Need Major Advice!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sunshinegirl77]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. Bf and I have been together for 16 months. We are both in our mid 30''s. He has never been married or has any children. I am divorced with a 12 y/o girl. He has "rules" to a relationship. Date for 1 year. Live together for 1 year. Then think about an engagement. He has recently moved 800 miles away and wants to me to move with my daughter. I really want to move out of the area I am in, but I am asking for a commitment of an engagement before I move. We did live together for almost 6 months before he moved. He has finally caved at the idea of engagement and is supposed to propose the next time I come up to visit. What I want to know is am I pushing him too much for this engagement? With moving a child away from all her family and friends, am I really "off my rocker" for saying I won''t move without the engagement? Like him I want a long engagement (approx. 2-3 years for personal reasons not related to the relationship).

 

[Feralpenchant]

I don't think you're out of line at all!

I don't think it's right for him to put a timeline on your relationship. There's nothing about a strict time line that will ensure a relationship's success. Your daughter is and should be your first priority, and he needs to respect that you cannot just make frivolous sacrifices that she will just have to go along with. I would expect a stronger commitment than "how about you come live with me".

Did he express that he thought it was "out of line" for you to expect a proposal before moving in with him?

I have never been engaged or married, I have no kids, and I'm much younger than you, so hopefully someone with more valid experiences will chime in.

 

[Sunshinegirl77]

Date: 5/7/2009 5:40:44 PM
Author: Feralpenchant
I don''t think you''re out of line at all!

I don''t think it''s right for him to put a timeline on your relationship. There''s nothing about a strict time line that will ensure a relationship''s success. Your daughter is and should be your first priority, and he needs to respect that you cannot just make frivolous sacrifices that she will just have to go along with. I would expect a stronger commitment than ''how about you come live with me''.

Did he express that he thought it was ''out of line'' for you to expect a proposal before moving in with him?

I have never been engaged or married, I have no kids, and I''m much younger than you, so hopefully someone with more valid experiences will chime in.

He never said it was out of line, but when i brought it he didn''t take me seriously. The next when he asked me what was bothering me and i told him again he said he didn''t think i was serious.

 

[D&T]

No, you are not off your rocker. Because you have a child involved, this is a serious committment, especially when a child that is 12 who is starting to form relationshlps with people and are very vulnerable at this age as well to move and suddenly move again if it should not work out, so an egagement committment maybe in order. I am married with two kids and soon to be 30... so I know its a big step for you, and just my opinion, that you should have a heart to heart talk and express those concerns because it''s not just the two of you involved anymore, you have a child here.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You can have rules, too.

Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.

I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

 

[ms.halo]

^^ Good response!

 

[ams0124]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
You can have rules, too.

Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.

I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
You can have rules, too.


Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.


I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

I agree. You are definitely not off your rocker asking him for a commitment before you move yourself and your daughter.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:48:08 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM

Author: NewEnglandLady

You can have rules, too.


Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.


I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

I agree as well. In fact, my rule would probably say "I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man I am not married to."

How does your daughter feel about moving away from "all her family and friends"?

 

[Ara Ann]

Personally, I would put my daughter's needs over any man that comes along. Your daughter is your daughter forever, you are the only mother she will ever have. Do not put a man with commitment issues above that mother daughter relationship. You can do better, don't sell yourself, or your daughter short!

And remember, you are her role model...she will see your behavior and model the same in the future. Would you want her to be treated this way by a man when she's an adult? If not, then don't settle for this yourself.

 

[lulu]

Why did he move 800 miles away?

 

[Lilac]

I think I''m a little sensitive to this issue because it really hits home for me. I was 12 years old when my mom remarried and moved me away from all my friends. It was extremely difficult for me (and that was a shorter distance than you''re considering moving, and my mom was married to my stepfather) - I had to make all new friends, I was starting high school not knowing ANYONE in my neighborhood or my school, and I hardly saw my family anymore. It was really REALLY hard.

800 miles is a long way to move a child without you having a commitment from your boyfriend. I''m not sure if I think you should even move yourself that far if he seems unwilling to commit, but I CERTAINLY would never uproot my 12 year old''s life for someone who wasn''t willing to marry me.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:16:35 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/7/2009 6:48:08 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM

Author: NewEnglandLady

You can have rules, too.


Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.


I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

I agree as well. In fact, my rule would probably say ''I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man I am not married to.''

How does your daughter feel about moving away from ''all her family and friends''?

Big ditto...and especially 800 miles away. 16 months is long enough to know if you want to spend your life with someone (in your 30''s).

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:19:26 PM
Author: Ara Ann
Personally, I would put my daughter''s needs over any man that comes along. Your daughter is your daughter forever, you are the only mother she will ever have. Do not put a man with commitment issues above that mother daughter relationship. You can do better, don''t sell yourself, or your daughter short!

