Name Change: What Did You Do?

[kittybean]

Most of the women I work with did not change their names after marriage, but most of my good friends who have recently gotten married have immediately changed their names. I''m curious what the ladies of PS did. Please feel free to share why you made the choice you did.

 

[stephbolt]

I changed (or technically, am still in the process of changing) my name. I debated for a while when we were first engaged but ultimately I wanted DH and I to share a name with our future children. I was a little sad about the idea of losing my maiden name because it's pretty unique, so I ended up deciding on Stephanie Maiden Married.

I don't have any professional cred with my maiden name, so that made the decision a lot easier. If I had an established career or a lot of publications under my maiden name, I probably would have kept it or hyphenated it.

 

[Haven]

I changed my surname to his. I didn''t struggle with the idea at all, and I was looking forward to sharing a name with my husband.

My identity goes far beyond the name that I happen to carry. I''m not one to put much stock in labels, so I think that''s why it was such an easy change to make.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Technically I changed my last name to his name (I did want a family name), however I legally added my maiden name as a second middle name. I only spent a couple of hours filling out the legal paperwork and a couple more hours in court waiting to see the judge, but it was relatively painless.

ETA: I was published under my maiden, so I kept my maiden name professionaly until I left my position (and haven't published since). I am now known as my married name professionally.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 5/24/2010 2:16:17 PM
Author: stephb0lt
I was a little sad about the idea of losing my maiden name because it''s pretty unique, so I ended up deciding on Stephanie Maiden Married.

Ditto this -- it took a bit of extra paperwork and time (i.e. going to court), but I wasn''t very attached to my original middle name so I really like my new name!

 

[Lilac]

I changed my last name to his. It took me a while (I was avoiding the lines at the social security office) but I finally did it after about a year.

I was so excited all along to change it, but then when it came time to actually do it I felt a weird sense of sadness but happiness at the same time. I was kind of sad to be giving up my last name (it''s just so strange to get rid of a name I had for my entire life) but I was also happy and excited at the same time to share a name with my husband. I slowly switched everything over to his name over the last couple months.

 

[lilyfoot]

Currently, I have my married last name with the Social Security Administration, at work, and on Facebook

I have an appointment at the DMV this weekend to get my name changed on my license, and then I will go to the bank with my new ID, and have my last name changed there.

Honestly, the only reason I got to the SSA so quickly was because we got our certified marriage license copies the same day we got married (at the courthouse), and we had extra time the next day, on our way home from our elopement/honeymoon, so we went by the SSA office together.

The only part I didn''t like about losing my maiden last name was that I felt like part of my "ethnic identity" went with it (only in the vein that now nobody will know/think to ask if I''m Hispanic), but sharing a name with my husband was WAY more important than that!

My married name is extremely rare, and I really like that

 

[sunnyd]

I finally got my green card done, so legally I am Meagan HisLast, but am waiting until after this weekend (flights'' in maiden name) to change SS and DL. Can''t wait! Oh and I changed my costco card yesterday. Hahaha.

 

[zoebartlett]

I changed my last name to my husband''s after we got married. I didn''t want to initially, but he really wanted me to. He told me he thought it would make us seem more like a family if we both had the same last name (even if we didn''t have kids). I hemmed and hawed about it for a while, and then agreed. THEN, about a week or so before the wedding, after I had gotten used to the idea and was okay with it (and had been for a while), he turned to me one night and said that he wanted me to keep my name. He said that he hadn''t really realized how important it was to me to keep my maiden name. I gave in and changed it though because in the end, it''s just a name.

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh I forgot to add that when I went to change my name, I had decided to drop my middle name and use my maiden name as my new middle name. That way, I''d feel better about taking my husband''s name because I knew I wouldn''t be leaving my maiden name behind. The SS office was okay with it, but the DMV wasn''t. I was told that I couldn''t legally make that type of change unless I went to court. I didn''t want to take the time to do that, so I dropped the issue altogether. I had forgotten all about that.

ETA: Wow, hopefully that made sense! It could have been worded much better but I''m too lazy to fix it.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Kept my name. I''m just too attached to it, lol.

