Not a lady in waiting, but need advice on a not so nice ex-gf!

[Thomperchik]

Excuse the spelling in advance, but I''m currently in a really boring training class and not suppose to do this. Short background, I met my b/f last year in October. We saw each other here and there, but didn''t take it any further until January. Previously to our relationship, he dated this girl on and off for about 6 years. Yes, that''s right, 6 years. At first I was really worried, but the more I got to know him and from what he and other people told me, they just weren''t a good match for each other. In February of this year. I had too much to drink, so I spent the night at his house and she was not aware that I was there. She showed up and made a show. She said things like, "how can you do this to me, i thought you didn''t want a girlfriend, this is so hard for me, ect." I geniunely (sp?) felt bad for her, because I understand break-ups are hard, even though she broke up with him. Its been hard becoming friends with some of his friend''s wife''s/girlfriend''s because they are friends with her and they give her information about us.

I have a facebook account as most people do and I post pictures of the things we do as a couple. I''m really happy with him, and this is the happiest I''ve been in a long time. I''m not going to stop my life, or not having my life shared with my friends to avoid having this girl''s feelings hurt because she stalks my facebook (even though it''s private). Fast forward to this past saturday... She again, show''s up drunk in the middle of the night on Saturday. She knows I''m there because my car is there. She made calls, sent him emails and texts between 2-3 am. Telling him that I was ugly, fat, he can do better, and all these really mean things about me. She even said she was really sick and that she really needed him. I told him to ask her if she was ok, but she continued to go off on him about me. I felt bad for Mr. Thomper since he didn''t know what to do, and technically it''s not his fault she''s reacting to her this way.

It obviously hurt my feelings, because no one likes to be called names by a psycho ex-girlfriend, but considering the circumstances, what should he do? She sent an email apologising the next day, but she did the same last time. I mean, how much longer do I have to tolerate that kind of behaviour?

Any advice will be openly accepted as always!

Thanks!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/28/2010 3:30:12 PM
Author:Thomperchik

It obviously hurt my feelings, because no one likes to be called names by a psycho ex-girlfriend, but considering the circumstances, what should he do? She sent an email apologising the next day, but she did the same last time. I mean, how much longer do I have to tolerate that kind of behaviour?

Any advice will be openly accepted as always!

Thanks!

Not one minute longer!

Thomper, what does Mr. Thomper do when his ex shows up at his house?

 

[Thomperchik]

Forgot to add that they broke-up last August and she''s 31, he''s 30 and I''m 24...

 

[damons]

I don’t think you have to do anything. She is his ex…he needs to deal with it. He needs to put his foot down and tell her that it is not okay for him to stop by unannounced and it is DEFINITELY not okay to say horrible things about you.

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 4/28/2010 3:34:12 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/28/2010 3:30:12 PM
Author:Thomperchik

It obviously hurt my feelings, because no one likes to be called names by a psycho ex-girlfriend, but considering the circumstances, what should he do? She sent an email apologising the next day, but she did the same last time. I mean, how much longer do I have to tolerate that kind of behaviour?

Any advice will be openly accepted as always!

Thanks!

Not one minute longer!

Thomper, what does Mr. Thomper do when his ex shows up at his house?

Well - the first time he had to talk to her into leaving his house.

The second time, he didn''t respond back to her. He asked me what to do and I didn''t know. I told him to ignore her!! Not sure if there''s a better solution to that?!

 

[CatLady]

Does he still talk to her, or give her any kind of sign that he still cares? Why did they break up? It''s hard to believe that a person would just be that unstable to show up uninvited and act like that ten months after a break up without him doing something to encourage it.

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 4/28/2010 3:41:44 PM
Author: CatLady
Does he still talk to her, or give her any kind of sign that he still cares? Why did they break up? It''s hard to believe that a person would just be that unstable to show up uninvited and act like that ten months after a break up without him doing something to encourage it.

