Newbie confused and desperate (sorry its long)

[gigglesmagoo]

Hey all! I recently found this site and have been fascinated with it ever since! You all are very supportive and nice and with my current situation I think I need an outsiders perspective. I won''t get into it in full detail because that would take an eternity for all of us here but here it goes.

I have been dating my bf for a little over 7 yrs. Im almost 25 and hes 28. We''ve def had our ups and downs but what couple hasnt. I really feel that we have grown and matured so much over the yrs and the problems we have had are because of our lack of maturity. We of course still have some growing to do though. That being said we have had a long distance relationship for a lot of the time. He joined the military,went to school and after he graduated almost a yr later still couldnt find a job. We lived together for about 6 months the whole time I was supporting us. He paid for his bills but everything else was all me. Which I didnt mind at all because I was happy to FINALLY have a normal relationship with him. I could see him everyday without driving 4hrs or taking off work every other weekend. Although I was estatic to have him to wake up to everyday I didn''t want to see that he was miserable. Not because he was with me but because he wasn''t contributing and viewed himself as a bum and felt worthless. Well about 3 months ago he got an offer to work in iraq as a contractor. I of course didn''t want to hear any of it because I was so sick of being away from him and couldnt stand the fact that he was even considering leaving me again. Well he took the job and needless to say I was crushed and selfishly couldnt understand why he needed to leave. It was rough for us for a few weeks and we talked about everything and decided to stay together while he was gone. He didnt want to break up but my thoughts were "how long do I have to wait for you?" I know its terrible but I couldnt help but feel that way considering I have supported him doing what he wanted for so many yrs. Just this once I wanted him to stay for me. Meanwhile I wasnt looking at the bigger picture that he would have money when he came back to put down on a house for us. Ok so he is over there for a yr and he gets to take leave for almost a month. We decided that he would come back in Aug so he could be here for my birthday and that we would take a vacation together. Just us. We''ve gone on quite a few together but always with other couples or friends. He also said that he was going to pay for this one (I really didnt want this because I dont like people spending money on me) but he insisted because I took him to the dominican for his graduation/bday present last summer. So I agreed and went along that he wanted everything to be a surprise. Awesome I get a wonderful surprise paid vaca with the guy I love! What could be better than that? Or so I thought.

For the past month my best friend has been acting somewhat strangely and bringing up rings,what I like etc. She just got engaged and knows absolutely nothing when it comes to diamonds (she didnt know that hers was a princess cut until I told her) Anyways I always thought that he would go to her if he ever decided to propose. Just a feeling I had and it turns out I was right. Well a couple of weeks ago our mutual friend got drunk and pretty much told me without telling me and also said that my best friend was finding out information for my bf on what I want. I was a little upset that I knew but quickly got over it and started "helping" my best friend tell him exactly what I want. Well I guess she caught on and told my bf that I might be checking his emails and that he should delete everything they talk about. 1. I hadnt checked his emails 2. Why on earth would she tell him that? So he of course gets mad thinking Ive been snooping and accuses me of checking his emails. We get into an arguement (online for gods sake!) Well she ends up calling me right after our fight and Im crying the whole time she asks "well why would he think you were checking his emails" then quickly changes the subject and gets off the phone. After calming down I put 2 and 2 together and realized that she was the only person that could have told him. Well the next day we are online talking and I wanted him to admit that she had told him. He told me some bs as to why he thought that I was which made me extremely angry that he was sticking up for her. So we got into another fight because he wouldnt tell me. He just kept saying if ''I tell you why I thought that then Id have to tell you the entire thing that I was planning." I told him that I didnt want to know anything about the vacation just that she told him I was checking his emails. He wouldnt and then said that he was just going to ruin it and tell me everything. I didnt want that to happen so I signed offline. My best friend called me and asked if I was going dress shopping with her (which was my idea because they are getting married in less than a yr and she hasnt done anything yet) I of course am furious with her and yell at her for telling him and tell her that Im not going with her now. She explained as much as she could to why she did it and got off the phone. I decided to be the bigger person and still go to help her pick out her wedding dress. Well when I get home I sign online and he had decided to tell me EVERYTHING! I mean everything about his plan to ask me to marry him and how she was helping him get the perfect e-ring. And that now its ruinned and its all because of me. He said "its a good thing I hadnt bought the ring or the vaca yet or Id be out 12k" I know that I should have left well enough alone but I just cant get over the fact that he told me. Why oh why did he do that? I signed off so he wouldnt tell me and he still did. So now its off the whole thing is no longer going to happen. Not even the vacation I was looking forward to. Oh and whats even worse is he hasnt talked to me in 5 days now. I cant help but somewhat feel like he started to have mixed feelings about the whole thing and saw telling me as a way out for him. My thoughts are you either want to marry me or you dont and yes your perfect plan is ruinned but its not like I left you at the altar or something. We can get past this but not if you dont talk to me.

