OCD

[YadaYadaYada]

Hey, guess what.
I am a cuticle picker, too. I have been known to peel the skin right down to the first joint. I think you know what I am talking about here.

It is such a burden isn’t it? When I used to work I had to type all day and my fingers would literally throb sometimes. Who wants to be in pain like that but you can’t stop so it’s just a vicious cycle.

 

[AprilBaby]

I am also a skin picker. Sometimes my cuticles look like I‘ve been thru a chopper. I solved that by doing gel polish and rubbing the nails. Now the salons are closed it’s harder. I also get repetitive songs in between my ears that drive me crazy. Now I’m starting to count my breathes. I feel sometimes like I’m going crazy. I read myo inositol can help so I tried. I’m not sure if it works or I just think it helps. The downside is I hate taking pills and it’s 4 large pills. Some days I can’t face it.

 

[stracci2000]

It is such a burden isn’t it? When I used to work I had to type all day and my fingers would literally throb sometimes. Who wants to be in pain like that but you can’t stop so it’s just a vicious cycle.

I go through waves on this behavior, too.
When the weather gets cold and my hands get dry, the dry cuticle skin is very tempting. And so I have to restrain myself.
Painting my nails helps me keep focused, and I am less likely to pick the skin.
I commiserate with you!

 

[missy]

Hugs to all of you. @stracci2000 @YadaYadaYada @AprilBaby and anyone else who needs it. You guys rock. XO

 

[LLJsmom]

OMG. I feel anxious reading this thread. I am glad people can share. I will bow out for now because I exhibit too many of these what my mom called "bad habits".

 

[stracci2000]

Hugs to all of you. @stracci2000 @YadaYadaYada @AprilBaby and anyone else who needs it. You guys rock. XO ❤

We are divulging all our deep dark secrets today

 

[missy]

We are divulging all our deep dark secrets today

Hahaha I’ve have a head (see my wig thread lol) start on you guys
Pun intended.

 

[House Cat]

when I was a kid, I pulled out all of my eyelashes. I bite my nails til they bleed. I also used to pick my skin. I have happy and sad numbers. Until I went on psych meds, I had to eat my food in a specific order. I remember the day I realized no one would die if I didn’t. I also remember the day I had that same realization if I didn’t buy the yellow sponge with the green scrubbing top.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. It helps me to know that I’m not alone. Your bravery means a lot to me.

 

[stracci2000]

when I was a kid, I pulled out all of my eyelashes

I completely understand! I did this early on, too. My Mom was freaking out. Lots of her yelling and me crying.
For some reason my interest changed to the hair on my head.

 

[stracci2000]

when I was a kid, I pulled out all of my eyelashes. I bite my nails til they bleed. I also used to pick my skin. I have happy and sad numbers. Until I went on psych meds, I had to eat my food in a specific order. I remember the day I realized no one would die if I didn’t. I also remember the day I had that same realization if I didn’t buy the yellow sponge with the green scrubbing top.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. It helps me to know that I’m not alone. Your bravery means a lot to me.

I really understand.
As a little kid suffering from these compulsions, there was no way I was able to help myself or stop. All I could do was hope my mother wouldn't notice. I wasn't mature enough to step back and see what I was doing, and realize that it was destructive. I knew I would get yelled at, and I didn't want to make my Mom mad, but I couldn't stop.

As we age, we can better see that these behaviors are irrational and we can recognize that they are destructive, but we still cant make sense of them.
We can only resist a little. The self-hatred is crushing.

Finally understanding that I had a recognized OCD, is when I was able to get a grip, and help myself. I'm not cured, just more aware.

 

[MamaBear]

@missy, just about every runner I know does this. We check our GPS watches and keep running until we hit an even number. It's not uncommon to see a runner run back and forth in front of their home just trying to hit that even number. I suppose we all have at least a little OCD.

*I’ve been known to do this...!!!

 

[Smith3]

I wish I could get a better grip, like @House Cat said people throw it around to much, as a child my hands would bleed because I would scrub them and I couldn’t touch anything without washing them, I used napkins or Kleenex to open doors or touch remotes(this lasted most of my childhood)The amount of anxiety and stress I felt then was so intense and Disabling. In the 90’s this stuff wasn’t talked about and we didn’t have money and my mom was anti-medicine and anti-mental health, due to ignorance. I thought I grew out of it but it switch to me being ocd with food which people thought maybe I had an eating disorder. But it wasn’t, it was ocd. Certain food at certain times or I wouldn’t and couldn’t eat.I was trying to lose weight but my ocd took over (size 18/16- size4). At 20 after being assaulted it amped up counting and obsessing along with my food control and hand washing, that I had to drink insane amounts to keep functioning. I stopped drinking got help at 25 Then my late 20’s another trauma happened and I became agoraphobic and wouldn’t leave the house and if I did it was only at certain times and certain paths, it’s no way to live.I realize I built my own cage that certain abusers help me build. But I couldn’t stop, realizing it wasn’t rational isn’t enough. I always knew it wasn’t , it’s the control I’m after and was after. I’ve lost years of my life, it got really really dark for me. I have it under better control but it’s still here doing what it does. It’s ingrained in the fabric of who I am at this point. I’ve never wrote this before or shared except with my Therapist because I always carried it around as my shame. Sorry if this was too much to share, but I never was open to talking or sharing like this before. I’m 35 now and I have been doing behavioral therapy for it since 31.

