Money being the ONLY reason?

[hisspecialk]

If your SO told you that the ONLY reason he hadn''t proposed was because he knew he couldn''t afford the ring you wanted . . would you offer to help?

 

[sunnyd]

Yes. And I did.

 

[hisspecialk]

Was he ok with it? Did you have to talk him into it or anything?
My SO has hinted around that that was the reason. . but I feel like it might be. . . .i don''t know insulting to him if i am offering to help pay for my own ring. .. =(

 

[purselover]

Yes, or I would go without a ring or get a very inexpensive one, (or in my case use my mom''s.) In my mind money for a ring isn''t a reason not to get married.

 

[Mobinvera]

I offered to help pay even though it wasn''t an issue. I just felt like I should offer since it was such a large amount of money. He refused but appreciated the gesture.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/6/2010 2:02:21 PM
Author: hisspecialk
Was he ok with it? Did you have to talk him into it or anything?
My SO has hinted around that that was the reason. . but I feel like it might be. . . .i don''t know insulting to him if i am offering to help pay for my own ring. .. =(

It took some talking and convincing. I had to be sure that that was the ONLY reason, and it was. I would have been perfectly happy if he''d proposed sans ring, but he wanted to have something to show off to people when we announced our engagement.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I saw your other thread about your conversation with your SO. Honestly, I think at this point you two should sit down and have a talk about finances. Maybe go see a financial planner together to get a good feel for your situation and how much you can really afford. If you two are paying for the wedding yourselves, I think it makes sense to consider the cost of the ring as part of the overall budget of the wedding. You mentioned in your other thread that the average wedding in CA costs $35,000. Is that how much you anticipate spending? Are you planning to pay for the wedding yourselves, or will your parents be helping? If you don''t have help, then money you spend on your wedding is money that you as a couple can''t spend on a downpayment for a house or a new car or a vacation.

Once you''ve got that sorted out, then you''ll have a better idea of how much the two of you can spend on your ring and whether you should help out.

 

[karpouzi]

If I really had my heart set on a particular ring, I might bring up getting the setting and a placeholder CZ and upgrading to a diamond down the road when we could afford it. Or I might offer to pay for the setting and let him get the diamond. Somehow that seems less damaging to the ego than outright giving him money or pooling money to buy the whole ring.

 

[HopeDream]

I offered to pay half and he turned me down, Then I offered again a few months later and we compromised that he buys the diamond and I buy the setting.
(for when the time comes - not sure he''s fully ready to ask yet, though he has spoken about "at our wedding ....")

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/6/2010 2:14:06 PM
Author: KittyGolightly
I saw your other thread about your conversation with your SO. Honestly, I think at this point you two should sit down and have a talk about finances. Maybe go see a financial planner together to get a good feel for your situation and how much you can really afford. If you two are paying for the wedding yourselves, I think it makes sense to consider the cost of the ring as part of the overall budget of the wedding. You mentioned in your other thread that the average wedding in CA costs $35,000. Is that how much you anticipate spending? Are you planning to pay for the wedding yourselves, or will your parents be helping? If you don't have help, then money you spend on your wedding is money that you as a couple can't spend on a downpayment for a house or a new car or a vacation.


Once you've got that sorted out, then you'll have a better idea of how much the two of you can spend on your ring and whether you should help out.

Good point, Kitty! I also want to say that while I find absolutely NOTHING wrong with contributing toward the cost of a ring, would you consider moving forward with a very modest ring, with the possibility of upgrading later? I am in MOUNDS of debt from student loans, which is why my husband and I chose a reasonable ring (it is lovely, but we paid only what we knew we could afford) and chose to elope for a wedding/honeymoon instead of having a large wedding. I am so grateful that we did, because I can't imagine starting our marriage off with, to use your example, $35,000 in debt on top of my loans. My loans have caused enough stress on their own, and finances are commonly the leading point of conflict in a new marriage!

 

[hisspecialk]

@ Kitty. . I do NOT want to spend anywhere near that on a wedding!! He is the one who wants to invite EVERYONE and their mother with a few of her friends!

that's HOUSE money. .. to me.

and I agree with you. I would like to speak with a professional - not necessarily about wedding planning and budgeting but just combining money period.

@Karpouzi. . I like that idea.. i do not mind having a placeholder. .

I am looking forward to this trip and time to talk and make some concrete decisions. . and of course come back and share with you guys

You guys are all so kind!

HOW DO I QUOTE SOMEONE!!!???

 

[Indylady]

I would chose an inexpensive ring. I''d still be thrilled.

 

[hisspecialk]

i am not sure what everyone''s price range is for a ring. . but i didn''t think mine was expensive =( uh. . could be wrong tho. . lol it''s 2500.00 . . . . .its not big and extravagant. . . .PLUS he is a little ticky about the size of the diamond himself. . saying "1 ct looks small". .. lol

 

[elrohwen]

To quote Sunny - "Yes. And I did."

