Managing the grandparents

[fieryred33143]

Any tips on how to manage the sets of grandparents fairly? Anything that you feel works/didn’t work? If you are a grandparent, what are your thoughts?

My mom lives 4 hours away and FI’s parents live 10 minutes away. I honestly didn’t think this would even be an issue.

Their relationship is great but I don’t know how to manage the grandparent relationship. My FMIL gets really jealous of my mom’s time with DD which is a) silly since she spends 10 hours a day all week with her and b) unfair since my mom doesn’t get to see DD but once every other month and only for a weekend. Usually when my mom visits, she comes on Friday night on the bus and gets here around 11pm. She then leaves on Sunday at 7am on the bus (their schedule). So she only has Saturday with her. When my mom is here, FMIL wants to come over and visit which wouldn’t be a big deal because as I mentioned, they get along really well. But when she comes over, she immediately takes DD away from my mom. She and FFIL will then spend the next 3 or 4 hours that they are there fighting (

) over who gets to hold her while my mom just looks on. So what I’ve done is that when my mom is here, I don’t invite them over. FMIL will call (all the time) to say she wants to come over and I’ll say that we are out of the house. This obviously isn’t a mature way to handle it so if you have any tips, please share. FI spoke to her the last time and told her that she needed to understand that my mom is here for a limited time and her response was to cry and not talk to us for a week.

I really want to nip this in the bud especially with the holidays coming up. I don’t want there to be tension and while my mom doesn’t give the impression that she’s bothered by it, I know she feels badly that she doesn’t get to see DD too often and when she finally does she doesn’t get to spend any alone time with her. Plus MIL has done some really hurtful and childish things while my mom has visited that my mom is not really that much of a fan anymore and I really want them to continue to have a good relationship.

TIA

 

[MustangGal]

It is a bit of a pain juggling all the family issues. Your idea of not having FMIL over when your mom is there is probably the best, espically since FMIL has the baby all week, why would she need to come see her on a weekend

. You probably need to put your foot down now, or it''ll only get worse.

My in-laws and parents both live in the same city 4 hours from us. We try to be very fair with how much time we spend with each side when we go out to visit, and they''re welcome to come out to our place whenever they like. So far it hasn''t been too hard, and the 1 night we left the baby with my mom I made sure he spent the day with MIL, which seemed to make them both happy. My SIL isn''t near as "fair" with her son, so I''ve tried to be the better daughter-in-law and share our baby

.

The holidays are only going to make it worse...

 

[junebug17]

Fiery, I have tried to step back and be objective about this, and I keep coming back to the opinion that your mom is getting the short end of the stick! The poor woman travels 8 hours in a 2 day period once every two months and doesn''t get any alone time with her granddaughter and daughter? I''m sorry, it just doesn''t sound fair to her. It''s really not even a weekend, it''s more like one day! Your fmil sounds a bit manipulative by turning on the waterworks when things don''t go her way...she sees the baby all week! I''m sorry, I feel badly for your mom and I think you need to stick up for her a bit here. I think it''s time to lay down the law and tell your fmil that your mom deserves some alone time with her granddaughter since she barely gets to see her. You could also tell her that YOU need some quality time with your mom. Your fmil may cry and fuss, but she''ll live. I know I''m making it sound easy, but really, when you look at the situation objectively it''s really the right thing to do. It''s not fair to your mom to travel all that distance only to watch fmil and ffil fight over the baby!

 

[Pandora II]

Fiery, you are WAY too nice IMHO.

First, FI needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his mother how it is. She needs to learn that crying like a spoilt toddler isn''t going to cut it and you need to spend time alone with your mother and daughter.

Honestly I would have HIM sort things out.

 

[anchor31]

I totally agree with what has already been said. Your FMIL is acting like a spoilt child and your FI needs to put his foot down with her. Your mom sees your DD so little and your FMIL so much, that kind of jealousy is petty and kind of disgusting. I think she needs to be reminded that this is not her baby... Like the others, I think she should not be allowed to visit when your mother is there, and I think that instead of telling her you''re not there, you should say that you already have visitors and would like to spend time with them. Let her cry and pout, she needs to learn that she cannot manipulate you into doing everything she wants. It''s your family and you''re the boss, not her.