 

[kittybean]

I kept my name. Like MTG, I found I was really attached to it! It''s kind of crazy and unpronounceable, but it''s mine. I like that it''s a direct link to my heritage--one of the few I feel I have since I didn''t marry someone from the same background.

Lately, though, I''ve been thinking a lot about making the change. There are so many great reasons to do it, but I''m hesitant because of the things I mentioned above. I am so torn. Ugh.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/24/2010 2:37:01 PM
Author: Haven
I changed my surname to his. I didn''t struggle with the idea at all, and I was looking forward to sharing a name with my husband.



My identity goes far beyond the name that I happen to carry. I''m not one to put much stock in labels, so I think that''s why it was such an easy change to make.

Ditto this.

I never really *thought* I would change my name, mostly for professional reasons and as I grew up in a home with 3 different last names - mine different from both my mother and stepfathers and still felt like a family, and well, it had been my name for over 30 years, but once we were engaged I realized I really wanted to. It felt natural for me to change it. DH did not have a preference but he did realize how excited he was when I said I was going to change it.

It was a pain in the butt to change all my documents and ID (even my office had to change all the letterhead, signs, etc) but I am very glad I did. As odd as it is even for me to have imagined it before - it does feel like more of a bond with my husband. And I have never felt conflicted about it or like I lost *me* at all.

I already had my mothers last name as a second middle name and have kept that (we added it after my parents divorced and mum went back to her maiden name).

 

[RaiKai]

Oh, and DH has his name tattoo''d on his body in a way that cannot be covered so he was not likely to change his, ha.

He feels a lot more connection to his heritage (even if like me he has no relationship really with his father or paternal side) and as a result his last name than I did (though mine did signal the small bit of Irish as does my hair!)

 

[onedrop]

I added DH''s last name to mine, so I am hyphenated. I had mixed feelings about changing my name so I felt the hyphenation was a compromise. DH and I are from different cultures and in his, women keep their names when they marry so he really didn''t care either way. Most things have been changed over to my new name, but after three years I still haven''t changed other things. I''ve kept my maiden name in my professional life.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I kept my name. There was never any question about it. It shows my heritage, of which I am proud, in my religion, names are sacred and frankly if he wasn't chaning his name I saw no reason to change mine. Besides, very few cultures actually change the name, mostly it is just English speaking ones.
My mom kept hers and I have my dad's and other than recieving 2 of everything in the mail, it never created an issue. My Dh has a very common last name and is one of 4 boys, mine is very rare and the only other one in my generation with it is my bro who probably won't have kids. We have talked about it and the children will have my last name, although I offered a combined last name as some people I know have, but he said he feels more connected to my family than his, so the name should reflect that.

 

[Octavia]

Thus far, I have kept my name and I probably always will. I''ve never wanted to change it, I am quite attached to my name as it has always been and my first name sounds terrible with DH''s last. However, he really wanted (and still wants) me to change it, so I said that I would be willing to compromise if he does too -- we would find a way to both change our names in a way that makes sense for both of us. I refuse to do something so unegalitarian as the "traditional" name change, what''s good for the goose is good for the gander IMO. Apparently keeping his name the same is more important to him than having me change mine, though. It''s fine with me, I still get what I want and whenever he brings it up, I remind him that HE is he only thing holding us back from sharing a name at this point.

 

[katamari]

I kept my name. Like you, kittybean, it is very much the norm in my profession to not change--well, some change socially but never professionally. I have publications and a(n albeit very modest) professional identity, but that really did not drive my decision.

I honestly never even entertained the idea of changing. Several things made me feel that way. My dad died when I was young, so I am especially attached to my last name. My mother never changed her last name. DH (and his family) has been very wonderful about the decision and never even assumed I would change. And, I have friends that have used every example above, so there is no real norm established.

Initially, I felt very compelled to correct anyone who called me Mrs. HisLast. That has faded (except when being referred to as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, which I will never tolerate). But, even though I won''t correct people, it just feels utterly wrong to both of us to hear me called MyFirst HisLast--that makes us both feel like I made the correct decision.

I do expect to struggle with any lil'' katamaris being Baby HisLast, but not because I want to have a shared name, just because my last name is so much cooler than his.

