Need advice

[Ketchup]

I am the ketchup...had to make an annon name in case someone reads this that I don''t want to...

Basically, one of our bms has a drinking problem. Everything I do or say to her is wrong and I just don''t know how to deal with it anymore

I just am at my wit''s end...I guess that''s all I really want to say, I don''t want to get too specific...

 

[dragonfly411]

Ketchup - I''m so sorry you''re going through this, it is a very difficult situation to be in. Unfortunately I have learned over time that you can''t help someone who a) isn''t willing to be helped and b) who won''t help themselves. I''m not sure what to offer as advice. I don''t know how close you are to BM but you might speak with her parents if you are close enough. If you feel like you can''t keep her in the party then you should let her know sooner rather than later. And if you feel like you can''t help her, then you might send an anonymous note.... or something similar.. I don''t know if there is anything else to do.... but ((hugs))

 

[Ketchup]

I considered talking to the parents but I think they have the same issues she does unfortunately :-\

 

[dragonfly411]

is she in a same group of friends, that you all could sit down with her?

 

[princesss]

Unfortunately you cannot control your BM. As much as you want what is best for her, she will drink if she wants to/feels she needs to. You can express your concerns to her and you can choose not to be around her while she is drinking, but you cannot do anything to make her stop. Only she can do that.

It's hard, but it's best to go into situations like this with no expectations of her changing her behaviour just because you want her to (or her parents want her to, or her SO, and so on). She won't stop until she wants to, and we have no idea what could make her want to. Decide what you're comfortable dealing with (and what you're not comfortable dealing with), and act from there.

ETA: You may want to find a local Al-Anon meeting to help you cope with this. They're really helpful, and will give you a support group of people who have experienced/are experiencing what you're going through.

ETA2: I'm not saying don't try, I'm just saying don't hold yourself accountable for her drinking or her recovery.

 

[Ketchup]

not really, our group of friends disbanded a couple years ago. I have some friends but they aren''t really her friends as well, i mean they get along when we all hang out together but they don''t ever hang out with just her...ya know?

 

[Ketchup]

Date: 10/29/2009 10:56:57 AM
Author: princesss
Unfortunately you cannot control your BM. As much as you want what is best for her, she will drink if she wants to/feels she needs to. You can express your concerns to her and you can choose not to be around her while she is drinking, but you cannot do anything to make her stop. Only she can do that.


It''s hard, but it''s best to go into situations like this with no expectations of her changing her behaviour just because you want her to (or her parents want her to, or her SO, and so on). She won''t stop until she wants to, and we have no idea what could make her want to. Decide what you''re comfortable dealing with (and what you''re not comfortable dealing with), and act from there.

I''m totally aware of these things from al anon ...it''s just she makes me feel so bad sometimes and I''m trying to find a good way to cope with that because I don''t want to stop being her friend

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/29/2009 10:58:57 AM
Author: Ketchup

Date: 10/29/2009 10:56:57 AM
Author: princesss
Unfortunately you cannot control your BM. As much as you want what is best for her, she will drink if she wants to/feels she needs to. You can express your concerns to her and you can choose not to be around her while she is drinking, but you cannot do anything to make her stop. Only she can do that.


It''s hard, but it''s best to go into situations like this with no expectations of her changing her behaviour just because you want her to (or her parents want her to, or her SO, and so on). She won''t stop until she wants to, and we have no idea what could make her want to. Decide what you''re comfortable dealing with (and what you''re not comfortable dealing with), and act from there.

I''m totally aware of these things from al anon ...it''s just she makes me feel so bad sometimes and I''m trying to find a good way to cope with that because I don''t want to stop being her friend

Good to hear.

I know you don''t want to stop being her friend, but you do have the right to decide what you can deal with. If you really can''t cope with it, it will be healthier for you to step back a little bit and try to renew the friendship when you''re more able to deal with things.

