Question for PSer Moms

[sctsbride09]

My very good friend had a baby about a year ago. Let me first say that I love my friend and her child, so this doesnt get misunderstood. When my friend went back to work, she asked me if I could babysit for her a couple times a month, for a few hours until her DH gets home from work. I said sure, and for a while it was fine. Well, now babysitting has become a twice weekly, 8 hour per time occasion. I should probably add that I do not have children (nor want them) so this is becoming quite a bit of stress for me. I would like to know, from you mommies, how to nicely ask her to find a babysitter? I should also add that getting paid (although she doesnt) is not the issue. The issue is I just dont want to be "saddled" down with a child that often. I dont mean to sound like an awful person, Im good with kids, but I get stressed/ drained from them easily. I dont want this to affect my friendship with her, but Im starting to feel resentful.

Please, any advise I would greatly appreciate it!

 

[Puppmom]

Ouch! I actually had a friend like that. It was twice a week because she and her husband''s schedules overlapped. Then, it became while she got her hair done on the weekends and when she was just tired or needed a break. Then, they stopped packing food for her so I was feeding her meals. Unfortunately, when I started to say I couldn''t sit for her, we drifted apart. We were friends for 10 years before so it was kind of sad. I would just tell your friend it''s getting to be too much for you. You don''t need a *good excuse*. If she''s a true friend, she''ll understand. Good luck!

 

[junebug17]

Your friend is taking advantage of your good nature. This is not what you signed up for. just have a talk with her and be nice but honest - that you love her and her LO, but it's just not possible for you to babysit for all those hours and it would be best for everyone if she found someone else. If she is a true friend she'll understand.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 7/1/2010 10:35:47 AM
Author: junebug17
Your friend is taking advantage of your good nature. This is not what you signed up for. just have a talk with her and be nice but honest - that you love her and her LO, but it''s just not possible for you to babysit for all those hours and it would be best for everyone if she found someone else. If she is a true friend she''ll understand.

Agree, she is taking advantage and it''s above and beyond what a friend should ask/expect. Be upfront and telll her you enjoy her LO but this is asking too much and she needs to find someone else or ahem, hire someone.

It is also important for your friendship to be honest and set boundaries. BTW you are such a nice person to have done this for this long!

 

[sctsbride09]

Puppmom and Junebug17- You both are completely right, if our friendship is as strong as I *hope* it is, I shouldnt feel bad about just telling her. So why on earth do I feel so darn guilty for not wanting to watch someone elses child? Usually, I am the type of person who was no problem what so ever saying no, so why am I such a chicken in this situation?

Janinegirly- thanks for the nice comment, it means alot even though I feel horrible for what I know I have to do. I deep down knew it would come to this, I guess Im honestly afraid of losing our friendship.

 

[junebug17]

Aw, hugs to you sctsbride! You are clearly so upset by this. I guess you have a real fear that your friend is going to get pissed and hurt, and it will affect your friendship, but truthfully, you are well within your rights to say something about this so try not to worry about it so much. An argument can be made that she''s not being a very good friend by taking advantage of you! and look at it this way- you mentioned you are starting to feel a little resentful, and that will eventually take it''s toll on the friendship anyway. I appreciate that it will be an awkward conversation for you, but you really have no choice but to say something. best of luck to you!

 

[Ninna]

Honesty is the best policy so please, don''t worry about being a bad friend. I would just tell her "I''m sorry but I have other obligations"
People can be incredibly disrespectful when it comes to pawning off their kids, they don''t care if you have your own responsabilities.
Keep in mind that if that child gets hurt or sick, you are going to be held responsable and potentially kill your friendship.
Good Luck

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ditto everyone else. Just be honest and stress how important your friendship is. The sooner you talk to her, the sooner she can begin to make alternate plans. Since it''s become a regular two day a week thing, she should have no problem finding a babysitter that has those two days free too (Craigslist!). Your friend probably knows she''s imposing (unless you''ve been so accommodating that you''ve convinced her you don''t mind) and won''t be that shocked. She''ll probably just say, "Oh, I''m sorry, I didn''t think you minded," and you''ll say, "No, I really didn''t, but it''s just become too much of a regular thing and it''s impeding my ability to [x,y,z]."

 

[Haven]

Wow! I can't believe that the situation has escalated to twice a week for eight hours each time. You are definitely being taken advantage of, and I imagine that your friend knows it. (How could she not?)

