Need advice on FMIL in ring shopping

[Treasure43]

My future mother-in-law has made a few comments here and there about how she wishes we would be dating for longer than we have been before we get engaged. She thinks we''re perfect for each other but I guess she has an internal timeline on what she thinks is the right time for people to get engaged.


Anyway, FF and I have picked out the ring and I have been told there will be a proposal before August. He has yet to purchase the ring but is planning on doing so very soon. Anyway, today his mother called him and asked him if he wanted her to go with him to look at rings. He asked me what I thought. On one hand, it''s great she wants to be involved in the process. On the other hand, the ring shopping process has been very personal and intimate for us and I''ve not wanted anyone besides him (and the jeweler) to see the ring before I see it.

Thoughts?

 

[princessplease]

I think it''s cool that she cares enough about her son and his FF to want to see the ring, but I completely agree with you about you seeing the ring first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I feel like it''s something that other people shouldn''t see until it''s on your finger, and you''re showing them. Maybe he just wants reassurance that he made a good choice, however, I still understand where you''re coming from. I would talk to him and mention that you want everyone to see what an amazing choice he made when it''s on his finger and not before that.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:14:55 PM
Author: princessplease
I think it''s cool that she cares enough about her son and his FF to want to see the ring, but I completely agree with you about you seeing the ring first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I feel like it''s something that other people shouldn''t see until it''s on your finger, and you''re showing them. Maybe he just wants reassurance that he made a good choice, however, I still understand where you''re coming from. I would talk to him and mention that you want everyone to see what an amazing choice he made when it''s on his finger and not before that.

He knows he''s making the right choice because I''ve been in love with this ring from the moment I tried it on. I think he wants to include her because she offered AND I think he always thought that he''d show his familiy the ring before he showed it to me. However, we''ve decided that no one will see it before I do, unless his mother comes with him shopping. I really don''t want her to see it before it''s on my finger but I ALSO don''t want to take that away from either of them if it''s important to them.

 

[princessplease]

That''s a tough one. I did some thinking, and here''s what I came up with:

If it''s custom, maybe he can tell her what kind of stone and color setting you guys chose. If it''s not a custom setting, maybe he can show her a few rings (including yours) and tell her you both chose one of the rings in the group of rings, but he doesn''t wanna give away what ring was purchased as to not ruin the surprise and take it away from you.

Keep us updated on what happens.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/12/2009 8:11:05 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 5/12/2009 7:14:55 PM
Author: princessplease
I think it's cool that she cares enough about her son and his FF to want to see the ring, but I completely agree with you about you seeing the ring first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I feel like it's something that other people shouldn't see until it's on your finger, and you're showing them. Maybe he just wants reassurance that he made a good choice, however, I still understand where you're coming from. I would talk to him and mention that you want everyone to see what an amazing choice he made when it's on his finger and not before that.

He knows he's making the right choice because I've been in love with this ring from the moment I tried it on. I think he wants to include her because she offered AND I think he always thought that he'd show his familiy the ring before he showed it to me. However, we've decided that no one will see it before I do, unless his mother comes with him shopping. I really don't want her to see it before it's on my finger but I ALSO don't want to take that away from either of them if it's important to them.

So you've already seen the ring?

I'm not sure what the big deal about you seeing the ring first is about. I assure you people will be just as excited about your engagement even if they've seen your ring before. In any case, you have to decide whether that's worth alienating your FMIL who seems to already have had some reservations. I certainly wouldn't risk it.

 

[Black Jade]

Date: 5/12/2009 8:11:05 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 5/12/2009 7:14:55 PM
Author: princessplease
I think it''s cool that she cares enough about her son and his FF to want to see the ring, but I completely agree with you about you seeing the ring first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I feel like it''s something that other people shouldn''t see until it''s on your finger, and you''re showing them. Maybe he just wants reassurance that he made a good choice, however, I still understand where you''re coming from. I would talk to him and mention that you want everyone to see what an amazing choice he made when it''s on his finger and not before that.