And remember, you are her role model...she will see your behavior and model the same in the future. Would you want her to be treated this way by a man when she''s an adult? If not, then don''t settle for this yourself.

Agree so strongly here.

To the OP dont sell out period for your daughters sake. If this man is not begging you and even then some, you should not go. I dont think you should go for other reasons too. eg uprooting daughter at vulnerable age etc, putting her at a disadvantage with school , taking away all her support systems etc.

I also dont like the sound of this guy.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:16:35 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/7/2009 6:48:08 PM

Author: ams0124

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM


Author: NewEnglandLady


You can have rules, too.



Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.



I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

I agree as well. In fact, my rule would probably say ''I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man I am not married to.''


How does your daughter feel about moving away from ''all her family and friends''?

I''m even surprise that he did not propose before asking you to move with him that far. I Know maybe he is concern about commitment. But since the 3 of you will be living together, he will become a role father for your daugther, and that''s even a bigger responsability that just being engaged. I will not move with him unless I am engaged and he is really thinking seriously and become part of your family.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I agree with what the other moms said, but there''s one big thing to consider here...actually two.

First, how does your daughter feel about moving?

Second, will your ex ALLOW you to move? That can be a huge issue. My ex, as much as he is hardly involved with the kids (visitation every other weekend, and that''s the extent of his involvement), would definitely put up a fight if I wanted to move 800 miles away.

 

[suchende]

Date: 5/7/2009 9:18:11 PM
Author: Lilac
I think I''m a little sensitive to this issue because it really hits home for me. I was 12 years old when my mom remarried and moved me away from all my friends. It was extremely difficult for me (and that was a shorter distance than you''re considering moving, and my mom was married to my stepfather) - I had to make all new friends, I was starting high school not knowing ANYONE in my neighborhood or my school, and I hardly saw my family anymore. It was really REALLY hard.

800 miles is a long way to move a child without you having a commitment from your boyfriend. I''m not sure if I think you should even move yourself that far if he seems unwilling to commit, but I CERTAINLY would never uproot my 12 year old''s life for someone who wasn''t willing to marry me.

I went through something very similar as well, but in my case, I welcomed the "fresh start." Oh, and my mother and her husband were definitely engaged before we moved and had a courthouse wedding less than a month after.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:16:35 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/7/2009 6:48:08 PM

Author: ams0124

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM


Author: NewEnglandLady


You can have rules, too.



Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.



I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

I agree as well. In fact, my rule would probably say ''I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man I am not married to.''


How does your daughter feel about moving away from ''all her family and friends''?

Agreed! If I were in your situation I wouldn''t consider moving for a man that couldn''t make a firm commitment to both myself and my child.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:16:35 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/7/2009 6:48:08 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM

Author: NewEnglandLady

You can have rules, too.


Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.


I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

Ditto...Very well stated

I agree as well. In fact, my rule would probably say ''I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man I am not married to.''

How does your daughter feel about moving away from ''all her family and friends''?

I agree with these ladies.

This situation sorta reminds me in a very very very very very TINY way of the movie the Perfect Man. It is from the POV of the daughter who''s mother uproots their lives constantly for the fresh start... no commitment etc. Now, the movie is 99.9% different from your current situation. But to me, his asking you to move w/o proposing first isn''t really fair. Their are 2 lives involved apart from his. You AND your daughter. I''d have a lot of questions about where he moved. Are the schools better? Would we be sacraficing her education and prospects. How is she doing emotionally currently and in school. How would a move affect her. Then YOU. What is the job situation like? Will I be taking a hit to my career professionally or financially?

I''m not saying a 12 year old should dictate the choices of the parent. But they should take into account. You chose to bring them into this world. When that choice was made, it was a lifetime commitment. Winks also brings up a good point. Will her father object to the move?

This is not an easy decision, especially when it involves matters of the heart. However, I do not feel that you are in the wrong. You are in the RIGHT expecting a proposal before uprooting your lives. I wish you all the best.

 

[Bdiddy26]

I totally agree with everyone else, especially tlh. I know the decision should not be up to your daughter but she should have some input. Does she like this guy? Will she adjust ok? If he does ask you to marry him when are you going to move? Will it be this summer so she doesn''t have to start a new school in the middle of the year? She will be in 7th grade next year right? At least she will have to start a new school anyways, just with no friends. I wish you the best of luck and no you are not off your rocker!

 

[Pushin40]

You''re not off your rocker at all! I would not go either without an engagement.

This is what I think you need to consider:

1.) Is this man truly the one you want to marry?
2.) Will he be a good addition to you ard your daughter''s lives?
3.) Is he ready to marry you? Is the penging engagement from pressure, or just that you gave him a really good idea and now he gets it?

If you think there''s a risk that this may not work out (more than just the risk that eveybody has sicce nothing is guarenteed), then I need to say DON''T DO IT. It''s not fair to your daughter. Or you.

