Pregnant, feeling bad and feeling guilty....

[MINE!!]

big sigh....

I say women who LIKE to be miserable and LIKE to complain because they gave a mierable attitude reflects something. And the attitude of a mother greatly effects the well-being of a child. A woman who resents being pregnant is different than those who dislike being pregnant but are uncomfortable.

reread it...

I did not say that women who do not enjoy being pregnant spills over to a child.. I said that the feelings of a mother spill over to a child.

Get it right
BEFORE you strongly disagree...

 

[asscherisme]

Oh, I see, subtle difference. You are not referring to women who hated being pregnant but wanted a child very much and was thrilled to have the child. You are referring to women who resented pregnancy and then it spilled over to resenting the child? If thats what you meant than that makes sense.

I thought you meant that women who hated being pregnant because they physically felt horrible were then bad mothers because the fetus could sense how miserable they were being pregnant.

I definately fell into the camp of being miserable while pregnant, physically felt awful but then went on to do it 3 more times because the end result is so wonderful

 

[MINE!!]

Feeling bad when pregnant is normal. I felt like crap.. But I loved being pregnant.. asin loved the fact that the result would be a child. I got the euphoria from knowing that I was carrying my child, mine part of me and the man I love... BUt I was retaining water, my back hurt and I could never get comfortable.. but oh the knowledge of what it was for....

I see it this way. I come home in a crappy mood, I snap, I hiss I almost find something to be mad and peeved about all around me. I am going to make everyone around me miserable. Everyone will catch that from me. They will get glum and testy as well. They feel my mood.

Or.. I wake up sick. I hurt, I can''t move and my kids want me with them. But OI can''t, I am so miserable. But not miserable with them. I am miserable with physical stuff. They know it, they know it is not them, they know that I love them and as soon as I feel better I am going to give them big hugs and kisses (when I can''t give them germs

) They feel it. They may be sad, they may feel bad for me,but they know that it is not them and they know they are loved.

With both scenerios the people are external, now imagine the people internally. They will feel our try moods as well, and with both situations they will feel the same, if not more intensely than those externally.

YA know?

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 8/15/2006 12:16:11 PM
Author: Mara

''Besides remember, the attitude that you have when pregnant, spills over to your child. They know when you are irritated and disgusted and ill (emotionally) the entire time you are pregnant and they know when you are happy and accepting and comfortable when you are pregnant as well''.

No pressure or anything! If I read that I''d be totally paranoid that my kid would come out all wacked because I was sick the whole time. Yikes!

My thoughts exactly!

I think it is great that MINE was able to keep a positive attitude throughout her pregnancy by focusing on the end result. But I really appreciate people like Asscherisme who share their own less-than-joyful pregnancy experiences honestly and openly... being pregnant just wasn''t the fun part of motherhood for her. But she accepted that and got through it. And I think that is way more important than forcing a happy attitude that''s totally incongruous with how you''re feeling. It''s almost like telling somebody with post-partum depression to just "snap out of it"... there are hormones at work doing crazy things to both your body AND mind, so feeling occasionally miserable and confused and afraid and depressed is okay. Some people have physical pain, some have emotional. If you''re somebody experiencing the emotional kind, don''t worry about being a bad mom, or somehow depressing your unborn baby. Just remind yourself it is normal and temporary and definitely worthwhile, and you will get through it.

 

[MINE!!]

Alas, sometimes I think that reading through the post in this situation would have been the best bet. If people cannot see the difference between feeling physically ill and being just plain miserable about everything.. (see my post above.) Then I am not sure how to exp[lain the obvious any more than I have... sigh..

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 8/16/2006 9:30:11 PM
Author: MINE!!
Alas, sometimes I think that reading through the post in this situation would have been the best bet. If people cannot see the difference between feeling physically ill and being just plain miserable about everything.. (see my post above.) Then I am not sure how to exp[lain the obvious any more than I have... sigh..

MINE... I absolutely agree that there are a lot of women out there who are miserable while pregnant because that is their personality, while other women are just physically ill and feeling bad because of that. I was actually pointing out a third possibility that is VERY important to consider... that pregnancy hormones cause some people to feel not only physically sick, but emotionally/mentally sick as well. And it is unfair to expect those people to be able to put on a happy attitude or experience the same euphoria you were fortunate enough to be able to maintain. Whether or not it was your intention, your first post did make it sound as though being emotionally ill would have a negative impact on your child, and I think it is VITAL for people to understand that not everyone has control over that.

 

[asscherisme]

I could not agree more with ephemery1. She explained what I was thinking better than I did.