 

[JSM]

Kept my own. There are a number of reasons why I could explain it: my degrees and publications have my last name, his sister (who got her graduate degree the same place I did in a very similar field) has a near identical name to mine, and there was bound to be confusion. Mostly it''s because I just felt like it.

I don''t particularly like my given name, but it''s mine.

DH wants the (future) kids to have his name, and I agree. I am prepared to carry a copy of their birth certificates on me at all times to avoid confusion!

 

[dcgator]

Date: 5/24/2010 2:37:01 PM
Author: Haven
I changed my surname to his. I didn''t struggle with the idea at all, and I was looking forward to sharing a name with my husband.

My identity goes far beyond the name that I happen to carry. I''m not one to put much stock in labels, so I think that''s why it was such an easy change to make.

I second that notion. I had no problem changing my last name to my DH''s because it was difficult to pronounce and my parents have been divorced for about 18 years, so I really wasn''t attached to it.

I ended up having to do it really quickly though (w/in two weeks) because my husband deployed a month after our wedding and there was a lot of legal stuff to do before he left. By the time he got back, I was used to the new last name

.

 

[charbie]

i also changed my last name. i enjoy the tradition of it, and it never really was a question for me. i went through a period of time where i really did not get along with my dad''s family (we are back in order now) but when i was going through that- i couldn''t wait to disassociate myself with them!

i think by now, most of the people i see daily have gotten used to my new last name, and even tho in marketing it is good to keep your name out there, i had only been working in my field for a little over 2 years when i got married.

 

[Lilac]

Another one of the reasons I changed my name was because I knew I would want the same last name as my kids one day. When I was a kid, my mom had a different last name than me (my parents got divorced when I was little and my mom took back her maiden name) and it was always embarrassing and confusing for me, as a kid, when I had to get tests signed by a parent or had to bring in a note from a parent (or something like that). I was constantly explaining to teachers or friends that the person who signed my test or wrote the note really *was* my mom even though we had different last names. On a class list of parents and kids, I was always listed differently than everyone else because they had to make that distinction between my last name and my mom''s last name. Looking back, it probably shouldn''t have been a big deal, but to me as a kid I always really hated it and it made me sad.

My mom also had issues often with doctors or insurance companies (calling them on my behalf when I was a kid) or things like that because our last names were different.

Because of all of these things, I knew I would want the same last name as both my husband *and* my children one day, so it was just a matter of time before I would change my name. Now I''m happy I changed it, even if it does take a little getting used to.

 

[yssie]

I''m not planning to change mine, FI doesn''t care one way or another. Our kids will have his last name.

 

[noelwr]

in my country women are not allowed to change their names on any of their legal documents (as of the 80s). however, we are allowed to tell everyone to call us "Mrs. HisName" so my mail is with his name but not my passport, license, etc. also my e-mail address at work was changed.

interestingly enough, I saw a guy I know on linkedin change his name to "John HerName-HisName". I thought that was pretty cool.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 5/25/2010 2:00:08 PM
Author: noelwr
in my country women are not allowed to change their names on any of their legal documents (as of the 80s). however, we are allowed to tell everyone to call us ''Mrs. HisName'' so my mail is with his name but not my passport, license, etc. also my e-mail address at work was changed.


interestingly enough, I saw a guy I know on linkedin change his name to ''John HerName-HisName''. I thought that was pretty cool.

Noel, I know of several couples who have hyphenated together. I''d be up for something like that, but in our case it would create a 22-character last name (including the hyphen) which is just insane!

It''s always interesting to me what the laws are in different places (I actually wrote a paper about it). In my DH''s native country, by law women MUST adopt their husbands'' names. They can get special permission to hyphenate, but those are the only two options available. I''m expecting to take some flack this summer while we are there, especially because BIL is getting married and his FI will become a "TheirLastName" automatically once the papers are signed, so it will be on people''s minds. Oh well.

