Parents of couple, how do you feel about the wording of the invitation?

[choro72]

I''m not asking about the grammar. When you read the following sentence, does it offend you? The bride and groom pays for all main guests, which includes family and friends.
Groom''s parents pay for their friends that the couple don''t know (or want).

Together with their parents,
Bride''s name
and
Groom''s name
joyfully request
the pleasure of your company
at their marriage ceremony

 

[sunnyd]

That''s traditionally how it''s worded if everyone is pitching in. We did it that way, and if anyone was offended, we didn''t hear about it.

 

[meresal]

No, it doesn't. I am putting myself in the position of the parents (both sets), since I'm guessing this is why you are asking.

For the situation you described, I think that this is the perfect way to include all of the parents without singling out the set that didn't provide any money.

 

[choro72]

That''s what I thought too. Oh well. Thanks for your input.

 

[swingirl]

My invitation was worded somewhat like yours although we had the parents' names spelled out. It didn't have anything to do with who paid for what. We choose to honor our parents by including their names. We paid for our entire wedding. Well, my mom insisted on paying for hors d'oeuvres because she thought everyone would be hungry while we had the reception line. But the invitation is really from you and your FI.

 

[choro72]

Thanks swingirl. May I ask what nationality you are? I wanted to see if FIL''s reaction was common.
Would you understand if we say that we merely looked at examples from public sources, that we didn''t mean any disrespect?

 

[meresal]

What exactly does he think is disrespectful? Not having their full name, or the fact that your parents are on there as well, and didn't contribute monetarily?

 

[choro72]

His dad was insulted that their names weren''t specifically printed out. He said (yelled) that his friends wouldn''t know who we are (duh, we''ve never even heard of them), it''s not traditional, it''s not presentable to their friends, and that FIL and MIL will appear at the wedding but they will not invite any of their friends (good riddance, I would say).

Obviously I''m still upset by his reaction, but I wanted to know if there was any truth to their argument. It has never been easy to please FIL...It''s all about being able to show face to his friends, but we''re not planning our wedding around people we don''t know.

Arg, I''ll stop because I''m just making biased complaints now.

 

[mayachel]

1st-This has been the most frequently used wording to honor situations like this, and I think it''s fine.

2nd-if the couple see it as being up for negotiation, could it be:

Jane Smith and John Doe,
together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Joe
joyfully request
the pleasure of your company
at their marriage ceremony

 

[havernell]

Date: 12/15/2009 5:50:31 PM
Author: mayachel

2nd-if the couple see it as being up for negotiation, could it be:


Jane Smith and John Doe,

together with their parents

Mr. and Mrs Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Joe

joyfully request

the pleasure of your company

at their marriage ceremony

This wording make sense to me as it lets you include everyone''s name.

I understand not wanting to be pushed around by your FIL, but really, would it really be that big of a deal to just go ahead list parent names on the invitation? What do you "gain" by sticking with your original wording? Are you just trying to show that you''re the ones paying for most of the wedding? If so, ask yourself it it''s really necessary if guests know who is paying.

Weddings are stressful enough that arguing with family about something small like invitation wording just isn''t worth it. Why not just list the parents name in the way Mayachel suggested (underneath your names so that your names are still the primary ones) and be done with it? I''m all about not making things harder on yourself than they have to be when it comes to wedding stuff.

Good luck with this situation!

 

[meresal]

Have you already ordered the invites? I''m assuming that you have...

I don''t agree with his arguement for two main reasons:

1) "They won''t know your names":
- If they aren''t close enough to know that his son is getting married, and aren''t even expecting an invite, then I don''t think you can really consider these people. It is your FIL''s job to let his "friends" know that they should be expecting an invitation.

2) "Presentable to ''their'' friends":
- If they want to please their friends then they should throw you a party, or better yet, throw their own party. You have done nothing to "offend" anyone by not putting their names on your invitation, IMO.

To me, it is absurd that he is not iviting his friends because HIS name is not on an invitation to YOUR wedding.

 

[choro72]

Oh havernall, I wish we could redo it! I didn''t know he would react this way, or even thought about it. I don''t care who''s paying for the wedding; the invitation can be worded any way that pleases the person who actually cares about those things.

My sister is hand making the invitations for us. She has printed everything, arranged all the strips of colored paper and boarders.
His dad wanted to address their friend''s invitations in Chinese, but they assured that the invitation wording can be identical to the ones we''ve made already, but I guess he assumed that their names are going to be printed so he didn''t bother to check.
Only after we told him that my sister is nearly ready to hand them over, his dad asked what the wording was and we told him. Then he yelled at FI, and hung up.

This isn''t the kind of battle we want to be having with his dad, but since the wording is part of the inner envelope, my sister would have to redo FI''s dad''s share from scratch if we change the wording. There is no way I''m asking my sister to do that at this point, even if it''s only for his dad''s share.
She has spent so much time and money on them already. We didn''t even come up with the design ourselves. She has gone above and beyond what we expected, and poured her soul and energy for us. She kept us updated with the designs, created pretty maps, using special fonts, cutting strips around boarders...She was excited that they''re almost done, and she couldn''t wait to mail them off. It would break her heart to ask her to go back to square one.

I''ve talked to my mom. She suggested that we give him the invitations anyway, and very nicely say "I''m sorry, but we are unfamiliar with the Chinese wording. Here is your share; please feel free to insert a separate a sheet in Chinese for your friends."
Of course being computer illiterate he wouldn''t know how to go about it.

mayachel, thank you for the suggestion. I''ll talk about it with FI. FI doesn''t care to please his parents anymore, but I may print out sheets with that wording, and stick it in there. There will be 2 invitations in the envelope, but oh well. Argh, I don''t have time for this...I need to graduate...Grumble grumble...

