Pouring out my heart

[redcardinal]

This message will seem very out of place on this message board, given all the happily married and engaged people here. I really need help from someone, I can''t tell anyone in my real life this stuff, and you all seem like a very nice group of people, which is what I really need right now. I only write to ask for support in doing the right thing - please don''t judge me or hate me - I am trying to do the right thing and I need support.

I am a young lawyer who worked very hard in law school and managed to get a good job at a great firm. I started one year ago and loved it. A partner at my firm took me under his wing and I worked exclusively for him. There was a team of four of us and we were great friends, worked hard, etc. I felt so lucky that I was part of a team and felt a huge sense of belonging.

The problems started when I had to travel alone with my boss. He likes to go out to nice dinners and order bottles of wine. The first few times we went out were ok, maybe a little awkward. The next few times were really fun. My boss is almost 20 years older than me, married, and with two children. He''s a devout Catholic, former frat boy, and former politician who is very controversial in our area. He has been on the cover of a couple of major newspapers in the past year, even though his political career is over. I thought he was an amazing person, and may have had a little crush on him just because he was so nice to me and so intelligent, but also because he was a good father and husband and that was what I look for in a man my age.

Anyway, after several of these business trips, he started inappropriate conversations. He would try to challenge me by saying I seemed so innocent and I would regret it later that I wasn''t more sexually adventurous when I was young. Lots of stuff like that. And I admit it, I sort of played into this. I flirted back. I was curious about his past history and used this as an opportunity to hear all of his crazy stories from when he was in college. By the grace of God, even though he tried kissing me twice, I resisted him. I told him that I could no longer travel with him because I could not trust myself to do the right thing and I didn''t want to be in that situation. I thought that would be the end of things, but that was 9 months ago.

Since then, our flirting has continued in the office. I did have feelings for him, but I recognize that they were mostly sexual feelings and that even if he was single, things would never work between us because we are simply not compatible, we''re just two very different animals. I still continued to do almost all of my work for him with this team of four people (the other two people are his long term friends). He told me indirectly on a couple of ocassions that he loves me. I tried to break off the flirting and start working with other partners, so that I wouldn''t be so dependent on this man for my career.

When I started doing work for others, he pulled out the rug from under me. He took me off all of my cases, cases that I had poured by heart and soul into for 10 months. When I found out (not because he told me, I found out by reading an email that was laying in plain view), I became so emotional that I cried for an entire day and broke out in hives. Never in my life, through any breakup or any emotional situation, have I ever been so upset to have a physical reaction.

This was two months ago. I have very little contact with the members of my former team, except for the partner. There have been weeks where we have barely talked and there have been times when I have told him that I could never forgive him for taking me off of my cases, and he just denies that it ever happened.

i can''t believe his gall, but he still flirts with me. And sometimes, when I am in a good or silly mood, I find myself flirting back. One day I cry and am so angry at him that i can''t even look at him, and the next day I joke around like we are old friends. I can''t even believe myself.

I look in the mirror and I have no idea what to think. I know I did the right thing by never kissing him, never being physical. But doing the right thing hurts so much, both my career and my heart. Some days are better than others and today is a rough day. But I just can''t help but wonder why I can''t be over him? I know deep down in my heart that (1) this guy is not a nice person and is willing and able to hurt me, and (2) that I need to stop thinking about him so darn much. I am also now in a weird place at my law firm - I have to beg other partners for work.

If you have any advice for me on how to get through this time without going crazy, how to surf the wave of these emotions that inevitably swell, and most importantly, on how to stop caring about this person who so obviously doesn''t care about me, please help. Or just share your thoughts.

 

[Skippy123]

Gosh, I am so sorry; that is awful. I do want to say that I am very proud of you not doing what he wanted you to do. You need to hold your head up high. There are a few things you could do. You can talk to someone in HR and hopefully you have proof or talk to another partner about the situation. Another thing I personally would do is start looking for another job if you don''t think this could be resolved.

