Random Neighbor thinks we''re rude

[larussel03]

So, I'm kind of annoyed right now and need to get it out before bed. Actually I really think my feelings are more hurt but I'm mad because I get defensive.

Here's the story: FI and I were having dinner with some friends of ours who live in the apartment above us. We get along really well with this couple and were having a great time. They have a dog who gets along famously with our dog, so it's fun to have neighbors that we like so much who also love dogs.

Anyways, my friend, M, was telling me that she encountered this other couple who lives in our apartment complex in a different building who said that they thought FI and I are RUDE because we don't allow our dog to play off-leash with their dog.

First off, it's illegal to have dogs off leash in an unfenced area in our city, even if you can control the dog. M and her bf J are able to let their dog off leash and I don't think it's bad, even though you're technically not supposed to, but we simply cannot with our dog -- she literally will take off and run away and be gone until she decides to come home and it's so scary to me because she will not come back and runs into busy streets and could be seriously hurt. We adopted our dog from a shelter at 2 years old and she was never raised to be good off leash and it's super hard to train her to be good with it now...heck, I'm trying to get her to not pull the leash and thought that was good progress! Plus I think with a dog of her size (she's only 50 pounds too!) that we should be able to control her at all times outside in case for some reason something spooked her or she didn't like someone or whatever...she's never been violent at all towards people but I don't want to take any unnecessary risks.

Anyways, I was really upset to hear that this couple was saying we were rude when M and J were saying how they'd become close friends with us. I've barely ever seen them out, maybe a handful of times, and when I've run into the man with his dog he's always been super friendly, but his wife never makes eye contact with me, which I assume means don't talk to me.

There was even one time where I was literally 10 or 15 feet behind them walking with my dog and they never turned around to acknowledge me or say hi -- and they had to know I was there...maybe I should have run up and said hi but it's awkward to run up to people you don't know and say hi when they have their back to you...

To be honest I never put that much effort into making friends with people who live in my complex that I don't know pretty much because when I'm walking my dog I'm in a "zone" and just thinking about my day or things I have to do and don't go out of my way to be more than friendly when outside walking my dog. Plus in my job, which I love, I HAVE to be so outgoing and chatty and friendly with people who may or may not want to interact with me, so maybe I just shut off when I get home or something...

M said that she told these people that she was suprised they felt this way because FI and I are outgoing and really nice and that we really can't let our dog off leash but they still seemed to just think we were rude. Fi said he's not always outgoing with them, but I just don't get how they get "rude" from us just walking by and waving and saying hi? I never ignore them and I always smile and say hi when I see them...

I know it's not a super huge deal but it hurt my feelings. Fi thinks I shouldn't bother saying anything, but part of me really wants to say something.

Should I do anything?? I just don't get how they get "rude" from not letting my dog off leash or from me and FI only saying hi, but in a friendly way?

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

If you are not able to ignore it I say take a subtle approach. Maybe make a point to talk to them and see how they are doing. then ask them how they got there dog. Tell them how you got yours and how much of a struggle it has been to retrain her and how much work it has been just to get her to stay calm on the lease. You would have to think and plan a nice subtle way to bring up not letting the dog off the leash for either legal or practical reasons, but make sure you do it very subtley and very naturally, and in a somewhat passing manner, or it may look like you are trying to defend yourself which would probably only cause more tension. but I think done properly it should help to alleviate the situation.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 8/28/2007 1:54:07 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
If you are not able to ignore it I say take a subtle approach. Maybe make a point to talk to them and see how they are doing. then ask them how they got there dog. Tell them how you got yours and how much of a struggle it has been to retrain her and how much work it has been just to get her to stay calm on the lease. You would have to think and plan a nice subtle way to bring up not letting the dog off the leash for either legal or practical reasons, but make sure you do it very subtley and very naturally, and in a somewhat passing manner, or it may look like you are trying to defend yourself which would probably only cause more tension. but I think done properly it should help to alleviate the situation.

Thanks for your suggestion, I agree subtle is best.

