nowadays...what are the basic wedding rules?

[VRBeauty]

long ago in another time but in this country the bride's family paid for all things wedding EXCEPT the groom and his family paid for the honeymoon........start saving , DF!

not so fast!! ...

the traditional Chinese rule...the groom's parent pays for everything...

I don't think you get to import the etiquette rules, dear.

 

[4ever]

I got married a couple of weeks ago and we had no expectations at all going into it that either of our parents would contribute. However soon into planning my parents very politely let us know that they would be offended if we didn't allow them to pay for the wedding. We compromised and they ended up paying for all of the reception, the photography, transport etc and we covered things like our attire, our attendants attire, our accommodation, rings and a few more items which I deemed not be a necessity so I couldn't bring myself to let my parents pay.

DH's parents payed for their flights from the UK to new Zealand for the wedding and gave us a generous cash gift but did not contribute to the wedding. They did offer but we declined.

 

[Supers]

long ago in another time but in this country the bride's family paid for all things wedding EXCEPT the groom and his family paid for the honeymoon........start saving , DF!

not so fast!! ...

the traditional Chinese rule...the groom's parent pays for everything...

Yep -traditional Chinese - groom pays not bride

But these days, whatever goes really!

 

[zoebartlett]

My parents, my husband's parents, my husband, and I all paid for our wedding. My husband's parents gave us a check that we could use however we wanted to, so we rolled that amount into what my husband and I put towards the big day. My parents paid the majority of the expenses though.

 

[Pandora II]

I expected that my father would pay for my wedding - he opened a savings account the week I was born for that purpose and he has paid for my sister's and will pay for my other sister if and when she gets married. He did not pay for my brother's. My father is very old fashioned over these things.

My parents did want a decent number of places on the guest list, but I have known these people all my life and would have invited most of them anyway, otherwise they were extremely hands off and let me decide everything - I did pay for those things I thought were a little extravagant and I also DIY's the flowers, cake, BM dresses, all stationery except invitations and a lot of other things.

We also paid for the things that the groom is traditionally responsible for: the rings, the license, his clothes etc



We have an almost 3-year old daughter and if and when she gets married we will totally pay for her wedding. It will give us enormous pleasure to do so how ever old she is (well if she's 70 then we may not be around but...)

 

[Magpie09]

SO are budgeting to cover all costs for our wedding. I think my parents and the future in-laws may offer to cover some costs but I would feel guilty to ask them to pay for such a big expense when they have their own living costs to deal with, KWIM. If they offer I might ask them to cover the flowers or cake so they feel like they're contributing.

 

[chemgirl]

My parents made it clear that when they were done paying for my education that was it, I was cut off! That means no help with the wedding, no moving expenses, no car, no house downpayment, no nothing. They did however give us a very very generous wedding gift that more than covered out honeymoon and all new kitchen stuff. After the fact they said they didn't want to give it to us before the wedding because they wanted us to plan a wedding that we could afford and use their gift to treat ourselves.

Now the inlaws are another story. 6 months of satellite radio from them and that's it. Yep, they gave us the same present as our VW dealer. Not that they have to contribute, but the way they bragged to all of the other guests made people assume that they contributed...at least more than $60.

ETA: Of the six weddings I attended last year, one was payed for by the parents. I believe the parents contributed towards the wedding in one other case, the rest payed for it all themselves. My friends and I are in our late twenties so I think that might have something to do with it.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

My wedding, while large in number is going to be low cost due to my 'wants'. My parents, FI's parents and I will be contributing to the wedding. More importantly to me though is the work that everyone is putting in to make our day special. Both my Mom and FI's Mom are doing the catering (along with an Aunt of mine), FI and future FIL will be sprucing up the farm (we're getting married at the future in-laws house) and will be making wedding signs. My parents are contributing the most funding, however I think that FI's parents want to give more. I don't want extravagant and will probably have a total of under $7k for around 175 people. It's one day and I surely cannot justify spending a ton of money, regardless of who is spending it.

 

[stargurl78]

My parents gave us a generous lump sum and DH's parents also gave us a lump sum. Together they covered about 75% of the cost of the wedding and we were very grateful for this but definitely didn't expect it. We paid the rest of the costs but the gifts we received covered the amount we contributed plus the cost of our honeymoon.

 

[Maisie]

We are paying for the honeymoon. We did offer to pay for more but the bride's mother got the bum ache and they said no. Even though her family aren't paying for anything so its falling to my son and his fiancee to pay for all of it.

