Narcissist parent - can anyone recommend any books or similar for kids?

[OoohShiny]

There is a very long story behind this post... but the short version is that a kid I know has a parent who is a total narcissist, seemingly to the point of Munchausen By Proxy

The kid is now in a safer environment but still has regular contact with the parent (unfortunately) and it's obvious that they are still playing mind games with the child - as they always will do because as narcissists they stopped developing and have no emotional understanding or empathy.

I know several people on here have posted about their similarly narcissistic parents, which I'm always sad to read about


Please may I ask if anyone can recommend any books or websites aimed at children that might help the child understand what is going on and how to deal with it?

It is hard to explain what is happening without using the term 'total mentalist narcissist' and character-assassinating the parent... but helping the child understand and learn how to cope with the situation is going to be key in helping long-term, as the parent is never going to change (is unable to change)...


'Buckets, Dippers and Lids' has already been bought for the child:

Amazon.co.uk

www.amazon.co.uk

but is perhaps a bit 'young' and a bit generalised, but the child is not really that old, so it's hard to get something that is aimed perfectly and that explains how narcissism works.


Any and all advice is very gratefully received, thank you in advance!

 

[missy]

I remember this website was recommended. Sorry you’re (and the child you’re close to) dealing with this @OoohShiny HTH
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate for children though.
Outofthefog.net

 

[missy]

One more link recommended here.

Amazon.com

www.amazon.com

 

[icy_jade]

Maybe this? If there was any trauma:

Amazon.com

www.amazon.com

Thank you for trying to help. Depending on what the kid is exposed to, I also feel that books helping with self-worth could help since narcisstic parents... well, behave the way they behave.

Amazon.com

www.amazon.com

 

[missy]

Perhaps this link will prove helpful.

Books for Children of Narcissistic Parents — The Thirlby

Contributor Valerie Brett Shaindlin on narcissism in the home & bibliotherapy for grown children of narcissistic parents . . .

www.thethirlby.com

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Thank you for caring @OoohShiny !

I'm (fortunately for me!!) not very familiar with narcissists. But I second @icy_jade . I think self esteem building activities are key here.


Depending on the age of the child the intellectual approach of explaining is one thing , but (re) building their confidence with activities , game and time spent together is the most helpful IMO.

I have a book (unfortunately not in English) "100 activities to build your child's self esteem"
I'm sure versions of this exist in English.

Tutorful - How to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem - Confidence Activities and Expert Advice

Understanding how to build self-confidence and self-esteem in your kids is vital to raising happy, well-rounded children. To help you with this tricky task, we've pulled together the best child self-esteem activities, advice, books and more to help you teach your kids self-love.

tutorful.co.uk

 

[jeweln]

I have some family members who are Narcissist . They are extremely self centered . They think the Universe revolves around them .They are cocky ,too self assured .They look down on others but need their praise/appreciation at the same time .
To counter that I think the child should learn empathy by being involved social work/charity .

 

[icy_jade]

the child is not really that old

Having a ballpark age will help us advise better. In my earlier years I don’t think I would have understood what I was seeing/experiencing even if someone tried to explain to me. It’s sort of like a warped world view. Like I used to think that ALL mums are scary and horrible.

It was only in my teens when I saw how mum’s of other friends were like that I started to understand how dysfunctional my family was. Even then and since there was no internet at that time, it was many many years later that I really understood why...

Putting myself back in time, I think if someone tried to explain why when I was a little older I think I could have understood but would still feel very hurt. So depending on how close you are to the child, maybe letting him/her know that he/she is loved is the best thing that you can do. Having a loving presence would really make a lot of difference to the child.

 

[House Cat]

How old is the child? Therapy is a much better option for children of N parents.

Is the child still living with the parent? Shouldn’t someone call CPS? No one ever did for me and they definitely should have. You don’t know how many times I look back and wish that someone had removed me from that home.

 

[OoohShiny]

Many thanks for the links, all!

I will have a look at those later

Having a ballpark age will help us advise better. In my earlier years I don’t think I would have understood what I was seeing/experiencing even if someone tried to explain to me. It’s sort of like a warped world view. Like I used to think that ALL mums are scary and horrible.

It was only in my teens when I saw how mum’s of other friends were like that I started to understand how dysfunctional my family was. Even then and since there was no internet at that time, it was many many years later that I really understood why...