He said they used to argue a lot. I guess at some point that''s all they did. He''s cordial with her and the previous week she asked for him to return to her the itouch she had gifted to him, which I thought was weird. So she said when he replied back, she had hopes it wasn''t working out with me... Not sure how she would gathered that, but I''m assuming since they used to date on and off, she assumed that would happened.

 

[CatLady]

Hmm. Sounds like he needs to tell her that he is with you now and that they need to cease all communication.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Whether or not he''s encouraging this behavior, he should be the one to stop it. You have every right to be annoyed because he hasn''t, especially when he knows how you feel about it. You don''t have to tolerate this.

 

[Prana]

Have a discussion with him regarding how this makes you feel, and ask him to put an end to it. Like, a final end, no more, police will be called if you show up again, end. This is involving him and her, and you are being dragged into it. If he cares for you, he will gladly stick up for you and stick to his guns.

 

[RaiKai]

Your SO needs to tell her in no uncertain terms is she to continue with this inappropriate contact. It would be one thing if they had wanted to continue a friendship and talked now and then in a friendly manner...but her showing up in the middle of the night and making critical remarks about YOU is completely unacceptable! My guess is that though she broke it off she still has a little bit of hope eventually they would end up together again (I experienced something a little less dramatic with an ex of mine and HIS ex who had ended things a year beforehand but he put an end to it quite quickly).

Neither you NOR he should be willing to accept that. Until (if ever) she can do that...he really needs to enforce a no-contact status with her. This is up to him to handle. If he cannot then either he needs to get a restraining order, or you need to decide whether you can continue a relationship in this situation (really, if it cannot be stopped this kind of thing can be quite toxic).

 

[fieryred33143]

You know what, she’s obsessed with him and even if he were to have a stern conversation with her about how he wants nothing to do with her, she will take that as a sign that he still wants to talk to her. Everything that she is doing is getting his attention in one way or another and she will continue to do it just to get his attention.

Obviously he can’t pick up and move but he needs to change his number and make sure this girl cannot contact him anymore. When she does contact him, he needs to not engage in any type of conversation. Even if she is calling you names, he needs to just ignore it. I wouldn’t even bother with an email/text/phone call to ask her to stop at this point. Just flat out ignore.

One of FI’s friends went through this. He and the girl dated for 2 years, he broke up with her and started dating someone else. She kept calling him, showing up at his house, showing up at his job, insulting the new girlfriend, and at one point wanted to fight the new girlfriend. She would call all of his friends, including my fiance, in the middle of the night to find out where he was. She called me at one point to ask if I had met the new girl and when I said I didn’t want to get involved, she accused me of taking the new girl’s side.

This went on for 2 years. Yes. 2 YEARS. Why? Because every time she called, he answered. Every time she sent a text, he responded. If she showed up at his house or job, he’d walk out there to tell her to leave. He finally stopped all communication with her. When she would show up at his house, he literally would sit in the house and not answer the door. She would be pounding, practically shaking the door, and he''d sit there until she went away. Probably not the most mature response but it got through to her because it has been at least 6 months since she has tried to communicate with him.

 

[HappyNewLife]

yikes! i ditto everyone else''s advice. He needs to not engage with her at all. Ignore.

THANK GOODNESS they don''t have kids together, YIKES!

 

[iota15]

Bf has to want to do it - but he has to tell her flat out, whether Thomperchik is in the picture or not, we are done. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind. He should consider spreading the same, simple message to his friends (who also appear to be her friends).

Once that message has been sent, all e-mails and text messages should be deleted without reading. All phone calls should be blocked, and when she uses another number and starts spewing, a simple "We are done and I am getting off the phone now" (click). And yes, no more answering doors... but expect things to escalate with the no contact before it gets better.

He shouldn't read any further e-mails, texts, phone calls, etc. because they will all be sent with the intention of getting his attention, and forcing him to respond. (ie. - I have some phony illness and I need you now at my deathbed; I thought you should know your gf was a sl*t in college and caught something (obviously not true), etc.) But she will say and write Anything and Everything to get him to respond. If he doesn't even look at the phony messages, he will not be tempted to respond to the crazy allegations and requests. (If she didn't get everything she needed back from his place since August 2009, I'm sure she doesn't really need it).