 

[vc10um]

My parents told my sisters and I that they were giving us each a certain amount of money that we could use to help pay for a wedding or just get when we so chose. We used that sum to pay for around half of our (not extravagant) wedding and we paid for the other half. We didn't expect it and found it extraordinarily generous of my parents.

This is exactly what my mother did. I've known since I was in high school that my mother set aside a lump sum for both myself and my sister to pay for our weddings. I managed to plan the wedding and reception itself within this budget, not including rings (which we wanted to purchase ourselves) our transportation to/from the wedding and all our planning meetings, and our lodging for the wedding and planning. We payed for our honeymoon ourselves. DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner as our wedding gift.

Oh, and my mother also paid for my dress as a gift. I had a lump sum budget for that as well and came in significantly under it, so she also paid for my shoes.

I intend to do the same thing for all of our children.

 

[Pandora II]

Was going to add that the vast majority of weddings I attend (most couples in their early-mid 30's) have been paid for by the bride's parents.

My parents didn't buy any of us cars or give deposits for houses etc, they did pay for private school fees and some money towards living costs at university (until a few years ago University was free in the UK). A lump sum instead of the wedding was not on offer.

We will almost certainly only have one child and we will pay for her education, probably her university fees and definitely put her on the bottom rung of the property ladder if we can afford it, but she won't be getting an allowance, or a car or fancy holidays - for those she can get a holiday job!

 

[QueenB29]

My parents paid for my wedding....I didn't ask though. About a month after I got engaged my mom said 'Here's the budget.' It never occurred to her that they wouldn't pay for it. And....we totally blew the budget, but most of it was due to things my mom wanted to pay extra for. She didn't want to look like she and my father scrimped for our 45 guests. My in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. And because I'm sort of the favorite niece and this was the first family wedding in well over a decade, my aunt and uncle (who are my godparents) generously paid for the alcohol for the wedding and my other aunt and uncle (who have no kids) paid for most of the post-wedding brunch. (My parents paid the rest.) DH and I paid for a few little things here and there and our honeymoon. Oh, and we bought everyone VERY nice thank-you presents.

My brother is getting married this Saturday, and my parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner, and the bride's parents are paying for the wedding. They're paying for the post-wedding brunch themselves, but knowing my family, I'm pretty sure someone (or several someones) will slip them a few hundred at the brunch to help cover it.

DH's sister and her husband paid for their mini-destination wedding themselves and paid for their parents' travel costs. I'm pretty sure my ILs gave them a large check at some point, but they didn't use it for the wedding. They're the only ones I know who paid for their own wedding though....for all of my friends, the parents paid.

Oh, DH and I were in our mid-twenties, and my brother is 29 and my new SIL is in her early thirties. SIL and BIL were in their mid-to-late twenties.

ETA....all with good jobs.

 

[rosetta]

My parents and in laws paid for the whole thing. I had a fantastic wedding (in fact I had three days of ceremonies and receptions)

If our parents couldn't afford it, or didn't want to pay for it, I wouldnt have had any problem with it. But, they wouldnt hear otherwise, and were sooooooo happy that their 30 years + children finally got hitched, they wouldve hosted a party on the moon had we asked for it

In the days when the father of the bride is no longer automatically expected to foot the bill, we were overwhelmingly touched by the generosity of our parents. It definitely wasn't an assumption that they would do what they did!

 

[atp223]

I am recently engaged and planning a wedding for next spring. My parents have always said they would pay for the wedding, and gave us a pretty firm (but very generous) budget, with the "expectation" (read: threat) that FH and I have to pay for anything over-budget. Thus, I'm very motivated to stay under budget! FH's parents have generously offered to cover the rehearsal dinner and the liquor, so I think we should be ok.

I would feel bad if the guest list were mostly my/our friends, but my parents each have a huge family and are inviting around 110 people, FH's parents are inviting 70, and combined, FH and I are inviting around 40-50 friends including their SOs when applicable. So if we chose 20% of the guests and got stuck with 100% of the bill, I would have been upset. Weddings are expensive!

I did, however, want an eternity band with 15 pointers as my wedding ring and a fairly expensive wedding dress, so I paid for the wedding ring myself and am paying for the excess cost of the dress over what my mom thought was appropriate to spend. I also paid for my silver glitter Christian Louboutin wedding shoes. I guess I'm financially contributing to the wedding-related purchases I know are ridiculous and unnecessary .