 

[justjulia]

A change might do you good. It''s time to move on. Find another job.

 

[marvel]

Date: 9/21/2007 3:08:34 PM
Author: Skippy123
Gosh, I am so sorry; that is awful. I do want to say that I am very proud of you not doing what he wanted you to do. You need to hold your head up high. There are a few things you could do. You can talk to someone in HR and hopefully you have proof or talk to another partner about the situation. Another thing I personally would do is start looking for another job if you don''t think this could be resolved.

Ditto what Skippy said...and kudos to you for not falling into his trap. Although, he has sucked you in emotionally. Looking for another job is the best thing to do. In the meantime, I would recommend counseling to help you understand why you are so vulnerable to this unavailable man, and to help support you while your on the hunt for a new job. This is really a stressful situation and talking to someone on a regular basis would be helpful until your through this hump.

Good luck!!

 

[onedrop]

Wow, my heart goes out to you. I agree with what the others have said about finding a new job, but I know that might be very difficult. Especially since this partner seems vindictive. I would be afraid he''d try and sabotage any career moves. However it is going to be even harder to stay at your firm and succeed because he has the power in his corner right now. So definitely start looking for other opportunities. Hopefully there are some other partners that will provide job references for you for potential employers. And by the way this guy is a JERK! You were really, really strong not to fall for his game.

 

[decodelighted]

First of all ... I think you''re AWESOME. Not *perfect* .. real, live human girls aren''t *perfect* ... sometimes we flirt & do things we know are less than IDEAL, because we crave attention and get flattered etc too. But AWESOME for staying true to your CORE convictions & recognizing the simple fact that he is not a man you

a) are able to have a real "relationship" with
b) respect
c) are compatible with in the long term
d) can TRUST

This is a CRUSH. I *swear*. I have been through it and I am GLAD I didn''t not act. Not because I don''t still wonder what things would have been like -- but because I didn''t betray my own CORE BELIEFS for the antecdotal knowledge/kicks.

In hindsight you''ll see that this is a pattern for him and that you''re not the true love of his life or anything ... and that men like this get their ego stroked with flirtations & the adoration of women who don''t know better yet. The kicker is -- you DO KNOW BETTER. You''re smarter than most and see him (sometimes) for who he really is.

I 2nd the call to look for another job. I don''t think things will improve. You can''t unring a bell. Just gather your strength & get a fresh start. I bet you''ll land someplace MUCH MUCH BETTER! (At least better for your sanity!

)

 

[Independent Gal]

So sorry to hear this. It sounds very difficult. I knew a few cases like this when I was in graduate school, where professors would do this with grad students. One of them was a friend, and I watched her deal with the very serious fallout. A few of us gals became very interested in this phenomenon as a result.

Unfortunately, men who do this often do it serially. It''s so darn easy and gives them a huge ego boost. When an older, prominent and very charismatic man that you look up to gives you ''special'' attention, it can''t help but make you feel amazing. These men try to make you feel like you have given them something they have never got elsewhere. They try to make you feel that you''re the most special woman in the world. It makes young women extremely vulnerable. That''s WHY there are rules against those kinds of relationships in workplaces, with religious leaders, with professors, etc, with anyone who has not just the power to actually harm you, but the psychological power of authority, of being a sort of father figure.

Men like that get addicted to the attention. I hope this helps rather than hurts, but you must know in your heart that you''re not the first one he''s done this to. I bet there''s a long line of women he''s targeted and harmed before you, and there will be a long line after you if someone doesn''t call him on it. Men who need that kind of serial attention from someone who is vulnerable, at their mercy, easy to control, and young are to be pitied. Their wives are to be pitied far, far more! He probably told you things about her, right? That she was mean to him, or ignored him or whatnot? That''s also part of the pattern. Also these men tend to be highly charismatic and charming. They are used to being able to get away with stuff because of that.