Putting myself back in time, I think if someone tried to explain why when I was a little older I think I could have understood but would still feel very hurt. So depending on how close you are to the child, maybe letting him/her know that he/she is loved is the best thing that you can do. Having a loving presence would really make a lot of difference to the child.

How old is the child? Therapy is a much better option for children of N parents.

Is the child still living with the parent? Shouldn’t someone call CPS? No one ever did for me and they definitely should have. You don’t know how many times I look back and wish that someone had removed me from that home.

The child in question is coming up for 12 and is pretty mature for their age, thanks to having to deal with all this crap, unfortunately.

The child has, fortunately, managed to be secured from the narcissist parent through a court order, but they still have regular contact and (thanks to the 'joys' of electronic communication) said parent has been upping their efforts 'remotely'.


The child has been much happier since the change in living arrangements but has slipped back since contact has restarted... I wonder why that must be?


My advice to the good parent has been to remain consistent, loving, open, honest, and nice-but-firm, so the child knows it is a safe space and that they shouldn't (be made to...) have any secrets. It will also mean the child will (hopefully) look back and see the consistency later on, and will understand what is right and what is wrong.

I think the child understands something is not right but it is hard for them because we are all built to love our parents, no matter how bad they are


Outwith a terrible accident happening... I think all we can do is help the child be self-aware and understand what is happening, so they have tools to deal with the crap - hence asking if there are any good book recommendations!

I believe the good parent is going to seek out some counselling for the child too, as (IMO) there is going to be some element of PTSD-like damage that needs to be gone through - it seems inevitable after the years spent at the hands of a manipulative narcissist with no regard for the health of the child.

 

[House Cat]

Many thanks for the links, all!

I will have a look at those later





The child in question is coming up for 12 and is pretty mature for their age, thanks to having to deal with all this crap, unfortunately.

The child has, fortunately, managed to be secured from the narcissist parent through a court order, but they still have regular contact and (thanks to the 'joys' of electronic communication) said parent has been upping their efforts 'remotely'.


The child has been much happier since the change in living arrangements but has slipped back since contact has restarted... I wonder why that must be?


My advice to the good parent has been to remain consistent, loving, open, honest, and nice-but-firm, so the child knows it is a safe space and that they shouldn't (be made to...) have any secrets. It will also mean the child will (hopefully) look back and see the consistency later on, and will understand what is right and what is wrong.

I think the child understands something is not right but it is hard for them because we are all built to love our parents, no matter how bad they are


Outwith a terrible accident happening... I think all we can do is help the child be self-aware and understand what is happening, so they have tools to deal with the crap - hence asking if there are any good book recommendations!

I believe the good parent is going to seek out some counselling for the child too, as (IMO) there is going to be some element of PTSD-like damage that needs to be gone through - it seems inevitable after the years spent at the hands of a manipulative narcissist with no regard for the health of the child.

Narcissists demand total loyalty (think Trump.) Keep in mind, this loyalty has deep roots that began the moment the child was born. The psychology behind it is deep.

As a child, If someone had came to me and given me a book and told me this was everything that was wrong with my mother, I would have stayed loyal to mom and became suspicious of that other adult for trying to get in between me and mother.

The adults that made the most impact were those who showed me I mattered, who took an interest in who I was and what I was doing, who took the time to actually talk to me, and mostly, who showed me what real love was. I only had two adults like that but because I did, my outcome was far more positive than it should have been.

My advice is that the education will come later. She knows something isn’t right...her parent isn’t safe. But she’s also loyal and loves the parent. Children were designed to love their parents unconditionally, not the other way around. It’s a matter of survival. It’s also how some parents can be so terrible.

 

[OoohShiny]

Narcissists demand total loyalty (think Trump.) Keep in mind, this loyalty has deep roots that began the moment the child was born. The psychology behind it is deep.

As a child, If someone had came to me and given me a book and told me this was everything that was wrong with my mother, I would have stayed loyal to mom and became suspicious of that other adult for trying to get in between me and mother.

The adults that made the most impact were those who showed me I mattered, who took an interest in who I was and what I was doing, who took the time to actually talk to me, and mostly, who showed me what real love was. I only had two adults like that but because I did, my outcome was far more positive than it should have been.