I just dont know what to do right now. Im completely devastated by the whole thing. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. Im sorry this was so long I even put at the beginning that I wouldnt go into detail. oops hehe

 

[mrm]

I obviously don''t know for sure, but based on what you wrote, I think it sounds like he is making excuses. He may have started to get cold feet and blaming you was his way out. If he was adamant about marrying you and thought you may have been suspicious then he would have just changed his plan not started an argument and tell you the whole plan. Does that make sense? I also don''t know why your best friend would have said that she thought you were checking his e-mail. There are probably a dozen reasons you could have become suspicious (like the mere fact she was asking all those questions) and that was her conclusion? That doesn''t sound like a best friend move to me...

 

[Dreamgirl]

Welcome to PS! Don''t worry about the long post, I''m a long poster too.

I''m sorry you''ve had to go through all of this. **BIG HUGS** I know that long distance relationships are hard to do and it sounds like the two of you have had your fair share of it. I see that you tried telling him that your best friend appears to be the one behind all of this situation, but did you ever really get the chance to? Because to me....she sounds like an instigator. I can''t much comment but from what you posted, that''s the impression I''ve gotten of her. If shes really helping him as you say, then why is she in turn causing such trouble between you and your boyfriend?

It seems like he is a little bit over-reacting to this situation as well. And I find it especially odd that he hasn''t called you in 5 days. Is this something that normally happens between the two of you, or do you usually talk every day?

If I were you, I''d call this best friend of yours and let her know the problem she has caused and you would appreciate it if she would tell your boyfriend she screwed up. You''ve always been there for her, she ought to treat you the same. And I''d give the boyfriend a call and try to rationally discuss the situation without getting into a heated argument. If he can''t have a calm conversation with you about it without blowing up at you after not talking for 5 days, then I''d say he doesn''t seem ready yet to get married. It could be a maturity thing and he realized that he isn''t "there" just yet. I don''t know...I don''t see why a guy would act that way if he was in the process of purchasing a ring for the girl he wants to marry.

 

[tlh]

I understand your confusion, but I''d avoid the blame game here. Distance = frustrations. I''m sure he felt a lot of frustration trying to plan a proposal w/ you both so far from each other. Friends get weird. Jealous. Petty sometimes. Especially if she''s planning a wedding, and your proposal and vacation steal any thunder. Or she could have no clue what she said, girls can ramble and say things they think, and don''t realize how it may sound. (Who knows!)

I''d just take a step back. Stop communicating via paper with your SO if you can (even though IMing is back and forth, things get lost in translation sometimes). I''d invest in a photo cam, maybe see if he''ll do the same, so that you can SEE each other, and try to TALK to one another.

That is the best bet... just to communicate with each other... and be open. If he was honestly planning a proposal, then he WANTS to marry you... and I''d just go from there. I wish you the best.

 

[sparklyheart]

Oh wow, giggles... I''m so sorry this is all happening!!

I agree with dreamgirl.. you need to talk to your best friend.. She needs to know that, regardless of the engagement ring, your BF is mad and thinks you are snooping behind his back because of something she said. If she really is your best friend then she should be open to hearing this *and* be open to fixing it. Also, I think you need to do whatever you can to talk to your BF on the phone. It is so easy to misunderstand people and get the wrong idea when you are talking online.. Things get read the wrong way and then everyone ends up mad over nothing. I really hope it''s a big misunderstanding and that your BF isn''t just being immature. He''s also got to be so stressed being in Iraq and being away from you, but you can''t be the only one trying to make things better.

Good luck with everything and I hope you guys get to go enjoy that trip he was planning!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Aye, all this drama surrounding something that is supposed to be wonderful. First, tell the best friend to butt out, she was way out of line. Second, call the boyfriend and tell him how you knew that he was ring shopping; then let him know his (over)reaction is ridiculous and hurtful. Let him know you love him, but that he ruined the suprise, not you, and that it''s time to move forward, engaged, and let go of all this crap. In other words, tell him what you told us "Either want to marry me or you dont and yes your perfect plan is ruinned but its not like I left you at the altar or something. We can get past this but not if you dont talk to me."

 

[kama_s]

I''m sorry you''re going through this, I can imagine how frustrating it is with the distance and misunderstandings. Here are my thoughts:

1- No guy who loves you will refuse to marry you because you found out his proposal plan. Seriously. WTF?

2- Communication seems to be a huge issue here. You aren''t listening to him, he definitely isn''t listening to you.

3- Where''s the trust?? If I told my fiance that *this* is what happened, he wouldn''t think twice to question me. You told him what happened, he didn''t trust your version.

4- Your friend is immensely immature. Really, what was she thinking?!!