I understand BF has been with her for a long time, and probably isn't looking to hurt her unnecessarily. No contact may seem somewhat harsh to him, even though he has no intention of being with her again.

BUT, what he needs to understand is that they obviously have not had a clean break. Their past history of breaking up and getting back together, over and over again, has taught her that there might still be hope that it will be "on" again... despite the new girlfriend. It also sounds like he told her, he wasn't ready for a gf and then voila, he now has one.

Despite the fact she initiated the last breakup, BF was obviously not clear to her why Their relationship could not work, and was not working. In fact, it sounds like he squeaked out a "I'm not ready for anyone" plea, rather than tell her the truth - We, as a couple, do not work and I have no interest in continuing this further.

He needs to be clear now, for both ex-gf and your sake. Unless he makes ex-gf understand that no matter what, their relationship will never be "on" again - whether you are in the picture or not - she will not be able to move on. She will waste her life being the psycho doing drive-bys nightly around his house. As fiery's example shows, this could go on for Years! He needs to make the break clean now... Any contact, any indication of his attention will not help her move on. This is the most humane thing he can do for her (and you).

Her last barrage of text messages and phone calls also tells me she is escalating matters. And since she's already travelling down the rabbit hole of crazy, unless bf stops it now, it will only get crazier as she gets more desperate.

 

[Thomperchik]

Thank you ladies! You all made excellent points!

I talked to him last night and he said he called her back explaining how disrepectful she had been towards me and that he didn''t appreciate her behavior. He also told her not to do it again and if she feels bad to call her sister or best friend. I''m not quouting him, but that''s basically it. I hope she stays away though!!! I also told him if she made any other attempts to contact him, to completely ignore her! He was cute though, because he apologised for "his bagged!" hahah

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/28/2010 3:59:01 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Whether or not he''s encouraging this behavior, he should be the one to stop it. You have every right to be annoyed because he hasn''t, especially when he knows how you feel about it. You don''t have to tolerate this.

ditto HH. His ex-gf, his problem - but he needs to handle it for the sake of your relationship

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/29/2010 11:30:19 AM
Author: Thomperchik
Thank you ladies! You all made excellent points!

I talked to him last night and he said he called her back explaining how disrepectful she had been towards me and that he didn''t appreciate her behavior. He also told her not to do it again and if she feels bad to call her sister or best friend. I''m not quouting him, but that''s basically it. I hope she stays away though!!! I also told him if she made any other attempts to contact him, to completely ignore her! He was cute though, because he apologised for ''his bagged!'' hahah

Did he tell her to stop contacting him completely? Just curious, it''s not clear from your post (but I realize you said you weren''t "quoting him").

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I always remember the saying....you can''t reason with crazy...and I feel like this may just be one of those moments where all the words in the world won''t solve this issue.

Frankly, I''m all for maturity--when the situation warrants it. And I do believe that this issue is fundamentally rooted in your boyfriends actions and how he is countering these personal attacks on you. But, with that said, you need to get real serious about putting this bit*h in her place.

Okay...so she''s upset she got dumped. Who wouldn''t be? But, at 34 years of age, a sane person has the coping skills to put those feelings into being productive...she clearly doesn''t.

If I were you...and I''m just throwing this out there...I would fight low blow with low blow. I''d probably invest $15.00 into getting her the book "It''s Called A Breakup Because It''s Broken"...and I might even go so far as to highlight pertinent passages. I''d jot a little note on the front cover, something along of lines of "sorry you''re having a hard time dealing...hope this aids you in building a bridge to get over it"...and I''d covertly get her address. Mail it off.

Will that stop the harassment? Probably not. But stopping it isn''t within you power anyway...however, sometimes snarky little nonsense makes you feel better.

Either way, don''t just lay down and take it. She''s clearly nuts, and you''re not...use that to your advantage.