What he has done in flirting with you, saying sexually suggestive things, trying to get you drunk (seriously!) etc... he''s a predator, and you need to start to see him that way .

Don''t feel badly! It sounds like you kept yourself from doing anything really wrong. That''s very admirable given his considerable power over you (and I''m not talking about him being your boss here, I''m talking about his psychological power over you). And also, you know you''re faaaaaar from the first intelligent self-possessed young woman to fall for this kind of thing. And you won''t be the last either!

Treat this like any other ''break-up'', coddle yourself, vent to us, eat some ice cream, treat yourself to things you like, and remind yourself that you WILL feel better. You WILL get over this and move on to a real fulfilling relationship wtih someone who sees you as a person, not ''prey''. And start looking for a job at another firm! If I were you, I couldn''t keep working there.

This is good life experience. You''ll recognize these predators in the future and help your friends to do so too.

And please, feel free to come here and vent as much as you want! We''ll do our best to support you.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I believe that your best move would be to leave that firm as soon as possible, and try to avoid that man while you are still there. As a new attorney starting out, it''s better to avoid situations of this type.

 

[woobug02]

Don''t feel bad about yourself.... you were just impressed by the wrong person. You sound like an awesome Lawyer and shame on him for using your career against you..... I must 2nd, 3rd and 4th looking for a new job....do it discreetly but get the heck out of dodge Some day you will look back on this and realize you were much smarter than you think... wooooo

 

[redcardinal]

Thank you so much for your responses and support.

I would like to look for a new job, but realistically I think I have to wait a year. My grades weren''t that spectacular and I am in a specific field, and this firm was honestly my "dream" firm." It''s a shame because I really like all of my other co-workers except for this guy. If I could get over him, and truly not care anymore, I could see myself staying at this firm for the long haul. Also, I just bought my first home so I can''t take a job that pays less for at least another year. So it is really hard for me to accept changing jobs yet....

When you said that thing about him making me feel special.....it just reminds me of something. I assumed from day 1 when he was flirting with me that he had slept with many many women besides his wife (in fact, I think he may be sleeping with another co-worker, but that is besides the point). Anyway, when we were out drinking one night I asked him, "Tell me, how many women have you been with since you have been married?" And he wouldn''t answer me, and I whined about it a little bit. And then he whispered in my ear, "Zero." And I said, "You are such a liar." And he said, "You''re special. Isn''t that what you wanted to hear?"

And even though I was disgusted because I didn''t believe him, a little part of me really wanted to believe it was true. That I was so special to him.
That was 9 months ago and since then he has contended that he has NEVER cheated on his wife and that I am the only one he is attracted to. But my heart and head tell me that he is lying, I just wish I had hard proof so I could really let go of this notion.

 

[omieluv]

Date: 9/21/2007 4:33:08 PM
Author: redcardinal
Thank you so much for your responses and support.

I would like to look for a new job, but realistically I think I have to wait a year. My grades weren't that spectacular and I am in a specific field, and this firm was honestly my 'dream' firm.' It's a shame because I really like all of my other co-workers except for this guy. If I could get over him, and truly not care anymore, I could see myself staying at this firm for the long haul. Also, I just bought my first home so I can't take a job that pays less for at least another year. So it is really hard for me to accept changing jobs yet....

When you said that thing about him making me feel special.....it just reminds me of something. I assumed from day 1 when he was flirting with me that he had slept with many many women besides his wife (in fact, I think he may be sleeping with another co-worker, but that is besides the point). Anyway, when we were out drinking one night I asked him, 'Tell me, how many women have you been with since you have been married?' And he wouldn't answer me, and I whined about it a little bit. And then he whispered in my ear, 'Zero.' And I said, 'You are such a liar.' And he said, 'You're special. Isn't that what you wanted to hear?'

