Name change issue

[zoebartlett]

I know there have been threads on the whole name change issue when one gets married. I don''t know what to do. I''ve always known that my finace would like me to change my name and he''s always known that I''m not crazy about doing that. Here are my reasons:

1. Although I''m not in love with my name, it''s ME, you know? I''ve had it for 30+ years and I''m used to it.
2. My dad has two brothers who have sons. My dad has two girls. When my sister got married, she changed her name (to a family name on my mom''s side, she didn''t take her husband''s name). So my male cousins get to keep their name and even pass it on to their kids. If I didn''t change my name, our last name would "live on" with me. My kids would have my FI''s name though, so my last name would essentially end with me (speaking for my immediate family).
3. I don''t want to hyphenate. I just don''t think it sounds great together.
4. Changing your name legally seems so final. It also sounds like a lot of paperwork and I know you have to notify credit card companies, social security, and everyone else under the sun. It just seems like so much work. Not to mention that is for some reason, if I do decide to go back to my maiden name, that''s supposedly a ton of work (according to my divorced friends).


I told my FI that I''d consider changing my name socially but I''m very hesitant to do it legally. He said that it''s just not the same. When we get married, we wouldn''t be known as "the _________''s." I disagree. My kids (students) would call me Mrs. _____, and we would be known as "the __________''s" but my married name wouldn''t appear on legal documents.

I know my FI is upset by this but he has said that I can do whatever I want. He felt defeated, I know, but I think he''s tired of disagreeing about this. I know I''m probably rambling but I wanted to get this out. Any help would greatly be appreciated...by both of us.

 

[neatfreak]

I think you just need to do what is right FOR YOU. And it sounds like that means taking his name socially but legally keeping yours. But that is just my perception of what you''re saying...

You know what is right for you.

On another note, is it an option to move your maiden name to your middle name so that you can essentially still "keep it"?

 

[zoebartlett]

I know it''s a personal matter and only I really know what to do. That said, yes, I have thought of using my last name as my "new" middle name but I''m not sure that would work. I don''t really use my middle name but it does have some significance with my parents. I was born prematurely and my middle name is after the doctor who delivered me. That might seem a bit random but I''m sure it meant a lot to my parents at the time. I suppose I could talk to them to see how they feel. I guess I could do what my friend did: she uses her first name and then her middle name and her maiden name in initial form, then her married name. It just seems like a lot of letters.

 

[Independent Gal]

Definitely do what feels right to YOU.

I'm sure this logic won't appeal to everyone but it seems to me that if YOU prefer the status quo and it's important to HIM that you have the same name, it could be HIM who changes his name to yours. That is, if the issue really is having the SAME name so you can be the '______'s'. If that's not actually the issue, e.g., if what he wants deep down is for 'his' wife to have 'his' name, then that's something else again.

This is definitely something everyone has to decide for themselves and there's no right or wrong way to go about it. You do what's right for YOU Ms. Bartlett!

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Indy! I''ll have to think about asking my FI to change his name. Hmmm...

 

[Fly Girl]

I kept my maiden name as my middle name, but took his last name. Keeping your maiden name was a big deal when I was married back in 1976 and this was my compromise. It has made our lives so much simpler to have the same name as him and as our children. Really!!! It is truly less hassle in the long run.

A couple of stories that have convinced me that it was the right thing to do. My husband and I were greeters at our church and a couple came in. You are supposed to shake hands, say welcome, then they go in. But this woman introduced herself and her husband and then went on to explain that they had different last names, and she had kept her name and went on and on. I hadn''t asked about this, and I DIDN''T CARE! No one else (outside of your family) cares what you choose to call yourself.

A good friend of mine married and kept her maiden name. The plumber calls the house and asks for "Mr Jones". He wasn''t home. Well, was she "Mrs. Jones"? My friend said no. She then described this game of 20 questions she led the poor plumber through. She thought it was pretty funny. I thought it was pretty disgusting. I told her she should just have answered "yes" to the question of whether she was Mrs. Jones, because the plumber only wanted to know if she was Mr Jones'' wife. He wasn''t asking for her name. He, too, didn''t care.