I have 4 HAPPY well adjusted kids who tell me all the time that I''m the best mommy in the world and they would not trade me for anyone. They are my pride and jioy, my life.

Not planning anymore kids but if we got a surprise, I would welcome the baby but would still be 100% miserable about being pregnant! And I make NO apologizes for it either!

 

[amyg]

Thank you all soooooo much for your in put!! Just wanted to let you all know I''m beginnig to feel a lot better, instead of being constant the nausea now comes agoes 3 or 4 times a day!!! Still tired, but I can deal with that...We had a second ultrasound today and all is well, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow, we got great pictures of the baby, could see his/her little nose and arms and legs and a fast little heartbeat, and he/she also jumped for us a couple of times while we were watching!!! Very cool!!!

 

[MINE!!]

Amy... I am glad that you are feeling better.!!!

 

[Small]

Date: 8/15/2006 11:45:02 PM
Author: asscherisme
Oh, I see, subtle difference. You are not referring to women who hated being pregnant but wanted a child very much and was thrilled to have the child. You are referring to women who resented pregnancy and then it spilled over to resenting the child? If thats what you meant than that makes sense.

I thought you meant that women who hated being pregnant because they physically felt horrible were then bad mothers because the fetus could sense how miserable they were being pregnant.

I definately fell into the camp of being miserable while pregnant, physically felt awful but then went on to do it 3 more times because the end result is so wonderful

I''d have to say I fall into both camps...I hated being pregnant and the last pregnancy was a complete surprise and I was never happy about it until he came to us. I feel guilty to the day and if god forbid something ever happened to my son I''d feel this horrible sense of dread that it was my fault because I didn''t want another baby 6 mos after I had my first.
But I will say that he''s a very happy healthy little guy and the resentment/anger/pissiness that I felt during my pregnancy with him didn''t seem to rub off on him in the least. I was never obviously angry with him and once I found out his little heart was beating and he was a keeper (I had 2 m/c prior to the birth of my daughter) all I wanted was for him to be healthy regardless of my feelings about having him so soon. I NEVER got used to the fact that my daughter would be 15 mos when my son was to be born and I NEVER actually had happy feelings about having another baby so soon. To me it was like I was robbing my daughter of myself so soon that I had so much guilt and sadness for her. It did take me a bit to bond with him much more so than my daughter but he''s truly truly a blessing in our lives and I can''t imagine having done it any other way. In fact sometimes I feel like I try to love him more because of the way I felt in my pregnancy. I guess a child can never have too much love though huh??? What matters most is that you take care of yourself and do all you can to ensure a healthy happy pregnancy. Everyone has feelings of not wanting to be pregnant/hating being pregnant/tired of being fat/big, wanting your body back, etc. I always felt I should be more grateful and truly I am as with those 2 m/c I thought maybe I wasn''t meant to have children so when I did complain I used to come down on myself because there are so many people that can''t have kids. But you feel the way you feel and everybody complains sometimes...it''s just a part of the 40 week experience LOL.
So I think no matter what kind of feelings you have about the pregnancy once you see that little baby that you carried all of those months it all goes away. It was definitely worth everything I went through in both pregnancies. I really couldn''t do it again because its a detriment to my health and a risk to babies (I''m a high risk patient with several issues) but it''s definitely an experience I''m glad to have had. My two children are the brightest spots in my life and truly my miracles

 

[amyg]

Date: 8/23/2006 12:15:58 PM
Author: MINE!!
Amy... I am glad that you are feeling better.!!!

Thanks Mine!!!...me too...

 

[amyg]

Date: 8/24/2006 12:50:09 AM
Author: Small

Date: 8/15/2006 11:45:02 PM
Author: asscherisme
Oh, I see, subtle difference. You are not referring to women who hated being pregnant but wanted a child very much and was thrilled to have the child. You are referring to women who resented pregnancy and then it spilled over to resenting the child? If thats what you meant than that makes sense.

I thought you meant that women who hated being pregnant because they physically felt horrible were then bad mothers because the fetus could sense how miserable they were being pregnant.