And even though I was disgusted because I didn't believe him, a little part of me really wanted to believe it was true. That I was so special to him.
That was 9 months ago and since then he has contended that he has NEVER cheated on his wife and that I am the only one he is attracted to. But my heart and head tell me that he is lying, I just wish I had hard proof so I could really let go of this notion.

This part of your response bothers me most, you need to go with your 1st instinct in situations like this - trust yourself, you are probably correct, especially given everything he has already done to you.

This man is in a position of power and he is using his power to manipulate your emotions, as he has probably done to several women. When you refused to pursue anything sexual with this man, he saw fit to "punish" you by further abusing his power when he took you off of your cases. Given that you are a lawyer, you are probably quite familiar with "quid-pro-quo" in the cases of sexual harassment cases & this is exactly what is happening here.

I give you so much credit for being strong, however I fear that all of the guilt you seem to harbor is breaking you down. Please do not give in, he is determined to break you down.

 

[Independent Gal]

AAAARGH! Sleezebag! Just picturing him whispering that lie in your ear. ARGH! Disgusting. Oh, I could just about smack him.

Two random suggestions:

1) Try to get angry to get over him. We have some control over our thoughts. So change your inner dialogue from 'He's so handsome and I think he really loved me!' to "THAT FRAKKING YUCKY DISGUSTING JERK! How could he treat me like this? How could he use me?! How could he endanger my career?!? And now he's sleeping with another one of my colleagues?! GROSS!" Then imagine a scenario in which you are his wife. Imagine knowing, every time he goes out of town, that he's probably trying to get into whatever young thing's trousers. Never being able to trust him. Etc. Sounds like fun, huh?

The trick there, is not to get trapped in the anger. Anger isn't a fun feeling, but it can be a helpful bridge. And it's a helpful part of restoring your self-respect. The thing is, what you're probably suffering from now is not really love for him or whatnot, but the withdrawal from the sense of feeling really special, right? Well, here's a fact: I'm 100% sure, even though I don't know you, that there is plenty about you that is enormously special. And this pathetic jerk who preys on young women didn't see that you're special, but instead saw you as a skirt. If he saw you as you really are, he wouldn't have treated you so badly for his egotistical aims. So, go out there and find yourself a man who REALLY sees how special you REALLY are, and not some sleezy disgusting predator who doesn't appreciate you.

To help you with this... 2) Consider talking to a counselor of some kind. Talking it through with someone might help.

3) Going out on a few dates with men closer to your age. Let some other men, nice ones!, make you feel special. Let them admire you and appreciate you and your accomplishments. That might help too. Maybe there will even be one among them that is YOUR one?

 

[Allisonfaye]

Wow, I feel for you. You say you have to stay there for a couple of very good reasons but I am wondering if staying there may backfire on you and HURT your career? If he took you off all of those cases, what are the other people being told about the reason why?

I totally understand your mixed feelings about this guy. I have been in a couple of similar situations over the years. When I was 21, I had a crush on my boyfriend''s father because we shared some interests and he talked to me and listened to me like no one ever had (certainly not my OWN dad). Turned out, he was supposedly in love with me and I found out when I decided to break up with his son and move away. I still have feelings of guilt wondering if I harmed his marriage because I loved his wife so much too.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Doesn''t matter whether he is lying about his faithfulness not. He is MARRIED and it is WRONG for him to be after you, period. I admire you for resisting. Stay away from him and stop the flirting. You have integrity and don''t give that up. Build your career in the firm with other partners or get out as soon as you can. He''ll probably eventually leave you alone if you make it CLEAR that you are not interested in advancing your career by this method.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/21/2007 4:53:40 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
Wow, I feel for you. You say you have to stay there for a couple of very good reasons but I am wondering if staying there may backfire on you and HURT your career? If he took you off all of those cases, what are the other people being told about the reason why?