He ended up paying for it himself since we inherited the stone and just needed a setting. If we had to pay for the stone too, I would've absolutely paid for a decent portion of it.

eta: I see engaged people money as "our" money. If we're going to get married, any money we have is pretty much joint anyway. I don't see the point of the man having to pay for the ring when we're jointly getting married.

 

[LadyJane83]

K,

The issue about the expense of the wedding came up with my SO. Sit down and have a talk about it, make sure you are on the same page.

I think not getting married b/c you can''t afford a 30K wedding or a 10K ring (or whatever) is stupid. I''m not saying this is your situation, but I have seen/heard this a lot lately from friends and others. Yes, you should ideally have some money and otherwise be "ready" for marriage. I have a (male) friend who makes six figures who stresses about asking his gf to get married b/c it is "expensive." It doesn''t have to be that way!

To quote someone, after your reply screen pops up, press the second tab on the left, above the toolbar, that says "quote."

 

[hisspecialk]

for now tho. . i am content. I have assurance of his intentions to marry me and have a family with me

we are celebrating our 2 years with dinner tonight

and getting ready for a trip that we are both excited about and looking forward to.

I will drop this ring business (FOR NOW). . lol

me =

 

[anela]

Yes, I offered to contribute since what I want is beyond what he expected to pay. I told him that I''ll pay the difference if the ring happens to be over his budget. However, what I learned is that it''s not so much the money aspect, but his desire to get me exactly what I want, on his own, even if it means he has to make some sacrifices and I have to wait longer. I think that in the end, the ring will have more significance. It will represent his desire and ability to provide for me and his efforts to make me happy. Also, I could only imagine how much more I''ll appreciate this ring after waiting a long time and knowing he wanted to get it for me and make me happy.

 

[RaiKai]

He asked me without a ring (other than a text message ring..ha!). And, after, I decided I did not want one either at the time. We both have living expenses, as well as student loan debts (mine), previous common-law separation debt (his) and so on. We were paying for our own wedding, and my husband has recently taken early retirement from the military so we are just on my income for a while. So, finances were an issue. Plus we had a short engagement. He was willing to buy one...but I just could not see the reason for it at the time. We were still engaged without it!

I have never really seen the purpose I guess of needing an engagement ring or the need for a man (who is usually the proposer) to "prove" his desire to get married by spending money. Other than its the fantasy that many of us are brought up to believe in. It''s not like the old days where women could not work and needed to jump from one provider (father) to another (husband) only after being assured he could provide (ring was proof)....and we all know in this day and age that the future can be very uncertain (even without divorce, there is death, bankruptcy, job loss, that can make it risky to rely on anyone as the only provider...). And, most couples today pay for their own wedding in whole or part, the brides family is not often on the hook anymore (which was their "exchange" for the groom buying the ring)...and even often already share many finances - and will be after they are married - so what is the point in the proposer paying entirely (or at all) for the ring?

Never mind that even the engagement ring itself does not have that lengthy of a history, and is not common in all cultures (many have a one-ring where both wear a ring on one hand before marriage and transfer it to other after, etc or no-ring approach). The best thing about "tradition" is that it is not a rule...it can always be amended and changed. Including by amending it so that both people can pay for a ring (and many today do). I have seen more couples come up with shared plans to pay for a ring, or to pay for a ring for the man as well, or to skip rings altogether and put it toward a house or a vacation.

Now that we are married, I am getting an "engagement" ring and matching band as I have had some problems with my current wedding band. I do like wearing a ring, even if it was not received in the "traditional way". I am officially paying for it out of my tax return, it is definitely not expensive compared to the usual around here (and no diamond) but really, we live together and are married so it comes out of the same pot in the end. It works for my husband and I to do it that way. And it all balances out in how we arranged our own finances for now and the future. Our wedding was also done on a small budget - but believe me it was amazing and we would not change a thing about it even if we had many times the budget.

I do think that it is good to want to be financially stable before getting married (and you really should have discussed finances in great detail including what you have, what you don''t and your general plans, goals and attitudes towards finances), however, I don''t think not having the money for a ring as a reason not to propose is odd. I know women who accepted proposals made with toothpicks, straws and flowers (most upgraded down the road...but kept the original!).

So, that was a rather long off-side rant and tangent about how....you do not need a ring to propose, you do not have to do it in any certain way and there is nothing wrong with helping to pay for a ring if you do want one.

 

[babycush]

I''ll bring up something nobody has said yet...

Saying that money is what''s holding him back could be a cover for a different reason. Waiting for a promotion (like my man!!), waiting to get a raise, waiting to finish school, to move, for summer to start, whatever. I think blaming it on money may be easier for some men than delving into a deeper conversation.

Just something to consider.

 

[princessplease]

Yes, and like sunny, I did.

 

[speechie]

I offered and he said no... and i''m pretty sure he hasn''t started saving yet

 

[hisspecialk]

Date: 4/6/2010 5:32:09 PM
Author: babycush
I''ll bring up something nobody has said yet...

