my strange mother and does anyone else''s mom act like this?

[froufrou]

Okay so I''ve been reading tons of threads where people discuss how they get asked all the time by relatives whether they are engaged yet, etc, which I never knew happened because my family never asks me those things. In fact, my mom is very strange when it comes to my boyfriend. She really really liked him until we started getting "more serious" and now she has the strangest and stupidest grievances against him. She met him pretty much on our first date because I lived at home when we started going out. My mom and I have always been very close and she actually has never liked anyone i''ve dated but that didn''t bother me as much because I was not so serious about them. Anyway, I think my mom must be very shallow.

I will list all my boyfriend''s good qualities which my mom has acknowledged...

he''s very smart (has like 3 BS degrees, and an MS, and is going for his PhD)
he''s very sweet and nice to me
he is very polite to my family
(among all these he is not a drug addict etc)

She thinks though that he is not good enough for me but whenever I tell her, "Mom, this guy is the "one" for me and we have been discussing getting engaged and he makes me very happy" then she says "okay" but later comes out with some "reasons" why she thinks we should not be together. Among her top-most reasons are (and this is not a joke):

he has very thin hair (this is the biggest one, his hair is not even "thinning" it is just thin and not bouncy)
he slouches a lot (yeah, so do I, she gets upset at me about that too)
she doesn''t like his clothes and tells me I should tell him what he should wear, although I like his clothes just fine
he''s boring (because he doesn''t drink and party, but neither do I, and I wouldn''t want him to like that)
she thinks he needs braces

ok...WHO CARES??!

I keep telling her that these are non-reasons for me and that I think he is cute, and that is the only thing among the other good qualities that should matter, and i dont care what kind of clothes he wears (well since I like them it does not matter...i would definately not want to dress him how she "dresses" my dad). Then when I say, "mom, please, i''m happy with him, okay?" she says "oh! i was just joking when i said those things about him!" The other day for Easter/Passover dinner she was saying that she thinks I am so "beautiful and smart and wonderful" and that my boyfriend is none of those things, and I just kind of looked at her, and then my grandma goes "why? i think he has many nice characteristics" and my dad was like "yeah he is a nice guy" and then my mom goes, "oh, I was just making a joke." and im like..what, that was not a joke AND it was not funny.

I have been reading this book called "You''re Wearing THAT? Dialogue between mothers and daughters" which says that if we think our mothers are criticizing us, it is only becaues they want what is best for us, and that is true for some of what my mom says but this whole disliking my boyfriend thing is completely strange and is not mentioned in this book as one of the things that mothers and daughters have fights over. SO...does ANYONE AT ALL have this problem??? If any of her reasons were at least valid reasons I would consider them...but they are NOT...i just disregard her opinions on this topic now but how can i get her to stop being this way?

 

[Blenheim]

I''m so sorry that she''s treating you this way. I think Virginia''s right about her not wanting to lose you. It seems like she''s been having other problems with letting go, like getting hurt if you call your apartment "home."

 

[decodelighted]

I think its very telling that all his "flaws" as listed by her are so

A) superficial (thin hair??)
b) changeable (clothes .. braces)

RUN DOWN THE AISLE WITH HIM!!! HE'S A KEEPER!!!!! Believe me, if there was ANYTHING ELSE "wrong" with him, she'd sniff it out!

We get to choose our mates, not our MOTHERS!

Chances are she's always been a little shallow, you just didn't notice it as much - because THIS time it HURTS. You love him so criticism of him SMARTS.

You can't really do anything about her behavior - except disregard her opinion and don't allow yourself to be sucked in by her negativity. A TRAINED THERAPIST would have a tough time with her -- don't expect you saying you're "hurt" will cut the mustard.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself & him IN THE MOMENT though! And your other family members too. If she "gets away with it" she'll continue & more so!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/17/2006 2:35:12 PM
Author: decodelighted
I think its very telling that all his ''flaws'' as listed by her are so

A) superficial (thin hair??)
b) changeable (clothes .. braces)

RUN DOWN THE AISLE WITH HIM!!! HE''S A KEEPER!!!!! Believe me, if there was ANYTHING ELSE ''wrong'' with him, she''d sniff it out!

We get to choose our mates, not our MOTHERS!

Chances are she''s always been a little shallow, you just didn''t notice it as much - because THIS time it HURTS. You love him so criticism of him SMARTS.

You can''t really do anything about her behavior - except disregard her opinion and don''t allow yourself to be sucked in by her negativity. A TRAINED THERAPIST would have a tough time with her -- don''t expect you saying you''re ''hurt'' will cut the mustard.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself & him IN THE MOMENT though! And your other family members too. If she ''gets away with it'' she''ll continue & more so!