Now, your daughter - she is 12. She doesn''t get to give any input on this. She will want to stay here with her friends. Period.. As the Mom, its your responsibility to make good decisions for you and your family. And you are her mother.... so you will know how best to make sure she will be OK with all of these changes.

I also think just because this guy has his ideal tiemline doesn''t mean he has committment issues. At all. He can want at imeline just as much as half the LIWs on this board have theirs! He seems like hes being flexible, so I think its sounding pretty promising!

Did he move so far away for a job?.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 5/8/2009 10:19:59 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
I agree with what the other moms said, but there''s one big thing to consider here...actually two.

First, how does your daughter feel about moving?

Second, will your ex ALLOW you to move? That can be a huge issue. My ex, as much as he is hardly involved with the kids (visitation every other weekend, and that''s the extent of his involvement), would definitely put up a fight if I wanted to move 800 miles away.

Good point - I forgot about the father''s rights.
Never even thought of that, not to mention what happens when this girl get''s pulled from the relationship she has with her dad? 12 is a vuilnerable age......

 

[Sunshinegirl77]

First, THANK YOU all for you responces. To answer a lot of the questions that have been asked. In regards to my daughter. She is very excited about the move. She says she will miss her friends, but that is what myspace and texting was made for. Those were her words. BF and her get along very well. Her father has given written permission to move. Neither of us likes where our current city is going (turning into a ghetto). The school system up where we are going is one of the best in the country.

As for my career, the opportunity is better there for me to make my dream of owning my own day spa possible. My current area just can''t support a spa.

As for the BF, I feel like I have pushed the issue. I really don''t think it is a situation of he doesn''t care, it is more (being single and no kids) he just didn''t realize the importance/implications of the commetment. I know he is not ready for marriage. Honestly at this moment neither am I. We both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but there are serious issues (legal and financial) that come along with that piece of paper. A commetment is something from the heart, not a signature on paper. Our whole relationship from moment was been dictated by me. First contact, first meeting, first kiss, were all done at my urging. He is just a shy type of person. A classic case of an introvert personality. He has also given up the possibly of children to be with me, as i can no longer bear children. That to me is a lot to give up to be with the one you love.

I hope this helps to answer some of the questions that have been brought up and to shead a little more light on the subject. I look forward to hearing all of your responces.

 

[Sunshinegirl77]

Oops, forgot one question.

Yes, he did move because of a job opportuntiy.

 

[tlh]

Sounds like you''ve already decided to move, as you''ve listed only positives about moving. So I don''t understand your question, I guess...

Sometimes you have to take a leap. I wish you and your daughter the best.

 

[D&T]

well sounds like your moving... Good luck in your endeavors

from reading your last post, sounds like you wanted to move anyway but just needed an extra umph if you will to get you going and this sounds like the opportunity presented itself.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/8/2009 4:43:54 PM
Author: Sunshinegirl77
First, THANK YOU all for you responces. To answer a lot of the questions that have been asked. In regards to my daughter. She is very excited about the move. She says she will miss her friends, but that is what myspace and texting was made for. Those were her words. BF and her get along very well. Her father has given written permission to move. Neither of us likes where our current city is going (turning into a ghetto). The school system up where we are going is one of the best in the country.

As for my career, the opportunity is better there for me to make my dream of owning my own day spa possible. My current area just can''t support a spa.

As for the BF, I feel like I have pushed the issue. I really don''t think it is a situation of he doesn''t care, it is more (being single and no kids) he just didn''t realize the importance/implications of the commetment. I know he is not ready for marriage. Honestly at this moment neither am I. We both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but there are serious issues (legal and financial) that come along with that piece of paper. A commetment is something from the heart, not a signature on paper. Our whole relationship from moment was been dictated by me. First contact, first meeting, first kiss, were all done at my urging. He is just a shy type of person. A classic case of an introvert personality. He has also given up the possibly of children to be with me, as i can no longer bear children. That to me is a lot to give up to be with the one you love.

I hope this helps to answer some of the questions that have been brought up and to shead a little more light on the subject. I look forward to hearing all of your responces.

Well actually he hasn''t given up a darn thing yet. He can have children into his 60''s/70''s and until he puts a ring on your finger AND marries you, he can walk away at any time with no impact to his life at all.

 

[mrscushion]

No, you''re not off your rocker. I wouldn''t move without the commitment.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:33:55 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
You can have rules, too.

Rule #1: I will not uproot my 12-year-old''s life to live with a man who cannot commit to marrying me.

I wouldn''t even consider moving, it''s not fair to your daughter.

My thoughts, exactly!

 

[Rhea]

If you''re not ready for marriage, he''s not ready for marriage, and both you and your daughter are excited about the move then I don''t really see the problem of moving without a commitment. I''m a bit confused by your question. It doesn''t matter if you don''t have the commitment unless you want one. Do you actually want the commitment right now?