Need some insight...I am at wits end over this! (Sorry--long)

[strmrdr]

I havent had a chance to read all the replies in this thread but here is my 2c.

Stop playing there game and get inside the loop.

By playing their game you are giving them power over you take away the power and the game ends.
They get nasty say I love you but im not going to take it and walk off.
short circuit the game.

They call and get snotty say I love you and hang up.

Get the picture?

 

[strmrdr]

This is an action reaction loop that any interaction can be broken down too.
The red is the loop and the blue is where the loop can be broken or got inside of by being ahead of them and heading them off.

Look at the loop and the parts you can control and then look at the situation and say where and how can I break the loop and do so in as many places as possible.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/4/2006 11:09:56 PM
Author: Apsara
I am not a parent, so I offer the following humbly.

I have known several people who have practically lost their lives--at the very least, their souls--for their kids. Whether it was emotional issues, drugs, whatever...Parents love their children so much, they sacrafice everything for them: money, their relationships with spouses and other family members, careers, etc. But their comes a point when a parent, no matter how great his/her love is, can save a child from its demons. A few friends, exhausted and broken, have admitted as much to me. It sounds like you have made sincere and extensive efforts to work with your older children to no avail.

You will always love them and welcome them in your heart. Let them know this. But let them know too, that your love does not mean you have to take their abuse--and that is what this is--emotional abuse. You will be their for them should they decide to meet you half way and make meaningful attempts at a relationship--that is what loving mothers do--but you are entitled to a life and to happiness...and you have other children to think of.

This is not an easy thing. I am sorry to read about your family issues. But it sounds like you have the strength and character to see your way through this while keeping your spirit in tact. Godspeed.

Aspara,
Thank you so very kindly. You may not be a parent, but you have huge insight into the heart and that--to me--matters most.

I have admitted before and willingly admit again now that I have allowed myself--in the past--to become absorbed into who has needed what in my immediate family and it has done not only nothing for them long term, but also nothing for me. You are so correct that I have been emotionally abused. My therapist just called me back after I left her a message on Saturday morning. She said she is perplexed about the whole situation on what my two oldest kids are getting out of dumping on their uncle about their scheme to ambush me. My therapist went on to say that should they decide to come into MY home and prevent me from leaving it, that I need to be prepared to call the authorities with my cell phone. Sad, but true.

She supports my need to change the keyless entry at the very least. They wanted independance and left. One of them is now married. The other has her own apartment. Should they need to come here or want to for whatever, they should call and ask to do so...NOT be permitted to when THEY want to. After hearing my therapist back me up, that is where I am.

My other kids need me and I am so at peace at where I am emotionally, spiritually and psychologically right now....and that is what matters most I feel.

Again, your kindness is so appreciated...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/5/2006 12:08:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
I havent had a chance to read all the replies in this thread but here is my 2c.

Stop playing there game and get inside the loop.

By playing their game you are giving them power over you take away the power and the game ends.
They get nasty say I love you but im not going to take it and walk off.
short circuit the game.

They call and get snotty say I love you and hang up.

Get the picture?

I adore you and give you a million "high fives" Strmrdr!

I am there...I am SO there in every sense! But I love the fact that you tuned in to say what I feel!

Thanks, doll!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/5/2006 1:16:41 AM
Author: strmrdr
This is an action reaction loop that any interaction can be broken down too.
The red is the loop and the blue is where the loop can be broken or got inside of by being ahead of them and heading them off.

Look at the loop and the parts you can control and then look at the situation and say where and how can I break the loop and do so in as many places as possible.

Going along with what you have diagramed, I feel I and many of us do the following: We have a situation happen to us,we react, and then we have a conscious choice to either choose to act or stay in the reaction mode and not progress with calmness and clarity, but to stay confused by emotions, thus leading for us to be controlled by our emotions and being out of our own control.

If that doesn''t make sense, I apologize, but I am at the place of forcing myself to actively deciding to move into the acting part of not staying controlled by my emotions and yielding to them or anyone. I want to choose how to act, not allow anyone to coerce me or my thoughts!

Because I have been struggling to make this "me", I obviously flub up now and again, but I have more times I am in control and it is perceived as being a bitch or a form of arrogance or even not caring by others...this is what I am told. My therapist told me this would happen and it is!

Nonetheless, I feel I am more true to me and myself then ever before and I love it. For that reason, I am doing so well now and it is frying the hell out of those two in question, I am told. See? I am not sticking around to see what happens so I am now displaced from the situation and have to be updated!

And I couldn''t be more content...

 

[movie zombie]

yes, you are being threatened in your own home....whether it is emotional or physical doesn''t matter. it is abusive. change the locks. if they come over w/o calling don''t answer the door. if they break in call the authorities. these ''kids'' deserve a spanking.....or to take the consequences of their actions. if you do call the authorities, you must press charges. not to do so means they can do it again and they will. i also like the ''i love you'' and hang up scenario when they become abusive on the phone. they won''t like it. they will piss, moan, groan, and complain to any and all that will listen but eventually they will stop if you are consistent. btw, perhaps the rest of the family should learn to be assertive and tell them ''i realize you believe you have a problem with your mother but that is between the two of you. please refrain from discussing this topic with me any further''.

congratulations to you, DB, for having the courage to grow and change ......we are not living unless we are continually growing and evolving, no matter how old we are. perhaps someday your older chlildren will realize this.

what is important now is breaking the ''cycle'' as storm has pointed out in his diagram. you are in charge only of your actions and cannot control theirs. the more you have bent over the more they want. you are stopping before you break as any good tree would do if allowed to in order to survive.

again, congratulations for continuing to grow as a human being and for setting limits with these ingrates [sorry, i know they''re your kids but they piss me off].

movie zombie