Call him and talk to him. So much better than chatting online. That said, I feel that the relationship has so many bigger issues, but ofcourse it''s something for you think about and figure out.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 5/8/2009 3:33:43 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

If I were you, I'd call this best friend of yours and let her know the problem she has caused and you would appreciate it if she would tell your boyfriend she screwed up. You've always been there for her, she ought to treat you the same.

I disagree. Firstly, this friend shouldn't be in the middle of this. Yes, she created this mess but it's not her relationship and she's already been more involved than she should be. Secondly, he shouldn't need a third party to convince him to trust his GF. She should be able to tell him that her friend messed up and that's that. What, is she going to always need people to vouch for her before he believes her?!?!?! This isn't elementary school, and he isn't her english teacher.

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m a bit confused about some bits of this, like how you finding out your friend was helping him equals him being glad he didn''t spend 12K on a ring and a trip? So, what, because you found out SOMEthing was going on, he''s never going to propose ever again? Life is ruined forever? Why did he then spill and tell EVERYthing when he could''ve just said, "She''s helping me with something, don''t worry about it. So, how ''bout them O''s?" or something.

My gut feeling says that he''s making excuses too--maybe he got scared, felt like he was moving too fast with the proposal stuff, and totally freaked when he found out you knew he was moving in that direction. However, I *really* don''t like the fact that you offered your side of the story (saying you hadn''t snooped) and that he didn''t believe you, *especially* if he knew (whether he would admit to you or not) that someone else WAS involved (your friend). Your friend sounds like she got a bit confused as well, but it''s not really about her (in my opinion).

It also sounds like you are volunteering to take the blame, even when you didn''t ruin anything. From what I got out of your post, your boyfriend and friend flubbed things up and now you''re stepping up to take the blame because your boyfriend is directing his frustration (or his fear) in your direction, and you seem all too happy to take it and beat yourself up for ruining everything. Did you tell him that you didn''t want to know anything? That you hadn''t actually snooped because you wanted it to be a surprise?

I know long-distance relationships are difficult. I am currently living in London to be with my man so that we could live together and not be 3000+ miles apart, because it is hell. However, the reason we''ve lasted as long as we have (been together 4 1/2ish years, engaged for about 1 1/2 months now) is because we communicate, even when it''s uncomfortable and no fun and there''s bound to be hurt and/or angry feelings. You were hurt by what happened, because you *didn''t* snoop, and he didn''t believe you, and now is angry at YOU for him spilling HIS plan in detail? Where''s his culpability? Won''t he take responsibility for his part in this? Pointing fingers and blaming people in not going to solve anything, but talking things through for you both to discuss the bigger aspects of your relationship might--like figuring out WHY he didn''t believe you when you told him you never snooped. I hope you both keep calm when talking (not messaging or emailing) about this, and be gentle with him if he does say he''s gotten cold feet or thinks he''s rushing with the proposal. That''s perfectly ok! But if he is feeling that way, he needs to be able to tell you.

Hope everything works out, honey.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/8/2009 3:12:40 PM
Author:gigglesmago

We get into an arguement (online for gods sake!) Well she ends up calling me right after our fight and Im crying the whole time she asks ''well why would he think you were checking his emails'' then quickly changes the subject and gets off the phone. After calming down I put 2 and 2 together and realized that she was the only person that could have told him. Well the next day we are online talking and I wanted him to admit that she had told him. He told me some bs as to why he thought that I was which made me extremely angry that he was sticking up for her. So we got into another fight because he wouldnt tell me. He just kept saying if ''I tell you why I thought that then Id have to tell you the entire thing that I was planning.'' I told him that I didnt want to know anything about the vacation just that she told him I was checking his emails. He wouldnt and then said that he was just going to ruin it and tell me everything. I didnt want that to happen so I signed offline.

This part of the story confuseme a bit. My first question will be, was he mad at you and that''s why you wanted him to admit that your friend was the one that told him about you looking at his e-mail. Or was he ok with what happened and wanted to move on and foget about it.

For me sounds like you start acting suspision, like knowing to much about the ring. Your friend tought you could be checking his email and ask your bf to delite everything that will make you think he was planing a proposal. Your BF has the right to ask you if you were looking at his e-mail. I''m not really sure if he did not belive you or if the only thing that happened was that he did not wanted to tell you about who told him you were looking at his e-mail.

For me sounds like he did not want to tell you that he was talking with your friend, and he did not want to tell you anything and wanted to move on, but you did not let him do that, you wanted he to confess about your friend. he thinks that you know everything and his plan was ruin, so it really does not matter if he told you everything, because he already thinks the plan was ruin.

What I will do is talk to him and tell how sorry you are about the plan being ruin, and that you love him, and you want to be enganged, and next time, don''t push him to tell you the plan. I know you were saying just tell me was her not the plan, but for me, there is not half or half, or you know, or you don''t.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto every word of what Gwen said. Communication is key. And your friend needs to get out of your relationship.