 

[stracci2000]

I’ve never wrote this before or shared except with my Therapist because I always carried it around as my shame. Sorry if this was too much to share, but I never was open to talking or sharing like this before.

Thank you for sharing. I was hesitant to post about trichotillomania, but it's the truth about my experience. Only my close family members ever knew about this until I posted yesterday.
This is your truth. Its OK to talk about these things. It helps other people who may be in denial.

 

[Smith3]

Thank you for sharing. I was hesitant to post about trichotillomania, but it's the truth about my experience. Only my close family members ever knew about this until I posted yesterday.
This is your truth. Its OK to talk about these things. It helps other people who may be in denial.

Thank you, it’s scary putting it out there. Thanks for sharing your story it made me more open to sharing mine. I’ve learned from this thread as I never knew the link of ptsd with ocd, it makes so much sense.

 

[stracci2000]

I also get repetitive songs in between my ears that drive me crazy.

I get this sometimes, too. It will be a stupid jingle from a commercial or some other thing that I recently heard.
When this starts happening to me, I immediately replace it with one of my favorite songs. I keep doing this until my favorite song plays instead of the annoying one.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Wow @Smith3, you’ve been through a lot, at least you have been able to get yourself help, that can be so hard, it is so hard to get the motivation and resources when you are knee deep in it.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I hope you guys don’t mind me sharing something, I really don’t have another outlet to say this.

I think my OCD will always be a serious battle and it upsets me that growing up nobody cared to get me help, even when my mom died nobody ever thought that eight year old Stephanie might need someone to talk to. Instead I had to deal with my feelings alone, no child should have to deal with the loss of a mother alone.

To make matters worse I have two brothers that don’t even care that I exist and although I don’t say anything, it really bothers me. I never did anything to them and they just act like they don’t have a sister. You know how awful it is to have brothers, aunts,uncles, cousins that just forget you exist? It’s like you have a big hole that you live with because nothing will ever fill it up.

Anyways my OCD brings me some kind of comfort as sick as that may be. Maybe if my childhood wasn’t so messed up and I had a family that actually cared I wouldn’t have to live with this.

Thanks for listening.

 

[stracci2000]

I hope you guys don’t mind me sharing something, I really don’t have another outlet to say this.

I think my OCD will always be a serious battle and it upsets me that growing up nobody cared to get me help, even when my mom died nobody ever thought that eight year old Stephanie might need someone to talk to. Instead I had to deal with my feelings alone, no child should have to deal with the loss of a mother alone.

To make matters worse I have two brothers that don’t even care that I exist and although I don’t say anything, it really bothers me. I never did anything to them and they just act like they don’t have a sister. You know how awful it is to have brothers, aunts,uncles, cousins that just forget you exist? It’s like you have a big hole that you live with because nothing will ever fill it up.

Anyways my OCD brings me some kind of comfort as sick as that may be. Maybe if my childhood wasn’t so messed up and I had a family that actually cared I wouldn’t have to live with this.

Thanks for listening.

Impulse control disorders help sooth us because it involves a ritual.
This repetitive ritual, in my experience is trance-like. When I pulled my hair, it was almost without consciousness. Then, when you snap out of it, and you see the damage you've done, it is too late.

So maybe the OCD behavior is a kind of escape. It's no wonder so many of us have developed it, perhaps brought on by some trauma.
Did you pick your fingers before you lost your Mom? Or did it develop after?
I think my OCD was hereditary. Just last night, I read some newer articles where now they say trichotillomania can run in families, as I had always suspected.

Either way, it somehow soothes and takes us to another place, so to speak.

About family, my sister is now ghosting me because she no longer speaks to our parents, but I do. So I guess she doesn't want to communicate with me now either. Even though we've never had any problems before. So be it.

