More Drama at Work...

[Lauren8211]

So today, 2 co-workers and I were kind of complaining briefly about another woman we work with, about how she can be really rude sometimes. So one of the co-workers says to me, "Well no offense Lauren, it was how she was raised. She''s your religion, and they''re all rude and pushy people. Everyone one of you I''ve met has been this way." (This is NOT the first time she''s said something like this to me about my religion.)

So needless to say I was LIVID. No offense, BUT...??? How is that not offensive?? You just insulted my entire family! I told her to get away from my desk, and to not talk to me about this anymore.

I told my supervisor, and she was really upset and said she''d talk to said coworker. Now said coworker is gossiping about me, and won''t even look me in the eye. She''s told at least one other coworker.

Trying to keep this conversation not about the religion itself, but just about about hurtful people in the workplace. How do you deal with this? I feel like I''ve been made the bad person, when all I did was stand up for what I believe in. How can she say something so rude and hurtful, yet I''M the bad guy? I''m still upset and this happened like 4 hours ago. I''m really trying to stay strong on this one, I tend to be a little meek... but I KNOW I didn''t do anything wrong. I just hate having bad relationships with coworkers.

I''m so angry!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You have *every* right to feel hurt and angry. This woman is an idiot. I have been in the same situation as you (many times) so I know how much it burns. By best advice is to stay strong and remember that she is 100% wrong. Hopefully your boss will sit down with you both so you can work it out. She probably has no idea why you are offended or that she did something wrong. I personally would cut her off. Be professional of course but don''t go out of your way to socialize with her. We grow up but sometimes life is still middle school.

 

[sunnyd]

What?!?!

I hope they fire her a$$, that''s straight up racist.

"Every one of you I''ve met..." Are you kidding me? Sorry Lauren, I can''t even imagine what goes through people''s heads sometimes...

 

[Sabine]

I really hope that she is forced to go to some sort of sensitivity training or acceptance training because she needs to learn that what she said was wrong, and unfortunately, she probably won''t listen to just you. I''m sorry you had to deal with this.

 

[Lauren8211]

How do you even begin to repair that relationship? I mean, in my book, she''s done. I''ll be civil, because that''s just how I am, but right now when I''m near her I feel my blood pressure rising.

I seriously can''t believe that people say stuff like that, let alone THINK stuff like that. ESPECIALLY in the work place!

It took every ounce of.. uh.. courage I had just to say something. Now I have to quickly gather the remaining bits of it to try and not be intimidated by her.

 

[iluvcarats]

Well she''s met you....you''re not that way.
I would have gotten up and left, and not speak to her unless it is work related.
Sorry for your bad day.

 

[decodelighted]

Oh honey! Skip the anger ... go straight to PITY. That idiot is gonna sabotage her career before it even gets started. You can't go around saying things like that in the workplace even if you are stupidly prejudiced!

Funny that she blamed the other gal's upbringing ... does she realize where she surely got her OWN poisonous ideas?

Honestly ... getting angry at things like that gives them power they don't deserve. You know how ridiculous it is. And, hopefully now you realize that the person she's REALLY hurting in the long run, is herself.

 

[sunnyd]

I wouldn''t even try to repair it. You work with her, that''s all. Good for you for saying something though. That would not fly at my office...

 

[Lauren8211]

iluvcarats: I definitely will not be speaking to her unless it''s work related. I haven''t even had so much as an apology from her. I just hate that because I''m a sensitive person, and I rarely write people off, but... I really need to just do that.

deco: you''re so right.. i shouldn''t be mad. I shouldnt get worked up over people like her. Reading your statement on asking where she got HER poisonous ideas is something that I should have said when she said her words, but I was so in shock, that I wasn''t thinking to be clever. Now i have to have that "UGH! I wish i could have said THAT" regret for the rest of the day!

sunnyd: I think i will let this person go, and not bother repairing. I''m wondering what the end result of all this will be. I''m not sure what my supervisor did to handle it.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

That relationship is not worth repairing. When you have to deal with her, just keep the conversation work related. Any other conversation with her isn''t worth your time.

 

[TravelingGal]

Elle, you work with some winners for sure.

However, am I the only one who finds it ironic that this came about from a b*tch session about another coworker? You were partaking in some not-so-nice behavior yourself by talking about another coworker behind her back. Now you are finding out there is talk behind your back. Not cool eh?

I realize a racial/religious slur is probably a bit more inappropriate than a personality slur on the hierarchy of what you shouldn''t say. But in my unPC world, it''s all an insult to me.

