Need some support. ( extremely long)

[bee*]

aww lucky, take care of youself. After reading through everything, I have to agree with everyone. I can see that you''re deeply in love and it is so dissapointing that its not working out for you. I can also see that engagement fever has clouded things a bit too. What Im getting from your posts is that you''re very unhappy with the situation but are scared to leave. My opinion is that you should go back to Maine, hang out with your family and friends and just enjoy yourself for a while, without any enagement/wedding thoughts. If he really wants to be wth you, he will get in contact with you. Put it like this, if he decided to go home somewhere, if you really wanted to be with him, you would do all you can. It should also work the other way too.

Yes he might bring you home at christmas, let you live rent free etc but that''s a far cry from saying that you want to marry someone. The fact that you cant have a proper conversation about your future at all, to me, is a worrying sign. Sure my bf gets frustrated occasionally if Im in one of those moods that I want to talk about it, but he will sit down and discuss it. When I thought my friend was going to propose last week, D understood why I was a bit antsy and said that it will be our turn soon and reassured me. Your bf is able to make you happy if he wants. That doesnt mean that he has to propose if he doesnt feel ready, but you should be able to have a conversation about it, to find out his honest thoughts on the whole thing. A good friend of mine has just broken up with her bf last week, as he wasnt ready for marriage. They have been together 4 years, and he wouldnt discuss it for ages, but after discussing it last week, she found out that he might never be ready for marriage and she knew that wasnt for her. He should tell you straight what his plans are as its not just his life that will be affected, its yours too, if you let it. Please dont let the engagement ring or anything like that cloud your judgement for whats best for you in the future. To me moving to the spare room wont do much, its sort of like a little manipulating thing to see does he react-not that I mean that in a bad way, its just the only way I can describe it. If you mean business, move out, live your life, make yourself happy, finish your college course, get a great job and some money. Im in college full time too and have a job-it can be done, you dont have to rely on his money. I think thats the best way to make him see that you mean business. Best of luck with your decision but just remember that you have a life too and you dont want to waste it waiting for someone whos not doing things in your own best intersts

 

[Aloros]

I just wanted to add that I also think moving into the guest bedroom isn''t enough (besides, being around him when your relationship is in this state will probably only make you more miserable). Go back to Maine, have the support of your friends and family, and if he is willing to make the changes necessary to make you happy, he knows where to find you.

Just as a warning, because I''ve been there before, don''t let him get away with promises of change.

 

[bronniejade]

Luckystar, that is awful!

He may love you, and he may say that he wants to marry you one day - but he does not seem to hold your needs or emotions in high regard.

You need to think of what is best for you and I do not think that the environment and the manner in which your relationship is evolving is particulary healthy for you.

From the way you describe your conversations with him, he does not seem willing to fight for you - to make a commitment to actually make the relationship one which is healthy and beneficial to both of you.

I have re-read your post so many times...and you say he says one thing and then does another. Like, asking you to send him emails with ring ideas and then deleting them.
It sounds as if he is stringing you along, so that one day when he is eventually ready to commit to all the things he has told you, you will be there.


If I was in your situation, I would move back to Maine and start fresh.
By leaving him what will you actually lose? You'll be leaving behind a life of excuses, silence and tears.
But - you will gain back your independence and you will give yourself the opportunity to find happiness with someone who is not only willing to, but WANTS to have a relationship that is healthy and open.

Stay strong.

 

[Fancy605]

Boys who are all talk and no action are no good for you. You seem to be the type that no matter what sees the good in a person underneath all the not-so-good and terrible. But you have to remember that all the good in the world is not enough to cover up these sort of negative traits. This guy probably does love you in some way, but it doesn''t sound like he loves you the way you want to be loved and deserve to be loved. My advice is don''t stick around hoping that someday things will be different. This may or may not apply to you (but it does seem to apply to a lot of women I know, so I''ll say it anyway) Don''t be afraid that there is no one else out there for you and that he is the only guy who will want you because that just isn''t true. You seem very giving and thoughtful, and you deserve a guy who gives as much to you as you do to him and considers your needs as much as you consider his.