 

[Blenheim]

Fiery, the real issue here doesn''t seem to be how to equitably divide up time with the baby. The issue seems to be something more along the lines of not respecting boundaries, or of her needing to feel in control all of the time. Please correct me if I''m wrong, but your future inlaws were also showing up late at night when Sophia was little and wanting to play with her into the wee hours of the night, and not respecting you when you told them that they needed to visit at reasonable times? And then the feeding issues you''ve been having with MIL, and her overdressing Sophia to the point where she has heat rash? I think that this particular issue is just another manifestation of an underlying problem. Unfortunately I''m just not sure how best to address the pattern of behavior.

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks everyone so far for the replies. I definitely agree that she uses her tears as manipulation. She does it with everyone too. She once called my mom to cry and complain about me because I was upset that she showed up unexpectedly and then proceeded to tell me how I needed to learn to keep my home clean for unexpected guests

.

Date: 11/2/2009 12:52:28 PM
Author: Blenheim
Fiery, the real issue here doesn''t seem to be how to equitably divide up time with the baby. The issue seems to be something more along the lines of not respecting boundaries, or of her needing to feel in control all of the time. Please correct me if I''m wrong, but your future inlaws were also showing up late at night when Sophia was little and wanting to play with her into the wee hours of the night, and not respecting you when you told them that they needed to visit at reasonable times? And then the feeding issues you''ve been having with MIL, and her overdressing Sophia to the point where she has heat rash? I think that this particular issue is just another manifestation of an underlying problem. Unfortunately I''m just not sure how best to address the pattern of behavior.

I agree Blen and I don''t know what to do with it either. I also don''t know what''s causing the behavior. I don''t know if this is just a weird mother/son relationship, if she doesn''t like me, if she secretly doesn''t like my mom. Maybe she''s mentally seeing Sophia as being her DD (she lost a daughter at around 28 weeks). I really don''t know. Sometimes her actions come across as she thinks I''m not a good mom but then she makes it a point to tell me how amazed she is at how "easy" things come to me. I don''t get it.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Sorry you''re having to deal with this, Fiery.

I don''t have quite the same issue, but I did have to deal with my parents wanting to be here more than DH and I were comfortable with.
First we put in place a ''no visit without prior notice'' policy, then enforced it. We don''t answer the phone when we don''t want them to come over. We lock our driveway gate if we aren''t expecting visitors, so no one can get to the house without advance notice.

We had to resort to this after a few nasty run-ins over privacy and boundaries. I won''t pretend it was easy, but it was easier than dealing with the alternative.

Good luck.

Jen

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/2/2009 12:52:28 PM
Author: Blenheim
Fiery, the real issue here doesn't seem to be how to equitably divide up time with the baby. The issue seems to be something more along the lines of not respecting boundaries, or of her needing to feel in control all of the time. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but your future inlaws were also showing up late at night when Sophia was little and wanting to play with her into the wee hours of the night, and not respecting you when you told them that they needed to visit at reasonable times? And then the feeding issues you've been having with MIL, and her overdressing Sophia to the point where she has heat rash? I think that this particular issue is just another manifestation of an underlying problem. Unfortunately I'm just not sure how best to address the pattern of behavior.

Ditto and the main issue is probably jealousy. You will have to set the boundaries now or get your fiance to do so or she will continue to make your life a misery and it will get worse. Can you get someone else to care for Sophia while you work? What your FMIL is doing is absolutely unacceptable and as for the crying - let her get on with it if she must cry when she is told off for this dreadful behaviour, thats the only way she will learn. As for trying to stop your Mom from being with Sophia, she has real issues by the sound of it.

And ditto Anchor, she needs reminding in no uncertain terms this is not her baby!

 

[february2003bride]

Fiery,

My MIL is Indian and in India, the DIL''s are the lowest on the totum pole. Lower than the family dog. My MIL may think that about me but she doesn''t outwardly act that way (she''s very passive aggressive though) because I''m American and she''s very intimidated by me. My BIL''s wife though, because she is Indian, MIL outwardly DOES treat her disrespectful. When my niece was born and my SIL needed to go back to work (she''s a teacher) my FIL and MIL flew from India to BIL''s city to live with them and take care of DN. My MIL basically took over all care of my DN, even when my SIL was home in the afternoons, evenings and weekends. It got so bad that the in-laws would call DH daily with their complaint report

Not only did MIL try to take over the Mother role but her knowlege of caring for a child were seriously outdated to the point of being dangerous (very similar to the blanket issue that you are having). Five months into their visit, countless fights later, SIL and BIL put DN into Kindercare. They HAD to to finally get MIL that she is a grandmother and not DN''s mother. While MIL was furious, SIL was WAY WAY happier.

Your FMIL has serious boundary issues and your FI needs to step up, put on his big boy pants and deal with her. Can anyone else watch Sophia? Have you looked into day cares?

