My Mum isn''t coming to our wedding

[ozsparkle]

Sorry this is so long, and a bit of a vent.

To give you a brief background, my Mum and I are not the closest. Our relationship deteiorated when I was 18 and my parents split and my Mum kicked myself and my 2 sisters out of home for being in contact with our Dad. We didnt do anything at all wrong, but she had a mental and wouldnt even let us get our belongings. She changed the locks on the house and we didnt speak for close to a year. That was all a long time ago now but she has never admited to doing anything wrong or saying that she was sorry. It was all our fault for being in contact with our Dad. I feel like I have managed to get over this and have her in my life, but it has been with caution. She is a very difficult woman, and has no relationship with any of her family and always destroys her friendships as well.

Fast forward to yesterday, and I get a message from my sister saying that Mum told her that she didnt receive her invitation to our wedding. I find this hard to believe as I sent them all together, and everyone else got theirs but lets say I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I called Mum and asked her about this and she said that she wasnt coming anyway. She said
(or rather screamed!) that she didnt want to be a part of it as I hadnt included her in the planing. This is true, but I am the only one who makes an effort to try to maintain our relationship... I call/text/send cards on birthdays and she never does anything in return. I havnt had a call from her or a card in years!!!!! She has no interest in my life and doesnt realise it is a two way street. I was completely yelled and screamed at yesterday for being a horrible person and that she wants certain items back that she gave me years ago including a pair or diamond earings. I really dont care about the earings, but they were a gift not a loan. She says she needs the money which is rubbish.

At the beginig of the year was my Masters degree graduation. I had my Dad go to my Undergraduate grad and my Mum was invited to the Masters as they dont get along AT ALL. So I wanted to avoid a scene. My Mum said the day before that she would see if I can make it... and was playing games saying she would see how she felt on the morning and wouldnt commit. Dad didnt like this as he felt I should have support on such a special day so he just turned up. Mum was blackened with anger...and yelled at me in front of my whole class. I had enough and told her that it wasnt my fault Dad turned up and said I wouldnt put up with her nasty behaviour. This in another reason she says she isnt coming, because I am a terrible daughter and made her look bad in public on my graduation day. See this lack of perspective?!

Needless to say I am pretty sure I am dealing with mental illness here... no diagnosis as such, but her neurosies run deep. Luckily I have the support of my fiance, my best friend ,Dad, his wife and FI''s family. They know what she is like.

The sadest thing is I dont really care that much if she doesnt turn up. Its more that I feel like there is such an injustice in the way she treats me and I feel such pitty for her and her lonely life.

Is anyone else having probs with a family member not coming to their wedding?

 

[cindygenit]

No, i have no problems like yours but ozsparkle, I am SO SO sorry!!

It sounds like your mum might have a mental condition as you suspected!

(((hugs)))

 

[Kaleigh]

She''s mentally ill or it sounds like that from what you have written. My advice?? Take this time, and enjoy your wedding, drama free. Seriously.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I have been there... Time to do what you need to do for YOU...

 

[jcarlylew]

no advice, but *hugs*

 

[lulu66]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:36:18 AM
Author: jcarlylew
no advice, but *hugs*

+1

*HUGS*

 

[MagsyMay]

I''m so sorry to hear how terrible your mother has treated you. It sounds as though you''ve tried to accommodate her and stay in touch with her the best you can, to no avail. I would probably cease all contact with her, if I were you. She sounds toxic, selfish, and hurtful. Whether it''s mental illness or not, I haven''t a clue. You do not want someone like that around you on what is supposed to be YOUR special day. I have a feeling, one way or another, she would make your wedding be about HER or cause a scene to detract from your happy day. Surround yourself with the people who love you and wish you nothing but the best!

{{HUGS}}

 

[ozsparkle]

Thanks for your support girls. I''ve been thinking about it and even if she does have a mental illness it is no excuse for poor behavior. Im sure Im not the only one here who''s dealt with this kind of situation.

I Intend to have a wonderful day with my FI and the people around me who will be supportive and make it special. less than 2 weeks to go! 10/10/09!!!