 

[luckystar112]

*I''ve been wanting to reply ALL DAY and of course, my internet goes out.*

After reading everyone''s posts I''m almost scared to give an update.

Hopefully you''ll think the decision I made was a reasonable one and that I''m not just trying to make excuses for him. I know in my original post it came off like he didn''t care about me at all, but I promise you that isn''t the case. I swear to you, he isn''t a bad guy.

When he got home last night, I was in the computer room studying for a test. The 3rd test in two days, so obviously I thought all of this emotional wreckage couldn''t have come at a worst time. He came in the room and sat down with me on the couch. He asked me about school and about a test I had the day before. Then he cut to the chase and said that he really didn''t want to break up.

I hopped on the defensive right away. I told him I didn''t want to be in a relationship because we are comfortable, I want to be in it because it''s going somewhere. We discussed me going to Maine if it didn''t work out. He got really upset and said that he couldn''t imagine me not in his life.

He was still being his "man of few words" self, but I got out of him some stuff, such as that he never said he didn''t want to move back to the east coast. He does want to move there and he does want to raise our kids there, but the problem has always been that he and I are on different time schedules. (By east coast I don''t mean Maine, although that would be nice. Just....somewhere near the Atlantic where we could take a long weekend and go visit as opposed to flying there all the time.) Anyway, he knows that I feel the sooner I get out of TX the better, but he still feels like he could wait a few years to establish himself before we make a move. So he feels like he is torturing me by making me stay and at the same time doesn''t want me to go. I have to admit that I''m not exactly secretive about how much I hate this state. I don''t even know what I''m saying. I just don''t want to raise kids here...and I absolutely don''t want to settle here. You have to imagine that Maine is way different than TX. I moved here when I was 18 and at the time it was exciting and new, but I am just so over it. There isn''t anything special about it (although most Texans beg to differ) and I figure why can''t I live in another mediocre place closer to our families? But, I am willing to wait.

Work stuff...you can skip if you want:
The reason he want to wait is to establish himself and his career. hmph. But we did talk about his work, and I do feel a lot better about what I''m hearing now. His story about how his boss''s previous shops in another state failed is actually more believable now. The short story is that instead of leasing the property of one of his shops, he bought the property and all the equipment for close to 400k, then when he couldn''t get it off the ground, it wasn''t like he had a lease he could break...he owned the place. He lost everything because he couldn''t pay the mortgage on it. He and his wife and brand new baby had to sell their house and cars and live with family members. And it took him 12 years to pay off his debt, but he never filed bankruptcy.
So, that''s a different spin on things.
He also told me that it wasn''t his boss that was adding extra money to bills, it was a guy named Frank who was also considered his "boss" at the time until he got fired. That is the guy who my boyfriend ended up replacing.
As for the tax stuff...I don''t know if this is true, but my boyfriend thinks that since his boss owns the business he is allowed play with money from different accounts. (Such as buying cars from company money and selling them and pocketing the cash...which he eventually puts back into the company?) I don''t know.

Before he was a manager, he was a mechanic...and actually a really good one. He was getting paid in the top 2% of all mechanics in the country. But it isn''t what he wanted to do, and he thought that he was going to have to slowly move up through the ranks to manager which could easily take 10-15 years, but his boss just sort of gave him the position. And being that he is only 26, I guess he feels like that is a huge accomplishment and he is willing to suffer it out for a couple/few years if in the end he gets rewarded. He basically wants to do whatever he can to help get these businesses running until eventually he can oversee the whole operation and collect a paycheck, which is a goal his boss is apparently well aware of. But he doesn''t want to be a doormat either, and he doesn''t think he is being one. I guess I have to be more supportive about that and let him figure it out.
End work stuff