He knows he''s making the right choice because I''ve been in love with this ring from the moment I tried it on. I think he wants to include her because she offered AND I think he always thought that he''d show his familiy the ring before he showed it to me. However, we''ve decided that no one will see it before I do, unless his mother comes with him shopping. I really don''t want her to see it before it''s on my finger but I ALSO don''t want to take that away from either of them if it''s important to them.

You are a sweet girl and I would love to have such a thoughtful daughter inlaw sometime in the future.
However, I think that it''s very reasonable of you to wish to be the first to see the ring. Explain to him that in your mind this is between him and you and you don''t want ANYONE to see it before you do, not just his mother in particular, ANYONE. that its truly important to you. Hopefullyhe will then understand.
If I were your mother in law, I wouldn''t be at all offended by this.she probably felt the same at some point about her ring when SHE got engaged. She isn''t losing him, but its not going to be good if he stays so close that he has to check his purchases with her, etc. etc.
I say this as a mother who has only sons and two ofthem are in their twenties and I''m very close to the eldest. I would encourage him, if he asked (and he''s the type who would, he''s a bit clingy) to keep the ring between him and future wife.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:02:15 PM
Author:Treasure43
My future mother-in-law has made a few comments here and there about how she wishes we would be dating for longer than we have been before we get engaged. She thinks we''re perfect for each other but I guess she has an internal timeline on what she thinks is the right time for people to get engaged.


Anyway, FF and I have picked out the ring and I have been told there will be a proposal before August. He has yet to purchase the ring but is planning on doing so very soon. Anyway, today his mother called him and asked him if he wanted her to go with him to look at rings. He asked me what I thought. On one hand, it''s great she wants to be involved in the process. On the other hand, the ring shopping process has been very personal and intimate for us and I''ve not wanted anyone besides him (and the jeweler) to see the ring before I see it.

Thoughts?

Are you perhaps afraid that if she goes with him, she''ll try to change his mind about the proposal happening sooner than she''d like? If that''s the case-if I were you-I would request that she didn''t go along. If you''re not worried about that, maybe it wouldn''t be a bad idea to include her a bit for obvious reasons?!

 

[jaylex]

Not that I am the selfish type, but I would not want my future MIL to see the ring before me. BF and I have been side-by-side throughout the whole ring buying process and to bring someone else in who has a way different taste in jewelery then us, and may be quiet vocal about it would not make sense to us. We liked the idea that purchasing our ring would be very personalized to us and our taste.

but bf and I have decided that we aren''t going to tell anyone that we are getting engaged until it actually happens. In our situation, it makes the most sense for us to tell our family members together. We look at it like this: When the time comes for us to have a child, he will be the first person (besides me

) to find out that we are pregnant. We want to be able to share in that special moment, just the two of us and then with the fam. (Same with engagement.)

I don''t know your FMIL''s personally and this may be not in her character at all, but you did say that she has made comments about wanting you date longer before engagement. Also, she said she wanted to look at rings. So I assume she doesn''t know that you have decided on one. would her wanting to tag along have anything to do with her wanting to push her own agenda? Would it affect the way your bf feels about the ring you have already decided on?

"Ooh! that is beautiful! But so expensive?! Maybe you should save up for another 6 months or so and THEN buy it then? you know, just in case?"
"ooh! that one is nice. but are you sure she wouldn''t like this one instead? i think it is MUCH better. I don''t like princess cut stones. In my opinion, Round brilliants are just more classy"
"White gold? Everyone does white gold? Don''t you want her to have yellow gold? That''s what i have!"

I''m not saying that your BF is a push-over or anything... but mom''s in particular can be very persuasive with their boys. Especially when they think they know what is best for them.

Honestly, it is up to you whether or not you want your FMIL to be involved with looking at/buying the ring. you know her, your BF and yourself better than anyone on this forum. Just consider anything and everything and make sure you have no regrets with your decision. Good luck! And CONGRATS! btw

 

[OneAngryElf]

So, my fiancé and I went ring shopping together first and I showed him the styles I loved, etc. Then, he went to the jeweler with his mom to buy the ring. He knew what I liked and wanted so even though his mom has TOTALLY different taste in jewelry, he picked out a ring with all of the things I wanted.