I totally understand your mixed feelings about this guy. I have been in a couple of similar situations over the years. When I was 21, I had a crush on my boyfriend''s father because we shared some interests and he talked to me and listened to me like no one ever had (certainly not my OWN dad). Turned out, he was supposedly in love with me and I found out when I decided to break up with his son and move away. I still have feelings of guilt wondering if I harmed his marriage because I loved his wife so much too.

I agree w/AllisonFaye, you need to leave. You never know if you will get another job that will pay the same until you try. Best wishes.

 

[Steel]

Hi Redcardinal,

Welcome

,

Congratulations on your many successes thus far. You seem like a conscientious young lady who can count among her achievements, a new home and budding legal career. I am very sure you worked hard for both. Take a moment and pat yourself on the back.

That said I would like to offer my advice, which may be controversial.

You know your situation best so take my thoughts with a large bucket of salt.

As your field is specific it may be best to try to extract yourself from this situation with as much grace and finality as possible.
What I mean is that it may be worth considering having an informal meeting/word with the predator in question and making your excuses. Just thinking off the top of my head, if it were me I would 'bump' into him 'accidentally' and ask him to join me for coffee. Thank him for his guidance over that last year. I would say I enjoyed his company but was pleased that things were left where they were so that there be no uncomfortable ness between us. Perhaps you could discuss a current case and ask his opinion - even if you don't want it. (If he got fresh, I would brush it off as a joke and continue to do so.)

I say this because if you do not want to make an example of him to HR then tackle it head on, don't allow awkward silences to fester, it may be your own career you hurt long term.
Clearly this creep has established a name for himself, if it is seen that he avoids you and you him, then perhaps people may put 2 and 2 together. Rise above it. Try to wade out of this mess with dignity and hopefully a tongue that is not too bitten. You made a few choices that in any other situation would be forgotten, accept that you made them, they are here to bite you in the a$$ hold your head up and try to salvage it.

Especially if you want to stay at the firm and doubly especially if this firm and creep will never be far away if the speciality is narrow.

Just my 2 cents

ETA: I meant to say regarding your aching heart. Get some help; I am a firm advocate of therapy. Please go.
If you watched sex and the city, Carrie went to a therapist after a BIG break up and the therapist caught her off guard by asking why she chased unavailable men. Remember that one? Well she thought the therapist was nuts and went on to sleep with a guy she met in the therapists waiting room who low and behold was another unavailable man.
As a woman with a legal mind, I am sure you must have a high degree of logic when analysing situations. Try to put your energy into why you fell for this man, not lamenting him. He almost caught you once, don’t waste anymore time on him. Fool you once, not twice.

-Sorry, I don’t mean to be mean-

 

[rockzilla]

Isn't this illegal? Maybe not...you're the lawyer, so you would know but...

A supervisor in a position of power over you propositions you...you say no and attempt to distance yourself

In RETALIATION he takes you off cases...a move that may damage your career....

Again, I'm not a lawyer, but this seems pretty clear cut...at the very least the guy should be out of there!

PS Why should YOU have to leave your job because you ended up with a sleaseball boss?! This isn't Mad Men of 1960!

 

[AGBF]

Welcome, redcardinal. I think there are two issues here. One is whether you can find another job given your grades, your financial obligations, and so forth. I suspect that you can. I think that you may have to be motivated to leave, however, because the next job may not be as good as your current one or be easy to find.

The other issue is emotional: what is going on inside you that wants to stay engaged with this man. I think that is what is really holding you in your present job.

I would suggest counseling, but counseling doesn''t always work. Sometimes one just has to live these things out and find out for oneself. At least that has been my experience. It would be nice if we could learn from the experiences of others, but when it comes to affairs of the heart we often have to learn through experience.

I wish you a lot of luck. In an ideal world I would like to see you leave him and the firm.