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:44:41 AM
Author: MagsyMay
I''m so sorry to hear how terrible your mother has treated you. It sounds as though you''ve tried to accommodate her and stay in touch with her the best you can, to no avail. I would probably cease all contact with her, if I were you. She sounds toxic, selfish, and hurtful. Whether it''s mental illness or not, I haven''t a clue. You do not want someone like that around you on what is supposed to be YOUR special day. I have a feeling, one way or another, she would make your wedding be about HER or cause a scene to detract from your happy day. Surround yourself with the people who love you and wish you nothing but the best!

{{HUGS}}

+1

Dont let her ruin your happy occassion....later (much later) you can work on patching things up (if you have the desire
to do so).

 

[Morgie44]

I am so so sorry that you have had such a rocky relationship with your mother. I have had people in my life where, no matter what you do or what goes wrong, they make it out to be your fault and it is a terribly frustrating thing to live with. While I am sure it hurts not to have your mother''s support as you begin your new life, it may be for the best that you are surrounded by the people who love and support you and don''t have to worry about the drama of what your mom might do if she is there. Eithery way, sending you huge hugs!

 

[junebug17]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry, I know it must be so painful to have a mother like this, but unfortunately she is so mired in anger and bitterness that I don't think there's much you can do. You just can't win with a person like this. Quite frankly, you will probably have a better time at your wedding because you won't be worried she'll have a melt-down and create a scene. If she carried on at your graduation, she could do the same or worse at your wedding! Your mother has many issues and problems, and NONE of them are your fault. And unless she was willing to receive counseling and work out her issues (which I highly doubt, because she doesn't think she has any) she's just going to continue being a toxic miserable person, and you don't need someone that in your life.

I was married 25 years ago, and my father didn't attend my wedding. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why! Somewhat of a long story, but he was an alchoholic and drinking had taken it's toll on him by then. He said he didn't physically feel up to it, and my mother said he was embarrassed by how he looked (he had lost weight.) I think he might have been depressed as well, and the thought of interacting with all those people was just too much. Who knows...but you know what? I really wasn't that upset...we weren't close so it didn't bother me too much. I just focused on all my other family members and friends, and the fact I was getting married, and all of the wonderful things ahead of me and didn't dwell on my father not attending. You are young, educated and have your whole life ahead of you, so focus on all of the good things in your life and try not to be too upset about the situation with your mother. Oh, and I agree with the others, I would pull back and not make any more efforts with your mom, it's just not worth the emotional upsettment at this point. As tyty333 said, maybe at some point down the road you can try to have more of a relationship with her, but for now don't worry about it!

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:58:24 AM
Author: ozsparkle
Thanks for your support girls. I''ve been thinking about it and even if she does have a mental illness it is no excuse for poor behavior. Im sure Im not the only one here who''s dealt with this kind of situation.

I Intend to have a wonderful day with my FI and the people around me who will be supportive and make it special. less than 2 weeks to go! 10/10/09!!!

HI:

So sorry for your anguish. Mental illness affects families--have you spoken to a professional about your feelings? Sometimes that helps to put/keep things in perspective.

cheers--Sharon

 

[vc10um]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:58:24 AM
Author: ozsparkle


I Intend to have a wonderful day with my FI and the people around me who will be supportive and make it special. less than 2 weeks to go! 10/10/09!!!

That is an excellent attitude, and I hope that your wedding day is the best day of your life (so far)!!!

 

[Stone Hunter]

I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. People who refuse to see that their behavior is the reason for the public drama and humiliation are VERY hard to deal with. You will have a better drama free time without her there. And ditto to what junebug said below! Her behavior is not your fault.

All my sympathy!

Date: 9/29/2009 10:01:36 AM
Author: junebug17
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry, I know it must be so painful to have a mother like this, but unfortunately she is so mired in anger and bitterness that I don''t think there''s much you can do. You just can''t win with a person like this. Quite frankly, you will probably have a better time at your wedding because you won''t be worried she''ll have a melt-down and create a scene. If she carried on at your graduation, she could do the same or worse at your wedding! Your mother has many issues and problems, and NONE of them are your fault. And unless she was willing to receive counseling and work out her issues (which I highly doubt, because she doesn''t think she has any) she''s just going to continue being a toxic miserable person, and you don''t need someone that in your life.