I'm not surprised that so many of us suffer from OCD. I think it is all more common than we all think. People just don't want to talk about it.
Personally, I feel so much better that I confessed all this yesterday. I feel a huge weight has been lifted from me.
Stay strong, Steph.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@stracci2000 I started picking before my mom died, our household was chaotic and scary. Constant fighting, physical and verbal, alcoholism....just a damn mess. I actually remember standing in the bedroom while my parents were fighting and saying to myself that someday I would make my own family and it will be better than this. I was young, possibly under six but I remember this clear as day.

That’s too bad about your sister, maybe she will come around in time, you never know. I’m also glad you were able to share and get this off your chest, it takes a lot of bravery to be vulnerable.

This thread has to be one of the most important and courageous threads started this year.

 

[Smith3]

@YadaYadaYada I’m so lucky to afford the help I need, everyday I’m grateful. I know it’s sounds cheesy but I didn’t grow up or have those resources til much later in life so I never take it for granted. What you went through is too much for any adult let alone any child. I understand what you mean that ocd brings comfort because it’s something you can control in uncontrollable situations. Thanks for sharing your story

 

[LemonMoonLex]

Never officially diagnosed but I have things that I have to do or else I can't relax that I feel like is revolved around my safety or around social embarrassment but it doesn't make sense when I explain to someone what im doing. Even if I'm alone in a room if I don't do these things I feel like something bad or embarrassing will happen to me and it'll somehow be broadcast to the world. I also hate to be looked at and hate crowds. It's ironic because I look quite different than most people - think alienesque & people do look at me.

It also interferes with my life as It takes minutes out of my day and even when I don't want to do them I have to.

A few of them:
- at night I have to look over my shoulder before I open my bedroom door or I feel as though I'll be kidnapped or cursed.
- after getting out of my car even though I honk it and know it's locked I have to go around and pull all 4 doors.
- at night before I sleep and right after I look over my shoulder and hurry in our bedroom I have to lock our bedroom door and hold it while I count to 8 audibly so I know it's locked and didn't change on me
- before going to sleep the last thing I have to do is pee or I worry that I will wet the bed even though I don't think I ever have in my life. This doesn't sound bad but it gets annoying with kids and a partner because I'm always needed so I can end up touching a door or attending to my kid or saying something to my partner after I already went to the restroom but I have to go again and even though my bladders empty I make myself sit there until a drop comes out. The longer it takes the more worried I get that I'm not doing it right and that Im bound to pee in our bed. (Sorry if TMI)
- I also have a fear that if I tell my SO that I love him too much in one day that he will just up and stop loving me but this one I can get around as long as I say to him "Do I say it too much?" And he says no everytime.

There's more I know but those are the ones that others have made me aware of.

 

[stracci2000]

@stracci2000 I started picking before my mom died, our household was chaotic and scary. Constant fighting, physical and verbal, alcoholism....just a damn mess. I actually remember standing in the bedroom while my parents were fighting and saying to myself that someday I would make my own family and it will be better than this. I was young, possibly under six but I remember this clear as day.

That’s too bad about your sister, maybe she will come around in time, you never know. I’m also glad you were able to share and get this off your chest, it takes a lot of bravery to be vulnerable.

This thread has to be one of the most important and courageous threads started this year.

It sounds like the scary home situation was the catalyst for you.
As a little kid, your brain found a way to cope.
I get it, I really do.
And look how you've made a wonderful home for your husband, kids and all the pets! They are all so lucky to have you!
Will you adopt me? I think I would like living in your house.

 

[stracci2000]

Never officially diagnosed but I have things that I have to do or else I can't relax that I feel like is revolved around my safety or around social embarrassment but it doesn't make sense when I explain to someone what im doing. Even if I'm alone in a room if I don't do these things I feel like something bad or embarrassing will happen to me and it'll somehow be broadcast to the world. I also hate to be looked at and hate crowds. It's ironic because I look quite different than most people - think alienesque & people do look at me.

It also interferes with my life as It takes minutes out of my day and even when I don't want to do them I have to.

A few of them:
- at night I have to look over my shoulder before I open my bedroom door or I feel as though I'll be kidnapped or cursed.
- after getting out of my car even though I honk it and know it's locked I have to go around and pull all 4 doors.
- at night before I sleep and right after I look over my shoulder and hurry in our bedroom I have to lock our bedroom door and hold it while I count to 8 audibly so I know it's locked and didn't change on me
- before going to sleep the last thing I have to do is pee or I worry that I will wet the bed even though I don't think I ever have in my life. This doesn't sound bad but it gets annoying with kids and a partner because I'm always needed so I can end up touching a door or attending to my kid or saying something to my partner after I already went to the restroom but I have to go again and even though my bladders empty I make myself sit there until a drop comes out. The longer it takes the more worried I get that I'm not doing it right and that Im bound to pee in our bed. (Sorry if TMI)
- I also have a fear that if I tell my SO that I love him too much in one day that he will just up and stop loving me but this one I can get around as long as I say to him "Do I say it too much?" And he says no everytime.