Deborah

 

[movie zombie]

he''s a predator, you were young and naive. he knows how to play the game both in the office and out. he''s probably been with the firm for many years and i''m sure management is aware of his behaviors. if you take it to them, the best you can hope for is an under the door settlement for some specific amount of $ and signing an agreement to not talk about it with anyone......yes, i''ve worked in many legal offices and i''ve actually seen this done. yes, its against the law to be a sexual predator in the work place but law offices are sometimes the first to break laws.

i''ve become rather jaded regarding law offices and lawyers. you''ve run into a nastier side of office politics: sleep with me and all is well with your caseload and you may even advance. i''ll tell you all the pretty words you want to hear. i''ll make you feel special. trust me: he''s had years to hone these skills so don''t beat yourself up too much. but do realize that he is an abusive personality with actual power within the law firm. if you can''t leave, then cut your losses and be glad that all you''re losing is 10 months of work you poured your heart and soul into. chalk it up to a learning lesson. keep all relationships with co-workers in the office, outside the office, and during travel on a business basis. don''t accept those solo dinners or meet for drink offers.

you''re headed in the right direction by developing working relationships with other partners. try and accept as much work as you can from them.

re your statement about getting over him: what''s to get over?! he''s a user. he put your career and future at risk. just a suggestion: you might want to seek some counseling to resolve this aspect of your confused feelings. unfortunately, they don''t have a course for this type of thing in law school........but one thing about law office politics is that the firm will always back the partner over the new associate.

good luck.

movie zombie

 

[kcoursolle]

There is a number of things you could do. I''m not going to go out on a limb and say which is best because I think you know your situation better than me. I would recommend talking to a close family member or friend however.

Here are a few options:
1) start fresh. New job, new boss...new career life. (This is probably what I would do, but you know what is best for you)
2) if he plays dirty, you play dirty. Tape record him. Say that if he sabotages you, you can always tell his wife.
3) talk to HR instead of your boss...whistleblowers often face poor consequences with their career unfortunately


No matter what you do, I would suggest keeping a journal of his actions and getting any possible witnesses you can on your side. Jot down what happened, when it happened, etc. and keep it in a safe place in case you decide to take him to court for sexual harassment or something more serious happens.

 

[scarleta]

Skippy''s quote:
Another thing I personally would do is start looking for another job if you don''t think this could be resolved.
That would work for sure..

 

[somethingshiny]

My suggestion is forgiveness. Forgive him for setting you up, manipulating you, and lying to you. And, forgive yourself for flirting back and whatever else you feel you''ve done wrong in the situation. If you hold any anger, resentment or sadness, it only hurts you. If you''re able to forgive, you may be able to continue working with this person and thereby continue in your "dream" job. Good luck as you work through this difficult situation.

 

[surfgirl]

Yeah, you're the only one...and I have some swamp land in New Jersey...would you like to buy it? It's really nice! Seriously? He's full of crap. You KNOW that. Years ago, I used to know someone like that and he claimed he'd only been with about 5 women in his life on account of him being so selective. Yeah, right. I wanted to believe that at a time in my life when I was vulnerable to his smarmy charms. Thank god nothing ever really happened other than flirting. You need to get a new job. Period. Either that or go to your HR department and discuss your options with the HR director. He's sexually harassing you. You're young, he's old. He's taking advantage of you and punishing you because you wont have sex with him. That's called sexual harassment. It's punishable by law.

 

[movie zombie]

HR reports to the partners........it will be a rare day that HR will back the associate. make sure you''ve documented everything and have a line of witnesses to his inappropriate behavior if you decide to proceed with HR and/or legally.

movie zombie

 

[scarleta]

As surfgirl said" He''s full of crap."
Believe in yourself and " don''t buy this"
Surely you may take a bit of financial loss and a loss of pride to go with it ,as you leave the firm.In the long run it will make you very proud of yourself.You are far more superior than him and you can put your talents elsewhere.I wish you lots of luck...

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/22/2007 1:33:28 AM
Author: scarleta
Surely you may take a bit of financial loss and a loss of pride to go with it ,as you leave the firm.In the long run it will make you very proud of yourself.You are far more superior than him and you can put your talents elsewhere.I wish you lots of luck...