I was married 25 years ago, and my father didn''t attend my wedding. To this day, I''m not entirely sure why! Somewhat of a long story, but he was an alchoholic and drinking had taken it''s toll on him by then. He said he didn''t physically feel up to it, and my mother said he was embarrassed by how he looked (he had lost weight.) I think he might have been depressed as well, and the thought of interacting with all those people was just too much. Who knows...but you know what? I really wasn''t that upset...we weren''t close so it didn''t bother me too much. I just focused on all my other family members and friends, and the fact I was getting married, and all of the wonderful things ahead of me and didn''t dwell on my father not attending. You are young, educated and have your whole life ahead of you, so focus on all of the good things in your life and try not to be too upset about the situation with your mother. Oh, and I agree with the others, I would pull back and not make any more efforts with your mom, it''s just not worth the emotional upsettment at this point. As tyty333 said, maybe at some point down the road you can try to have more of a relationship with her, but for now don''t worry about it!

 

[kama_s]

From your post, we can pretty much be sisters. My mother is exactly like that as well. I, too, was kicked out for talking to my father. She didn''t attend my undergrad convocation, and at the very last minute decided to come to my Masters. She kept flip-flopping about attending the wedding. For some weird reason, I had it in my head that the wedding would just not be complete without her, so I took all her crap for the months prior to the wedding. And guess what, I''ve cut her off permanently from my life (and this is 3 months post-wedding!) and hate that she''s in all my friggin wedding pictures.

So, let me tell you, it''s probably a good thing if she doesn''t come. You really don''t need all that negativity around you. *hug*

 

[Porridge]

I''m so sorry Oz, what an awful situation. You are absolutely right - from what I read here your mother is completely in the wrong and it is a gross injustice.

However...she''s clearly not going to change. Nothing you can do will influence that. All you can do is to make the resolution to not let her get to you, as difficult as that sounds. It is what it is. It is sad, but maybe it is better that she doesn''t come. You have a great attitude, so chin up and keep on appreciating the many wonderful people around you.

{HUGS}

 

[cleokizzy]

sorry to hear that you have to get that emotional bump specially when the wedding is so near!

i agree with everyone else is saying here - it would actually be better for you that she doesn''t attend because there IS a chance that she might create a scene on your wedding day.

now is just not the right time to start rebuilding a relationship that''s been broken for some time. there''s too many emotions (and not to mention the stress) that are at play specially within 2 weeks before the wedding day!

 

[DearBuddha]

On the one hand, I completely understand where you''re coming from. My father was usually absent from my life, despite the fact that we lived in the same house until I was 18. He never supported me in any thing I did, academically, socially, or financially, was closed off emotionally, and beyond that there were times when he was both verbally and physically abusive. As soon as I graduated college, I moved out and made the decision never to speak to him again. He died a year later, but before he died, he finally accepted that he was emotionally and mentally disturbed. That acceptance and admission went a long way in healing old wounds, and I was able to forgive him and move on.

So while I understand your pain and reluctance to deal with her, you have to understand that until she''s willing to admit she''s in the wrong and needs help, you will never have a relationship with her. At this point, it''s likely you don''t want one, and that''s understandable, but try not to forget that ultimately you''re dealing with a sick person.

I''m sending lots of mental hugs your way right now. It''s your wedding; enjoy it and try to be happy that you have so many wonderful, caring people as a support system. If your mother isn''t there, don''t sweat it. The people who matter and love you will always be there.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

My sister has a similar problem. Her MIL went a little crazy around the wedding. She banned her husband from coming b/c "someone needed to stay home and watch the house" ... she was paranoid and afraid "the people" were going to come and take it if they left.

They knew they would have to pay for the plane ticket & hotel anyways, b/c MIL didn''t have much money, nor was capable of booking anything herself. They tried to gently suggest that maybe she should just stay home, and then she got angry and sent my sister all sorts of threatening emails & phone calls in the middle of the night. They finally banned her. They took down their wedding website so she couldn''t get info, took them off the guest list (they were married on a gated island) and told the guard NOT to let anyone in. She also blocked her email, and started to unplug their phone at night. It got bad.