To answer your question on how I handle stuff like that - well, in the corporate world I have long learned to keep my ears open and mouth shut as far as group b*tch sessions. And as to the specific insult you received, if I felt it was HR worthy, then I would go and report it and continue on with my working life - and probably not bother with that person anymore except on a professional level.

 

[princesss]

Don''t even try to repair it. It''s not worth it. At all.

Good for you for speaking up for what you believe in, by the way. Also good for you for not punching her in the face. I know I would have been really tempted.

I''m with Deco. This woman needs to be pitied. She''s only hurting herself in the long term.

I really want to shove one of my very pointy shoes in a very painful place.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:37:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Elle, you work with some winners for sure.

However, am I the only one who finds it ironic that this came about from a b*tch session about another coworker? You were partaking in some not-so-nice behavior yourself by talking about another coworker behind her back. Now you are finding out there is talk behind your back. Not cool eh?

I realize a racial/religious slur is probably a bit more inappropriate than a personality slur on the hierarchy of what you shouldn''t say. But in my unPC world, it''s all an insult to me.

To answer your question on how I handle stuff like that - well, in the corporate world I have long learned to keep my ears open and mouth shut as far as group b*tch sessions. And as to the specific insult you received, if I felt it was HR worthy, then I would go and report it and continue on with my working life - and probably not bother with that person anymore except on a professional level.

It''s been an interesting week at work, to say the least.

I see your point about the "gossip" aspect of it, and yes maybe I shouldn''t have been saying anything, but it''s not like I was tearing this womans life apart. I simply told someone a story about what she did (She was the one who called me the wrong name, and I was upset about it). I didn''t make any assumptions about her, or even attack her personally, I just said to them what I said to her, that I was insulted that she didn''t know my name, and thought it was rude. So, I guess it wasn''t really behind her back, since she already knows what I said. Also, I didn''t insult anyones entire family or religion. I definitely think a bit of office gossip is on a completely different scale than blasting an entire religion. Point taken though, TGal.

I''ll leave HR out of it unless it continues. I''d be surprised if she had the nerve to say anything AGAIN.

 

[somethingshiny]

She''s definitely wrong.

I know it''s probably too early, but you''re going to need to forgive her. People like her don''t care if you''re hurt, so you need to forgive her for your own well-being.

 

[dragonfly411]

I do agree that talking behind someone''s back is not ok. But she also related you TO the other person, and made a generalization about your religion, and that is not ok at all, that is far worse, and I hope it can be resolved. She does need to learn tolerance.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:45:52 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 9/24/2008 4:37:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Elle, you work with some winners for sure.

However, am I the only one who finds it ironic that this came about from a b*tch session about another coworker? You were partaking in some not-so-nice behavior yourself by talking about another coworker behind her back. Now you are finding out there is talk behind your back. Not cool eh?

I realize a racial/religious slur is probably a bit more inappropriate than a personality slur on the hierarchy of what you shouldn''t say. But in my unPC world, it''s all an insult to me.

To answer your question on how I handle stuff like that - well, in the corporate world I have long learned to keep my ears open and mouth shut as far as group b*tch sessions. And as to the specific insult you received, if I felt it was HR worthy, then I would go and report it and continue on with my working life - and probably not bother with that person anymore except on a professional level.

It''s been an interesting week at work, to say the least.

I see your point about the ''gossip'' aspect of it, and yes maybe I shouldn''t have been saying anything, but it''s not like I was tearing this womans life apart. I simply told someone a story about what she did (She was the one who called me the wrong name, and I was upset about it). I didn''t make any assumptions about her, or even attack her personally, I just said to them what I said to her, that I was insulted that she didn''t know my name, and thought it was rude. So, I guess it wasn''t really behind her back, since she already knows what I said. Also, I didn''t insult anyones entire family or religion. I definitely think a bit of office gossip is on a completely different scale than blasting an entire religion. Point taken though, TGal.

I''ll leave HR out of it unless it continues. I''d be surprised if she had the nerve to say anything AGAIN.

It was behind her back, regardless of whether she knows what you are saying. You are spreading the story around. Much like what your coworker is doing to you now. I am guessing you know what she is saying and you already know she is lame enough to say racist things to your face.