So, if you do decide to keep your maiden name, just remember to be cool, think about what people are really asking for when they ask your name, and don''t go into long explanations where none are required. A name is a convience to help tell people apart. All in all, it is soooo much easier to stick with convention than to buck it.

Good luck.

 

[Independent Gal]

That''s true, Fly Girl, in terms of names helping sort people into immediate families. It''s an important social function of names for sure. But a name is oh so much more than that for some people. My name is also where I come from, where my family came from, and all we went through in getting where we are, it''s bound up with our history, identity, culture, religion... lots of the things that help make me who I am. I''d be willing to go through lots of inconvenience to keep it because it''s so important to me. As it happens, it would also make my professional life hell if I changed it, but that''s by the by.

This is less of a big deal if a person marries someone of the same culture, religion, nationality etc, or where the name wasn''t sort of ''infused'' with meaning for them in the first place. And there are a 100 other great reasons to have the same last name... the symbolism of being a family ''unit'', etc.

It sounds like Zoe''s names (middle and last) have significance for her. So she has to weigh convenience and the many reasons to all have the same name against how this bears on her sense of self.

But maybe her FI should be weighing these things too! He''s just as capable of changing his name as she is.

Unless he''s juuuust as attached to his names. In whcih case he should understand Zoe''s hesitation.

 

[elle_chris]

I know how you feel

When i was married three years, i went through the same thing. He was very understanding but did bring up a good point about children down the road and how that had a chance of causing lots of problems. I agreed and compromised. I hyphenated. I know you said you didn't want to do it but it was the best solution we could come up with.
It's also not too bad. I found at work people still refer to me by my maiden name which is fine. When we're introduced, it's by my married name. Either way, after almost three years of marriage I don't care what people call me as long as they pronounce at leat one of them correctly!

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice! I guess it doesn''t really matter what people call me (hey, my kids [students] occasionally call me ''mom''

). You''re right, Fly Girl, this is really something that matters only to those involved in the whole name change thing. Everyone else probably could care less. I *think* I might be willing to use my current last name as my "new" middle name and then just tack on my Fi''s last name. I''m picturing this, by the way, on checks. How will it look on checks? It doesn''t look too bad. I rarely use my real middle name anyway, although it does have significance in ''my story.''

Okay, so I have a new question: If I did just tack on my FI''s last name to mine and used mine as a middle name, would I still have to legally change my name and do all the paperwork? I guess I would, huh?

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 8/12/2007 10:58:27 PM
Author: zoebartlett
Thanks for all the thoughts and advice! I guess it doesn't really matter what people call me (hey, my kids [students] occasionally call me 'mom'

). You're right, Fly Girl, this is really something that matters only to those involved in the whole name change thing. Everyone else probably could care less. I *think* I might be willing to use my current last name as my 'new' middle name and then just tack on my Fi's last name. I'm picturing this, by the way, on checks. How will it look on checks? It doesn't look too bad. I rarely use my real middle name anyway, although it does have significance in 'my story.'

Okay, so I have a new question: If I did just tack on my FI's last name to mine and used mine as a middle name, would I still have to legally change my name and do all the paperwork? I guess I would, huh?

Your name will legally change when you get legally married. It is part of the paperwork and does not require an extra legal step.

ETA: You will put down what your name will be after the marriage.

 

[AdaBeta27]

I married when I was 36, and I'd already established a career as Miss ___, so I didn't change it. My husband was disappointed but it was really his relatives and my father who made the big stink about it. I don't see what the issue was. My SIL (wife of husband's brother) also didn't change her name, and she never got one iota of criticism from that family for not changing. I suspect that since SIL and BIL had declared they weren't having children, the burden of passing on the family name got dumped on husband and me.