 

[Telethia]

I had planned on combining our last names. Mine is 2 letters and his is 4, so it''s not long by any stretch. Funny enough our names combined (without a hyphen) is an existing last name, albeit an uncommon one. I guess we will both have to go through the paperwork together when we get around to it.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/25/2010 2:22:00 PM
Author: Octavia

Date: 5/25/2010 2:00:08 PM

Author: noelwr

in my country women are not allowed to change their names on any of their legal documents (as of the 80s). however, we are allowed to tell everyone to call us 'Mrs. HisName' so my mail is with his name but not my passport, license, etc. also my e-mail address at work was changed.



interestingly enough, I saw a guy I know on linkedin change his name to 'John HerName-HisName'. I thought that was pretty cool.

Noel, I know of several couples who have hyphenated together. I'd be up for something like that, but in our case it would create a 22-character last name (including the hyphen) which is just insane!


It's always interesting to me what the laws are in different places (I actually wrote a paper about it). In my DH's native country, by law women MUST adopt their husbands' names. They can get special permission to hyphenate, but those are the only two options available. I'm expecting to take some flack this summer while we are there, especially because BIL is getting married and his FI will become a 'TheirLastName' automatically once the papers are signed, so it will be on people's minds. Oh well.

It is interesting how different places approach it.

Here, all I needed to do was start assuming his name. I just showed up with marriage certificate and changed all my ID. Socially and legally I am now MyFirstName MyMiddleName MySecondMiddleName HisLastName. I did not need to formally apply to have it changed and it operates as my legal name (and my birth certificate remains the same - I think if that had to change it would be a bit weird for me - like I had been born in a different family - I already changed it once when I added my mother's maiden name as a middle name!).

If I wanted to HYPHENATE my name though, I would have had to apply to have it legally changed via the Change of Name Act and my birth certificate would have been changed as well. I am someone who already has three names preceding my last name though so hyphenation was OUT for me. That would just be a ridiculously LONG name! And I did not want to change my birth certificate.

It also varies even within countries. In Quebec, since around 1981 when the Charter was implemented, women are not permitted to change their name just because they got married, so lots of women there don't. They require authorization to change it under a "general" clause (not specifically a result of marriage). They also have a significantly higher rate of people living together without marriage (and who never marry) there than in rest of Canada - yet in Quebec they don't recognize common-law relationships as they do in other parts of the country.

General approaches to maiden and married names across the world:


Maiden and Married Names

 

[iheartscience]

I kept my last name-changing it was never an option for me. I mentioned us both hyphenating our last names but I wasn''t really that into the idea and neither was my husband. He didn''t care a bit that I was going to keep my own name. Honestly I wouldn''t have married him if he was insistent that I take his last name. And if we have any kids their last name will be hyphenated.

 

[Delster]

I'm in Ireland.

Here we have no legislation on names so the old common law rule applies, and that is that your name is whatever you are customarily known as. So even though I haven't changed my name, because I have already had plenty of people addressing me as Mrs. HisLast, I now have a new name whether I like it or not. I've even had cheques made out to me as Mrs. HisLast and the bank will lodge them!

(Actually I shouldn't be complaining about that one, should I?

)

I really like his last name, and I like my first name with his last name, actually even better than I like my first name with my maiden name. I still don't want to change my name though. And I don't like it that effectively I have no say in it happening.

At least under the common law I can just have the two names, I'm not forced to go by one or the other exclusively. So people can call me 'Mrs. HisLast' and I can call me 'Mrs. MyLast' and it's all groovy. A very Irish solution

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/25/2010 2:41:51 PM
Author: Telethia
I had planned on combining our last names. Mine is 2 letters and his is 4, so it''s not long by any stretch. Funny enough our names combined (without a hyphen) is an existing last name, albeit an uncommon one. I guess we will both have to go through the paperwork together when we get around to it.

That is so sweet. My Dh and I had talked about doing it for our kids. My name is Irish and is Mc---- and his last name is very common and found throught the western world, but not too long, so we were discussing naming the kids McHislastname, so my herritage was still passed on. As mentioned above, they are now going to get my name, but I was totally willing to compromise.

I am so sorry about your troubles lilac. Maybe it is location. My parents live in a very modern area and there was never once a problem with my mom''s name being different. She signed most of the notes and school stuff and it never once came up, neither with insurance. I know her first marriage took place where she grew up, in a small farming town, and when she told the paper she was keeping her last name, they couldn''t print it in the marriage announcement because they didn''t have a way to do it and no one had ever asked.