Back to us:
He said 99.9% of the time he is ready to get married. But then there a little voice in his head telling him to be sure. No one in his family has ever gotten a divorce, and he doesn''t want to be the first one. Which of course was NOT what I wanted to hear. I don''t think anyone wants to hear that their SO has doubts, no matter how little they are. But, I had to tell him honestly that I have doubts as well--doubts that we''ll be down here with kids and he''ll be working all the time and that I''m going to be a non-official single parent who can''t even drop the kids off at grandmas. Those are my fears. He said he doesn''t think we would get divorced, but he wants to be able to take the time to be 100% sure because divorce isn''t an option for him. He fully admitted that it''s a guy commitment issue and he doesn''t know why he feels that way because we have one of the most stable relationships of anyone he knows. He''s embarrassed that he can''t just make a decision. So I told him that even though we look good on paper it sounds like I''m NOT the one for him and that he IS just staying in it because he is comfortable which in turn is just preventing him AND me from finding who we are supposed to be with, if we aren''t supposed to be with eachother. He said he knows I''m the one he wants to be with and he feels like a dumbass that he hasn''t made it official yet. The pressure is scaring him because everything was fine and now everyday he hears me talk about engagement stuff and wedding stuff and he just wants to slow down for a second and let himself come to the decision. He said if he proposed to me right now I will forever wonder if it''s because I pressured him into it. Which is true.

I had a chance to ask him multiple questions about us and our future. I had to reassure him that it was OKAY if he didn''t feel the same way as me, and he doesn''t just have to tell me what I want to hear. He asked me what I want for us, and I said that if we are heading for marriage then of course I would like that to happen sooner rather than later, and I want to get married and finish school then move to the east coast and raise our kids. He could open his own shop, I could teach or write for a paper...and it''s spread out enough that he has time to get the experience that he needs in order to feel established and make the move easier. He seemed to like that idea, which was a huge burden off of my shoulders. But, if we aren''t headed for marriage, I''d really rather just transfer to a college near home, as there really wouldn''t be any *big* reason for me to stay here. I also told him I wanted more of a partnership. I asked him questions that I should have asked a long time ago, such as "What if one day I get a job offer that is my dream job but it''s not paying as much as yours, would you drop everything and leave with me?" He said he would as long as it paid the bills. lol.

So, I don''t doubt his feelings for me...I know that he loves me. But at the same time I don''t feel like I should have to wait for him to make up his mind about something that in my opinion should have already been made up. So, I''m just sitting here wondering if he feels guilty because if it doesn''t work out I''m not in a position to bounce back easily, or he''s afraid of feeling guilty because I''ll obviously have to leave, which in turn will make me forfeit 15 credit hours, as I still have another 2 months of school plus two summer courses that I''ve signed up for. Or maybe he really isn''t sure and he knows that if he tells me I''ll leave and he won''t have a chance to change his mind? I don''t know. I brought all of those questions up to him and he said it isn''t that, but how do I KNOW it isn''t that?

So finally, the compromise that we came up with is this:

We are going to have the "all or nothing conversation" on July 10th, which not by coincidence is the last day of my summer school. I don''t mean it to sound like an ultimatum, just as a time for him to come to terms with home he feels about marrying me. I don''t need a ring on July 11th. I planned it this way so that in the small chance he IS feeling guilty about anything, he won''t have to be because I can just move home and register for classes up there. In the meantime, I''m going to lay off the wedding talk. (Of course I''ll probably still pine away on here.) I am also going to sign myself up for more shifts at work and put away some extra cash so he''ll have no excuses if I''m not what he wants. Like I said, I don''t THINK that''s the way he feels, but if it is I want him to be in a position where he won''t feel bad about saying it. For MY piece of mind. Actually, when I said July 1oth he seemed to think that was a "long time" for him to think things over...I don''t feel that way at all, especially in relation to the amount of time we''ve already been together. He seems to think he doesn''t really need to think about it, but instead just needs a swift kick in the butt to him in gear. Isn''t that what I''ve been doing?????? But I think it was a good sign that he said that.

