Need insight into male psyche...

[annadragon]

I know, I know you''re all laughing. Heck, I''m laughing too cause my quest is futile.

Anyway, here''s the situation. About 15 years DH bought some property with 3 units on it. He moved into one unit and rented out the rest, he said at some point his intent was to tear them down and build something new on the property but has never gotten around to it. These 3 houses are old, between 70-100 years old so they show their age. It is not unusual in our city for houses and buildings to be this old, but I''m sure there is some silly code or regulation which governs "historic" property.
The issue is they are falling apart. We live in a Gulf Coast city that was affected by Katrina and these houses were no exception, they didn''t flood but the roof damage and wind damage significantly expedited their deterioration. Our house still has a hole, not in the roof, but the ceiling where the insulation hangs down. Its a loft-style home with a vaulted ceiling, which already makes heating and a/c bills monstrous but this gaping hole contributes to lots of temperature control loss. I''ve offered several times to help DH fix this (it is not a one person job I''m quite sure). I don''t know how but said "Let''s get the equipment and figure out how" and he''ll reply "Yea, we should" but nothing comes of it even if I poke at him.
I noticed on the other side of the house that we''ve got a mold issue and I think its pretty bad, the ceiling appears to have a sag and I''ve noticed some changes over time that seem to me, a complete ignoramus when it comes to housing structure, that these changes indicate bad, bad times for the ceiling and us.

I''ve pointed that out to him as well, never nagging just a "Hey, I think there is a problem with mold (point out the area where its obviously moldy) and maybe that''s affecting your allergies" and he''ll say "Yea, could be".

I''m confused. Is this a male thing?

When I broach the subject I offer something constructive such as figuring out how to fix it or pointing out how it may be affecting us adversely both physically such as allergies. Am I coming at this from the wrong angle?
I also question with the other problems with the house if its worth fixing and maybe he doesn''t want to invest the time and money, but he''s never expressed that.

Help me obi-PS-kenobi, you''re my only hope

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

Hmmm.......I hope you get some good advice. I will give you my two cents for good measure. You are living in the house with the ceiling and mold- yes? Tell him these things need to be fixed and that he can do it with your help or you will be paying someone to do them. Give him a time limit and do it. I live with a strong, opinionated, stubborn man and he knows that if I want something to be done it will be done. He can give his opinion and I will listen. But the house, the kids, the dogs........Momma has the say. Everything else is negotiable.

 

[orbaya]

Are you guys living in this house, or is it one of the rental units?

If your DH continues to not care about these issues, how about bringing in a home inspector? Once your hubby sees what an "expert" says who knows all about this stuff, maybe he will be more motivated to do something about it.

Or, give him a timeframe to work with to get this stuff taken care of. If he doesn''t do anything, then you go right ahead and take care of it. Mold is a bad, bad thing.

 

[joflier]

Maybe he''s just afraid that if he starts fixing 1 thing, he''ll find about 5 other things that are wrong and would rather live in ignorance about it? Ya know, ignore it and maybe it will go away.....I would say that you should express that you feel unsafe and that your unhappy living in this place how it is right now. Maybe just be a little more blunt with him.

 

[annadragon]

@Lisa- My only caveat is that the house is in his name and he pays the mortgage on it, bought it long before we ever met. But I might just have to put my foot down in this case.

Orbaya- This is our house. The rentals are in disrepair but no one occupies them. I''ve thought about getting someone to inspect and give me an appraisal so that we have something concrete to work with, in fact I''m starting to think that might be the best route. But of course that leads to the situation below...

Joflier- I''m afraid that will be case as well, that if we intend to fix one thing we''ll have a million and one other things that need to be fixed as well or worse are underlying problems that would need repair in order to repair the issues I''m talking about here.

Thanks fellow PS''ers for your advise and advice.

 

[cnspotts]

I"m sorry that you''re living like that, it''s awfully frustrating. I''m in a similar situation.

We bought this house 5 years ago with the intent of relocating here, getting to know the area, fixing it up a bit then selling it. Well, in the meantime I''ve grown attached to it though it needs work, built in 1940, a spanish revival with a view on a hill with 3 lots within the city limits. It''s in an area that is being slowly revitalized and the surrounding areas are very expensive. We love that it''s super covienent, there''s no traffic and it''s really a quiet neighborhood. So about 2.5 years ago we started to demo but there''s been very little renovation going on. Recently I found out that Hubbs is not interested in spending every weekend working on the house as it turns out. He''d rather I get all bitchy than admit that he''s just DONE with it. He really could care less that it''s not a showplace and I''m insane that it''s as it is. I did not picture my life being like this at this point. I want to do some of the work, I love to build and create and see things come to life from my vision. He''s super technical so every thing has to be exactly correct and better than code which is great. So after a recent blowout by ME, I finally said "I need you to tell me that you just aren''t interested in doing the work ourselves." I needed to hear it so I could make other arrangements after researching our options.

I research everything to death and thats why I know exactly how I want this house to look....and why I hang on to that dream. I know it''ll happen. Anyway there are loans for this kind of situation and yours too I am sure of it. We owe very little on this house so we''re doing what''s called a 203k renovation refinance loan. The money we''re getting is based on the future appraisal of the value of the home after the renovations. I''ve interviewed 3 builders, talked about options and ideas and explained that we''re totally gutting this home plus adding on to it. We want to stay here but we need more space and a garage.

Our relationship has improved a bit too, it was fine before but there was always an unsaid frustration over the situation of the house. Now someone else can do the work, we''ll pay for it and yell at the builder instead of each other. We close Feb 10th! Next Chirstmas I''ll finally get to have my friends over to the house I see in my head. lol

 

[AmberGretchen]

I really think getting an appraisal for how much it might cost (at least a ballpark) for repairs is crucial, and while you''re at it, see if you can get the appraiser/expert to mention how much MORE expensive it would likely be to continue to let these problems go - I''m guessing that may help move things along!

 

[klewis]

There''s an amusing ad on TV here.
A woman presents her husband who is lazing in bed, with a round plate like object and she say''s "this is for you" He asks what it is and she tells him it''s a Tuit. He looks at her puzzled and she reminds him that he said he would paint the house when he got a round tuit.

Would this work?

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

Date: 12/21/2009 6:36:49 PM
Author: annadragon
@Lisa- My only caveat is that the house is in his name and he pays the mortgage on it, bought it long before we ever met. But I might just have to put my foot down in this case.

Orbaya- This is our house. The rentals are in disrepair but no one occupies them. I''ve thought about getting someone to inspect and give me an appraisal so that we have something concrete to work with, in fact I''m starting to think that might be the best route. But of course that leads to the situation below...

Joflier- I''m afraid that will be case as well, that if we intend to fix one thing we''ll have a million and one other things that need to be fixed as well or worse are underlying problems that would need repair in order to repair the issues I''m talking about here.

Thanks fellow PS''ers for your advise and advice.

Same here.

When we first married I told him that a woman needs to feel the house is hers. I gave him the whole nesting analogy and how women tend to judge the woman of the house if the house is not in order. Reasoning with him did not seem to work as he is a slob and I am a neat freak. We have negotiated his safe areas to keep messy. They are his car and the neighbors yard that he tends too.