I just don''t get how we''re rude and why they''d have such an attitude about it? I''ve always been really friendly to them and said hi and waved...I didn''t think that I had to go out of my way to be overly friendly since I don''t really know them and don''t see them that often. I think I''m more miffed that they were talking about us to our new friends behind our backs about us being rude when i''ve always been friendly...I let their dog play with ours when I run into them (when I rarely run into them) but I hold her leash and just keep readjusting so she can play.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

I understand. We actually had problems similar to that in our neighborhood. My little sister was friends with one of the little girls in the neighborhood, and then my sister also made friends with another girl in the neighborhood. While she was friends with both, the first girl got jealous and stopped being her friend. Immeidatly after that her parents started spreading rumors about us around the neighborhood. Lies, pretty bad ones, to pretty much everybody so that at neighborhood meetings 2/3 of the people wouldnt speak to my parents. They now have a couple of good friends in the neighborhood, but all around people still dont like them, including the two couples across the street who they had been getting along really great with before the rumors and lies started. And we are talking about years and years of damage.

Hopefully in this situation it was something more innocent than that. Maybe when they see you holding the dogs leash you cant pay attention to the conversation but have to watch the dog. And then they feel pressured to stop talking to you and they think "oh she is just holding on to her dogs leash so she has an excuse to leave, because she doesnt erally want to talk to us." I mean to be honest, if I were talking with someone who was constantly looking down and readjusting her dogs leash I would probably just say "oh ok, your busy, ill talk to you later, by" and if she did it everytime well, I would get the hint not to talk to her anymore--even if the hint wasnt intentional. So perhaps they were just talking about dogs and she mentioned how she felt it was rude. Because perhaps she is thinking that you are doing it to intentionally avoid conversation with them and trying to show them "oh look how busy I am" when they are thinking you could just let the dog loose and have a real conversation with them if you wanted to (though you couldnt). Anyway, I think some action is necessary, maybe a passing comment on how you got the dog and how wild he can be if you dont keep him reined in, a later greeting with a prolonged conversation and try not to focus on your dog too much, and then a week later an invite to dinner with your friend Mr. M and his wife, since you just discovered that they were good friends too? If it is just a genuine missunderstanding that, or even just part of it should help to fix it.

Hopefully they arent slanderous like the lady in our neighboorhood though.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 8/28/2007 2:57:54 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
I understand. We actually had problems similar to that in our neighborhood. My little sister was friends with one of the little girls in the neighborhood, and then my sister also made friends with another girl in the neighborhood. While she was friends with both, the first girl got jealous and stopped being her friend. Immeidatly after that her parents started spreading rumors about us around the neighborhood. Lies, pretty bad ones, to pretty much everybody so that at neighborhood meetings 2/3 of the people wouldnt speak to my parents. They now have a couple of good friends in the neighborhood, but all around people still dont like them, including the two couples across the street who they had been getting along really great with before the rumors and lies started. And we are talking about years and years of damage.

Hopefully in this situation it was something more innocent than that. Maybe when they see you holding the dogs leash you cant pay attention to the conversation but have to watch the dog. And then they feel pressured to stop talking to you and they think ''oh she is just holding on to her dogs leash so she has an excuse to leave, because she doesnt erally want to talk to us.'' I mean to be honest, if I were talking with someone who was constantly looking down and readjusting her dogs leash I would probably just say ''oh ok, your busy, ill talk to you later, by'' and if she did it everytime well, I would get the hint not to talk to her anymore--even if the hint wasnt intentional. So perhaps they were just talking about dogs and she mentioned how she felt it was rude. Because perhaps she is thinking that you are doing it to intentionally avoid conversation with them and trying to show them ''oh look how busy I am'' when they are thinking you could just let the dog loose and have a real conversation with them if you wanted to (though you couldnt). Anyway, I think some action is necessary, maybe a passing comment on how you got the dog and how wild he can be if you dont keep him reined in, a later greeting with a prolonged conversation and try not to focus on your dog too much, and then a week later an invite to dinner with your friend Mr. M and his wife, since you just discovered that they were good friends too? If it is just a genuine missunderstanding that, or even just part of it should help to fix it.

