Ready for engagement... But maybe not to live together...

[HappyNewLife]

Has anyone else felt like this? That they''d be totally thrilled to be engaged but not feel in a rush to live together? I know that''s backwards, but it''s how I feel. Things with my GF (I''m a female btw) are great. I love having my own place, she loves having hers. She wants to move in together and while I love the idea, the logistics are exhausting. She''d want to live at her place, which is smaller (but newer/more efficient/modern) than mine. I''d have to sell my house, move me and my 2 kids and get rid of most of my stuff. It sounds so so daunting.

Yet I''d be thrilled to be engaged. Am I nuts or what?

 

[sctsbride09]

It doesnt sound like you dont WANT to live with her, but maybe that you seem overwhelmed by the logistics? Its totally understandable to be nervous, because when you have your own place, you stiil have that comfort zone you can run to if you need it. Plus moving sucks!

But seriously, would your gf be ok with being engaged then moving in together? People do it all the time, and some wait til after they are married, so no you are not crazy at all. You just have to find what works for you both.

 

[AKY]

There isn''t anything wrong to wait until you''re married to move in That is what people used to do back in the day, and it is what I am planning to do, although for different reasons then yours.

 

[blacksand]

It''s funny; I''ve just been thinking the same thing. I feel so ready to get engaged. And I do want to live with my SO. I do! And he talks about moving in together all the time. How nice it will be to come home to each other at the end of the day, to not have to say goodbye at night, to prepare all our meals and eat together, etc. He''s so sweet. And I want that too. Really, I do. But I can''t help thinking...everything he owns is brown. Do I have to live in a brown house? And I have pets. If my bunny chews a hole in my blanket, I just laugh it off. I don''t care because I love my bunny. But he will not be laughing! And what about my super awesome trick where I shove everything in the front closet in the last 10 mins. before he comes over to make it look like my house is clean? I can''t do that in his house. I''ll have to actually...keep things clean. Blast! I don''t know if I''m ready for this!

 

[KittyGolightly]

HappyNewLife, I''d be completely stressed too if I was trying to sell my home in this market. Also, the prospect of moving to a smaller home with two kids would not be too attractive. It would be completely daunting for me.

But if this is the best decision for the 4 of you, then I guess the best you can do is concentrate on how great life will be after all the messiness of the move is completed.

 

[lucyandroger]

Just because she''d prefer for you to move yourself and your 2 kids into her place doesn''t mean that''s the way it should be done. It sounds to me like you need to have a serious discussion with her about where the best place for your family to live is. The issue won''t go away whether you get engaged or not if you plan to live together at some point. IMO, it''s better to get these discussions out of the way before wedding planning stress comes up, even if you don''t actually move until later.

 

[HopeDream]

When combining households it''s often best to move in an entirely new place together, otherwise you''ll always fee a little bit of a houseguest.

When you share a new space equally together it becomes an exciting adventure, but when one person moves into another''s pre-established household it always slightly inconveniences the original homeowner.

If you''re both not ready to make that kind of a move, then maybe it''s not time to live together yet.

Engagement marks the social recognition of a serious romantic relationship - that you''ve found your "the one" - nothng to do with whether you share an address or not.

Even some happily married people maintain separate residences.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

My fiancé and I got engaged a bit more than two months ago, but we still haven''t moved in together. He is finishing up his graduate degree in another state and will move to be with me sometime in the summer. Our wedding is October 28, 2010. Even if we lived in the same city, I would still prefer to not move in together for another few months. He feels differently, but respects my stance on the issue.

I don''t think there should be any rush to move in together. I enjoy the dating aspect of our relationship and would like to experience it to the fullest until we are married and living together. I very much look forward to living with him and I have absolutely no reservations about doing so, but we''ve been dating for only a year, all of which was long distance, and I would like to enjoy this part of the relationship as well as the next steps. Additionally, I always felt strongly about not living together for an extended period of time before marriage. When he moves here, we''d have at most 3 months to go before our wedding, and that''s a nice period of time to set up our apartment before getting married.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Considering her place is smaller, and you have two children, perhaps it would be best to talk to her about moving to your place. Are the children school aged? It would mean them having to give up their friends and their school. As a mom of four (3 school age), I can tell you that it does take a toll on the kids. They''re resilient, but it could cause some major resentment.

 

[Prana]

I would talk to your partner about how you feel. I personally wouldn''t want to move to a smaller more efficient place with 2 kids in tow. I think a better option would be to sell yours, have her get out of hers, and get a new place together. That way it is a new beginning and new adventure for both of you, and it really becomes your families'' place, not her place that you and your kids moved into. I don''t know how old your kids are, but make sure that they are aware of the plans and involved to a certain degree in the discussions as well!

 

[Miscka]

Date: 4/2/2010 9:41:47 PM
Author: HopeDream
When combining households it''s often best to move in an entirely new place together, otherwise you''ll always fee a little bit of a houseguest.


When you share a new space equally together it becomes an exciting adventure, but when one person moves into another''s pre-established household it always slightly inconveniences the original homeowner.

Ditto this. DH and I didnt get our own new place for 1.5 months, and it was totally different.

What about putting your place up for sale and seeing how it moves along? You can start the process and head in the direction of a new joined place, but it may take awhile.

 

[Cinna]

Date: 4/2/2010 5:19:12 PM
Author: blacksand
...everything he owns is brown. Do I have to live in a brown house?

LOL

Date: 4/2/2010 5:19:12 PM
Author: blacksand
And what about my super awesome trick where I shove everything in the front closet in the last 10 mins. before he comes over to make it look like my house is clean? I can't do that in his house. I'll have to actually...keep things clean.

Same here! I told my best friend that the other day as I panicked about his super cleanliness and my lack of it.



HappyNewLife: I, and society do not think your nuts at all! But it definitely sounds like a good time to stop to sit down and seriously talk about these points and exactly when you're going to move the stuff in versus live there etc. Plus when you say "She'd want to" instead of We agreed to or I'm going to, it doesn't seem like there's a specific path that you've chosen. Moving into a smaller place with two kids, just imho is not the better of the two options. When she's living at yours, couldn't she make your living space more efficient?

I also am not moving but it is due to our views on it, religious and cultural traditions. We're debating if I should move in my stuff right before the wedding so I can come back from the honeymoon and have it all ready to live in or just leave everything after the wedding. That I'm more confused as to the norm.

 

[lilyfoot]

Hi, HappyNewLife:

If your only reason for not wanting to move in together are the location/space issues, then I would say those are normal, and valid, factors to hesitate about.

However, in my personal opinion, when two people get engaged, that means they are ready to get married that day. And since living together is usually a part of marriage, I would be worried if I felt like I didn''t want to live with my partner. I''m not saying you have to move in together before marriage, but the things you''re worried about in relation to living together are not going to change after you get married, so that''s something to think about.