Honestly, if I were in your shoes right now I would just call her up and tell her that I can no longer babysit. If I really wanted to remain friends with this person, I'd also tell her that I feel she is taking advantage of me. If I didn't get that out, I would be resentful and it would cause further damage to the friendship.

I wouldn't have let it get this far, though, to tell you the truth!

Good luck. It's going to be a difficult conversation, but you'll feel much better after you have it. You must be one of the nicest people on the planet, by the way. I'm serious!

 

[sctsbride09]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. You are all correct in saying that I need to just come out and say it, for our friendship if not my own sanity.

The next time I talk to her, Im just going to tell her that while I was/am ok with babysitting a few (3 max) hours at a time, 8 is just too much for me. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and clearly watching kids is a weakness of mine. Not that that makes me a bad person, just the way it is I guess. The only reason Ive been so torn up about it, is because I have very few IRL friends, and Im kinda "hard to know", so it makes me sad that I very well could lose a long friendship over this.

If I dont talk to her, resentment kills the friendship. If I DO talk to her, at least I have a chance to save it before its too late. If she gets angry, I guess our friendship would have broken down at some point anyway. Thanks again everyone for the support, now I dont feel as crappy.

 

[Haven]

Aw, I really feel for you, sctsbride. I hope the conversation goes well, and if it doesn''t, this person is not a good friend. Seriously.

We have our niece and nephew over every Wednesday night for about four hours, and that is all we can handle! I definitely wouldn''t see this decision your making as evidence that you aren''t good at babysitting, rather it''s just evidence that you realize your time is precious and you don''t want to spend so much of it watching another person''s children. You are so kind to have helped her out for this long.

 

[sctsbride09]

Haven- thank you so much, seriously. I tried talking to someone about this IRL (whom I probably shouldnt have), and this person took the info as evidence that i would make a "bad parent" because I cant handle someone elses kid all day. I dont want kids, but the comment stung. This thread has helped alot, I really appreciate PSers so much the honesty here is great.

 

[junebug17]

Sctsbride, please ignore the comments made to you by that person IRL, they are totally off-base. In fact, I haven't heard something that ridiculous in a while. The fact that you don't want to watch someone else's child for hours at a time is NOT an indication you will be a bad parent. It's ridiculous that that person equated babysitting to raising your own child. You have every right to think of your own needs right now, please don't let anyone make you feel guilty, you are justified in how you feel.

 

[sctsbride09]

Thanks, Junebug17. I learned from that conversation (with the person IRL) that I shouldnt discuss this type of thing with that particular person, because she cant be impartial. Its good to hear that I wouldnt positively be a bad parent to my OWN child, if I had one. You are most certainly correct that babysitting and raising your own baby are VERY different stories. Thanks for the support.

 

[swingirl]

Just to help you justify your choice---I love my kids and think I am a pretty darn good parent. Enjoyed pregnancy, my babies, children, loved the teen years and enjoy the young adult years, too. BUT I never babysat before I had my own and still have no interest in babysitting. I, luckily, haven't gotten asked to much babysitting but I would for an evening for my best friend, OCCASIONALLY, if i was asked.

There are people who really enjoy babysitting other people's kids and they should get the job.

Tell your friend she needs to hire someone for the job but you're not available anymore. If she asks why tell her you don't want to tie up so much of your time on a regular basis. You need to decide how much are you willing to do, if any, because she sounds like the type of person that will push it. I'd probably say, call me in an emergency but otherwise get a regular babysitter.

And don't feel guilty. She decided to have a child, not you.

 

[somethingshiny]

I completely understand and I know how frustrating it is. My SIL asked me to watch their LO "once or twice a month" for a "few hours" while she took some business meetings. I told her as long as I was available that it would be fine. After a very short time, she just quit ASKING and starting TELLING me when I was "working." At first I let it slide thinking she was under a lot of pressure. But, it ended up being once or twice a week for up to 12 hours. My son hated being at their house and she wouldn''t allow her baby to come to mine so it was very difficult. Eventually I had enough and suggested she find a permanent sitter that she could schedule in advance. I started scheduling play dates for the days she told me she needed me so I could have a reason to say no. Finally, she got the idea and has since found an actual babysitter. I felt terrible especially considering we''re talking about my nephew, but her lack of parenting was what bothered me more.