So I''m not going to forget about this...I won''t let someone be with me because they are comfortable (if thats what is going on), and I definitely don''t want to settle. It was a really good conversation that I HAD to have with him, and I''m so glad we were for once able to talk it out openly and I got some honest raw thoughts out of him. I mean, he wants me to pass him the ball every once in a while, and now I am....so July 10th is D-Day. Wish me luck? Unless you think I''m totally nuts. I really just want to make sure I''m making the right decision here.

 

[anchor31]

I don''t think you''re nuts, I probably would have done the same. Doing nothing in that kind of situation is bad, but dropping everything without trying to find out what''s going on isn''t better. So, I wish you good luck.

Although from what you''ve written I do get the impression that he''s hoping you''ll change your mind and settle... It certainly would be the easiest thing for him. I hope I''m wrong...

 

[MustangFan]

From an outsiders perspective, it seems as though you are going in opposite directions and need time for the transition. He is content the way his life in heading and you''re not.
I don''t think July time frame is nutz, you should finish the credits that you started and then make a decision if you are staying or leaving.

I did the same thing, I didn''t want to stay in England anymore, but I stuck it out and even tried a new course, but it just made me miserable and I decided to leave as things were not very good with FI at the time. In the end we broke up after 5 years, it was tough, but I survived and found love again.

 

[risingsun]

It sounds as if you''ve tried very hard to come to some resolution to this situation. Please keep in mind that he''s not the only one that has the opportunity to decide if the relationship is to move forward. During this time, I hope you will also think about whether this is the man you want to make a life with...if you do not, then you can also let him know that you are done. It''s not necessary for you to wait for him to choose you. You have a say in who gets chosen, too. I hope that this all turns out in the best possible way for you.

 

[KimberlyH]

lucky,

Only you know enough about your relationship and what''s in your head and heart to know if you''ve made the right decision. For your sake, I hope it is...so I''m wishing you a ton of luck and making a suggestion for the period between now and July 10, don''t do anymore snooping and drop the wedding talk.

Best wishes to you!

 

[Allisonfaye]

I know you are feeling more optimistic and I don''t want to bring you down. My gut tells me a ring (and definately a wedding) will not solve the problems that you have in this relationship. I have read through some of your threads before but I don''t recall every detail. I think you have put aside a lot to be with him. I thought before you moved there to be with him but then you said something about moving to Texas before so I am not sure. I think July is not that far off but I would hate to see you extend it beyond that. I think some time apart could clarify things for you a bit too. It is good that you finally talked openly. I guess it kind of bothers me that you have been together for 3.5 years and not done that before. Were you afraid to rock the boat?

 

[luckystar112]

Certain things like marriage I wasn''t ready to talk about for a while. We have had serious conversations about our future before, but we haven''t "re-evaluated" after he started his new job. Plans can change, and feelings about things can change...so I guess I knew if I asked him "what now" he wouldn''t be able to answer yet. I moved here by myself, and met him down here. But now I am basically staying here for him, which I will NOT do after July 10th if it isn''t what he wants after we have our talk. So, I do feel like I have my bases covered and I hope it works out for the best because I really do love him, and I do believe him when he says he loves me. I didn''t exactly paint the brightest picture of him and now I''m regretting it because there is a lot more to him than what I wrote in my OP. I promise though...no extensions...no excuses. All or nothing, you know?

I really wish I could elaborate more but I''m at school typing on this computer. My internet connection at my house, for some reason, has kicked the bucket. So I have to wait until friday between 4-6pm for a TWC person to come fix it.