I definately fell into the camp of being miserable while pregnant, physically felt awful but then went on to do it 3 more times because the end result is so wonderful

I''d have to say I fall into both camps...I hated being pregnant and the last pregnancy was a complete surprise and I was never happy about it until he came to us. I feel guilty to the day and if god forbid something ever happened to my son I''d feel this horrible sense of dread that it was my fault because I didn''t want another baby 6 mos after I had my first.
But I will say that he''s a very happy healthy little guy and the resentment/anger/pissiness that I felt during my pregnancy with him didn''t seem to rub off on him in the least. I was never obviously angry with him and once I found out his little heart was beating and he was a keeper (I had 2 m/c prior to the birth of my daughter) all I wanted was for him to be healthy regardless of my feelings about having him so soon. I NEVER got used to the fact that my daughter would be 15 mos when my son was to be born and I NEVER actually had happy feelings about having another baby so soon. To me it was like I was robbing my daughter of myself so soon that I had so much guilt and sadness for her. It did take me a bit to bond with him much more so than my daughter but he''s truly truly a blessing in our lives and I can''t imagine having done it any other way. In fact sometimes I feel like I try to love him more because of the way I felt in my pregnancy. I guess a child can never have too much love though huh??? What matters most is that you take care of yourself and do all you can to ensure a healthy happy pregnancy. Everyone has feelings of not wanting to be pregnant/hating being pregnant/tired of being fat/big, wanting your body back, etc. I always felt I should be more grateful and truly I am as with those 2 m/c I thought maybe I wasn''t meant to have children so when I did complain I used to come down on myself because there are so many people that can''t have kids. But you feel the way you feel and everybody complains sometimes...it''s just a part of the 40 week experience LOL.
So I think no matter what kind of feelings you have about the pregnancy once you see that little baby that you carried all of those months it all goes away. It was definitely worth everything I went through in both pregnancies. I really couldn''t do it again because its a detriment to my health and a risk to babies (I''m a high risk patient with several issues) but it''s definitely an experience I''m glad to have had. My two children are the brightest spots in my life and truly my miracles

Small- That explains a lot of the guilt I have felt...I felt guilty for feeling bad when I should just be happy that we were even able to have a baby, I know lots of women that have struggled with fertility for years and some were never able to conceive and here we didn''t even try and got pregnant on our honeymoon, and all i could think was how terrible I feel...but I guess that just means I''m human...it was good to hear your son is happy even though you weren''t all that happy during the pregnancy...I was beginning to worry about that...and that''s all a pregnant woman needs is something else to worry about...anyway thanks for sharing your story!!!

 

[Small]

Date: 8/24/2006 11:16:01 AM
Author: amyg

Date: 8/24/2006 12:50:09 AM
Author: Small

Date: 8/15/2006 11:45:02 PM
Author: asscherisme
Oh, I see, subtle difference. You are not referring to women who hated being pregnant but wanted a child very much and was thrilled to have the child. You are referring to women who resented pregnancy and then it spilled over to resenting the child? If thats what you meant than that makes sense.

I thought you meant that women who hated being pregnant because they physically felt horrible were then bad mothers because the fetus could sense how miserable they were being pregnant.

I definately fell into the camp of being miserable while pregnant, physically felt awful but then went on to do it 3 more times because the end result is so wonderful

I''d have to say I fall into both camps...I hated being pregnant and the last pregnancy was a complete surprise and I was never happy about it until he came to us. I feel guilty to the day and if god forbid something ever happened to my son I''d feel this horrible sense of dread that it was my fault because I didn''t want another baby 6 mos after I had my first.
But I will say that he''s a very happy healthy little guy and the resentment/anger/pissiness that I felt during my pregnancy with him didn''t seem to rub off on him in the least. I was never obviously angry with him and once I found out his little heart was beating and he was a keeper (I had 2 m/c prior to the birth of my daughter) all I wanted was for him to be healthy regardless of my feelings about having him so soon. I NEVER got used to the fact that my daughter would be 15 mos when my son was to be born and I NEVER actually had happy feelings about having another baby so soon. To me it was like I was robbing my daughter of myself so soon that I had so much guilt and sadness for her. It did take me a bit to bond with him much more so than my daughter but he''s truly truly a blessing in our lives and I can''t imagine having done it any other way. In fact sometimes I feel like I try to love him more because of the way I felt in my pregnancy. I guess a child can never have too much love though huh??? What matters most is that you take care of yourself and do all you can to ensure a healthy happy pregnancy. Everyone has feelings of not wanting to be pregnant/hating being pregnant/tired of being fat/big, wanting your body back, etc. I always felt I should be more grateful and truly I am as with those 2 m/c I thought maybe I wasn''t meant to have children so when I did complain I used to come down on myself because there are so many people that can''t have kids. But you feel the way you feel and everybody complains sometimes...it''s just a part of the 40 week experience LOL.
So I think no matter what kind of feelings you have about the pregnancy once you see that little baby that you carried all of those months it all goes away. It was definitely worth everything I went through in both pregnancies. I really couldn''t do it again because its a detriment to my health and a risk to babies (I''m a high risk patient with several issues) but it''s definitely an experience I''m glad to have had. My two children are the brightest spots in my life and truly my miracles

Small- That explains a lot of the guilt I have felt...I felt guilty for feeling bad when I should just be happy that we were even able to have a baby, I know lots of women that have struggled with fertility for years and some were never able to conceive and here we didn''t even try and got pregnant on our honeymoon, and all i could think was how terrible I feel...but I guess that just means I''m human...it was good to hear your son is happy even though you weren''t all that happy during the pregnancy...I was beginning to worry about that...and that''s all a pregnant woman needs is something else to worry about...anyway thanks for sharing your story!!!