In retrospect, my refusal to change names caused a lot of hard feelings. But I really don't care. After the way that husband made a mess of things, I was glad to not have that same last name. The USA is prudish and squeamish about women having success and independence. Who cares whether husband and wife have the same name nowadays? And children's names -- who cares? There are so many births outside of marriage and blended families nowadays that different last names are common. That name change thing to husband's is definitely antiquated. A woman should not be expected to renounce her own identity when she marries. She is not property.

Changing your name back after divorce is not a problem, if you tack that onto the divorce paperwork. Then you divorce, you resume using your previous name, and just notify everyone.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/12/2007 10:58:27 PM
Author: zoebartlett
Okay, so I have a new question: If I did just tack on my FI''s last name to mine and used mine as a middle name, would I still have to legally change my name and do all the paperwork? I guess I would, huh?

Ayup. A friend of mine just got married at the end of May, and she''s only just finished changing her maiden name to her middle name and taking her husband''s last name as hers. You have to notify evvvvverybody.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Hey I was married a year ago and there are places where I still haven''t changed my name! I replaced my middle name with my maiden. My maiden name is a very unique and cool name. It is part of me so I just couldn''t drop it all together. That said I do LOVE having the same last name has my husband.

You need to do what is right for you.

 

[Gothgrrl]

I wanted to keep my name, but hubby kinda wanted me to take his. So I hyphanted my last name with his last name. Too many people messed up my name so I''ve since gone back to little ole me. What a head-ache. Had to got to court, take an ad out....If I known it was going to be this this difficult, I would have never changed it. I thought hubby would be upset, but he knew how I felt about my maiden name. (partially in honor of my father)

 

[Sha]

Just a question - how do you use your maiden name as your middle name? Is it just like hyphenating but without the hyphen?

I''m thinking if my maiden name were Sha Smith and my husband''s name was Crawford, I would become Sha Smith Crawford? Is that how people use it? Or do you abbreviate the middle name, as in Sha S. Crawford?

Thanks,

 

[Stone Hunter]

Date: 8/13/2007 1:35:11 AM
Author: Sha
Just a question - how do you use your maiden name as your middle name? Is it just like hyphenating but without the hyphen?

I''m thinking if my maiden name were Sha Smith and my husband''s name was Crawford, I would become Sha Smith Crawford? Is that how people use it? Or do you abbreviate the middle name, as in Sha S. Crawford?

Thanks,

Yes you''d be Sha Smith Crawford. And you would use it how you want to. I like the full names if they''re not too long or hard to say. But that''s what I like. You just do what you like and if we meet I''ll call you whatever you ask me to.

 

[lumpkin]

I wish I could help you with this because I can imagine that for some people it''s very hard to decide. Personally, I had a maiden name that was so confusing to pronounce and spell that when I got married I was GLAD to change my last name.

Zoe are you going to have kids? It really does complicate things at school and at the doctor''s/dentist''s office if you were to keep your maiden name or even hyphenate it. Having had a difficult last maiden name, and on top of that having been adopted on my father''s side and going INto school with a different last name at the beginning of my first school year, it is tough on the kids trying to explain that to classmates and teachers.

I don''t know how you can do this LEGALLY, but what if you keep your maiden name for work and take your husband''s last name in your personal life? It seems to me this might be the best of both worlds.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/13/2007 11:15:58 AM
Author: lumpkin
I wish I could help you with this because I can imagine that for some people it''s very hard to decide. Personally, I had a maiden name that was so confusing to pronounce and spell that when I got married I was GLAD to change my last name.

Zoe are you going to have kids? It really does complicate things at school and at the doctor''s/dentist''s office if you were to keep your maiden name or even hyphenate it. Having had a difficult last maiden name, and on top of that having been adopted on my father''s side and going INto school with a different last name at the beginning of my first school year, it is tough on the kids trying to explain that to classmates and teachers.

I don''t know how you can do this LEGALLY, but what if you keep your maiden name for work and take your husband''s last name in your personal life? It seems to me this might be the best of both worlds.

I think we''re going to have kids. It might be the type of thing where, if it''s meant to be it will happen. That''s a possibility too, but like you, I''m not sure how to do it legally.