 

[bee*]

Hey lucky. Glad that you had a chat with him. I still have a couple of red flags waving in my face, but you seem to be happy with your decision. Up until the time that you have your next chat (which by coincidence, july 10th is my 8 year anniversary with D!!) work out in your mind what exactly you want to hear. You say that you dont expect a ring, but what if he says I want to marry you sometime, just not sure when, or anything along those lines. Will you stay with him then or go. Just work out exactly what you want for you. He seems to be happy doing what he wants for him and you have to think of yourself too. Personally i would still move home then. If he is serious then about wanting the relationship he will definitely follow.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 3/28/2007 6:07:05 PM
Author: bee*
Hey lucky. Glad that you had a chat with him. I still have a couple of red flags waving in my face, but you seem to be happy with your decision. Up until the time that you have your next chat (which by coincidence, july 10th is my 8 year anniversary with D!!) work out in your mind what exactly you want to hear. You say that you dont expect a ring, but what if he says I want to marry you sometime, just not sure when, or anything along those lines. Will you stay with him then or go. Just work out exactly what you want for you. He seems to be happy doing what he wants for him and you have to think of yourself too. Personally i would still move home then. If he is serious then about wanting the relationship he will definitely follow.

I know what you mean. I won''t take "I''ll marry you someday" for an answer. If he wants to be with me, I''ll be expecting him to get the process started July 10th if he hasn''t already. But I can''t exactly TELL him that, because it will sounds like an ultimatum....which I guess technically it is. I want him to WANT to marry me without having to say anything threatening like that. Right now he just knows that we are going to see if we are on the same page on July 10th. So...we''ll see!

 

[plsadvise]

I haven''t posted much but ended an engagement about 8 months ago. It wasn''t the exact same situation, but it was to someone who I always had to make excuses for and defend to my friends and family, and I’m here to tell you that you can be and deserve to be with someone whose behavior you DON’T (or very rarely) have to explain away to *anyone*! It’s as simple as that really. Honestly, I think that if things really were OK with your relationship, you wouldn’t feel the need to come back here and convince all of us that they are. It sounds like you convincing yourself and needing others to tell you it’s OK to stay with him because at the core you have major doubts. I know this sounds harsh but I’m speaking from personal experience and I know I would have appreciated people NOT accepting my rationalizations when I was making them left and right!

I also want to say that your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and it sounds like he loves you. But, sounds like he loves you on his terms, and like many others have said, not in a way that satisfies your needs. Just because he’s a good guy and he loves you and you love him doesn’t mean you should stay together. Sounds crazy, I know, but it’s the harsh truth. For better or worse, LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH.

I’m hoping you’ll consider some of my mistakes- I subtly pressured my boyfriend for years to propose to me despite many signs and conversations indicating that he had misgivings. I made every excuse in the book for why it was taking so long and how I needed to give him time to come to the decision on his own, etc. Well, after 5 1/2 years and definite pushing on my part although no technical ultimatum or deadline he proposed, but then didn''t want to set a date, etc and the cycle began anew. The engagement didn’t solve the underlying issues just like a marriage certainly wouldn’t have.

The breakup is a much longer story, but the bottom line is I should have left 3 years before I did, at the first round of signs that we didn’t want the same things, but I was afraid of standing on my own two feet, afraid all guys were like this and I wouldn’t be better off alone or with someone other than him, etc. I told myself ALL KINDS of things to try to make it right to stay with him because I was so terrified of really living my life on my own terms. And I was VERY convincing about it, both to myself and to my friends and family. I’m sorry to say it but your last couple of posts sound exactly like so many conversations I had with them, where I sounded so mature and rational and they really felt reassured by the end. And my boyfriend did also have moments of apparent clarity when he was able to totally reassure me, but things never really changed in the long run after our breakthroughs and heart to hearts. It just bought more and more time. He would cry and say that he wanted to marry me but was scared because of his parents divorce, scared because of so and so who is stuck in a loveless marriage, etc and I’m sure he meant it. I felt sorry for him that he had these concerns weighing on him and wanted to stick with him, make him see how great marriage could be, make him believe. FIX HIM, in other words. Major red flags!!!