Thanks for listening.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 12/15/2009 4:25:39 PM
Author:choro72
I''m not asking about the grammar. When you read the following sentence, does it offend you? The bride and groom pays for all main guests, which includes family and friends.
Groom''s parents pay for their friends that the couple don''t know (or want).

Together with their parents,
Bride''s name
and
Groom''s name
joyfully request
the pleasure of your company
at their marriage ceremony

I think that is what we will be doing, or something of the sort. i personally like the way it sounds.

 

[havernell]

Date: 12/15/2009 7:41:49 PM
Author: choro72
Oh havernall, I wish we could redo it! I didn't know he would react this way, or even thought about it. I don't care who's paying for the wedding; the invitation can be worded any way that pleases the person who actually cares about those things.

Ah, I didn't realize that the invitations were already made! I thought you still had time to change the wording.

In that case, I think you are right to not bow to the pressure to re-do the invitations since it would be a big inconvenience to your sister. Like you said, if your fiance's parents want to include the parent names on the Chinese translations, they can do so. I think that's the best solution at this stage. Hopefully, telling his parents that your wording is a perfectly acceptable and common form for invitations in this day and age will take some of the pressure off. You can even find some invitation company websites that have examples of invitations that use your wording as proof if you want. Plus, if your FIL's friends want to know who's son the invitation is for, tell your in-laws to put their return address on the outer envelopes- that will clue people in to who the invitation in linked to.

Anyway, so sorry that you have to go through all this headache about something small like invitation wording! Weddings sure do bring out the crazy and unreasonable in people. Hugs!

 

[cleokizzy]

i'm filipino and i can tell that we HAVE to put both our parents name's on the invite whether or not they have a monetary contribution to our wedding. it has traditionally been that way at home and it is a must that both parents be honored (and mentioned) on the invite.

i so wanted to do just the "with our parents" to be different until my good, older girl friend did NOT attend his son's wedding because HER name was not mentioned in the invite!!! (might sound extreme but she's very traditional)

correct me if i'm wrong but chinese people are also big with tradition and customs. so sorry to point this out but.... maybe that is why FIL reacted that way? that the parents was not honored/mentioned in the invitation?

EDITED: i just finished reading the other responses. imho, do NOT just give the invite to FIL and tell him (even if it's in a nice way) that he could do & insert the chinese translation himself! that's WWIII if you want that to happen. a lot of older, traditional people will take it as more disrespect to them.

 

[tlh]

No I wouldn''t be offended. There is A LOT to the wedding.

My grandmother paid for the ice sculpture at our wedding, as a ''surprise'' gift to me - but I didn''t include her on the invite - because she wasn''t really paying for the wedding. Sure she made a contribution which I acknowledged by a thank you card... not on the invites.

 

[caribqueen]

I hope everything works out and there''s no use in going back now. I found a couple more examples of how to write everyone''s name, but it''s water under the bridge now.

My cultural background is the same way with parents names. Though my parents are paying for most, they insisted that we put FI''s mother''s name on the invitations. It will simply help his side recognize her name and know who''s wedding in case they''re not familiar with my FI and his name alone.

 

[choro72]

Thank you everyone. cleo, yes, they are very traditional. They expect us to be traditional, but since they have never taught FI the traditional manners, we really didn't know what was required from us. Thanks for the warning. If we redo the invitation, we would insert an extra sheets of invitation ourselves to keep my sister from doing more work.

Now FI's mom implied (dad's still giving us the silent treatment, and you know how parents only imply) about having a 3rd wedding which they will throw, and it will be done completely dad's way. I would very much like to avoid a 3rd wedding. I'm too stressed about this, even only to show up. FI told them that we will insert a special invitation for them, but they aren't listening.

caribqueen, that was very smart of you to check with them. We should have insisted that FI's parents look at the wording, even if they said that they didn't need to. Although I doubt your parents would have overreacted like FI's dad had.

Arg, I really don't have time to do extra sheets, but if we can avoid a 3rd wedding it will be worth it. However, there may be other things they can't agree with, and in that case a 3rd wedding will be unavoidable.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:18:08 PM
Author: choro72
Thank you everyone. cleo, yes, they are very traditional. They expect us to be traditional, but since they have never taught FI the traditional manners, we really didn't know what was required from us. Thanks for the warning. If we redo the invitation, we would insert an extra sheets of invitation ourselves to keep my sister from doing more work.

Now FI's mom implied (dad's still giving us the silent treatment, and you know how parents only imply) about having a 3rd wedding which they will throw, and it will be done completely dad's way. I would very much like to avoid a 3rd wedding. I'm too stressed about this, even only to show up. FI told them that we will insert a special invitation for them, but they aren't listening.

caribqueen, that was very smart of you to check with them. We should have insisted that FI's parents look at the wording, even if they said that they didn't need to. Although I doubt your parents would have overreacted like FI's dad had.

Arg, I really don't have time to do extra sheets, but if we can avoid a 3rd wedding it will be worth it. However, there may be other things they can't agree with, and in that case a 3rd wedding will be unavoidable.

I know you don't want to do it, but this really is the best option. If they want a party thrown their way, then they should do it themselves. It's jsut a shame that they couldn't have spoken up a bit earlier.

It doesn't sound like they are too keen on the idea of the 3rd sheet, IMO.

I'm sorry to hear about FFIL's silent treatment. That just isn't fair.