I completely agree with this!!! The only "red flags" your mom came up with are superficial and changeable! And whether or not they should be changed is none of her business!!!

I definitely think you have a keeper... the important qualities are there, including the most... that you love him. Your mom sounds very shallow. Make yourself happy, it may be impossible to ever make her happy.

As for the other stuff, if it doesn''t bother him or you, then I don''t see a problem with it. My BF needs braces AGAIN, and so do I... both for jaw structure problems... but we''ve decided against them for now because 1) we can''t afford them and 2) the amount of good they would do has yet to be determined. She can''t go and diagnose his orthodontic issues or switch his shampoo.

 

[rainbowtrout]

well....my mom sort of has the same problem. She fusses at both of us re:clothes, etc, but I think it may be because she''s quasi-parented him since he hit puberty. She did say "well, too bad he isn''t taller" when I told her we were engaged, though!

So no, I don''t think a mother finding little things is abnormal. What I do think is strange is the fact that your mother can''t recognize this in herself and control it. Perhaps your father could speak to her?

 

[froufrou]

yeah..the letting go thing seems to make the most sense...she did this to me too back in like Jr High would tell my that my girl friends were not my "true" friends and i can only really trust family and i shouldnt be too close to them or tell them my secrets..hah. it is just so weird for her to be coming up with these lame reasons..that''s true though that must mean he has nothing major wrong with him if what she comes up with is silly!! good! too bad all the "mean" things she has to say in a "nice" voice when i know she is being totally rude but she thinks if she says those things with a smile and then hugs me like that is going to make what she says okay.

the other problem is my boyfriend is my best friend so after i come back from talking to my mom i always complain about her to him which is not a good idea since now he thinks when we get married he will have crazy in laws~! so i really gotta stop doing that...or else our engagement will get pushed back by like 10 years haha

 

[rainbowtrout]

it sounds like she is pretty passive-agressive and covert about the whole thing...this is pretty crappy behavior. are you her only child? (sorry if this was answered earlier)

 

[jesterjigger]

I would ignore it since the things she''s mentioning aren''t even important to you as far as needing them fixed. She''s probably going to have trouble letting go, so be sensitive to her needs when it comes to the actual wedding, you don''t want her causing problems for your big day due to some insecurities...maybe she just needs some reassurance that you''ll always be her baby girl. Are you an only child? I would imagine that would make it worse too.

 

[froufrou]

HA...NO, i am not her only child. My younger sister is 16 and gets treated completely differently. She never really talks to my mom or "hangs out" with her like I used to for my whole life, she is closer to my dad. She disregards any criticism my mom throws at her and basically tells her to her face that she is shallow and whatnot, so my mom doesn''t really bug her very often. Although my mom does complain about me to my sister, which is funny because my sister just relays all this info to me...telling my sis that i am an awful daughter and trying to make her promise that she will never move out for college.

Ahh..the wedding. i have touched on this subject with my mom a little bit earlier this year and she is convinced we should have the ceremony performed in Russian (we are from there but what gives...our whole family, extended relatives included, moved to the US about 14 ~ 20 years ago and everyone speaks english; we all have US citizenship and ive never been back to Russia since I was ...she also thinks we should have all russian food that she will cook because she thinks American food is disgusting...she will insist on Russian music...etc...that is just not ME, i am completely americanized and i will probably be able to compromise on some things for her but if she has her way i will HATE my wedding. she will try to make it into her day and probably insist on inviting her whole posse of russian friends and then i am sure her friends will outnumber my friends and our relatives combined and my mom will try to be the center of attention by wearing a tiny dress and dancing on the stage or something. my boyfriend and I were semi-seriously considering just eloping for this reason...the good news is I will be able to pay for it so i can just tell her, sorry, i am paying for it, its my day, etc.

i HAVE told her that just because i have a boyfriend does not mean that i am less close to her now. she gets upset that i listen to her opinions less often, but that is because she is making absurd comments! the funniest was when i went with my boyfriend to see his family over winter break and she asked me if i liked any of his mom''s cooking, so treading lightly i said i didnt enjoy it THAT much but it was alright, not as good as my mom''s cooking, but she kept pressuring me and asking what i liked the best or whatever, so i told her i''d liked the smoked ham they had...now she brings this up every week or so saying that i am trying to "replace" her with my boyfriend''s mom and saying she doesn''t understand how i could possibly have liked the smoked ham. im always just like mom calm down... why would she possibly think that i would like my boyfriend''s mom, who ive only met a couple times, more than i like her?? (and why would i suddenly start liking my boyfriend''s mom way better...just because i liked the ham she made for dinner...) she''s my MOM for gosh sakes. i do try to reassure her all the time about this but I think she feels like the only "real" reassurance would be if i take all her advice which I cannot do!!!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/17/2006 3:47:31 PM
Author: froufrou