 

[Ketchup]

Date: 10/29/2009 11:02:57 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/29/2009 10:58:57 AM

Author: Ketchup

Date: 10/29/2009 10:56:57 AM

Author: princesss

Unfortunately you cannot control your BM. As much as you want what is best for her, she will drink if she wants to/feels she needs to. You can express your concerns to her and you can choose not to be around her while she is drinking, but you cannot do anything to make her stop. Only she can do that.



It''s hard, but it''s best to go into situations like this with no expectations of her changing her behaviour just because you want her to (or her parents want her to, or her SO, and so on). She won''t stop until she wants to, and we have no idea what could make her want to. Decide what you''re comfortable dealing with (and what you''re not comfortable dealing with), and act from there.

I''m totally aware of these things from al anon ...it''s just she makes me feel so bad sometimes and I''m trying to find a good way to cope with that because I don''t want to stop being her friend

Good to hear.


I know you don''t want to stop being her friend, but you do have the right to decide what you can deal with. If you really can''t cope with it, it will be healthier for you to step back a little bit and try to renew the friendship when you''re more able to deal with things.

I completely agree with this but she has told me she resents me for not spending time with her. All she wants to do is drink though, how do I tell her I want to hang out but only if we don''t drink?

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/29/2009 11:14:02 AM
Author: Ketchup


I completely agree with this but she has told me she resents me for not spending time with her. All she wants to do is drink though, how do I tell her I want to hang out but only if we don''t drink?

Just like that.

I enjoy being your friend, but I can no longer handle all of your drinking. If you must drink when we are together, then we will have to minimize our friendship.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/29/2009 11:16:39 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 10/29/2009 11:14:02 AM
Author: Ketchup


I completely agree with this but she has told me she resents me for not spending time with her. All she wants to do is drink though, how do I tell her I want to hang out but only if we don''t drink?

Just like that.

I enjoy being your friend, but I can no longer handle all of your drinking. If you must drink when we are together, then we will have to minimize our friendship.

Yup. She can drink if she wants to, but then it''s HER choice not to spend time with you. She won''t see it that way, but please remember she can get resentful all she wants - she''s the one choosing to make it impossible to spend time with her.

 

[meresal]

Quick question...

Has she been drinking like this since you became friends and you have just grown out of it, or is this something new that has gotten prgressively worse?

 

[janinegirly]

I think you've gotten some good advice already, and sorry to change the topic to something lighthearted, but...

what's next, onion rings? buns?

Sorry..these user names are really hilarious..I must have immature humor...

 

[Ketchup]

Date: 10/29/2009 11:23:57 AM
Author: meresal
Quick question...


Has she been drinking like this since you became friends and you have just grown out of it, or is this something new that has gotten prgressively worse?

I would say that I''ve grown out of it but then on the other side, she has gotten worse. We would drink on weekends in college but now she is drinking every night by herself...while I hardly drink at all and never around her.

 

[janinegirly]

Ketc-maybe she''s in a funk or depressed? Is it a glass of wine a night or getting plastered? Everyone goes through their down periods, but if it''s worrying you maybe you can say something or speak with other friends to see what the consensus is. Saying something to the person can backfire though, so be careful. Another helpful thing is to do things with her at night..ask if she wants to see a movie/go to dinner (ie something non-boozing). You may be able to get a sense of what''s going on that way, plus she''ll appreciate the effort.

I''m also kind of confused about you saying everything you do/say being wrong and how that connects to the drinking? Is there tension in the friendship due to wedding or is this a drinking problem you''re concerned about (or both)?

 

[Ketchup]

No she''s just so on edge when she''s not drinking that i feel like i can''t even talk to her

 

[janinegirly]

Ok, well all I can say is ask her if she''d like to go to lunch/dinner. Ask how things are going and start poking around. Sometimes the drinking is self-medicating in reaction to something that is going on. If you reallly feel this is a drinking issue and needs to be addressed, I''d first talk to some of her friends or family. There has to be someone in her circle who is approachable. From there see what general consensus is and how to approach her in a way that won''t make her defensive. Kind of going on limited details here, so hope that''s somewhat helpful.