If your FF knows what you want, I say trust him a little!! I think it''s sweet that his mom wants to be involved. Maybe you two can just talk about the "boundaries" before he goes with her (if he does).

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 5/13/2009 12:18:04 AM
Author: OneAngryElf
If your FF knows what you want, I say trust him a little!! I think it''s sweet that his mom wants to be involved. Maybe you two can just talk about the ''boundaries'' before he goes with her (if he does).

I agree with Elf. I''d say let her go with FF to look at the ring he''s already picked out. That way, she can feel involved in the process while not doing any harm. It may help her get over any concerns she may have over your engagement, and I think that would be a great thing as you move into wedding planning.

 

[sba771]

My FMIL was very involved in my ring process. I am grateful as she found the jeweler and facilitated a lot. My only ''negative'' is that she saw in the end how much my FI paid. She also brought it up to me later. I already knew but it made me a little uncomfortable because I think she was viewing me as spoiled, which I am, but it still felt weird. That is my experience, but I agree that it can be nice to maybe show her some styles or something so she feels involved as that is one bridge you may not want to burn in the future.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/13/2009 7:09:11 AM
Author: sba771
My FMIL was very involved in my ring process. I am grateful as she found the jeweler and facilitated a lot. My only ''negative'' is that she saw in the end how much my FI paid. She also brought it up to me later. I already knew but it made me a little uncomfortable because I think she was viewing me as spoiled, which I am, but it still felt weird. That is my experience, but I agree that it can be nice to maybe show her some styles or something so she feels involved as that is one bridge you may not want to burn in the future.

he he i like that line.

i don''t understand why she needs to come shopping if the ring is already picked?

Hmm, i am going to go against the norm and say if you have already picked out the ring and you both agree on it you are obviously alot futher in to the process than she realises, and if she has already expressed that she wishes you were dating for longer before you get engaged then why does she want to come shopping? sorry for being cynical, it''s just my nature esp when it comes to MILS!

 

[audball]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:13:33 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 5/13/2009 7:09:11 AM
Author: sba771
My FMIL was very involved in my ring process. I am grateful as she found the jeweler and facilitated a lot. My only ''negative'' is that she saw in the end how much my FI paid. She also brought it up to me later. I already knew but it made me a little uncomfortable because I think she was viewing me as spoiled, which I am, but it still felt weird. That is my experience, but I agree that it can be nice to maybe show her some styles or something so she feels involved as that is one bridge you may not want to burn in the future.

he he i like that line.

i don''t understand why she needs to come shopping if the ring is already picked?

Hmm, i am going to go against the norm and say if you have already picked out the ring and you both agree on it you are obviously alot futher in to the process than she realises, and if she has already expressed that she wishes you were dating for longer before you get engaged then why does she want to come shopping? sorry for being cynical, it''s just my nature esp when it comes to MILS!

The bottom highlight was sort of my thoughts...it seems like she has no idea that this is more or less a done deal already, which may not be true, but that''s what it reads to me. Does she know you two have shopped together and already decided on something? If so, I almost think it sounds like she wants to meddle (sp?) and that would be a no go for me, I''d rather her not see it so she didn''t try and suggest anything else to FF. If she hasn''t got a clue, he could just humor her, take her to the jewelry store, look at lots of things (including your selection among them without telling her which), and have him tell his mom that he''s decided which one he knows you''ll love and that he wants you to be the first to see it, hopefully she''ll accept that gracefully and be happy that she was able to ''be a part of it''.