I spent SO much time rationalizing the relationship, telling myself we''re all spoiled by this ideal of love from romantic comedies and fairy tales but real relationships aren''t like that and men are so different then women and in real life most women have to put pressure on about marriage or it will never happen, and that no one is in a perfect relationship where they''re happy all the time, and that relationships take work and aren''t easy, etc. I was also afraid of looking silly if I gave up on what I’d spent SO much time fixating on and insisting that I wanted so badly. And of course, I really loved him and wanted very badly to make it work for that reason alone.

But I never really stopped to think of myself. I always had this sense that I needed to be selfless and put in so much work and patience and finish what I’d started. I never stopped to face the fact that if he didn''t want the same things as me in life I just wasn''t going to be fulfilled and needed to get out even if it was hard in the short run. It’s as simple as that. I was thinking of what was comfortable and involved the least resistance for me, not what was really right for me. And I knew it in my gut the whole time but ignored it. Part of me even thought that getting married would somehow solve the problem that we didn’t really want the same things, it was kind of this idea of working backwards, like ‘well, if we’re married we’re just going to *have* to make it work!’

Insanity, in retrospect. When I called off the engagement I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off of my chest. It was so much easier to leave and be on my own than I’d ever expected. After the initial really scary, shocking couple of months I was really happy and felt like myself for the first time in almost 6 years! And I quickly realized that there are TONS of guys out there who want the same things as me, and while I’m happy and complete on my own, I would have absolutely no problem finding one of them as soon as I was ready.

I’m dating someone right now who is absolutely fantastic and while I have no idea where it will go, it’s my first experience ever dating someone who I don’t have to make excuses for and it feels so right and so normal and I really, really wish I had accepted the fact sooner that this was even possible!!!!!!!!

This is the longest post ever which is ridiculous, but the bottom line is, your plan sounds reasonable, but PLEASE use the time to really consider whether even if he does propose in July he’ll be enthusiastic and really ready to start the life you want with him or whether it will feel forced. Consider whether YOU truly even want what you’ve spent all this time obsessing over, whether you might be happier and better off without him in the long run, after the dust has settled. Whether if you stay in this relationship you might be passing up the chance to meet someone who you don’t have to seek SO much constant support and advice about being with, because they actually want the same things as you and things evolve naturally.

Like someone else said, if you have an inkling that you’re settling, you are. You can easily find someone you love and who loves you who you don’t have this uneasiness about. It can and should just feel right. Don’t ignore or explain away something you know in your gut.

Maybe because you hadn’t been communicating about this issue openly before the last round of conversations this really was a breakthrough and things will consistently improve. But unless things CONSISTENTLY improve and are CLEARLY going in the direction you want them to be going in July, I really think you should move out. If you’re not comfortable making a final decision at that point, don’t, but you might get a fresh perspective that way and find the final decision a lot easier after testing out a separation.

If you were to make the choice to leave in the end, know that you would bounce back from this whole experience sooner and better than you ever thought possible. Just like how you said your last relationship was flat out abusive and this one is a huge improvement, you would more than likely meet someone who was another huge improvement in that they wanted the exact same things in life as you did and had nothing holding them back.

 

[InlovewithJHK]

I also want to add a similar story as the above poster. I was in a relationship for 2 years with my ex-boyfriend. I really loved him, he was smart, nice, funny, good looking... BUT we had many small differences between us that always were at the back of my mind. He had a really bad temper and I found myself making excuses for him all the time. We used to fight often and I HATE FIGHTING. My parents don''t fight and I stand in the minority when I say that I don''t think fighting regularly is normal in a relationship.

Anyway, after 2 years we broke up but I resisted it for a loooong time, mostly out of pride. I insisted that he was wonderful to so many people that I felt embarrased breaking up with him. It sounds stupid but its true. Also, I had spend so much time iwth him and truely loved him so much.