Amyg...keep your head up. I kept saying while I was pregnant with my son, ''why me...many women would give their right arm to be in my shoes and I didn''t even get to enjoy the daughter I fought so hard to have yet.'' That''s just one of the many bad thoughts I had and I carry that everyday. Because truly my son is the happiest little boy and such a bright spot in our lives. And probably alot of the woman that went through infertility complain once through 40 weeks so although most women are really appreciative and greatful it''s hard to be happy when you are puking your guts out and uncomfortable in week 39 because you can''t sleep and you are about ready to pop. You are going to be a great mom...just remember to enjoy this time in your life with your husband because the baby changes your life so dramatically but it''s all for the good

 

[ephemery1]

Small, your story sounds so similar to our cousins. They had tried for many years to get pregnant, before deciding to adopt... and were overjoyed when they brought home a beautiful baby girl last fall. Less than 6 months later, they received a phone call saying another baby girl was available... and they had 2 hours to decide what to do. After being childless and hopeful for so long, they felt they couldn't turn down another healthy baby... so gratefully brought her home as well.

But when the shock wore off, they struggled for MONTHS with the feeling that they were depriving their first beloved daughter of love and attention by splitting their time with a new baby as well. Bonding was really tough compared to how seamless things were with the first, and both parents suffered through a lot of undue guilt and worry before they finally began settling into a routine and genuinely enjoying their two surprise babies!

 

[Small]

Date: 8/25/2006 12:59:29 AM
Author: ephemery1
Small, your story sounds so similar to our cousins. They had tried for many years to get pregnant, before deciding to adopt... and were overjoyed when they brought home a beautiful baby girl last fall. Less than 6 months later, they received a phone call saying another baby girl was available... and they had 2 hours to decide what to do. After being childless and hopeful for so long, they felt they couldn''t turn down another healthy baby... so gratefully brought her home as well.

But when the shock wore off, they struggled for MONTHS with the feeling that they were depriving their first beloved daughter of love and attention by splitting their time with a new baby as well. Bonding was really tough compared to how seamless things were with the first, and both parents suffered through a lot of undue guilt and worry before they finally began settling into a routine and genuinely enjoying their two surprise babies!

It''s very difficult to raise two in the baby stage so close in age. But after you get used to it...it''s also so incredibly rewarding. My two children love each other so very much. They play and laugh and are so close. These are things that I didn''t even focus on when pregnant. Honestly having them so close has been a blessing. It''s the most heart warming experience to watch them interact and to see the innocent love they have for each other. I make sure to capture all of this on video so when the day comes they tell me they hate each other I can show them how much they loved each other as children LOL
Congrats to your cousins...I''m sure they feel as I do now after all of the initial craziness of having two has worn off. You always wonder how you''ll ever love another as much as your first and amazingly you love them as much and can''t imagine what life would be like with just one again. I actually gave my daughter a wonderful gift so although she didn''t have as much time with just mommy she now has time with a complete family

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/3/2006 1:46:12 AM
Author: Small

It''s very difficult to raise two in the baby stage so close in age. But after you get used to it...it''s also so incredibly rewarding. My two children love each other so very much. They play and laugh and are so close. These are things that I didn''t even focus on when pregnant. Honestly having them so close has been a blessing. It''s the most heart warming experience to watch them interact and to see the innocent love they have for each other. I make sure to capture all of this on video so when the day comes they tell me they hate each other I can show them how much they loved each other as children LOL
Congrats to your cousins...I''m sure they feel as I do now after all of the initial craziness of having two has worn off. You always wonder how you''ll ever love another as much as your first and amazingly you love them as much and can''t imagine what life would be like with just one again. I actually gave my daughter a wonderful gift so although she didn''t have as much time with just mommy she now has time with a complete family

I just love how you phrased that... so true! We were visiting the girls this weekend and amazed at how they''ve both grown and changed since we saw them last... they definitely have their own unique personalities! But they are so well-adjusted... not spoiled at all, just loving and loved. We are really looking forward to watching them grow up together... I''m sure there will be phases where they''re not so happy with each other, but in the meantime, I hope they''ll be just as close and content as your two!