General thougths -- The concept of the FMIL going ring shopping wouldn''t bother me at all (in my current, personal situation) as we are very close, so close my FF often says our relationship is ''creepily close''...we are like real mother daughter close. I''d totally be for her going though because she would probably be my strongest advocate for FF to go for something more my taste than his (he is VERY traditional, he almost doesn''t see anything unless it is a 6 prong, plain, RB tiffany-style solitaire, not that they aren''t beautiful, but we need to compromise a little!) I definitely want a RB but think that my vintage style accident prone self would be suited better by a bezel ala Coati''s James Meyer

Good luck with whatever you choose! Just be sure to think about it and stick to your guns.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/13/2009 1:48:18 AM
Author: mscushion

Date: 5/13/2009 12:18:04 AM

Author: OneAngryElf

If your FF knows what you want, I say trust him a little!! I think it''s sweet that his mom wants to be involved. Maybe you two can just talk about the ''boundaries'' before he goes with her (if he does).

I agree with Elf. I''d say let her go with FF to look at the ring he''s already picked out. That way, she can feel involved in the process while not doing any harm. It may help her get over any concerns she may have over your engagement, and I think that would be a great thing as you move into wedding planning.

ditto both the above posters. I''d say let him bring her shopping and show her the ring you''ve picked out. I think that it''s nice that she wants to be involved.

 

[Bia]

I honestly wouldn''t care who saw it. In fact, my FMIL, and my FIs cousin all saw the stone the day he paid for the ring. My brother and his wife saw the finished product because FI had the ring shipped to their house. And that''s fine.

But that''s me. I don''t usually care about stuff like that.

 

[Lilac]

If it''s really important to you and it might "ruin" it in some way then I don''t think she should go.

I went with my husband to the jeweler to pick out my diamond and describe the custom setting I wanted. I never saw the ring finished (nor did I even see the setting because I just handed the jeweler a piece of paper with a picture of what I wanted on it and described what I wanted).

Based on previous experiences with my MIL, I knew I didn''t want her going with me or DH when we picked out my engagement ring. Sure enough, when he told her what we picked out, she and FIL tried to convince him that it was too big for me and why did I need a diamond so big and he was spending too much money, etc etc. He knew what I wanted, so he stuck to it because he wanted to make me happy and wanted to get what we picked out together.

Once he got the ring, DH showed it to his parents and showed it to his brother. I didn''t care much about that (well actually, I didn''t really even know about it at the time, but I don''t think it would have mattered to me.) It was something he wanted to share with them, and I wouldn''t have wanted to take that away from him. Once I got the ring, nothing mattered anymore - we were engaged! And they still all asked to see the ring on my finger even though they had already seen it in the box - they were still just as excited, and I even forgot that they had ever seen it before.

Obviously none of us can tell you what to do, but I think it depends how strongly you feel about this. If you don''t want her to go shopping with him or know how much he paid, then maybe the compromise is that he gets it himself and picks it up and pays for it and brings it home, and then just shows it to her quickly so she feels like a "part" of it - but she didn''t actually have anything to do with the process of picking it out or buying it. However, if you really feel VERY strongly about seeing it first when you get engaged, then you should talk to FF and explain your feelings and ask if he could please not show it to her because you want to show it to everyone together for the first time when you''re engaged.

 

[tlh]

I think I understand where you are coming from. The ring is a symbol, the "THING" that you can hold out and squeel... "WE''RE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" By having the mother come along and see the ring before hand, it kinda makes it feel like it takes away from your special moment in that YOU''RE the one spreading the good news... if that makes any sense.

My Dh called my dad and asked for his hand the day he proposed. My dad (the world''s largest gossip) told everyone! This is before I saw the ring, this is before I was even asked, or said YES.... so when I call to say "OMG WE''RE ENGAGED" I get a, we all know, we''ve been celebrating already! I was happy and excited that I was engaged, but it was heartbreaking for me that I didn''t get to be the one to tell the good news. My dad, had to be the center of attention SOO BADLY, that he told everyone as if it was his news to tell, and took that joy of being the one to "first break the news" away from me. He didn''t look at it that way, at all... he''s just like, what''s the big deal? I was excited too!?! (

still irks me)

If this is the way you feel, that it is your special moment, that YOU want to be the one to unveil the ring to others... then I would let him know. I think it is nice that his mother wants to come along, but who knows... if she thinks you guys should wait... maybe that is a seed she wants to plant while shopping... you never know... it could be a good thing, like ooo look at this one, you know if you wait a couple of months you could budget for a bigger rock!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:02:15 PM
Author:Treasure43

Anyway, FF and I have picked out the ring and I have been told there will be a proposal before August. He has yet to purchase the ring but is planning on doing so very soon. Anyway, today his mother called him and asked him if he wanted her to go with him to look at rings. He asked me what I thought. On one hand, it''s great she wants to be involved in the process. On the other hand, the ring shopping process has been very personal and intimate for us and I''ve not wanted anyone besides him (and the jeweler) to see the ring before I see it.