 

[sba771]

Hugs Fiery. Ok not to sound psycho, which I am sure I will, I think you are also having feeding issues (yes I lurk on other website boards!)with your MIL- I second those who suggest looking into other child care options. What about an in-home daycare so it is more 1 on 1.
I am so scared of this exact same thing happening to us since my mom will also be living far away and his around the corner. If you come up with witty phrases/comebacks to speak up for yourself please let me know because I got nothing and have a feeling I will be in your exact shoes in 2 years. Good luck!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Fieey-First, your daughter is beautiful! I''m not sure I''ve said congratulations yet, so congrats!!

Second-Your mother and father''s time with your DD is THEIR time, it''s limited and it''s special. Don''t take that away from them by having MIL at the house at the same time. It''s just not fair. Not to mention that you need time with your parents on your own. Your mom might be able to help you out with some of the issues you''re having with DD, but I''m guessing you can''t easily have a conversation about that because of MIL always being there. Save yourself some trouble and just don''t invite her over or even tell her when your mom is coming to visit. Good luck!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Ugh I typed up a long post and PS ate it lol

Thanks everyone for the comments and helpful suggestions. I''m still trying to deal with everything. Last night FI and I got into an argument because when he picked up Sophia his mom started crying. She told him that she asked to come over and I told her no. This is not true. When she called I said that we were out shopping for Halloween costumes for a party FI and I were going to the next day. She said that she wanted to come over while we were out so that my mom wouldn''t be alone and I told her that I''ll have my mom call her tomorrow. My mom did call her but MIL didn''t pick up. FI knows this. She told FI that she saw my mom was calling but at that point it was 6pm and she decided that it was too late so she didn''t bother to pick up

(this coming from the woman that visited me at 9pm when DD was 3 days old and didn''t leave until 2am).

So of course we got into an argument. I told him that the only reason why this is even an issue is because his mother isn''t considerate towards my mom''s situation. It isn''t fair that she doesn''t get to see her granddaughter ever day like his mom does because we live so far. His mom is a 55 year old adult and no one should have to explain this to her.

He says that the only reason why she wanted to visit was so that she can hang out with my mom. Please. I''ve been with FI for nearly 8 years now. Before Sophia, my mom would come and go without my MIL ever visiting to see her. Now that Sophia is here, all of a sudden my mom is her BFF and she absolutely has to see her otherwise she''ll cry? And she does this every single time my mom has visited since having Sophia.

Sba-lol, you must have seen my post from yesterday

. Yes we have feeding issues. She has put Sophia into a reverse cycle (where she eats very little during the day and makes up for it all night). I''ve had the same discussion over and over and have given up. Sophia still gets enough to eat, I just don''t get enough sleep

 

[noelwr]

I would sit her down and say "Mom [or whatever you call her], you know how you love to spend time with Sophia and hold her, and that you get 5 days a week to do it? Well, my mom loves it, too, but she only gets weekends. I also like to be alone with my mom and daughter, and therefore I would appreciate if you could respect our time alone on the weekends. And don''t start crying because I''m not changing my decision. If you love Sophia and your son, you will do this for us."

 

[Blenheim]

I''ve been thinking about this. When my dad starts to have boundary issues, I first tell him that it makes me feel uncomfortable/upset/whatever when he ______, and if that doesn''t work I limit contact until he can behave himself. I don''t know if it''s the best way to address it, but it seems to work well enough. But it''s just not possible to do something like that to someone who''s taking care of your kid and whom you must see on a daily basis. I''m just not sure how it would be best to deal with her as long as she''s providing childcare. Are you able to find other care?

 

[fieryred33143]

Blen,

I''m looking into it. We can although the deal we have with his mom right now works best for us (financially speaking). And they really do love DD very much so I know that she''s well taken care of. We''ve corrected the blanket issue and she''s now putting her to sleep without any blankets. The feeding I''m just going to move on with because I don''t know what else to tell her that''ll get her on the right schedule.

We''re going to have to find another solution soon anyway. They can''t be grand parents and child care providers. That''s another issue we were having too. I get 1-2 hours of time with Sophia when I get home from work before its bedtime. My weekends I spend with her and FI doing family stuff. They call every weekend wanting to come over and hang out. I feel bad because they are her grandparents but come on.