Hopefully they arent slanderous like the lady in our neighboorhood though.

Thanks again : )

I highly doubt they''re really malicious, they probably just don''t understand why I can''t just let her go. Maybe they never met a dog who takes off when she gets the chance, but I guess in hindsight having them not like me is better than me letting the dog run with theirs and then having to chase her for an hour up and down the street.

I actually dropped her leash by accident a couple days ago (got tangled when my dog was playing with my friend M''s dog, and didnt realize I didn''t have a good grip on her) when she was playing with M''s dog and the two of them took off running. That''s why M was quick to defend us to this woman because she saw it first hand, and then we had to go find BOTH dogs because M''s dog followed mine down the street. It was a fiasco, thank goodness we found them both wrestling behind a shed in a fenced in yard. I vowed from then on to never ever let her off leash unless it''s at the fenced in dog park. M did say that the woman is wierd, so I probably shouldn''t be upset, but I just hate people being like "oh they''re rude" when I always tried to be nice to them.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I wouldn''t waste time worrying about that couple. They don''t live in your building and you don''t have to interact with them. I''ve found that the best way to deal with people like that is to respond in kind: If they''re friendly, I''m friendly. If they don''t make eye contact or turn their backs on me when they see me, I do the same thing to them. (I wonder if the issue really is the dog - that sounds beyond childish to me.)

 

[Mara]

I agree with MB....my first thought when reading your post is ''who cares if they think you are rude?''...in life not everyone is going to like you or see eye to eye with you. A lot of people are just plain weird. They maybe think you are weird...you think they are weird for thinking you are weird.

Really I would just count my blessings you have made such good friends with this other couple and chalk this up to ''can''t please everyone''. Everyone has their quirks. It has been about a year since I stopped taking P out to play with her friends in the park...mostly because there were fleas out there and she was bringing them in, but then I just got so busy with life, and she goes to daycare now where she sees the dogs she used to play with so I figure why spend the time out in the field socializing with their parents when I have a million other things to do and she still gets her exercise regardless. A lot of times they look at me if I do take her out or when I drive by and I wave but I figure they are always like ''why doesn''t she come out here anymore'' and on 4th of July we all go out to the park with the dogs and sit in chairs and watch the fireworks and one of them called out to me asking how come I never bring P out to play anymore. I''m like way to put me on the spot buddy. I just laughed and waved..and pretended I didn''t really hear him..haha.

Anyhow...I would not even waste my time worrying about it. Enjoy your friends and your life and those people can think whatever they want. Who knows, you or they might move away in a year or something and it''s a moot point regardless.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

You are being a responsible pet owner, and for that you should be commended. IMO, it''s the people who let their dogs off leash when and where they aren''t really supposed to that are "rude".
I agree with the others, brush it off. I know my feelings get hurt easily too and it is irritating that someone would think you are rude for no good reason. Just because you live in the same complex as these people does not guarantee that you should be friends or your dogs should be playmates.
It bothers me a little that these other friends actually told you the neighbors think you are rude. I''m sure they didn''t mean to hurt your feelings but they maybe should have anticipated that would happen and just kept it to themselves. They explained to the neighbor you can''t let your dog off leash, if these neighbors continue to think you are rude then that''s their own issue. You aren''t really missing out on anything, and it''s not like they have gone out of their way to be friendly and you''ve snubbed them.
If it really bothers you, then I guess you could make an effort at conversation. Maybe the wife is really shy, who knows. Otherwise, I''d just chalk it up to their insecurities!

 

[Fly Girl]

I agree with your FI. Just ignore it, and try to pretend you never heard that they thought you were rude.

 

[divergrrl]

I say to hell with them. If they are that insecure, you don''t need that trouble---BUH-BYE! Your friends also should not have told you that the other couple thought you were rude. That''s kind of...childish. One keeps that kind of info to themselves.

Don''t feed the trolls.