Thoughts?

If his mom gets to go, so does yours!

I''ve heard WAY too many monster-in-law stories of the mothers leading their sons to pick something that is less expensive, more like the mother''s taste, etc., and let''s face it - this is YOUR engagement ring, not her''s!

Forget the whole surprise thing...I strongly suggest you go shopping together or by yourself, pick out three settings that you love and would be thrilled with, and give him the business cards so that he can choose between the three. This way, even if he wants to surprise you, he can pick something out that is very similar. You''ll be wearing this ring every day for years to come. It better be something you love.

 

[tyty333]

I think he should just tell his Mom that the ring has already been picked out (so no, she doesnt need to come).
However, he should invite her out to lunch (for a little Mom/son time) on another day to talk about marriage/
wedding/life whatever.

 

[LadyBlue]

I will let him go with his mother, but before i will talk with him, and be sure he knows what you want, and nothing will make him to change his mind and get you something else.

 

[Vani]

I''d take it as a compliment that she wants to be involved, but personally, I''d feel a bit uncomfortable. I would feel like something that was supposed to be an intimate, private process between me and my fiance was being intruded on, you know? Particularly (as others have mentioned) as she would know how much he paid, and has previously expressed reservations about the timing.

Unless your boyfriend feels she would be hurt if she wasn''t included at this stage, I''d gently leave her out of it until after the engagement has taken place. Just my opinion.

 

[Treasure43]

Thanks SO much for all of your comments. To answer a few questions, the ring setting and diamond specs have been picked out. All that''s left is for him to go in and place the order and then later pick up the ring when it is finished. I think she thinks we''ve been vaguely looking but she doesn''t know that we have the whole ring picked out. I agree that he should let her know that we already have the ring all picked out and I LOVE the idea of them maybe having a mother/son lunch to talk about the engagement/marriage. Personally I''d rather no one see the ring before I do HOWEVER, I might be ok with her going with him when he pays for it and seeing the setting and diamond before they''re all mounted. But you do bring up a good point that then she''d know how much it costs. However, she did say something about how engagement rings cost around 8K and we''re getting the engagement ring, diamond, and band for 8K so I think she''d be ok with the price. I dont'' know. I''m hesitant to involve her but maybe he could use some moral support when putting out so much money and so that she feels involved. I''m still on the fence and I''m thinking that when he tells her he''s already picked out the ring, maybe she won''t want to come. Yet I don''t want her to feel left out.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/13/2009 12:36:01 PM
Author: tyty333
I think he should just tell his Mom that the ring has already been picked out (so no, she doesnt need to come).
However, he should invite her out to lunch (for a little Mom/son time) on another day to talk about marriage/
wedding/life whatever.

+1

 

[MonkeyPants]

Date: 5/13/2009 12:31:35 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 5/12/2009 7:02:15 PM

Author:Treasure43


Anyway, FF and I have picked out the ring and I have been told there will be a proposal before August. He has yet to purchase the ring but is planning on doing so very soon. Anyway, today his mother called him and asked him if he wanted her to go with him to look at rings. He asked me what I thought. On one hand, it''s great she wants to be involved in the process. On the other hand, the ring shopping process has been very personal and intimate for us and I''ve not wanted anyone besides him (and the jeweler) to see the ring before I see it.



Thoughts?

If his mom gets to go, so does yours!

I''ve heard WAY too many monster-in-law stories of the mothers leading their sons to pick something that is less expensive, more like the mother''s taste, etc., and let''s face it - this is YOUR engagement ring, not her''s!