 

[mrssalvo]

I changed my name because i wanted to. the paperwork really isn''t that big of a deal. most would change my name by me just calling them and telling. My skymiles were the only one''s who asked for a copy of my marriage certificate. the drivers license was easy and you just have to go to the social security office with your new Driver''s license to get a new SS card.

I do understand the kids arguement, but my parents divorced when I was 11 and my mom took my step-dad''s last name when she remarried. So I spend several years in school with my mom signing notes with a different name them mine. in today''s day and age I think teachers are aware and totally fine and understanding with the name thing.

Do what you want. If you don''t want to change it don''t but I agree with flygirl to not give folks a hard time if they call you by his name by mistake. I still find it awkward when sending letters or invitations to couples whom I know the wife didn''t take the married name. Do I write his full name and hers, or just mr. and mrs. and his?? still totally confuses me.

anyone what to tell me what is the PC way of doing it?

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 8/13/2007 11:20:51 AM
Author: zoebartlett

Date: 8/13/2007 11:15:58 AM

Author: lumpkin



I don''t know how you can do this LEGALLY, but what if you keep your maiden name for work and take your husband''s last name in your personal life? It seems to me this might be the best of both worlds.

I think we''re going to have kids. It might be the type of thing where, if it''s meant to be it will happen. That''s a possibility too, but like you, I''m not sure how to do it legally.

can you not just legally change your name but keep using your maiden name at work? i can think of celbrities who marry and still work by there maiden names but do legally change it. Jessica Simspon, Jennifer Annison, (maybe not the best examples but hopefully you get what I mean

)

 

[Mara]

what about changing your name for all the legal purposes but keep your name socially and at work and all that? that is what a few people i know have done. my mom also...later in life she met my stepfather and she changed her name legally but at work she''s still maiden name and on some other stuff she still is too.

also i changed my name and i didn''t notify everyone and a lot of the utility companies and my cell phone and all that still have my maiden name on them. i figured they wouldn''t care as long as i paid the bills and it''s been 3 years and they never said anything. all my cc''s and all that though did change over to the new name. but really i think it''s how you want to do it. legally i would change my name, just because that''s how i am...not necessarily old fashioned but i just think...well my old name got me to here and now i am starting a ''new life'' with my husband so why not have the new name to go along with it.

and yes i am sure it''s a lot of work to change it back if something happened, but hello you are getting married ... you should not be thinking about divorce!

my coworker hyphenated and took her husband''s name but he also hyphenated and took her name...so they all have the hyphenated version, even their 2 year old son. i know that all sorts of things are en vogue now like that, or making up new names, but i guess i am kind of old fashioned about name-taking.

 

[chrono]

Date: 8/13/2007 11:15:58 AM
Author: lumpkin
Zoe are you going to have kids? It really does complicate things at school and at the doctor''s/dentist''s office if you were to keep your maiden name or even hyphenate it. Having had a difficult last maiden name, and on top of that having been adopted on my father''s side and going INto school with a different last name at the beginning of my first school year, it is tough on the kids trying to explain that to classmates and teachers.
It isn''t complicated at all. My children''s school and the pediatrician knows I''m the mother and that''s all that matters. They call me Mrs XXX (hubbys''s last name) and I''m okay with that. No one blinks an eyelid when my ID shows a different last name for paperwork purposes.
I don''t know how you can do this LEGALLY, but what if you keep your maiden name for work and take your husband''s last name in your personal life? It seems to me this might be the best of both worlds.
Yes, this can be done legally. It basically means doing NOTHING. At work, I use my own lastname, and with friends, I am Mrs hubby''s lastname.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m glad TGuy left it up to me. I kept my last name for a variety of reasons and I am glad I did. So far, no regrets.

People can refer to me as "Mrs. HisName" and I am fine with that, and I also call our house old "The HisName''s". The children will all have HisName. But legally I will still be MyName and in this day and age, as people have pointed out, I see no problem with that.