She didn''t make it, and didn''t ruin the wedding or anything. She needed help, mentally, but it was just sad that it came at a time that should have been joyful.

Sorry to hear about your pains!

 

[bee*]

I''m really sorry to hear that your mother is treating you so bad. It sounds like it would be more trouble than it''s worth if she came to the wedding.

 

[ozsparkle]

Cindy, Kaleigh, JCar, LuLu,tyty333, vc10um, StoneHunter,Bee---Thank you all for your thoughts and gestures of support. It''s at times like these that an outsiders perspective can really help. Your words help me to stop doubting myself, and realise that I dont own this problem, but my Mum does.

Magsy--- You are completely right!! She would make our special day about HER and cause a scene so I am starting to feel more positive about the situation.

Morgie44--- Im sorry that you have had people in you life as well who make everything your fault. Noone deserves this. And I guess you are right, on some level it does hurt that she doesnt want to support me in my new stage in life, but I do have a wonderful FI and other family and friends.

Junebug--- Everything you said resonated with me. You stated it perfectly, she is mired in anger and bitterness and there isnt much I can do. So I no longer intend on trying to reason with an unreasonable person- it just doent work. I laughed when you said she probably thinks she doesnt have any issues to get therapy for-- correct again!! Everyone else has the issues apparently! Im sorry you had problems with your Dad when you got married, but Im glad that you were able to enjoy yourself and focus on what was important and not hold any resentment towards him.

cankuk girl--- I havnt spoken to a professional about my feelings, but I think it is something I will do as I dont want to be poisoned by this later in life. My Mum has held onto grudges her whole life and has rotted from within. I dont want this for my future.

Karma S--- Sounds like we could be twins! Im so sorry you have had a rough run with your Mum too. Its a very deep wound that is inflicted when we are tossed aside by your own Mother, it goes against nature as they are supposed to be the ones to nurture and protect us. I also know that it teaches us to value the goodness in our lives and be mindful of our own actions as future Mothers.

Porridge--- It is a gross injustice and this is the most hurtful thing. I really dont like being misrepresented by her, even if it is in her own mind. I think perhaps it is a blessing that she wont be there.

CleoKizzy--- An emotion bump is exactly how it feels, you are right. I am glad however that my wedding isnt until Oct 10th so I will get the chance to regroup and feel settled with the situation over the next 1.5 weeks. At least it wasnt the day before! There are so many other things to keep me occupied right now so im going to concetrate on the positive things to come!

DearBuddha--- Im so sorry you had an unsupportive and abusive Father. Emotional abuse can be so destructive, but Im happly that you were able to forgive him and move on once he admitted his problems. I hope that this is something that I can do with my Mum as well, however I doubt she will ever take responsibility, as she always plays the victim and the victim is never in the wrong. I intend to move on even if she doesnt do this.

Amanda Rx--- Your sister doesnt deserve such threats and Im sorry she has had to deal with her MIL. Im glad that your sisters wedding was joyous despite her MIL''s behavior and absence.

ALL--- It has been so lovely getting such support from complete strangers, thank you all! I think for now I will focus on enjoying this magial time of anticipation as a fiancee and look at establishing something with her down the track.

 

[violet3]

Oh my god. I feel so badly for you after reading this thread. I think you are right that mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone so terribly. I am awfully sorry you are dealing wtih this, but the sad sad truth is that your day will be so much more enjoyable without your mother there. You''d be worrying about what she *might* do all night long.

(hugs)

 

[Bia]

Very sorry to hear you''re dealing with this

One thing I can''t imagine is having a mother like this. It must be devastating because, as you said, mothers are supposed to love and nurture. A mother who purposely hurts you must be sick to a degree, or just very, very angry as an individual - and that, you can''t magically fix.

You seem to have come to terms and I applaud you for being so strong. Best wishes to you and congratulations on your wedding

You deserve all the happiness in the world, so don''t let anyone, even moms, tell you any different.