Forget the whole surprise thing...I strongly suggest you go shopping together or by yourself, pick out three settings that you love and would be thrilled with, and give him the business cards so that he can choose between the three. This way, even if he wants to surprise you, he can pick something out that is very similar. You''ll be wearing this ring every day for years to come. It better be something you love.

Winks I completely agree! My FF''s mom was really involved and from what FF told me, she kept saying that the ring/stone he wanted to purchase for me was too big/expensive, etc. Not that I even care how big it is, I just want it to be something from FF not FF''s mom. His mom is very "over-protective" and he''s the eldest son so I think some mom''s get jealous when it comes to their sons'' engagement. Not all of course. I''ve had Ex''s whose mothers were just lovely.

 

[calidaisy]

i''ve been married 7+ months and now that i''m happily married

things i used to obsess over during engagement and wedding planning such as "who saw what first" doesn''t seem to matter anymore. so, even though it is important to you NOW that you be the first to see your engagement ring, you may not care in years time as to who saw what first.

having said that, since marriage is a union of two families (as well as two people), this may be a good way to gauge the dynamic between your FF and FMIL as well as your FMIL in general.

i once dated a guy whose mom flipped out when he bought a ring without consulting her first. she was irate that the size (1.5 carat) was twice her ring and created this crazy drama (calling me materialistic, etc.) that led to our break-up.

and then, i met dh.

i remember being super anxious when i found out that dh''s mom was involved in the ring shopping process, especially since i knew my in-laws were in the frugal side. however, i was pleasantly surprised when my MIL encouraged DH to buy a bigger carat (which he didn''t listen ;p) and didn''t seem to mind that none of her opinions were reflected in the purchase. at the end of the day, i appreciated my in-laws for going with DH to purchase the rock since he had to carry $20k+ in cash.

it seems like you have a clear picture of "how" you want things to be done. however, try to also see this as an opportunity to learn about people that are (will be) important to you.

 

[ams0124]

My FI took his dad ring shopping so he saw my ring before I did, and I'm completely ok with that. FI later said that he actually had fun during the process and he really felt like it was a great bonding experience for him and his dad. He said that he got to do a lot of talking about why he knew I was "the one" and what he envisioned our lives to be like. I also think it was a great opportunity for FFIL to learn more about me that I might not necessary have talked about face to face with him...if that makes sense. I think it was a time where FFIL really got to see how much FI and I meant to each other, and how excited FI was to propose.

IMO I think that after you tell your FF what kind of ring you're looking for, and what kind of setting you want, your job is pretty much over. The ring buying process and the proposal process should be your FF's shining moment...I think if he's ok with his mother going I would say let that happen.

Just my .02

It does sound like you don't have too much longer to wait though!! That's a plus

ETA: FI's mother passed away a few years ago so he didn't get the opportuntiy to go ring shopping with his mom. I realize that a mother's personality can be much different then a father's...Would your feelings be different if it was your FFIL?

 

[Treasure43]

Again, thanks for all your repsonses!

To answer a few questions: my parents live 9 hours away while his live 10 minutes away so my mother seeing the ring never really would have been an option. Also, if it was his father, I would be adamently aganist it, as would he, because his father has NO IDEA what an engagement ring costs and would suggest the cheapest, smallest thing possible.

I''ve talked to FF and he''s going to tell his mother that the ring has already been choosen and if she wants to go with him when he pays for it than that is ok with him.

 

[trillionaire]

the more involved the family can be, the more excited and invested they are in the future union. This is usually very good! I would SWOON if my whole family was in on my engagement, what an exciting time!

 

[LadyBlue]

Let us know what she say, and don''t forget to post the pics after he propose, how excited.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 5/14/2009 2:14:21 PM
Author: trillionaire
the more involved the family can be, the more excited and invested they are in the future union. This is usually very good! I would SWOON if my whole family was in on my engagement, what an exciting time!

This is true trillionaire but I would not want a proposal or engagement where my/his whole family is involved. It''s a personal choice and I really want it to be intimate. However, I get what you''re saying