Men. Confused.

[TooPatient]

Sorry for the vent. Just got to get it out.


Men.

How can they say we are hard to understand? Have they ever tried to talk to a man?


I was mentioning to FF (future fiance?? -- there really should be a thread somewhere dedicated to the short hand used) yesterday evening that I found a diamond that looks promising. I''m trying to keep him involved. (he was the one who suggested that I pick out the stones & setting). He asked the price. I told him $1700. He said "yikes" and then got really quiet. After awhile I mentioned that if he was uncomfortable with this or wasn''t ready yet we could wait. Of course he said that isn''t the problem.

What is the problem? He feels inadequate. He doesn''t know about diamonds (and doesn''t have any interest in them -- after all, they are just another mineral) and doesn''t feel that he could pick a good one even if he learned about them.
I reassured him that if he wanted to pick one I am sure it would be beautiful and I would love it.
He doesn''t want to pick one.
He also feels like he doesn''t make enough money and can''t afford what I deserve.
Reassured him again. It isn''t the size or expense that matters. I just want to be with him. (and I mean it -- as proved when 6 months ago I showed him a clearance ring that I would have been happy with - $800)

He wants to buy a diamond. When there is money to spend. What does he mean money to spend? He just spent $2,000 on tools this weekend and more to come. Plus a washing machine, freezer, and a few new windows. I know that it is all stuff that we needed. But he''s got a bonus (maybe) coming soon. A check from the insurance company any time. And a tax refund (at least according to my best estimates before sending the info to our tax guy). Plus another (large) tax refund coming after filing this years taxes.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
He is too practical. I''m practical too but sometimes it is frustrating to see everything else move up the list of things to do and my ring (and proposal) keep getting put off.


Why do men think that all we want is something huge to show our friends? And even if we do want to show our friends, so what? Isn''t the big TV and surround sound and giant barbeque the first thing people are showed when they come over?


Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would have to say that you have a lot of talking to do. Clearly your wires are crossed. Either he isn''t ready and doesn''t want to face that, or he''s just totally disinterested...either way, you''ve both got to come clean with your intentions and feelings.

I always find it silly that women are so "afraid" to bring up getting engaged. Waiting for the right mood, the right time...I mean, really, you two are getting ready to spend your lives together and you''re scared to mention this at the wrong time? I have to wonder, if you''re so sure about this, is there such a thing as the wrong time to talk about your lives together? This should be something that is openly and freely discussed--not a subject that it tip toed around for . You should be able to speak your mind about this...whenever, wherever. If you can''t, then that in and of itself is a huge red flag.

Everyone has fears about taking the next step...in some way or another. It''s natural. But what makes the transition seamless is when two people can come together and have communication about it--facing the fears and owning them, working through them and moving forward. Otherwise these things become land mines.

 

[janinegirly]

agree with italian, but also know things aren''t so seamless in real life (or at least not for all of us!). Sometimes 2 people want the same thing at a different pace or in a different way (practical vs. romantic). The catch is figuring out if it really is due to that (and not cold feet) AND if it''s something you are ok with.

anyway, the other point i wanted to throw out there is while you may have one view on how things can be, he also has his own view and that has to be respected to. You might not agree, or might not be willing to wait around, but I think it''s not always a case of the man not "getting it". He may just get it but want something different and not communicating it or trying to retain some secrecy about it all. Of course if it''s getting irritating, direct questions on his motives/goals are always a good route.

 

[Lofi]

Date: 9/10/2009 1:06:13 PM
Author:TooPatient
Sorry for the vent. Just got to get it out.


Men.

How can they say we are hard to understand? Have they ever tried to talk to a man?


I was mentioning to FF (future fiance?? -- there really should be a thread somewhere dedicated to the short hand used) yesterday evening that I found a diamond that looks promising. I'm trying to keep him involved. (he was the one who suggested that I pick out the stones & setting). He asked the price. I told him $1700. He said 'yikes' and then got really quiet. After awhile I mentioned that if he was uncomfortable with this or wasn't ready yet we could wait. Of course he said that isn't the problem.

What is the problem? He feels inadequate. He doesn't know about diamonds (and doesn't have any interest in them -- after all, they are just another mineral) and doesn't feel that he could pick a good one even if he learned about them.
I reassured him that if he wanted to pick one I am sure it would be beautiful and I would love it.
He doesn't want to pick one.
He also feels like he doesn't make enough money and can't afford what I deserve.
Reassured him again. It isn't the size or expense that matters. I just want to be with him. (and I mean it -- as proved when 6 months ago I showed him a clearance ring that I would have been happy with - $800)

He wants to buy a diamond. When there is money to spend. What does he mean money to spend? He just spent $2,000 on tools this weekend and more to come. Plus a washing machine, freezer, and a few new windows. I know that it is all stuff that we needed. But he's got a bonus (maybe) coming soon. A check from the insurance company any time. And a tax refund (at least according to my best estimates before sending the info to our tax guy). Plus another (large) tax refund coming after filing this years taxes.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
He is too practical. I'm practical too but sometimes it is frustrating to see everything else move up the list of things to do and my ring (and proposal) keep getting put off.