 

[MsP]

. Plus, I like thing my way-- so I didn't want anyone to feel that by paying they got a say in my choices, so I was happy paying for the peace that gave me.

THIS.

My parents paid for my sister's wedding several years ago and I will likely not accept when I marry.

I know that in my family no gift is truly string free.

 

[Aoife]

. Plus, I like thing my way-- so I didn't want anyone to feel that by paying they got a say in my choices, so I was happy paying for the peace that gave me.

THIS.

My parents paid for my sister's wedding several years ago and I will likely not accept when I marry.

I know that in my family no gift is truly string free.

I think that family dynamics play a big part in this. With our daughters, my husband and I set a budget, and then for each wedding, our daughters and their fiances made the rest of the decisions. If you come from a family where money is the currency of power, I can see where accepting money from parents would be a royal headache, and under those circumstances, I wouldn't do it myself. In our case, and in the case of most of the families we know, that's just not how it works.

The only time I had a very strong opinion was when one of our daughters wanted to ask a favorite cousin to be a bridesmaid, but didn't want to have her other cousin in her wedding because cousin #2 is a pain in the rear. She ended up asking both of them, which was the right thing to do, but she wouldn't have if we hadn't made clear that the cousins (from different families) were a package deal. And I would have made my opinion known on that one whether my DH and I were paying for the wedding or not.

 

[rosetta]

I wouldn't have accepted a cent if it came with strings attached. Sure, my parents wanted some od their friends invited, but I was more than happy to have them there, they watched me grow up and my parents knew some of them for over three decades. I was actually touched that they all came, and my parents were so happy. We could afford to accommodate them, so why not? They wouldn't have insisted had I said no.



Using money as a form of wielding power is like holding a red rag to a bull for me. No way, no how.

 

[junebug17]

I just realized I didn't really answer the question! I don't really think there are any rules anymore, so to speak. Weddings are expensive and I would think most "kids" would know if their parents could afford to pay for an entire wedding and wouldn't expect it if they knew their parents just couldn't swing it. That was my situation when I got married. My parents didn't have the funds to pay for an entire wedding, so my parents paid for their guests and we covered the rest. I guess in some situations a couple might expect parents to help out if they knew they had the ability to do so. I think it varies from situation to situation and depends on finances, the couples' relationship with parents, family dynamics, control issues, etc.

 

[distracts]

My parents and fiance were originally going to be splitting about 50/50, including the rehearsal dinner (my parents) and honeymoon (him). This was based on a set expectation of them each wanting to spend X amount of money. However, after we got engaged, a bunch of my mother's friends' daughters and some of my cousins got engaged and married (Fiance and I have already been engaged over a year, with another year to go until the wedding), and their weddings all cost Y-Z, so now my parents are putting in A LOT more money because "Y-Z is how much a wedding costs." We don't mind because a) my parents certainly have the money to spend, and b) my parents don't think paying for it means they have control over our wedding.

I just got done with college and really have no money to speak of, otherwise I would contribute. Obviously when I find gainful employment, I will be contributing what I can out of my salary, but it is not something we are counting on to get the thing paid for. His parents will not be contributing because they do not get along very well. They will be showing up at the wedding, but not doing more than that.

I also think it depends on the ages of the bride and groom. I am in my mid-twenties, my fiance in his mid-thirties. I do not have the financial means to pay for a wedding (and I was all for getting hitched at the courthouse, lol). My fiance does. Most of the people I know in their twenties who have gotten married have had their parents pay for all or an extremely significant portion of it. Most of the people I know who have gotten married in their thirties have paid for most of it themselves, with their parents picking up either some, none, or participating by taking an active role in the planning process.

Personally I did not expect my parents to pick up the tab, though it was a pretty good bet they would since it is what my aunts/uncles have done and what their friends have done. I also don't see how it is tacky to ask them if they will be contributing? How else would I know? It would be tacky to demand it, but I don't see how saying, "hey, I was wondering if you will be contributing any money to our wedding?" is bad? They can always say no, right? Though I guess this is different if your family is not wealthy and they may HAVE to say no because they don't have the money, which could make them feel bad. But I think in that case they may feel just as bad for not having offered anyway? I dunno. I guess it depends on the people involved. Cue Kenny's favorite phrase in 3... 2... 1...