I met my husband about a week later and the difference is night and day. I can tell you, I''ve been with my husband for 3.5 years and everyday he makes me the happiest person in the world. He and I want the exact same things and we never fight (which is what I like- truely my ex loooved fighting so I guess not fighting isn''t for everyone!).

Basically my message is DON''T SETTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I''m serious. YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!! Always. Don''t make excuses.

I''m sure your boyfriend is very nice, smart, wonderful in many ways but just know that that doesn''t mean he is right for you.

 

[neatfreak]

Lucky, there are still big red flags for me. You should never be with someone whose behavior you have to justify to yourself and others. It''s just not right and you deserve better. I think he doesn''t want to lose you and that is why he talked to you, but I also don''t think he can or is willing to give you what you need. I think he''s just trying to hold on to you as long as possible without changing his behavior.

Please promise us that you will do what is best for YOU. I think that if he proposed now it would be just due to your pressure and you might have a story like plsadvice told. We''ve all been there, but it is important that you get out and find a man who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Best of luck.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 3/28/2007 3:40:37 PM
Author: luckystar112
Certain things like marriage I wasn''t ready to talk about for a while. We have had serious conversations about our future before, but we haven''t ''re-evaluated'' after he started his new job. Plans can change, and feelings about things can change...so I guess I knew if I asked him ''what now'' he wouldn''t be able to answer yet. I moved here by myself, and met him down here. But now I am basically staying here for him, which I will NOT do after July 10th if it isn''t what he wants after we have our talk. So, I do feel like I have my bases covered and I hope it works out for the best because I really do love him, and I do believe him when he says he loves me. I didn''t exactly paint the brightest picture of him and now I''m regretting it because there is a lot more to him than what I wrote in my OP. I promise though...no extensions...no excuses. All or nothing, you know?

I really wish I could elaborate more but I''m at school typing on this computer. My internet connection at my house, for some reason, has kicked the bucket. So I have to wait until friday between 4-6pm for a TWC person to come fix it.

I agree with those who are still very concerned. I think the highlighted phrase above concerns me most -- please consider making a decision based on what you want, not what he wants. I won''t rehash my bad experience, as plsadvise and JHK have pretty much said it all -- the same fears and lack of confidence put me in the same type of situation. I have gotten to the point where I am actually thankful that I found out things about him that made me want to leave. It wasn''t until after I moved home to my parents temporarily, before actually deciding whether to end the relationship, that I realized I hadn''t been happy and we hadn''t wanted the same things and I had been staying for all the wrong reasons. It wasn''t that he didn''t love me, or that I didn''t love him. It was all about expectations, timing, and values -- and I had been making excuses to myself and others for years. It took only a short time away from the situation for that to become very clear, and for me to realize that I deserved much better. (And luckily, I found it!) I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you will truly put your wants, needs, and rights before his in sorting this out.

 

[luckystar112]

When I wrote my original post, I was hurt, confused, and mad--amungst other things. As I said before, I am NOT trying to make excuses for him. I post on this forum a lot and have always appreciated everyone''s advice. I came here looking for advice, and boy did I get it. It is a lot to think about, and it is a lot to keep in mind. On the other hand, I have already decided that my life is important. I am willing to compromise if he is. Isn''t that what relationships are about? Compromise? I almost feel like it was a mistake posting our dirty laundry, because if things work out I''m going to be afraid that all of you just think I''m kidding myself.My boyfriend and I very rarely argue, and have never raised our voices to eachother. I don''t want to end everything over the first time he and I don''t see eye to eye on something. I would like to think I''m mature enough to give him and myself the benefit of the doubt. This isn''t a relationship where I have been giving him chance after chance to change. If I know anything, its that you can''t change a guy and what you''re getting now you''ll get in the future. I''ve never wanted to change him, I''ve just wanted to make sure we are on the same page...and if we aren''t, that is okay too. If we can compromise, great--if not, we have to go our separate ways. One thing I wasn''t doing was trying to see things from his perspective. I don''t think it is a matter of him wanting to "keep me around for as long as possible without changing his behavior", I think it is more like he wants to make sure I am supportive of his job and where we are living for at least another 3-4 years. I''m not sure if I am yet, yet I was pushing the marriage thing every single day anyway and HE was the one that had to be like, "this is what is going on in my life right now, are you going to be able to handle it?" I don''t see anything wrong with that, especially since most of the advise to me on here has been telling me to do the same to him. I would like to meet him in the middle.