There's more I know but those are the ones that others have made me aware of.

This sounds like a lot of pressure to maintain.
You are very brave and I hope that reading all of our stories makes you feel better and know that you are not alone! We all get it.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@stracci2000, you are too sweet, there is always room for you of course, it is a busy house much of the time. Just make sure you bring ALL the jewels with you so we can play dress-up

@TheGarnetGirl, my heart goes out to you, maybe with time it will get better, I found that to be true so hoping the same for you.

 

[LemonMoonLex]

@stracci2000 & @YadaYadaYada
You guys are so sweet & caring.
It's nice that others do get it.
It's a really weird and frustrating thing. I try to not think about it too much because for one it can make it worse but also because it makes me feel like a loon.

I think it stems from trauma but I'm not 100% sure as my dad for sure has it and my brother does as well.

While writing out all of these things can make it sound tiring and like it's alot - I still think It could be much much worse so I'm just thankful that it doesn't impose too much or that it doesn't take away my entire brain.

Love to anyone that is struggling with it like me all the way to struggles that are all consuming
You aren't alone like these beautiful ladies have said!

It's crazy how similar the group here is on PS, living different lives around the world...it blows my mind.
I guess our sparkles are our reprieve from the stresses that life can bring.

 

[House Cat]

Trauma and OCD

What's the relationship between the two?

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks for sharing that @House Cat, I find it interesting that sometimes the compulsions are not seemingly directly related to trauma. Like the guy and the battery acid, it actually is related but it manifests in a different way.

It makes a lot of sense that trauma could bring On OCD in susceptible people. Also there is a neurological component that could explain why you often see this in multiple family members, not something I would have thought of.

 

[House Cat]

I hope you guys don’t mind me sharing something, I really don’t have another outlet to say this.

I think my OCD will always be a serious battle and it upsets me that growing up nobody cared to get me help, even when my mom died nobody ever thought that eight year old Stephanie might need someone to talk to. Instead I had to deal with my feelings alone, no child should have to deal with the loss of a mother alone.

To make matters worse I have two brothers that don’t even care that I exist and although I don’t say anything, it really bothers me. I never did anything to them and they just act like they don’t have a sister. You know how awful it is to have brothers, aunts,uncles, cousins that just forget you exist? It’s like you have a big hole that you live with because nothing will ever fill it up.

Anyways my OCD brings me some kind of comfort as sick as that may be. Maybe if my childhood wasn’t so messed up and I had a family that actually cared I wouldn’t have to live with this.

Thanks for listening.

I’m so sorry that no one noticed what was happening with you when you were little. I can totally relate to your pain. I had alcoholic parents who never paid attention either. Sometimes, when I look back at the turmoil I was in and how no one paid attention, I wonder how I survived.

My 15 year old is going through a pretty serious depression and while being evaluated by the psychiatrist, she said she suspects OCD. My son has a gagging thing he does when he’s anxious and she said that’s a tic. She said tics come with OCD. Because my parents missed so much with me, I am hypervigilant with him. I’m so afraid he will be in the same turmoil I was in and that I will miss it. Any bump in the night and I’m in his room checking on him. If he’s in the shower too long, he is certainly dead. OCD has taken not wanting to be my parents to the extreme.

I can almost picture you (although I don’t know what you look like) promising yourself you will live differently when you are grown. From everything you’ve shared here, it looks like you did it. That’s a huge accomplishment. You have a lot to be proud of.

 

[House Cat]

Thanks for sharing that @House Cat, I find it interesting that sometimes the compulsions are not seemingly directly related to trauma. Like the guy and the battery acid, it actually is related but it manifests in a different way.

It makes a lot of sense that trauma could bring On OCD in susceptible people. Also there is a neurological component that could explain why you often see this in multiple family members, not something I would have thought of.

It’s a faulty way to self soothe....

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@House Cat, it is faulty and not productive for sure.

No doubt we could sit down for a coffee and have a lot in common discussing our childhoods. Our older son also has tics (gross motor and vocal tics) and he has had them from a young age. I also have a preoccupation with death, like if DH takes the kids out I worry that they will get into a crash and die nearly every single time. It never occurred to me this could be another manifestation.

It is a great thing to break the cycle for sure, DH and I are not perfect, Lord knows we have had our problems but our kids didn’t suffer or end up neglected for them.

I have no doubt that you do the best you can for your son, even if it is an extreme way, at least our kids won’t grow up like we did and still suffer years later like us.