Men and women are happier in marriages in which the husband earns more money

[TravelingGal]

The title of this post is a direct quote from this article...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21069775/

The other part of the quote is "Men and women are happier in marriages in which the woman does more of the housework." Hm.

It discusses how to make a relationship work if the woman makes more money. So I'm curious...for those of you who make more than your men (and heck, for those of you who don't)...do you think it makes THAT much of a difference?

ETA - I'll be interested in the responses as I sit here working and eating my lunch that my unemployed husband just made for me.

 

[Stardust]

I make more currently. We're likely to switch back and forth for several years. My grad school, then his grad school, then I'll be more qualified and may make more money or he may - it's all so up in the air depending on how we work: to move up in the world or to support our current lifestyle.

He does more housework. I honestly don't care if the clothes are on the floor or if the clean clothes sit on the clothes racks rather than in the closets. He cares so he cleans. I try to help more, I just forget.

 

[baby monster]

It depends on a couple. I'd say you have to look far and wide to find a guy who is not affected when his SO makes more money than him. Majority of the guys I know have very traditional ideas about gender roles and would feel emasculated if their woman made more than them. A lot of women want to be taken care of and feel that they are doing something wrong if they do well financially. A lot of my single gfs have done well for themselves and are discovering that it is pretty hard to find a guy who earns more than them.

I earn a lot more than my SO but it doesn't make much difference in my relationship. My bf is my stongest supporter and is always pushing me to do better and earn more money. The housework is PITA and only outsourcing it makes for a better relationship

.

 

[Haven]

Interesting article, TGal. I will probably NEVER earn as much or more money than my FI, but he''s so laid back that I can''t imagine it would make any difference to him if I did. I''m sure he''d be happy that we were doing well, and proud of me for being financially successful.

As for the housework thing, good grief! That sounds very, well, dated to me. Do they mean that the MEN are happier in relationships where women do most of the housework? I like Baby Monster''s idea--outsourcing the housework makes for happy relationships!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 10/1/2007 5:27:46 PM
Author: baby monster

I earn a lot more than my SO but it doesn''t make much difference in my relationship. My bf is my stongest supporter and is always pushing me to do better and earn more money. The housework is PITA and only outsourcing it makes for a better relationship

.

I so agree. We had a cleaning lady for years and it was the best thing for our relationship. When she moved on, we went without because we wanted to train the kids on how to clean. Now that they are out of the house, I''m thinking it''s time for a new cleaning lady.

 

[snlee]

My husband currently makes more and probably always will. But if the tables were turned, I know that he wouldn''t have any problem with me making more. He would love to be a stay-at-home dad when we have kids. But unfortunately, that''s not feasible since the cost of living is too high here.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband always has and always will make much more than me. He also does the bulk of the housework, cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Last I checked he''s pretty darn happy...and I most definitely am.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/1/2007 6:11:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH
My husband always has and always will make much more than me. He also does the bulk of the housework, cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Last I checked he''s pretty darn happy...and I most definitely am.

*snort*

Keep on rubbing it in girlfriend...

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 10/1/2007 6:15:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/1/2007 6:11:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH
My husband always has and always will make much more than me. He also does the bulk of the housework, cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Last I checked he''s pretty darn happy...and I most definitely am.

*snort*

Keep on rubbing it in girlfriend...

Hmmm, he was the first man I dated that made more than me. And this is the first relationship I''ve ever been in where I wasn''t the do-it-all-gal. I am definitely a bit spoiled, but I think the moment I stopped appreciating it he''d pull the rug out from beneath me. In my (weak) defense, I go to school full time and work 30 hours a week, he works for himself, his office is in our home, and sets his own schedule so he has a lot more flexibility than I do.

 

[TravelingGal]

Kimberly, no need to defend yourself...you seem to me a gal who deserve all the goodness she gets!

I do agree with this article that men''s egos are generally more fragile than a woman''s. But the tips about praising him and telling him how much you admire what he''s doing reminded me of those advice columns from the 50''s telling women to make sure the dinner''s on the table and the kids are groomed and quiet when father gets home.

That being said, it''s kind of true.

When TGuy and I get into an argument (that is my fault) it''s probably because he doesn''t feel respected enough. Whether I question his parking abilities or whatever. I have been more mindful of that.

But in general, our financial relationship is great. I do envy other women who might have the option to stay at home and raise kids. I simply don''t. TGuy is proud of my career and how well I''ve done for myself. He''s also a pretty modern man and pitches in around the house. Like today when he made me lunch (a regular occurence since he''s been laid of). He just likes to feel useful.

Depends on the guy''s perspective, I guess. I was telling some girlfriends that I''ve been helping job hunt for him. I write his cover letters and have done his resume (with his input of course). They looked slightly horrified and asked me if I think that emasculates him in any way. I had to blink twice because I honestly didn''t think of it that way. TGuy is math oriented...I was an English major. Writing comes a bit more naturally to me. I''m also way more patient at hunting down jobs on all the websites out there and I''m happy to print them out and see what he''s interested in. He definitely makes his effort and looks when he can.