Why do men think that all we want is something huge to show our friends? And even if we do want to show our friends, so what? Isn't the big TV and surround sound and giant barbeque the first thing people are showed when they come over?


Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again.

One thing I've learned during this past year's long and occasionally bumpy engagement ring process is that men and women (typically) do NOT see this event/process in the same way. It took A LOT of conversations to get my bf and I on the same page. And he eventually started to understand how I saw things and I better understood how he saw things. We met in the middle...and he really came around and started to understand my thought process better. So I definitely would encourage you to have these important conversations with your BF... Perhaps approach it by saying, I don't want this conversation to add any pressure but I think it's important that we get on the same page regarding (fill in the blank). I can't stress enough the importance of being open and honest with him about these things.

 

[katomm]

I totally agree with LFVdoll above. Talk it out, try to understand each other''s views.

I did not want an e-ring at all, just a band. I was very firm about this. After hearing about his grandmother''s diamond and the story behind it and how he wanted to do things right this time (his first marriage was just a "hey let''s get married" type of thing) I could not fathom not having the e-ring. It means too much to him and his parents who I adore. I''m still getting the band I want but now it will be paired with a family heirloom and more meaning behind it than I could ever imagine.

 

[Haven]

It honestly sounds like your BF may not be completely ready to move forward. I agree that an honest discussion is in order here--you want to get engaged, he says he wants to as well, you say you do not want an extravagant engagement ring, but then he says that he feels inadequate and wants to get you a diamond ring when he has the money to spend, yet meanwhile he spends $2,000 on tools?

Something is not adding up here. Talk to him, I bet you''ll feel better after doing so.

Good luck!

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 9/10/2009 11:36:03 PM
Author: Haven
It honestly sounds like your BF may not be completely ready to move forward. I agree that an honest discussion is in order here--you want to get engaged, he says he wants to as well, you say you do not want an extravagant engagement ring, but then he says that he feels inadequate and wants to get you a diamond ring when he has the money to spend, yet meanwhile he spends $2,000 on tools?


Something is not adding up here. Talk to him, I bet you''ll feel better after doing so.


Good luck!

Agreed.

I do think that if a man wants to gets engaged, he will make it happen. If he isn''t doing that, it means he isn''t ready (for whatever reason). You should talk to him and say what you''ve said to us here.

 

[TooPatient]

I agree. We need to talk more. Talked a couple of nights ago. He sounded sure. He just sounded nervous about diamonds. I''d like to talk to him more though just to be sure. I know he likes to be well prepared and educated before buying stuff but he is usually pretty good about finding the information and making it happen.


Now is NOT the time to talk. It is almost 1am here. I''m usually asleep by now. Taking tomorrow off as a "sick" day. I have to get set up to find a 2nd job. I''m independant so I should be able to add a little computer project to the side. Just something working from home. Maybe website design or something.

He got his evaluation from the new manager. After 5 years of excellent reviews from 3 different managers, this one gave him the worst eval possible. And if this massive project isn''t done in the next few months he''ll put FF on a "performance plan" which means 6 months until he is fired. There aren''t any positions for him in this area. If he has to look out of this company it will mean either a big pay cut or commuting. (Probably to Canada). And possibly moving.
Not good news.


We still need to talk though. Just when he is a little less stressed about everything. (pay cut would leave us unable to pay the mortgage here -- just not receiving a bonus and the stock that goes with it is a big loss to this year''s finances)

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/11/2009 3:57:33 AM
Author: TooPatient
I agree. We need to talk more. Talked a couple of nights ago. He sounded sure. He just sounded nervous about diamonds. I''d like to talk to him more though just to be sure. I know he likes to be well prepared and educated before buying stuff but he is usually pretty good about finding the information and making it happen.


Now is NOT the time to talk. It is almost 1am here. I''m usually asleep by now. Taking tomorrow off as a ''sick'' day. I have to get set up to find a 2nd job. I''m independant so I should be able to add a little computer project to the side. Just something working from home. Maybe website design or something.

He got his evaluation from the new manager. After 5 years of excellent reviews from 3 different managers, this one gave him the worst eval possible. And if this massive project isn''t done in the next few months he''ll put FF on a ''performance plan'' which means 6 months until he is fired. There aren''t any positions for him in this area. If he has to look out of this company it will mean either a big pay cut or commuting. (Probably to Canada). And possibly moving.
Not good news.


We still need to talk though. Just when he is a little less stressed about everything. (pay cut would leave us unable to pay the mortgage here -- just not receiving a bonus and the stock that goes with it is a big loss to this year''s finances)

Ugh! This is not at all good

. I think you are right. I would hold off a while before talking to him. I''m sure his main priority right now is holding on to his job.
Getting a negative review and knowing that you may get let go in the future would not put anyone in the mood to talk about getting engaged. I''m so sorry
hon. I hope everything works out with his job.