Ahh..the wedding. i have touched on this subject with my mom a little bit earlier this year and she is convinced we should have the ceremony performed in Russian (we are from there but what gives...our whole family, extended relatives included, moved to the US about 14 ~ 20 years ago and everyone speaks english; we all have US citizenship and ive never been back to Russia since I was ...she also thinks we should have all russian food that she will cook because she thinks American food is disgusting...she will insist on Russian music...etc...that is just not ME, i am completely americanized and i will probably be able to compromise on some things for her but if she has her way i will HATE my wedding. she will try to make it into her day and probably insist on inviting her whole posse of russian friends and then i am sure her friends will outnumber my friends and our relatives combined and my mom will try to be the center of attention by wearing a tiny dress and dancing on the stage or something. my boyfriend and I were semi-seriously considering just eloping for this reason...the good news is I will be able to pay for it so i can just tell her, sorry, i am paying for it, its my day, etc.

I was totally thinking "prime candidate for destination wedding" (someplace NOT Russia) before I got to the part about you considering eloping. Maybe you should look into it. Someplace that IS you.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 4/17/2006 3:47:31 PM
Author: froufrou
why would she possibly think that i would like my boyfriend''s mom, who ive only met a couple times, more than i like her??

Just from what you said, I can think of at least one reason.

I don''t know much about Russian culture, but do young adults stay at home longer before moving out? How are they expected to act towards their parents? She might have grown up with one set of cultural expectations and you with another, and they''re clashing as you''re growing more independent. However, this doesn''t excuse her behavior. Your sister seems to have some success in standing up to her, and maybe you could try to do that more (in a slightly more tactful way).

 

[froufrou]

you would think Russian culture is different...it is true that typically in Russia when she was growing up there, many children would grow up and continue to live with parents, sometimes even after they got married and had kids of their own, because housing was very scarce and you had to be on a list with the government in order to get it (communism..). BUT my mom graduated HS early when she was 16, straightaway moved to a different COUNTRY from her parents, and basically only saw them once a year after that. so her expecting me to live at home at age 23 seems absurd... so it cant be the culture difference. its funny because she''s got some russian friends who give her advice and tell her that it is perfectly normal for me to want to be moved out and be independent, but she doesnt seem to "get it"...

 

[JenStone]

Wow! I''m so sorry about the problems you''re having with your mother. I thought I had it bad with parents who get too attached to my boyfriends. Maybe the fact that she moved out and became independent at such a young age makes her want the opposite for you? Did you go through a lot of hardships after she moved out?

 

[ilovesparkles]

WOW!

I don''t have these problems with my mom but I definitely understand being frustrated with other''s rude comments. Last week a classmate made a comment about how ugly a gap inbetween a person''s front teeth are. And was just going on and on about it. Well my BF has a little one and I was getting so pissed and tried to make a point about how you shouldn''t judge people but to no avail. I definitely think decodelighted hit it on the head. Good luck!

 

[Layne]

I didn''t read the whole thread for other suggestions but I think you should check out the book "Toxic Parents".
Good luck!

 

[meepcat]

Ya can''t blame your mom for having high standards. Also, maybe there''s some instinctive reaction your mom has to something that is latent to you now, but overt to her? My dad would tell me, "I *know* people, and I trust my gut feeling about them." He told me, "R is a nice guy, he takes care of you." Which is all I needed to hear as far as my dad''s approval (since my dad has little to say about anything, being a chronic cynic). I can''t argue with a 60 year old, and most certainly not one who mentored me up through now.

I had a similar situation, where my parents haven''t wanted to see my SO in the past year. I chalk it up to their issues, not mine, and certainly nothing to do with R. My dad has no problem with R, but my mom doesn''t like the idea of me "shacking up" with him without a clear intention (ie, engagement) to marry. No matter how much we''ve said it to her, she still doesn''t believe it. Therefore, they haven''t met R''s parents yet. And that adventure is being saved for the engagement phase.

Parents are quirky. You can know your SO like the back of your hand, but your parents, well, that''s like a child process having ownership over the parent. Ask any xhead.

 

[Mandarine]

wow...I don''t even know what to say...but you''ve gotten some good advice here already!.....I thought my BF''s mom was bad!

I think it has a lot to do with letting go. I was just used to seeing that more from a "mom-son" relationship....never from a "mom-daughter".

Like someone else said...you don''t get to choose your family...and I honestly don''t know how much "talking" would help here. It sounds like that''s the way she is and all you can really do is learn to live with it and drive her in the direction you want (without her really knowing it!

). Maybe she is just looking to be some what more involved and you can maybe can find a way to do that in a way that is not disruptive to your realtionship (which sounds like a good one)...that way you keep her happy and she might stay *away* from your business

.

Good luck!!

M~