 

[sctsbride09]

Swingirl- Its nice to hear from actual parents who do not want to watch another persons child, makes me not feel so bad.

Somethingshiny-

12 hours?! I think my fuse would probably be gone by then, eek. And I thought 8 was bad..Im glad you put a stop to it, I am going to try and do the same.

I emailed my friend a bit ago and asked her to go to lunch next week, I am going to talk to her about it then. Hopefully I will have a happy update.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree that your friend is taking advantage of you, but she may not realize the extent to which she's doing so. I'd just talk to her honestly and tell her that while you're willing to help out occasionally (if you are), that you won't be able to watch her child on a regular basis anymore.

Or you could go the more passive-aggressive route and just start declining her every time she asks. Eventually she'll get the hint.

ETA: I just reread your original post, and I must have missed the part about how many hours she's added. Yes, your friend knows that she's taking advantage of you. As Haven said, how could she not?

 

[mtjoya]

First off I think that you are an awesome friend! Like everyone here has said she is taking advantage of you. I personally don''t like to take care of other people''s kids and with you not having kids I understand that you don''t want to be tied down.

Just be straight out with your friend. If she is a good friend she will understand. Good Luck!

 

[sctsbride09]

I must say, I truly thought people might think I was an ogre for not wanting to continue doing this for my friend. I mean to me, I was thinking" geez sctsbride cant you just do it for 2 days out of 7 thats not so much" etc.. May i also repeat that Im grateful that Im not the only person who isnt crazy about watching other peoples kids, and thank you all for being honest about that. Im so glad I posted about this, thank you all very much for your honest opinions/ support.

 

[partgypsy]

Yes, she is definitely taking advantage of you. Most grandmothers don''t watch their grandkids that much! That''s really too much to expect of a friend. She needs to find a regular babysitter if she is using you that often.

 

[Haven]

Date: 7/1/2010 5:38:26 PM
Author: sctsbride09
I must say, I truly thought people might think I was an ogre for not wanting to continue doing this for my friend. I mean to me, I was thinking'' geez sctsbride cant you just do it for 2 days out of 7 thats not so much'' etc.. May i also repeat that Im grateful that Im not the only person who isnt crazy about watching other peoples kids, and thank you all for being honest about that. Im so glad I posted about this, thank you all very much for your honest opinions/ support.

NO WAY! Honey, you are far from an ogre.

I have to tell you that I would NEVER watch a friend''s children regularly, and certainly not for two days out of every week. It was your friend''s choice to have children, not yours. Unless there were some desperate circumstance that involved an illness or financial ruin, I just wouldn''t do it.

I can''t imagine there are many people who would be willing to spend two days a week with someone else''s children. For free. I think many people don''t want to spend much time at all with other people''s children, especially people who don''t have any children of their own.

Don''t get me wrong--I love kids. I throw a huge Apple Fest party and a Halloween party every year and my house is crawling with my friends'' and family members'' kids. I hang out with my niece and nephew every Weds night for maybe four hours. But that is it. I don''t think that reflects poorly on my ability to parent my own children in the future. I think that''s just NORMAL.

Seriously, you are too hard on yourself. Your time is YOUR time. Do not allow other people to dictate how you spend it.

Now, what are you going to do with all that free time?

With an extra 16 hours a week you could really start a fun new project!

 

[Pandora II]

Wow, that is some serious baby-sitting!

My daughter is the apple of my eye but even so after 8 hours I am normally watching the front door to see when DH is home to take her off me/ wondering what kind of insanity made us think having a baby was a good idea/ considering volunteering in schools to put teenagers off getting knocked up, so you are honestly some kind of saint.

I kept well away from children right up until I had my own at 36, I was the LEAST maternal person ever and my whole family were secretly pitying my poor unborn child. They now say that I've taken to it like a duck to water and they're all very relieved to have been able to delete the number of child protection services from their phones. So, if I can enjoy my own child having had ZERO interest in other people's beforehand then you are way ahead of the game!

Your friend is abusing your good nature though, with any luck she'll secretly know this and your friendship will survive.

I rope my BIL into looking after Daisy for 3 hours on a Monday or Tuesday evening when DH can't take her so that I can go to college and even though he says he loves it and won't let me pay him I still feel guilty. I would use a professional sitter, but Daisy has terrible separation anxiety and the professionals want you to come home if the kid is still screaming after 40 minutes - D can easily be still screaming after 2 hours 40 minutes so it would be a no go at the moment.