I asked TGuy if it bothered him, or made him feel like less of a man. He looked perplexed and said, huh? Don''t these women see I''m so manly that I have my secretary doing all the work for me?

 

[KimberlyH]

TG, I have an uncontrollably guiltly conscience, not a fun thing to live with. He could choose to rebel and lay down the mop and ladle, what a shock to my system that would be after being coddled mercilessly for the last 3 years!

TGuy''s response to you re: the resume cracked me up.

There is some truth in that 50''s mantra, it took me a while to figure out it really isn''t all that difficult to keep John happy, he just wants attention, love and recognition...really not too much to ask for considering that in return (things that have nothing to do with money or housework, like love, support and affection).

 

[luckystar112]

FI makes a lot more than me. Even when I get my advanced degree he will make more than me with NO degree. (Wait...he has an Associates, but it''s not like he''s using it.)
I''m content with that. I actually prefer it. I guess I''m old fashioned in the way that I prefer the man to be the provider. It works because I can tell he likes being the provider too. I know that if I made more money than him one day he would be happy for me, but inside he might feel like less of a man. lol!

 

[Dee*Jay]

I've made more $$$ than my HH for the past several years (but all that is about to change next Friday when I finally leave one of my two jobs--until this part of my business ramps up anyway, then I'll probably go back to making more within a year or two). Honestly, he doesn't care at all who brings home the bacon, as long as the mortgage gets paid and The Demon and The Monster have enough kibble in their bowls.

As for domestic duties; the HH does 99.9% of the grocery shopping (I'd rather poke my own eyeball out than go inside a grocery store!) and ALL of the cooking (I made rice for the dog a few weeks ago becuase the HH was out of town and the puppy was sick... I think that's the only thing I've cooked in 10 years). I do do most of the laundry, although if I have a big pile of it sitting on the dining room table to fold I often find that it's been done when I go to do it. And the cleaning lady (a.k.a. The House Goddess) takes care of all the rest.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think traditional roles work because there are a lot of people who still want to play them. I have no issue with that whatsoever. My friend''s hubby is a doctor. She is a SAHM. I still am amazed at how tough her job is day in and day out...and how good she is at it.

For me, I never wanted to be provided for. OK, let me rephrase that...if someone came and swept me off my feet and bought me oodles and oodles of F/SI1 diamonds (hey, because I''m always a bargain hunter) I doubt I''d throw a hissy fit. But I wanted to know that I could be successful in my own right...that I''d not only have the means to "survive" but I could have a GOOD LIFE on my own. I have a couple of wonderful friends that don''t really work and their hubbies make lots of money and they joke from time to time that the would have to get on the pole if something happened to their men. I acknowledge here that strippers can probably make more money than me, but you get my point.

Another reason why I am so glad I make good money is that for some of my single friends, money/career was a factor when they were looking for a mate. If I were to be honest, I''d certainly say it was on my list too. But I think because I was doing so well, I looked past it when it came to TGuy. He always jokes about how "blue collar" he is, but I feel so lucky that I was able to find someone bright and intelligent. If I weren''t making very good money, it might have made me more nervous to marry him. I do realize that a lot of successful women don''t want to marry someone who is economically less well off than they are though.

I think a strong career means independence, and independence means having a bit more freedom to make the choices you want.

 

[strmrdr]

It wouldnt be an issue if wifey2b made more money than I did as long as she wasnt over working and was doing something she enjoyed, or if she wants too stay home or do volenteer work thats kewl too.

but housework other than cooking well thats another story.....
I hate it with a passion and it shows around here so unless she wants to live in clutter she is going to have to do it.
The kewl thing is she dont have a problem with doing housework. :}

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am a lot happier that my husband makes more than I do, since I am a teacher! It would be very sad if he made less than I do! I wouldn''t be on a diamond forum, that''s for sure!

I hate housework and have had a maid for years. My hubby is a little OCD and doesn''t let stuff collect on the counter or in the sink. So I let him load the dw anytime he wants! We split the grocery shopping and he cooks some on the weekend. I cook a couple of nights during the week. I do all the laundry because I am picky about how it gets done. He does everything outside and for the cars. It sounds like he does more than his share, and I think that is correct. Unfortunately he works a lot more hours than I do, though. When we retire, just think of all the things he''ll have time to do!!!

 

[partgypsy]

I think relationships work when they play to people''s strengths; many times that still falls along traditional gender lines. Also raising children and taking care of a household is not given much respect, particularly if a man was doing it, so unless a man was very comfortable and secure with himself I can imagine that causing problems even if it made better financial sense.
Even though my Dad was very traditional in some ways, he also drilled into me that men were um "jerks" and that I should be able to take care of myself financially so I wouldn''t have to depend on a man, and I took that to heart. I depend on my husband emotionally, but not financially, and I like it that way.