I''m not saying this to be mean spirited. It''s just my two cents that simple office gossip often has a way of getting out of control - or at the very least hurting people''s feelings. Not to say we''re all not guilty of it from time to time, but trust me - cut it down to a minimum and you''ll be happier. I just digest what I hear and then tell my husband about it (he loves to hear the juicy stuff) and I find venting to him is just so much safer. I also have also found that when you don''t have a reputation for talking, you actually end up hearing the REALLY important stuff...company goings-on from the boss. Being the boss'' confidant (because s/he knows my mouth stays shut) has actually saved my well being in the company in my past.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:55:30 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/24/2008 4:45:52 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 9/24/2008 4:37:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Elle, you work with some winners for sure.

However, am I the only one who finds it ironic that this came about from a b*tch session about another coworker? You were partaking in some not-so-nice behavior yourself by talking about another coworker behind her back. Now you are finding out there is talk behind your back. Not cool eh?

I realize a racial/religious slur is probably a bit more inappropriate than a personality slur on the hierarchy of what you shouldn''t say. But in my unPC world, it''s all an insult to me.

To answer your question on how I handle stuff like that - well, in the corporate world I have long learned to keep my ears open and mouth shut as far as group b*tch sessions. And as to the specific insult you received, if I felt it was HR worthy, then I would go and report it and continue on with my working life - and probably not bother with that person anymore except on a professional level.

It''s been an interesting week at work, to say the least.

I see your point about the ''gossip'' aspect of it, and yes maybe I shouldn''t have been saying anything, but it''s not like I was tearing this womans life apart. I simply told someone a story about what she did (She was the one who called me the wrong name, and I was upset about it). I didn''t make any assumptions about her, or even attack her personally, I just said to them what I said to her, that I was insulted that she didn''t know my name, and thought it was rude. So, I guess it wasn''t really behind her back, since she already knows what I said. Also, I didn''t insult anyones entire family or religion. I definitely think a bit of office gossip is on a completely different scale than blasting an entire religion. Point taken though, TGal.

I''ll leave HR out of it unless it continues. I''d be surprised if she had the nerve to say anything AGAIN.

It was behind her back, regardless of whether she knows what you are saying. You are spreading the story around. Much like what your coworker is doing to you now. I am guessing you know what she is saying and you already know she is lame enough to say racist things to your face.

I''m not saying this to be mean spirited. It''s just my two cents that simple office gossip often has a way of getting out of control - or at the very least hurting people''s feelings. Not to say we''re all not guilty of it from time to time, but trust me - cut it down to a minimum and you''ll be happier. I just digest what I hear and then tell my husband about it (he loves to hear the juicy stuff) and I find venting to him is just so much safer. I also have also found that when you don''t have a reputation for talking, you actually end up hearing the REALLY important stuff...company goings-on from the boss. Being the boss'' confidant (because s/he knows my mouth stays shut) has actually saved my well being in the company in my past.

I don''t have a reputation for talking, in fact, I''m so quiet here people don''t even remember my name.

I was just pretty upset about it so I said something. My reputation here is actually FOR staying out of the drama. I rarely know whats going on.

I admitted it was wrong, and I do see your point. Still doesn''t excuse her anti-semitism.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/24/2008 5:01:40 PM
Author: elledizzy5

I don''t have a reputation for talking, in fact, I''m so quiet here people don''t even remember my name.

I was just pretty upset about it so I said something. My reputation here is actually FOR staying out of the drama. I rarely know whats going on.

I admitted it was wrong, and I do see your point. Still doesn''t excuse her anti-semitism.

No, it absolutely does not.

And that is great...keep your reputation that way! As you have discovered, mo-fo''s abound in the workplace!!!

 

[purrfectpear]

I think your co-worker needs to find a predominately protestant law firm to work in since she thinks jews are so pushy. I wish her luck with that. Can you say "hostile workplace"

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 9/24/2008 5:55:40 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think your co-worker needs to find a predominately protestant law firm to work in since she thinks jews are so pushy. I wish her luck with that. Can you say ''hostile workplace''

Bwahaha. Good luck to her! I''d like to see her find one that would even accept her b.s.

elle, off topic, your kitty looks EXACTLY like mine! She''s so cute!

 

[miraclesrule]

Listen to Traveling Gal. If there is one thing that I never quite learned, until today, it''s keep your mouth shut. It''s true that every company has it''s humdingers, and it is also true that sometimes a job at a particular employer just isn''t worth keeping if you aren''t a good match. Different industries can be like night and day in the workplace behavior.