My advice is that the education will come later. She knows something isn’t right...her parent isn’t safe. But she’s also loyal and loves the parent. Children were designed to love their parents unconditionally, not the other way around. It’s a matter of survival. It’s also how some parents can be so terrible.

Many thanks for relating your experience, House Cat, that is very kind and very useful - you are right, the harder we are pushed the more we resist, so instead one must lead the way by leading by example.

I will mention this to the good parent as I think it is very wise, thank you again


I'm sorry you had to go through it but am very grateful that you are seeking to create benefits from it

 

[icy_jade]

Ok, at 12 I think maybe it would be a relief to me to know that the other parent is narcisstic. Understanding that the other parent is “damaged” helps with the “it’s not me it’s him/her” part of things. But that’s just me thinking back to when I was a kid and I grew up too fast.

Since you are in touch with then “normal” parent and also there are plans to go to a therapist then I would suggest to ask the therapist what is appropriate for the child in question. We all speak from personal experience but it really varies doesn’t it? I think the best solution need to be tailored.

As a child, If someone had came to me and given me a book and told me this was everything that was wrong with my mother, I would have stayed loyal to mom and became suspicious of that other adult for trying to get in between me and mother.

To me it would have totally made sense and explain a lot of things. I agree that children are designed to love their parents unconditionally but that love can die quite fast in the wrong environment. If I trusted the other adult, I wouldn’t be suspicious.

 

[Tonks]

Oh, wow. I can empathize. It is amazing that this child was able to get distance at a relatively young age, though, and my hope is that that will be the thing that makes all the difference.

Several things I would recommend.

First, a book on boundaries. Cloud and Townsend is the classic, but I don’t honestly know how that will work for a 12 year old. It may take some digging to find something age appropriate (and I will look as well). This concept will be especially crucial b/c it will teach the child that this is his/her parent’s to deal with, that it is not his/her fault.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother’s, by Karyl McBride.
Daughter Detox, by Peg Streep.

outofthefog.website is an excellent resource, and they may have more kid-specific books than these.

outofthestorm.website is an excellent resource specifically about complex PTSD (CPTSD), which is the type of PTSD suffered by those who have dealt with relational trauma. It would be a great resource.

I would encourage you above all to help the child find a therapist experienced in CPTSD and trauma, perhaps one who offers specific trauma therapies like EMDR or brainspotting.

Finally, remember in all this that the “good parent” in a narcissistic family is far from blameless. The “good parent,” while not a narcissist, has typically filled the role of an enabler for the narcissist for years. While not a narcissist him/herself, this parent has not protected the child from the narcissist’s abuse, and in many cases will have actively participarted in triangulation and have served in the role of flying monkey (do some reading on narcissistic family roles and that terminology will make sense). Many times the non-narc parent is the only person who could have stopped the abuse.

 

[lyra]

My nephew finally got distance from my narcissistic sociopathic sister when he was 12. She sent him to visit his dad, who he'd never met before, and abandoned him there. Just never went back for him. It was awful.

He hates his mother. He didn't get along with his dad much because he had a whole other family, and he was not welcomed to stay there. He'll never forgive his mother, which is fine, and he has done some therapy. He's 31 now, just bought his first house last year and has a good job. He was a high school dropout, but with my DD1's help, he got his GED and became a mechanic. He has some lifetime issues, but he's done really well. I hope the same success comes for the child you know. It takes a ton of support, but at least steps are being made now and the situation seems to be going in a positive direction.

 

[cflutist]

One more link recommended here.

Amazon.com

www.amazon.com

This is a really good book. Narcisstic mother, sister spent 9 months in therapy. I just distanced myself from her.

 

[Cerulean]

https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

Excellent book. This is definitely for a teenager or above, potentially a very mature 12 year old...hmm maybe too young.

The trauma she has likely endured will take years to repair, but it distance seems like a good start.

Nothing will replace an excellent therapist. For myself, a great therapist was a truly life saving force throughout my pre-teen & teenage years.

Thanks for looking out for this child...nothing else to add that hasn't already been said.

 

[missy]

This is a really good book. Narcisstic mother, sister spent 9 months in therapy. I just distanced myself from her.

I am sorry you had to/have to deal with this @cflutist and I am glad you are doing what is best for you.