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 10/1/2007 5:13:15 PM
Author:TravelingGal
The title of this post is a direct quote from this article...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21069775/

The other part of the quote is ''Men and women are happier in marriages in which the woman does more of the housework.'' Hm.

It discusses how to make a relationship work if the woman makes more money. So I''m curious...for those of you who make more than your men (and heck, for those of you who don''t)...do you think it makes THAT much of a difference?

ETA - I''ll be interested in the responses as I sit here working and eating my lunch that my unemployed husband just made for me.

It sure sounds to me like you have got a hubby who is confident and self assured and does not need the numbers to make himself feel important..

 

[Blenheim]

Articles like this tend to bother me. While she writes things like "We like our traditional roles. Men and women are happier in marriages in which the husband earns more money. Men and women are happier in marriages in which the woman does more of the housework", she doesn''t give any research to back this up. Plus, who is "we"? I feel like the younger generation probably has different attitudes toward gender roles than the older generation does.

Anyway, my husband currently earns about 3x as much as I do but we both think that I''ll eventually out-earn him. It doesn''t matter to either of us. The more money, the better!

I''m also not happy when I''m completely provided for -- I like feeling self-sufficient.

And neither of us is happier when I''m shouldering most of the responsibility re: housework. I think that we do best when we both have the same amount of free time, which means that the amount that each of us does around the house varies week by week depending upon our work schedules. I get grumpy when I do it all, and consequently he''s less happy.

Both of DH''s parents worked and helped out around the house and with the kids when he was growing up, so that''s his model of marriage and parenting -- I think that probably helps.

 

[Miranda]

Well, I make $0, so I am very glad DH makes more than me! I don''t think either of us would have any issue if I was the breadwinner. I sometimes think he''d make a better SAHM than me and I''d make a better corporate guy than him. We''ve always been in complete agreement that one of us needs to be home with the kids, though so both of us working has never been an option. But, that''s just us.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/1/2007 9:26:50 PM
Author: Miranda
Well, I make $0, so I am very glad DH makes more than me! I don''t think either of us would have any issue if I was the breadwinner. I sometimes think he''d make a better SAHM than me and I''d make a better corporate guy than him. We''ve always been in complete agreement that one of us needs to be home with the kids, though so both of us working has never been an option. But, that''s just us.

I also make $0 and this is the way my husband and I always planned it. He would work while I stay home with kids. I do some accounting, but am not officially paid because it''s for the family business. I just go shopping all the time

Oh, and I do not think my husband could handle if I made more than him. He''s just that kind of guy who needs to be the one wearing the pants.

If I did have my "own" income though, I think it''d be a lot easier justifying some of my purchases.

Oh, my life is over. My son is READING my message here!

 

[wolftress]

I make $0 at the moment (work contract ended, looking for a new job) so DH definitely makes a lot more than I do

One thing I''ve noticed is I''m a lot more content with doing the majority of the housework now because he works hard to support us, and I have so much free time on my hands. When we were both working, he did quite a lot of the housework because he works partially from home and was home a lot more. That set-up worked for me too

DH has never expected me to do the housework or anything I don''t want to do. If I decided today that I was never picking up a broom or mop again, I don''t think he would complain - and that makes me want to do it. If he did expect me to, I''d never have married him! He is so appreciative when he comes home and the place looks neat and clean that it makes me want to give him a big cuddle

There was a period of time when DH was still at school and I was working full-time and he had no issues with me being the sole breadwinner. For me, I grew up in a very ''traditional'' family where my dad always said the man should pay for everything. It took a while to shake off that silly way of thinking and once I did, we were happy with our arrangement. My sister is a dentist and her husband is a teacher, so there''s a big disparity in their earning power, but I think they''re quite happy with the arrangement. The only time my sister worries is when she knows she''ll have to stop working when they have a baby and she''s not sure they can live on her husband''s income.

 

[monarch64]

Totally depends on the couple, imo. My brother and SIL are the opposite of the traditional man-makes-more setup...she is in the healthcare field and she has a high income due to working lots of overtime/weekends, etc. He has been a truckdriver, construction worker, etc. and currently has a big ebay business going while he is completely restoring the house they bought a couple years ago. She loves her career, and he loves being able to enjoy the benefits of not working a traditional 9-5 schedule and gets to do what he likes as well. She''s pregnant with their first, and my bro will become a SAHD this February! It''s worked for them so far...they share a lot in common including a love of motorcycle riding and I think that keeps them happy more than the income ratios.