 

[Dancing Fire]

My parents and in laws paid for the whole thing. I had a fantastic wedding (in fact I had three days of ceremonies and receptions)

If our parents couldn't afford it, or didn't want to pay for it, I wouldnt have had any problem with it. But, they wouldnt hear otherwise, and were sooooooo happy that their 30 years + children finally got hitched, they wouldve hosted a party on the moon had we asked for it

In the days when the father of the bride is no longer automatically expected to foot the bill, we were overwhelmingly touched by the generosity of our parents. It definitely wasn't an assumption that they would do what they did!

yes,i remember the $100K wedding...

 

[gem_anemone]

We did not expect any help although we are not turning down any that is offered. My parents are paying 8%, we're paying the rest. FI's parents haven't offered any money. Although we are struggling a little we're doing the best we can to have a decent wedding with the budget we have. We consider it to be an investment in our future, but we are not trying to have a ton of debt after the wedding.

 

[star sparkle]

When I get married, FH and I fully expect to pay for the entire thing ourselves and have no expectations that any of our parents will pay any part of it. If they were to offer, I would probably refuse. FH and I are both grown adults with good jobs, we can pay for *our* wedding ourselves. I have a sneaking suspicion that FMIL might insist on contributing SOMETHING, though, and if that's the case I might tell her she can contribute to the honeymoon if she so chooses.

 

[swingirl]

We'll pay for my DD's wedding IF we are done paying off the student loans (the ParentPlus loans that we got sucked into taking)!!!

 

[HollyS]

do kids expect their parents to pick up the tab?

Some do.
Some don't.
Kids vary.

It's a darn good thing there is so much variety in life, isn't there? Although, for a while, there wasn't much variance in this tag line of yours. Glad to see you can change things up from "People vary."

 

[partgypsy]

Most couples I've seen it seems to be the expectation that the bride's parents contribute to the wedding (and reception). The groom's parent's pay for the rehearsal dinner or some other part of the festivities.

As I was the bride and knew my parents did not have money for a wedding, and I was putting myself through graduate school we eloped. I thought I was doing them a favor but it hurt my Dad's feelings. A few months after we were married my Dad put together a reception for just the immediate family on both sides (15? people) which was sweet.

 

[perry]

This kid paid 100% of everything.... Now I need to find the time to sort throught the pictures and post some; but, its been busy.

Perry

 

[LJL]

Clearly there are different ideas of what is appropriate or what "goes"

I am not married or even engaged, but my parents have made it clear what they will be paying for: They are divorced so they plan on each paying half of what is traditionally thought of as the bride's share, with the exclusion of liquor which will be sponsored each hour by a different family member, and then whatever the grooms family pays (which for a recent wedding in SO's family was the rehearsal dinner and a bunch of other random stuff). My family is traditional in that the bride pays for most of the wedding. Both of our families will be happy to help us in whatever way they can, especially since they know we are major deal-shoppers and don't like to splurge. I also don't expect it to come with many strings. I am very strong-willed and my wedding will be far from my hometown, so that will help with weeding out guests. SO has a big family which will all come (around 100? and I'm fine with that), I only have ~10 people from my family/back home that I could possibly want at my wedding, and we have about 40 mutual friends that we would invite. I think my parents (and SO's parents) know that if I am paying for the wedding, there won't be many invitees. There are only about five people I could be bothered to pay for coming to my (hypothetical future) wedding.

Shrug I guess when your parents know that you would be just as happy with eloping, they know not to put conditions on paying.

ETA - SO and I have incredible student loans and have basically been living on our own dime since we turned 18. DK if that matters in the discussion.

 

[Kaleigh]

IDK, but all the ladies getting married around here, the parents pay. Grooms parents pay for the rehersal dinner.. I can't wait to help plan her special day... I want grand children!!!! She would kill me, but everyone one says that to them. When are you going to pop out some kids..

 

[Haven]

My parents paid for a 75% of our wedding. I didn't expect it because they didn't pay at all for my college education, so it was a very nice thing for them to do. Of course, they didn't offer to pay any money until after we discussed what DH and I wanted to do and it didn't fit their ideas of what our wedding should be, so they paid in part so they could gain some control. The good news is that DH and I didn't care enough to make a big deal about it, but we would have had a very different wedding (with a very different guest list) had we paid for it ourselves. We're grateful, but I do feel like it was sort of *their* wedding as much as ours.

I'm actually glad I paid for my own education. I was one of those kids who needed to pay for it to actually take it seriously. I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but it made me a much more serious student. My parents didn't have any money back then, anyway, so I knew I'd be on my own.