NovemberBride
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2006
- Messages
- 962
Blackberry,
I think you need to take some time and really do some soul-searching with your DH and decide if adoption is right for you at this time. As I'm sure you know, adoption is not a decision to be made in haste. I would not adopt just because you are afraid you can't get pregnant after 6 months of trying, 6 months is the average for a perfectly healthy, young couple. The average for those with PCOS or other issues is a little longer, but most eventually do get pregnant. Don't get me wrong, adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is a very long and emotional process not to be undertaken lightly.
My family has more adoptions than anyone I know - my brother's fiancee, DH's step sister and step brother, DH's niece, and 3 of DH's cousins are all adopted. So I am very familiar with the process and the issues that can arise. Your statement that you couldn't stand having a child taken back is something that I think you need to think about very carefully. Because it can and does happen. And when it does, it is incredibly heartbreaking and sad. It has happened twice in my family. DH's aunt and uncle had a little girl with their family for 6 months and before the adoption was finalized the dad refused to sign the papers and they lost her. It's almost 20 years later and you can still see their sadness when they speak about her - she had truly become their daughter in that short time and they had no rights - you need to know that courts in this country strongly favor birth parents in almost every situation. In addition, DH's step sister was all set to adopt a little girl 3 years ago. They prepared a nursery, we threw a shower, etc. The birth mother was in college and her parents and boyfriend did not want her to keep the baby. Well, when the baby was born her parents came to the hospital, saw their grandchild and changed their mind, and so did the birth mom. I cannot tell you how devastating this was to our family. Thankfully, they were able to adopt a beautiful little girl a year later, but that was a really tough time.
You also need to consider how you will feel if the baby decides to find the birth parents later. One of DH's cousins decided to try to find her birth mother at 18. She found her and it caused a lot of problems for DH's aunt and uncle. Her birth mom was young and fun at a time when DH's cousin was having a hard time following her parents rules, as many 18 year olds do. DH's aunt cried many times hearing her daughter say she wished she wasn't adopted because she liked her birth mom better.
I did not write all of this out to discourage you, I am a huge proponent of adoption and it is a wonderful gift for both the parents and child. But I do think that anyone who is considering adopting needs to go into it with their eyes wide open to all of the potential heartbreak. If you are only considering adopting at this point because you think you can't get pregnant, I would say that this is not the right time for you to adopt. Only you and your DH can answer that question.
I think you need to take some time and really do some soul-searching with your DH and decide if adoption is right for you at this time. As I'm sure you know, adoption is not a decision to be made in haste. I would not adopt just because you are afraid you can't get pregnant after 6 months of trying, 6 months is the average for a perfectly healthy, young couple. The average for those with PCOS or other issues is a little longer, but most eventually do get pregnant. Don't get me wrong, adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is a very long and emotional process not to be undertaken lightly.
My family has more adoptions than anyone I know - my brother's fiancee, DH's step sister and step brother, DH's niece, and 3 of DH's cousins are all adopted. So I am very familiar with the process and the issues that can arise. Your statement that you couldn't stand having a child taken back is something that I think you need to think about very carefully. Because it can and does happen. And when it does, it is incredibly heartbreaking and sad. It has happened twice in my family. DH's aunt and uncle had a little girl with their family for 6 months and before the adoption was finalized the dad refused to sign the papers and they lost her. It's almost 20 years later and you can still see their sadness when they speak about her - she had truly become their daughter in that short time and they had no rights - you need to know that courts in this country strongly favor birth parents in almost every situation. In addition, DH's step sister was all set to adopt a little girl 3 years ago. They prepared a nursery, we threw a shower, etc. The birth mother was in college and her parents and boyfriend did not want her to keep the baby. Well, when the baby was born her parents came to the hospital, saw their grandchild and changed their mind, and so did the birth mom. I cannot tell you how devastating this was to our family. Thankfully, they were able to adopt a beautiful little girl a year later, but that was a really tough time.
You also need to consider how you will feel if the baby decides to find the birth parents later. One of DH's cousins decided to try to find her birth mother at 18. She found her and it caused a lot of problems for DH's aunt and uncle. Her birth mom was young and fun at a time when DH's cousin was having a hard time following her parents rules, as many 18 year olds do. DH's aunt cried many times hearing her daughter say she wished she wasn't adopted because she liked her birth mom better.
I did not write all of this out to discourage you, I am a huge proponent of adoption and it is a wonderful gift for both the parents and child. But I do think that anyone who is considering adopting needs to go into it with their eyes wide open to all of the potential heartbreak. If you are only considering adopting at this point because you think you can't get pregnant, I would say that this is not the right time for you to adopt. Only you and your DH can answer that question.
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