 

[StarSpun]

Well speaking from our current experience, I make more money and it makes no difference! Bryan cooks (I can''t cook without burning the place down!) and cleans (unless I go on one of my ''cleaning binges!), so, there you have it. We have an awesome AWESOME relationship, we''re best friends and do everything together and we live in a small space too! (for those of you who don''t know, we gave up the condo to RV fulltime and travel lots!).

Like others have said, I guess it really depends on the couple!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it depends on the ego strength of the couple. Some men do make less and are fine with it, and some make less and it bothers them, which comes out in many ways on a daily basis. I know a couple of couples where the wife makes significantly more than the husband. The issues revolve then around how much the man does or does not do, and in one case it is minimal and THAT is what causes strife.

I have not really worked outside the home in years and years. I went to graduate school and then started to have a family, and I am a SAHM. My husband is very successful but to to honest I feel I contribute so much, a lot of which cannot be quantified. I am happy with our arrangement, though hubby certainly wishes I did not like shopping quite so much! But overall it works for us, so that is great.

 

[onedrop]

Well....I am the breadwinner in the family. Mr.Onedrop has basically had to start over since moving to be with me, but even so I still would make more than he does. I kinda thought that the amount of $$ I made might be an issue for use because he comes from a culture where the man is generally the breadwinnder, but he seems to be taking things in stride. I am not the kind of person to throw position and salary in someone''s face so maybe that''s the key. That, and he is a confident man and understands that it will take time for him to reach his maximum earning potential here. And down the line we plan to have some sort of family business so that will even things out.

We try to work together with the household duties and he is pretty good with that, although I feel twice a month outsourcing of the housework would make Onedrop a very happy camper.

I am still working on that one...

 

[luckystar112]

I asked FI last night if it would bother him if I made more money than him. He goes, "No, of course not! Why? Are you planning on it?"

Anyway, reading my old post I probably shouldn''t have said "provided for" because I really won''t be. We''ll both be contributing to money pot, but he''ll most likely always make more. My plan is to get my Masters and then either become a prof at a community college teaching world lit, or working/starting my own literary journal--neither of which bring in a ton of money. I''m sure FI would love for me to at least try to match him because he is all about retiring early. More money=less work in the long run.

Right now FI basically pays for everything. Mortgage...bills...food...etc. I work, but all of my money goes straight into my checking account to be put towards the wedding, gas, school stuff, etc. Mostly wedding though.

It works RIGHT NOW but he doesn''t make enough on his own to support me and a little one, so I know that I won''t be able to be a SAHM when the time comes. I can work from home though!!!

 

[vespergirl]

I think it depends on the couple, but the statement in the article is totally true for me. During my first marriage, I was the breadwinner, and I was miserable. Maybe it''s because I was raised in a traditional household where my mom never worked outside the home & my dad provided for us, but I expected my husband to be a better contributor than he was. He was at turns taking advantage of my larger salary, and then resentful when I asked him to pitch in more around the house because he was home more, and I think I was always annoyed with the fact that I was the one always picking up the check, especially in social situations. After two years of marriage, he asked for a divorce, because he didn''t want the "financial responsibility" of raising a family (thank God we had no kids together).

I am married again now, and have a baby who is almost a year old. We are in a traditional relationship, and I couldn''t be happier. My husband is an executive who does well enough to provide for us, so when I had the baby, I gave up my career as a marketing executive to stay home with him. My husband has always made a lot more than me, so it was an easy choice. Neither of us was comfortable wth putting the baby in day care, and I didn''t love the idea of getting a nanny either, and besides, I had been looking forward to staying home with my kid once I had one my whole life. I love taking care of the baby, and gourmet cooking has been a hobby of mine for years, so I enjoy doing those household activities. I don''t love cleaning, but I do most of it, and hy husband chips in the the chore that I totally loathe (vacuuming). I also love reading and working out, so I have tons of time to pursue those activities as well - I weigh less now than before I had the baby! Plus, in the next year or two, I may go back to school for a graduate degree, and being at home will give me time to pursue that full-time.

I''ve asked my husband how he would feel if I made more than him, and he said he isn''t sure he would be totally comfortable with it - some guys we know in that situation have felt emasculated in that situation, or picked on by their wives, and he feels that he has a real purpose and direction in life taking care of us, which motivates him to continue advancing his career. Plus, he loves the gourmet dinners he comes home to every night

 

[anchor31]

FI makes more money than I do (good thing too, since I''m a full-time undergrad with an on-call twice a month job!) and probably always will since I plan on becoming a teacher. With exams coming up for me, he''s doing a lot of the housework too, but it''s usually very balanced. We''re both very happy with our situation. We''ve been very blessed, FI just got a raise yesterday and is looking at another one in January. So, not complaining!

 

[Sabine]

I am currenlty making much more than FI since he is a medical student whose only income is a small Navy stipend. It hasn''t been an issue for us at all, but I do wonder if that might be because he knows that as a doctor he will eventually be making much more than me!