But I will tell you that it''s hard. It is very hard to work in toxic environments and that is what they are if it''s a mismatch. It can be a lot like being in the wrong relationship. There are also some people that will be insulting and rude, whether intentional or our of ignorance.

When someone makes a comment like that, it is wise to respond vs. react. It''s very hard to do in situations like that, but it is also an opportunity to hone whatever skills would help rectify the situation.

There are times, and there are people, that you will never be able to "get along" with and sometimes it is inexplicable.

I''m sorry you were insulted in such a way, but it the grand scheme of things...trust me...it could be much worse.

 

[movie zombie]

stating the obvious: its best not to talk about other coworkers with other coworkers in the workplace.........if the original conversation hadn''t happened, well, you''d never have had to make this post. i know its not easy to not have such conversations and i''m not condoing what the other woman said to you. i''ve been accused of being aloof because i wouldn''t take part in such a conversation but i''ll take that fallout over what you''re dealing with now.

you say you have a reputation for remaining above such things: cultivate that reputation. although she was out of line, imo you''ll just have to deal with it because the original conversation was also out of line. keep your head high, look everyone in the eye, remember that we all make mistakes, don''t beat yourself up over this one, and that pricescope venting is a virtue. this is just another bump in the road that 20 years from now won''t even register on your radar. chalk it up to just another of life''s reminders that sometimes its best just not to say anything. easier said than done, i know! but if you conduct yourself with respect and dignity, people will see her for what she is: a gossip and troublemaker.

i think you were very assertive when you told her to get away from your desk and not to talk to you about this anymore. you have a right to set limits. interact with her only as work requires.

movie zombie

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:13:44 PM
Author:elledizzy5
So today, 2 co-workers and I were kind of complaining briefly about another woman we work with, about how she can be really rude sometimes. So one of the co-workers says to me, ''Well no offense Lauren, it was how she was raised. She''s your religion, and they''re all rude and pushy people. Everyone one of you I''ve met has been this way.'' (This is NOT the first time she''s said something like this to me about my religion.)

So needless to say I was LIVID. No offense, BUT...??? How is that not offensive?? You just insulted my entire family! I told her to get away from my desk, and to not talk to me about this anymore.

I told my supervisor, and she was really upset and said she''d talk to said coworker. Now said coworker is gossiping about me, and won''t even look me in the eye. She''s told at least one other coworker.

Trying to keep this conversation not about the religion itself, but just about about hurtful people in the workplace. How do you deal with this? I feel like I''ve been made the bad person, when all I did was stand up for what I believe in. How can she say something so rude and hurtful, yet I''M the bad guy? I''m still upset and this happened like 4 hours ago. I''m really trying to stay strong on this one, I tend to be a little meek... but I KNOW I didn''t do anything wrong. I just hate having bad relationships with coworkers.

I''m so angry!!!

I MAY GET SOME FLAMES FOR THIS UNPOPULAR VIEW...we know that the relationship isnt an easy repair job and she should be pitied after the anger subsides...but...it might be a good thing to have one last converstion...a bit of a patch job so you can have some damage control...if the talk and gossip gets out of hand then the problems could grow and spread and office staff members dont need this stress and it could affect your other office relationships.Tell her that you were hurt by her comments and that it would be benificial to you both to get along and not discuss this with any other office members...you have to be the bigger person in this situation for your good at the office...you dont have to be friends just civil...goodluck.

 

[Po10472]

Hiya. Work would be fine if we didn''t have to deal with people but sadly life isn''t just that kind.

You have been the victim of predjudice within the workplace based on your religiion, belief and ethnicity. Individuals like your colleague will continue to poison the air around them with their bile and hatred and by standing up to her you have highlighted the problems she has and the potential issues which could arise in the future. You are powerless to do anything about people like this outside, but not in the workplace. You have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.

I am an HR professional and my advice to you would be to note the conversation for you records should you need it in the future. Take a note of the date, time, who was present, what was said and how it made you feel. Then record the relationship between the two of you in the coming weeks and months. Have a look at your companies policies on dignity at work and grievance procedures and read through them, you may or may not need them in the future. You do not have to take any formal action unless you want to but irrespective of whether you do or not, keep a note, not just on this occasion but all occasions.

If your colleague chooses to behave like a petulant teenager then let them, you need to remain professional and tactful at all times. Water cooler conversations will always take place and I wouldn''t get drawn into them cos one day it will be your turn to be the topic of choice.