 

[Sabine]

Awe, I''m sorry you''re feeling at all guilty for this, her favor has DEFINITELY gone beyond the scope of a normal favor, and that''s a LOT of time to be watching a LO. My ds is 11 months, and he is EXHAUSTING, so I can only imagine how hard it would be to watch a LO who wasn''t mine

.

If you''re still really worried about it, I would tell her ASAP, but maybe give her some time to try to work something else out. Personally, I know I panic when there''s a sudden change in plans, so having time to deal with it might really help. Also, don''t take any first reactions of hers to heart...if she does react badly (which would reflect poorly on her), chances are once she gets things figured out she''ll come around. But hopefully she''ll realize what a heel she''s been by putting you out this much and you won''t have anything to worry about!

 

[Cehrabehra]

the best way to deal with this is ripping off the bandaid, tell her you cannot do it at all anymore and give her 2 weeks (or whatever you are comfortable with) notice. Tell her even the 2 times a month thing isn''t going to work for you anymore, you feel burnt out and that she needs to find a permanent situation that fits her needs. But let her know the occasional date night you''re still open - if you are okay with that.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/1/2010 10:23:15 AM
Author: puppmom
Ouch! I actually had a friend like that. It was twice a week because she and her husband''s schedules overlapped. Then, it became while she got her hair done on the weekends and when she was just tired or needed a break. Then, they stopped packing food for her so I was feeding her meals. Unfortunately, when I started to say I couldn''t sit for her, we drifted apart. We were friends for 10 years before so it was kind of sad. I would just tell your friend it''s getting to be too much for you. You don''t need a *good excuse*. If she''s a true friend, she''ll understand. Good luck!

I think it might be better to be blunt than just vaguely unavailable. There may be a confrontation, but at least you can work past it... vagueness can cause drifting.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/1/2010 1:00:20 PM
Author: sctsbride09
Haven- thank you so much, seriously. I tried talking to someone about this IRL (whom I probably shouldnt have), and this person took the info as evidence that i would make a ''bad parent'' because I cant handle someone elses kid all day. I dont want kids, but the comment stung. This thread has helped alot, I really appreciate PSers so much the honesty here is great.

that sucks! Being a good parent and wanting to be a parent are mutually exclusive issues. What a mean person to say that!! Besides - everyone knows other people''s kids suck lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

just as a kind of funny add on to this topic - I always offer to my friends to watch their kids for a date night - it can be such a gift to get away for an evening. Rarely someone will ask me to watch a child during the day and I might do it... but a few times people have offered me money and ask how much I charge and I tell them that as long as I am just doing an occasional favor for a friend it''s free, but if they want to hire me it''s $50 an hour.

 

[Cehrabehra]

another thought - is there any chance she thinks you ENJOY this? Kind of a "I''m not going to have kids so I''ll enjoy my best friend''s kid"? Maybe she honestly believes she''s doing YOU a favor of sorts... look back on your conversations with her and when you agreed to more then more then more... were you telling her it is your pleasure, you love the kids, you''re happy to do it, it''s great to spend time with her etc.? She may think you want this... ??

 

[sctsbride09]

Cehrabehra- 50 dollars an hour, I love it! That would certainly make for an interesting conversation with my friend if I used that

heehee. While I do love my friends child and enjoy spending time with the 2 of them together, Im not a great person 1 on 1 with kids, and my friend is VERY aware of this.A few hours, I can do, all day is very hard for me. I can honestly say the only reason I am even semi good with her kid is because she is my friend. I hate to say it, but other peoples kids dont interest me, unless they are someone close to me through family, friends etc. Also (I know this will probably sound silly), I feel that my dogs are suffering from this attention being taken away from them 2 times per week, because I have to find someone to care for them (which isnt difficult, but it should be me) while I watch her. My friend knows my dogs are like my "kids", so she is aware for sure.

I will be telling her gently, but firmly that this cannot continue. I have no problem for a few hours at a time for a couple times a month, but thats it! Ill also be sure to give her time to find someone else, who is appropriate, to watch her child. After all, Im not completely mean. However, if it continues to come up, (if she doesnt get angry instead) at that point I think Im going to have to become very busy.Im not super into confrontation, so 1 time will be enough for me.

Thanks everyone who responded, you all were absolutely right and had very valid points. Much appreciated.