Saying that money is what''s holding him back could be a cover for a different reason. Waiting for a promotion (like my man!!), waiting to get a raise, waiting to finish school, to move, for summer to start, whatever. I think blaming it on money may be easier for some men than delving into a deeper conversation.

Just something to consider.

Wow. . .. Babycush! You are right I hadn''t thought of that. He has drilled in me to trust and believe him and his intention is to marry me and not have me waiting forever and I believe him. . .. however. .. in the past (oooh a bad word- i hate to even bring it up) there have been times where he would avoid a topic if he felt that I would not respond well to it. .. . I believe he has moved past that because since then he has told me plenty of things that i know he KNEW i wouldn''t respond well to . . . lol

Needless to say now I want to ask.. but as i stated a few posts back .. I am going to let go and enjoy this anniversary trip, because it''s not like we get 4 uninterrupted days very often (he has a twin brother) who calls him all the time. . shoo they call each other all the time and the brother is married. . anyway .. that''s another thread. . .

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

Ok .. looking at speechie''s response. . I am wondering how involved do you get. .. she said she is sure he hasn''t even saved. . .do you offer to help with that aspect too?? lol I can be a bit of a control freak if ya let me. . .i am definitely a saver . . .lol and my SO isn''t so much.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

If you are comfortable with where you are now and where you are moving to I''d only offer to contribute if you truly would contribute and wouldn''t feel bad if he did take you up on the offer.

I offered to contribute - my DH declined my offer as he felt it was his duty to get this for me.

Money is often used as a very comfortable excuse to drag out getting engaged but there are many times where it is a very real roadblock to becoming engaged. If you are open and honest with your man, you needn''t worry.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

My SO and I live together, have joint accounts, etc. ...we''re planning on paying for the ring together anyway. Yes, money is the only thing holding us back. The ring is important to both of us, I have suggested compromising on the ring I want for now, but SO knows I will be unhappy, so we''d rather just wait to make the purchase. AND if we can''t afford a ring, how can we afford a wedding? ...I''d rather wait a while to get the money ironed out and get the ring I want so I can look at it every day and know how hard we worked for what we want.

 

[speechie]

I have brought it up with him 2 times I think, once while talking about how a colleague of his and his wife saved for theirs. He feels that it is his duty to buy a ring, like pp mentioned about her BF. He may be saving, but replacing his old car takes a big bite out of his paychecks...

 

[Winks_Elf]

Instead of the traditional engagement ring and matching band, I''m getting a wide diamond wedding band. We''ve been engaged and married before, and I can tell you for my lifestyle, two rings and especially a high set ring are just not practical. I found myself constantly taking off my ring so that I didn''t bang it around, so a wide diamond band is perfect, and much more affordable. The cost? Under $700 for 1.03 carats of E/F princess cuts and rounds in 18k white!

 

[PumpkinPie]

my husband proposed without a ring as well - I have 5 fun stacking bands that I use as wedding rings.. but if that was truly the reason and it was important to me to have my dream ring, I would certainly offer to help, and expect him to take the help!

 

[lilyfoot]

I would gladly help pay, or just as gladly get engaged without a ring. It''s the man I want, not the ring. (Luckily I got both

)

 

[Daffodil]

I think if money were the only thing holding us back, I would suggest getting a less expensive ring. Because I know my SO''s income and budget, I have offered "suggestions" within that range. If my dream ring weren''t in his budget, I would probably just let him know my dream center stone (and be sure that WAS in his budget). If we had the means later in life, I might upgrade the setting using the same center stone.

All of that being said, I''m not opposed to helping pay the cost of the ring. In our particular situation, though, with me as a student, he is the current money maker. If the situation was different, I would gently offer financial assistance.

-Daffodil

 

[SAPHIRINA]

For us, money is an issue on its own (I have loads of student loans, he is just finishing up his graduate degree), but it didn''t stay in the way of our engagement and wedding this coming October. We both felt that even if our financial situation is not ideal at this time, it shouldn''t stop us from being a family. We felt that it doesn''t make much sense sorting out our own finances and postponing life, if we can just as easily (and more efficiently) do that together as a team.

From reading the forums, I gather that most people wait to get married until they have enough savings or pay off loans or what have you. I feel like we are the odd ones to not let these things stand in our way. We just can''t see the logic in waiting for me to pay off my loans on my own and him getting established in his career on his own, when we can help each other do these things.

He proposed with a placeholder ring that I am wearing while my engagement ring is getting custom made. The amount he spent on my engagement ring was what felt comfortable with given our situation. It was important to him to buy me what he can afford now, whether it is $10 or $10,000.00. And, I would just as readily accept his proposal, no matter what he spent on my ring.

To sum up, for us, money was not a reason to postpone engagement/marriage, even though we don''t have an ideal financial situation at this time.