I understand your reasons, redcardinal, for saying you should stay and try to see it through, but I really think you should get yourself out of that situation and agree with what scarleta says above. It's bad for you. Plain and simple. And it may be better for your career long-term to stay (though some might argue that it's not esp since who knows what he could be telling others as you really are in a vulnerable position right now)...but what's better for your mind? Your self-esteem? Sense of value? Sometimes a sacrifice must be made in order to respect one's self in the morning or the next year or 10 years down the line. You did the right thing by not taking it farther, so continue to do the right thing for yourself, and get out of this situation. Honestly life is too short to be in a crappy work situation, I have been there, done that and left and moved on and ended up somewhere so much more positive, I see it as my good karma for having to deal with such a crappy situation previously.

 

[rainwood]

Redcardinal -

I''m sorry to hear about your situation. I''m a woman who worked in a large law firm for more than 20 years and unfortunately your situation is not uncommon. It is a tricky one to handle, however, in a way where you and your career are not irreparably damaged. The people here are right - that partner is an expert in manipulating you so that you ultimately succumb and sleep with him. That is his goal. You are not the first woman he''s done this too. Take that as a fact, regardless of what he says, because it''s TRUE. These kind of guys don''t just do this once, they do it as often as they can. And stop flirting with him or whatever it is you''re doing if for no other reason than it will be perceived as inconsistent with being sexually harassed in the manner you''re describing. Most people will think that if you''re still flirting and acting friendly even though you''re not working with him anymore that he hasn''t done what you''ve said he''s done and won''t believe you later if you claim quid pro quo sexual harassment. SO KNOCK IT OFF.

The tricky part is what else to do. There isn''t a good, easy answer. Only you know if you have job prospects at other firms at this stage in your career. Leaving at the end of the first year of practice can be difficult, more so if the work you do is highly specialized. If your law school grades weren''t stellar, it may be taken as a sign that you didn''t have the skills to make it in private practice at this level. And if this is the dream firm, any other place will be a step down in some way.

That said, staying long-term may not be in the cards for you either if you don''t get enough work to make your billable hours requirement and develop your legal skills. Again, only you can sort out the likelihood that you can reposition yourself to get enough work and training from other partners so you can continue to progress and succeed at this firm. The more powerful the problem guy is, the harder this will be to do. And you''ll also need to figure out how you''re going to interact with the problem partner in a way that doesn''t re-ignite or worsen the problem because he''ll still be at the firm and you won''t be able to avoid him.

If you aren''t able to reposition yourself so that you get the hours and the training you need, chances are you''re going to be asked to leave at some point anyway. I''m sorry to be blunt but that''s the economic fact at most firms. And if that comes a year from now then you''re still in the position of having to find another job. Maybe that''s a better time to find another job, but again you''re in a better position to know that than we would.

There are other strategies too, but they may not work - much depends on what your firm is like when it comes to stuff like this and chances are even you don''t know the answer to this. If it''s an old boys'' club kind of place, you''re probably not going to have a successful outcome if you go to HR. Rotten, but true. The best you''ll be able to hope for is some kind of financial payout, and maybe not even that unless you sue. But you''ll still have to leave. If it''s a big place with employment lawyers and somewhat progressive management, there''s a good chance that someone knows his pattern, whether it''s his fellow partners, firm management, or HR. Again, you''d probably be looking at a financial settlement but also a confidentiality provision, and an agreement about how references are handled and worded. You may still have to leave, but the dollars would be bigger and you''d have negotiated references - meaning the problem partner can''t slam you to other firms.

Is there a possibility that HR can figure out a way for you to continue on at the firm unscathed? Maybe, but I''m not sure this happens very often. Again, a lot depends on the firm and the personalities involved. Don''t count on the problem partner being asked to leave unless his fellow partners get tired of having to pay out money to harassed associates or there have been so many reported instances that they face even greater exposure.