Chin up.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 9/25/2008 2:18:34 AM
Author: Po10472
Hiya. Work would be fine if we didn''t have to deal with people but sadly life isn''t just that kind.

You have been the victim of predjudice within the workplace based on your religiion, belief and ethnicity. Individuals like your colleague will continue to poison the air around them with their bile and hatred and by standing up to her you have highlighted the problems she has and the potential issues which could arise in the future. You are powerless to do anything about people like this outside, but not in the workplace. You have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.

I am an HR professional and my advice to you would be to note the conversation for you records should you need it in the future. Take a note of the date, time, who was present, what was said and how it made you feel. Then record the relationship between the two of you in the coming weeks and months. Have a look at your companies policies on dignity at work and grievance procedures and read through them, you may or may not need them in the future. You do not have to take any formal action unless you want to but irrespective of whether you do or not, keep a note, not just on this occasion but all occasions.

If your colleague chooses to behave like a petulant teenager then let them, you need to remain professional and tactful at all times. Water cooler conversations will always take place and I wouldn''t get drawn into them cos one day it will be your turn to be the topic of choice.

Chin up.

well stated.

movie zombie

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I''m sorry Elle, that stinks...

... but at least she got your name right!

 

[Lauren8211]

Whew! Point taken! I will go back into my reclusive state and NO MORE GOSSIP! No more!!

However, the comment would have happened at some point because she''s said similar things to me before. This is not the first time this happened with her. Thats why I felt it necessary to say something to my supervisor.

But like you said, at least they got my name right.

Also, I''m not the type of person to be rude to her just because she''s rude. I''ll definitely be civil. I''m not the eye-rolling, snotty attitude type. It remains to be seen how she will act.

Thanks for the advice, PSers!

 

[elle_chris]

I''ve read all the responses in this thread and tried to stay out.. but-
I don''t believe having a conversation about how someone can be rude, and having racial comments thrown at you are anywhere near the same thing.

Saying someone is rude is a far cry from making comments about
a persons race/religion or ethnicity.

Water cooler convos happen. Of course it''s obvious that we should stay out of them. But honestly, most of us have succumbed to insulting a coworker. What most of us DON''T do is mix that in with nasty racial comments.

I agree with Po10472- document and include everything. I would aslo go straight to HR about it. Let them deal with her.

Honestly, I don''t consider a random insult about a persons personality, the same thing as random insult about a persons race, religion or ethnicity.
While both are wrong, we have laws against racial slurs in the workplace. We don''t have laws against calling someone rude.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/25/2008 11:02:39 AM
Author: elle_chris
I''ve read all the responses in this thread and tried to stay out.. but-

I don''t believe having a conversation about how someone can be rude, and having racial comments thrown at you are anywhere near the same thing.


Saying someone is rude is a far cry from making comments about

a persons race/religion or ethnicity.


Water cooler convos happen. Of course it''s obvious that we should stay out of them. But honestly, most of us have succumbed to insulting a coworker. What most of us DON''T do is mix that in with nasty racial comments.


I agree with Po10472- document and include everything. I would aslo go straight to HR about it. Let them deal with her.


Honestly, I don''t consider a random insult about a persons personality, the same thing as random insult about a persons race, religion or ethnicity.

While both are wrong, we have laws against racial slurs in the workplace. We don''t have laws against calling someone rude.

Thanks for saying something Elle, I was really starting to feel like people thought I deserved the comment because I gossiped a bit. (Yes, I''m that sensitive) I get their point, I really should stay out of the gossip, but I really don''t think it''s anywhere near on the same level as insulting someone in that way. No one should ever say something like that about someones religion or race.

 

[littlelysser]

I agree completely with Elle Chris.

Should you have been gossiping, well, no. But it isn''t legally actionable.

Discriminating against someone or creating a hostile work environment based upon a person''s religion or race is legally prohibited.

I agree that if you are uncomfortable with what happened, you should go to HR and tell them about what happened.

But be prepared for the consequences. This woman may be terminated or severely reprimanded for what she did. I don''t tell you that to keep you from saying anything, but just to prepare you.

I was an associate at a large law firm when a senior associate "jokingly" set another associate an offensive, racist, email. I do think it was meant as a joke (a horrible and utterly inappropriate joke), but the associate that received it was really offended. Long story short, it went up and down the chain of command in one day and the senior associate was fired ON THE SPOT. The associate that received the email felt really bad about the fact that the other guy got fired...which he totally shouldn''t have...but I just wanted to let you know that your office place might take drastic measures.