amount of people. Right now it looks like it might be at a sports bar with wings and beer. I'm trying to let it go and just be supportive of whatever decision he's going to make but I also feel that he's making the decision for the wrong reasons, which grates on me. I want him to have the one part of the wedding that he wants to plan, but I keep having to keep myself from jumping in when he talks about the distance, or the burden, or this stupid neutral site. Am I being a bridezilla?

You are marrying this person. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with eachother about this. Why do you think his reasoning is "Wrong"? It sounds like it is just because he doesn't agree with you (ie, calling his reason for a neutral site, "stupid".). Their needs to be some give and take, and you need to see where he is coming from.

For the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wings and beer, IF that is what you all WANT and will enjoy.

To be honest, there is no reason for you to be mad at him. He is only trying to pick up the slack for his family, and wants them to feel involved eventhough they are fighting it like mad. It sounds like he is really stressed out, and could use some help, rather than a fiance that is fighting him and what he wants.

It was very nice of your grandparents to offer their home, HOWEVER, if that is not what BOTH of you want, then it is time to go back to the drawing board. I think you all need to sit down and really talk about this, and let him know that you are willing to help in any way possible.

This is not all on you though, when you talk I would recommend asking him to find a more polite way of explaining his feelings about the dinner. I have a feeling that maybe you are reacting coldly to his reasons, because you might be taking them as attacks on your family's generosity.

This can all be fixed just by opening up to eachother.

 

[ts44]

Thanks Meresal. I should clarify that I''m not mad at him in any way, and any kind of combativeness you can read out of the message above is purely in my head.

I would never call his feelings stupid, I want him to have this part for himself and be happy with it.

I get that he''s carrying the weight for his side of the family, and I have discussed it with him in a calm, rational way and that''s when I discovered his three reasons for not wanting it at my grandparents. That''s when I got angry, not at him, but at his family for their littleness. All I said at the time was that I hoped he was just projecting the feelings of his family and that they didn''t actually feel that way. Now, I feel like I''m obsessing about the reasons behind the decision, and when I see him stressed out about finding the perfect location it makes me angrier that his family can''t get over their issues and just be happy for him. He said that the third reason is the biggest reason why he doesn''t want to have it at my grandparents, given that the other two can be worked out without a lot of fuss. Otherwise, he would love to have it there. That didn''t make it better.

We''ve talked it over two times now (calmly). I feel like at this point if we have yet another conversation about it he''s going to think I''m being pushy and ignoring his feelings, but I just can''t reconcile that his family would be petty enough to think mine is upstaging them because my grandparents want to host the rehearsal dinner.

 

[meresal]

I understand. Coming from someone that had many problems with by husband's family during the planning process, the last thing you want to do is take your frustration out on your FI. He's just trying to keep everyone happy.

It is very hard to do, but honestly, I would forget about his reasons (for whatever reason he has them, he has them...) and just tell him that you want to help him in any way and you fully support whatever he wants to do, as long as it is indeed what he wants to do, and will make him happy. There is no reason in wasting the money just to please everyone else, so if he wants to plan something, then make it a dinner you will enjoy no matter what his family says or does the night of.

This is not a huge deal. I think your feelings for his family, which could definitely be justified, are leading you to believe this is a much bigger deal than it actually is. Just be there for your FI, trust me, it will lead him to be on your side for later "issues", if there are any