Plsadvise: I really appreciate you taking the time to share you story, and it is beneficial. I know a lot of girls get hooked on that fairy tale and lose sense of reality. My goal is to not get in that deep. I know sometimes it can overwhelm you, but I think I''ve got a crystal clear idea of what I want and now my boyfriend is clear on that too. The ball is in his court and I''m not going to let reschedule the game. My biggest fear is investing time and love into a relationship that is going nowhere...I will NOT let that happen to me. If it has to end, I know that when one door closes another one opens, and it sounds like that is what happened for you, and hopefully what will happen for me if he and I do not work out.

 

[luckystar112]

enbcfsobe: I think I typed that wrong. What I meant was, if on July 10th...after I''ve given him 4 months to clear his head without any pressure or marriage talk from me...if he tries to tell me he''s still not sure about marrying me, I will take that as a "no" and move to Maine. It will be MY decision to move there...he''s obviously not going to want me to. I''m sure he''ll beg me to stay. But like I said, I only want to give him one chance...I don''t want to get sucked into a cycle of me asking him "why" and him saying "not yet." I won''t let that happen to me. I DON''T want to be the girl who makes excuses for her guy...even though that''s what all of you think! I hope I can still post here even though I haven''t packed my bags and been on the first flight to ME.

 

[enbcfsobe]

lucky, we are all just trying to help. none of us wants you to be unhappy either with or without him. it sounds like you have taken a strong stance, and know what you want. that didn''t really come through in your initial follow-up posts. good luck!

 

[Aloros]

Do keep in mind that what we get from you is only like a 1-2 minute clip from a 2 hour movie. We can''t possibly know your relationship the way you do, the circumstances, etc. All we can do is give you advice based upon our own experiences (which may or may not coincide with your own). All advice is worth listening to and considering, but it should also be taken with a grain of salt.

It sounds like you know what you want, and you have a course of action that you will follow to ensure that you get it. Just don''t forget the things you wrote here!

Good luck, and I hope this ends in your happiness, either way.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/29/2007 12:10:10 AM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 3/28/2007 6:07:05 PM
Author: bee*
Hey lucky. Glad that you had a chat with him. I still have a couple of red flags waving in my face, but you seem to be happy with your decision. Up until the time that you have your next chat (which by coincidence, july 10th is my 8 year anniversary with D!!) work out in your mind what exactly you want to hear. You say that you dont expect a ring, but what if he says I want to marry you sometime, just not sure when, or anything along those lines. Will you stay with him then or go. Just work out exactly what you want for you. He seems to be happy doing what he wants for him and you have to think of yourself too. Personally i would still move home then. If he is serious then about wanting the relationship he will definitely follow.

I know what you mean. I won''t take ''I''ll marry you someday'' for an answer. If he wants to be with me, I''ll be expecting him to get the process started July 10th if he hasn''t already. But I can''t exactly TELL him that, because it will sounds like an ultimatum....which I guess technically it is. I want him to WANT to marry me without having to say anything threatening like that. Right now he just knows that we are going to see if we are on the same page on July 10th. So...we''ll see!

Yeah I know what you''re saying about the ultimatum thing. Hopefully it will go great and you guys will definitely be on the same page.