 

[Miranda]

The next time you walk by them just flip them the bird and glare. If it''s rude they want

.........

Sorry, not trying to make light. Some people are just always looking for a reason to be mad. I''d ignore it.

 

[monarch64]

Sorry to hear about their negativity, sweetpea. I think my feelings would be hurt as well, I don''t like hearing that people have maybe made unfair assumptions about me. When I first worked for a company when I was in college, everyone I worked with was female and under 25...when my boss (25 herself) gave me my first review, she told me I needed to work on being more "approachable" and that she thought I was aloof or had a standoffish vibe about me. I was floored, I certainly didn''t realize or intend to give that off, but I think she and my co-workers just didn''t know me very well. Since that was a job situation, obviously I made sure to work harder on seeming more friendly, even though I thought they were wrong. But if I''d heard that in a social situation such as yours, I don''t think I would bother. It might bug me a bit, but I think I''d just continue being cordial and not unfriendly but wouldn''t go out of my way to really change someone''s opinion. It''s not you that is the problem here, it''s them, so too bad. They''ve closed themselves off from making friends with you and your FI because of their own assumptions.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

You''re never going to make everybody happy. It''s impossible.

Once you realize that, and realize that often someone''s "problem with you" indicates that they have a problem (and that the majority of people have "problems"), then you''ll become less concerned with what people think of you.

 

[FireGoddess]

Know what I think is rude? People who go around to other people calling you rude because you don''t do something they think you should do. And never mentioning it to your face.

I mean, pulllllleeeeeez!!

I honestly wouldn''t give a crap what they think....if they''re that easily offended, they''re WAYYYYYYY too high maintenance to be involved with! Not to mention that I wouldn''t waste my time hanging around with people that feel the need to talk about me behind my back. Particularly in light of the pettiness of the issue.

Honestly, it would make me not even want to bother being my normal level of nice-ness to them, let alone nicer.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I agree with Sherwood. There is some ISSUE they have. It may be the model of car you drive...or the shopping bags you are seen carrying in...or the fact that you are younger, prettier, taller, dress better, some silly little 8 grade nitty picky childish thing.

It is usually an insecure person who sees success, confidence or conviction and is then offended. Just let it slide. Don''t go out of your way to change it...just be yourself. Something will happen to redeem you. But frankly as FG mentioned...it doesn''t matter as they are the rude ones. And immature to go blabbing to another neighbor...like some little click in school.

If it is any consolation...We love you!

DKS

 

[larussel03]

Oh my gosh, I didn't expect to get so much helpful feedback thank you so much working, madam bijoux, Mara, tiffany, fly girl, divergirl, miranda, monarch, richard, firegoddess, sandiegolady, and DKS!

I was thinking about it today after the fact, and I know it's not a super huge deal. Our friends weren't random like "oh they think you're rude" but we were talking about something and somehow my neighbor mentioned that she was suprised when the other neighbor said that because she never got that impression from me/us at all.

Maybe sometimes I seem unapproachable sometimes because I get consumed in whatever it is that I'm thinking about in a moment and may seem like I don't want to be bothered or anything. The thing is, I"m a super friendly person and I love meeting people, but if someone doesn't make eye contact with me I'll just say "hi, how are you" and keep walking because they don't look like they want to start a conversation or anything. I figured friendly is fine and I was just really suprised to hear that they thought we were rude.

I know it's not a big deal and it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I was just suprised. I think you're all right though that I'm not actually doing anything to be rude but it's their assumption and I can't do anything about that and it's their problem in the long run, not mine. To be honest, they only ended up making a bad impression on our friends, since our friends M and J just thought it was wierd that they said that and think the woman is kind of not-so-nice herself to start with. Maybe she's just nitpicky and easily offended. I met her hubby and chatted with him before and he seemed really nice, but there was one time I was talking to him while our dogs were playing (and I was holding the 6 ft leash while they played so getting yanked around) and she came up and kind of gave me the cold shoulder and didnt look me in teh eyes at all, I just assumed she's territorial or something, not judgemental haha.

Thanks everyone : )