The other thing you should be aware of is that if the firm is well-managed on sexual harassment issues, anyone you confide in, at least at the partner or management level, will report this to someone, managing partner or HR typically, even if you ask them not to. So be aware that if you confide in someone at the firm, it may not stay a secret.

There''s another possibility, which is to try and stay pleasant with the problem partner (no flirting or any kind of encouraging behavior) and wait until he either gives up or sets his sights on some other target. Eventually he will move on to someone else. He''d have done the same even if you did sleep with him. That''s what these guys do. If you can find enough work to keep you busy in the meantime, maybe all this blows over and you get to stay there and build a career. Again, I have no idea if this could work in your situation. I just set it out as another possibility.

I''m sorry I''m not giving you more hopeful or optimistic solutions. This is one of those areas where real life doesn''t give very many good options. I''m headed out of town for a few days but hope you''re able to think your way through this. Best of luck.

 

[sunkist]

Basically the reason you are giving for not leaving your job now is because it is HARD. Yeah, so it''s hard. Doing the right thing is always more difficult that sitting back and doing nothng. You already know how difficult it was to do the right thing and not give into his temptations. You know that doing the right thing wasn''t the easy path to take, but it made you feel better and you knew you did the right thing. But you''re not out of the situation yet. You so need to get out of this and leave it all behind. You don''t want you to even take the chance of getting worn down by him or even putting yourself in danger. Please, look for another job. Hard, yes, but you are strong. Do it.

 

[crown1]

not sure if the op is stil around since at this point she has only 2 posts. if she is i will offer my opinion which she will not like.

i think the older man (the partner) is a scum bag. i think that is the common thought in this thread. i cannot let the op off of the hook entirely though. if she has been through undergrad and law school she is close to 25, at least. unless she has lived her life in a vacuum she has to know flirting and discussing the topics she mentioned with her senior team member is unwise behavior and unkind behavior to his wife and family.

granted the senior partner is the one who owes his wife and family fidelity but she has become a part of the equation. i have been in a similar circumstance when i was young. i was recruited by a man old enough to be my father and he started with the lunch invitations and telling me about himself and his "business" habits. i heard about the "trips" that would be coming up. i did not buy into it. i was shocked and really just listened since i was "green" and didn''t know what to say. to make a long story short i just didn''t "flirt" or make myself available.

i think you have laid it all out and i don''t think there is a future for you in this firm. you got started out wrong. the senior partner was way out of line but you played along and now are crying foul. yes, it is a tough place now but better to cut your losses and get a good start someplace else. you realize the flirting got you where you are so just stop it.

 

[poptart]

Date: 9/22/2007 6:58:49 AM
Author: crown1
not sure if the op is stil around since at this point she has only 2 posts. if she is i will offer my opinion which she will not like.


i think the older man (the partner) is a scum bag. i think that is the common thought in this thread. i cannot let the op off of the hook entirely though. if she has been through undergrad and law school she is close to 25, at least. unless she has lived her life in a vacuum she has to know flirting and discussing the topics she mentioned with her senior team member is unwise behavior and unkind behavior to his wife and family.


granted the senior partner is the one who owes his wife and family fidelity but she has become a part of the equation. i have been in a similar circumstance when i was young. i was recruited by a man old enough to be my father and he started with the lunch invitations and telling me about himself and his ''business'' habits. i heard about the ''trips'' that would be coming up. i did not buy into it. i was shocked and really just listened since i was ''green'' and didn''t know what to say. to make a long story short i just didn''t ''flirt'' or make myself available.


i think you have laid it all out and i don''t think there is a future for you in this firm. you got started out wrong. the senior partner was way out of line but you played along and now are crying foul. yes, it is a tough place now but better to cut your losses and get a good start someplace else. you realize the flirting got you where you are so just stop it.

I agree completely with everything crown said.

*M*