 

[packrat]

I''m sorry you''re going thru this Fiery! I had problems w/my MIL when London was born too..but she didn''t watch her a whole lot (I only worked part time), and b/c of the problems I had w/her (not wanting to do anything my way), JD just told her she was welcome to visit, but she wasn''t allowed to watch her anymore. My mom took over the sitter duties. London was 5 months old and I was ready to move away than deal w/the issues MIL caused.

I can''t imagine being that far away from my mom, and I agree w/the others that it''s not fair at all to her when she is able to visit to have no time w/you or her granddaughter. I hope your FI does set his mom straight. I would think that after watching Sophia so much during the week she''d be ready for a break in the evenings and weekends, and want to leave you guys alone, to enjoy some family time to yourselves!

Is Sophia her first grandchild? Could either of you switch work hours around, or maybe have someone else watch her at least part of the time?

 

[geckodani]

Date: 11/2/2009 11:47:24 AM
Author: junebug17
Fiery, I have tried to step back and be objective about this, and I keep coming back to the opinion that your mom is getting the short end of the stick! The poor woman travels 8 hours in a 2 day period once every two months and doesn''t get any alone time with her granddaughter and daughter? I''m sorry, it just doesn''t sound fair to her. It''s really not even a weekend, it''s more like one day! Your fmil sounds a bit manipulative by turning on the waterworks when things don''t go her way...she sees the baby all week! I''m sorry, I feel badly for your mom and I think you need to stick up for her a bit here. I think it''s time to lay down the law and tell your fmil that your mom deserves some alone time with her granddaughter since she barely gets to see her. You could also tell her that YOU need some quality time with your mom. Your fmil may cry and fuss, but she''ll live. I know I''m making it sound easy, but really, when you look at the situation objectively it''s really the right thing to do. It''s not fair to your mom to travel all that distance only to watch fmil and ffil fight over the baby!

I agree. I drive for 4 hours, each way about every two months to see my nephew. If the SIL that sees the little guy all the time tried to come over and take him away from me - there would be a smack down. Complete, and total smackdown.

Whether she cries or not, MIL needs to understand that when your mother is in town, that is your mother''s time with the baby. End of story.

 

[miraclesrule]

RUDE! (said like Bon Qui Qui)

I am a new grandmother and I am very sensitive about not monopolizing the baby's time. My daughter's MIL already has two grandchildren with her own daughter and this is my first from my only child, my DD. Even though it's natural that I would be the one more initially "excited" because DD's MIL has already experienced the grandmother thang, it is still just as exciting for her to have another first grandchild from her son.

Both of us live in the same city although I am closer and single..and other grandmother is married (giving me greater flexibility) so we both have equal ability, distancewise to visit. However, when I call my daughter to find out what she's doing, if she tells me that MIL is coming over to visit, I will bow out because I know me. I will probably do or say something that will unintentionally insult, offend, or dominate. I've been very self aware of how I might be overbearing with baby Veda, so I just avoid it so that MIL gets her own alone time. My daughter must notice that I am being very good about it because now if I call and she tells me that MIL is coming over and I tell her I will just go home, my daughter will say "No Mom, it's okay, you can come over too."

That means I'm behaving very,very well.

Your Mom deserves her alone time with her grandchild fiery. If I was your Momma, I would be vocal about the situation. It seems like maybe your Mom is very gracious so you may have to do that for her.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/5/2009 12:10:02 AM
Author: miraclesrule
RUDE! (said like Bon Qui Qui)

I am a new grandmother and I am very sensitive about not monopolizing the baby''s time. My daughter''s MIL already has two grandchildren with her own daughter and this is my first from my only child, my DD. Even though it''s natural that I would be the one more initially ''excited'' because DD''s MIL has already experienced the grandmother thang, it is still just as exciting for her to have another first grandchild from her son.

Both of us live in the same city although I am closer and single..and other grandmother is married (giving me greater flexibility) so we both have equal ability, distancewise to visit. However, when I call my daughter to find out what she''s doing, if she tells me that MIL is coming over to visit, I will bow out because I know me. I will probably do or say something that will unintentionally insult, offend, or dominate. I''ve been very self aware of how I might be overbearing with baby Veda, so I just avoid it so that MIL gets her own alone time. My daughter must notice that I am being very good about it because now if I call and she tells me that MIL is coming over and I tell her I will just go home, my daughter will say ''No Mom, it''s okay, you can come over too.''

That means I''m behaving very,very well.

Your Mom deserves her alone time with her grandchild fiery. If I was your Momma, I would be vocal about the situation. It seems like maybe your Mom is very gracious so you may have to do that for her.

YOU are a darling Miracles and are a wonderful grandma!!!