If TGuy had wanted me to change my name, I would have taken that into serious consideration, but he didn''t. He said that I had spent many years being ME, was successful being ME, he had fallen in love with ME and wanted me to continue being ME!

 

[gwendolyn]

As an interesting (possible) solution, I just wanted to mention what an old coworker of mine did when she got married. They kept their own last names, but took the other''s last name as their new middle name.

So, if it was Gracie Pantybottom and Gordon Fluffernutter who were getting married, she''d become Gracie Fluffernutter Pantybottom, and he''d become Gordon Pantybottom Flutternutter.

Not even remotely helpful when dealing with kids having parents with the same name thing (although as someone who works in a school, there are a zillion parents with different last name now due to divorces and whatnot anyway), but my coworker was big on equality and having a balanced relationship, so this is how they dealt with the name thing. Just to throw another choice (albeit a weird one) into the mix.

 

[basil]

I have a friend getting married who is adding on her fiance''s name, but he is also adding on hers as a middle name. So instead of Jane Mary Smith and John Michael Jones, they will be Jane Mary Smith Jones and John Michael Smith Jones, with no hyphens. Luckily, they have pretty short names so this all works out.

As others have said, a mother having a different last name from the children is really no biggie. My mom had a different name than us and I can''t even remember a time when it posed a problem, and this was back in the early-mid 80s. I''m sure it''s even more common these days.

I think fiance would slightly prefer that I would change my name, but seems to have accepted my decision without too much discussion. I think it''s a misconception that men who would like their wives to change their names are trying to take away their wives identity or anything. I think it''s mainly tradition and expectations...just like every girl who wears a white wedding dress isn''t trying to proclaim her virginity.

Anyway, my question for the moment - in what situations is your "social name" not allowed to be different than your legal name (the one on your I.D.)? The ones I can think of off the top of my head are plane tickets and professional licensing. What about cashing checks at banks?

 

[chrono]

All bills are still listed in my maiden name, so my bank accounts show my maiden name. Checks are also written to my maiden name so it isn't a problem cashing checks with my ID (with my maiden name). My 401K, health insurance, and other such things are also in my maiden name.

 

[Hest88]

I think this is a highly emotional issue that''s going to be hard to resolve, unless he has a trusted male friend who can explain your side to him in a way that will help him understand.

I changed my name, but my DH left it purely up to me and I could have very easily kept it instead. I really do believe your name is your own, and the decision should be yours. If you feel strongly about your name, he needs to come to terms with it. However, I know it won''t be easy.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I got married at 39 and there are many times I kind of wish I hadn''t changed my name. DH and I never discussed me not changing it. I think it would have bothered him because he is a tradtional kind of guy but he would probably have left it entirely up to me. It was a huge pain in the rear. It took me years to work through the credit cards, financial statements, etc. although I am a bit of a procrastinator with stuff like this.
The last things were frequent flier accounts. I think when women married younger and didn''t have much of any financial/credit history, it was much different. I think you should wait until you are sure. You can always do it later.

 

[Picos]

My fiance realy doesnt want me to kept my name. He has his reasons; I have my reasons for wanting to "tack it on"

So, I''d be Firstname Middlename MyLastName deHisLastName (ie, Sally Ann Gate dePico). My name would be pretty long, but most of the time I''d be Sally or Mrs. Pico. I just like my last name. I''m in my early-mid twenties and dont really have much to my name but even if I was 100, I''d still like to keep my last name.

I''m kinda weird in that I''ll even refer to myself as Mrs. HisName HisLastname. That just sounds wicked!!

 

[lyra]

After reading all the responses, I think the making your maiden name into a middle name seems like a good compromise. I didn''t have this problem 24 years ago. I had a last name that no one could ever seem to spell (it was only 6 letters!) or pronounce. My husband''s last name was short, sweet, and I''m never asked to spell it to anyone!

You could also consider doing the same with future children--having your maiden name as one of the middle names. Then you''d all match up. Now, if you feel very strongly about keeping your name as is, that''s totally up to you of course.