Making New Friends

[Elmorton]

Okay, Elmorton is having a hard time being a grown-up. In the last year, I finished grad school, got married, and moved away from where I grew up. This was all very good until I woke up yesterday and realized that my closest girlfriends are more than an hour away, and even though DH is my best friend, I need some friends.

Here''s where I''m at so far in my quest for friends: my semester hasn''t started yet, so I don''t really know many people at work, but at my old job, I was the only faculty member under 30 and as a part-timer, it is bit difficult to get to know people since I''m not on campus full-time. The people I''ll be working with seem very nice so far, but I''d really like to meet friends my own age (mid 20s) and who are in the same place in life as I am - ie, not having kids quite yet. I''m also a member of the Y, and plan to sign up for a class once the next session starts up. I''ve always been involved in community service etc, so I''m very open to suggestions of civic groups to join, and we do attend a church that we love, but it has a much older congregation/lots of young families.

I know on PS, there are quite a few people who have moved across the country, gone to places where everyone is a stranger, etc. When you''re young and sans children, how do you make friends? How have you made friends in the past?

 

[Haven]

Oh, El, I''m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. BUT, it could be a great motivator to try new things in your new hometown.

I haven''t moved cross country, but the friends I''ve made since college are people I''ve met at work, in grad school, and taking classes (dance, fitness, kickboxing, etc.) My FI met a ton of his now close friends when he used to play beach volleyball all summer. Do you have any interests you haven''t pursued and could squeeze into your schedule?

Oh, I''ve also met a lot of people through dog-related things--doggy obedience, doggy beach, doggy park, dog people are the best! Maybe you could adopt a wonderful dog who needs a home?

Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

Hi ElMorton! I''ve been there, I''m one of those PSr''s you''re talking about who''s moved to a totally different place where everyone''s a stranger and I''m currently experiencing the all-my-friends-are-having-babies-but-we''re-not-there-yet thing. A couple years ago I had sort of a life change/transition, where I left one career and went to something totally different. That year I joined a women''s only gym and made a few friends through that, I also signed up to do the Avon Walk with a group of women from the same gym and got to know them pretty well although none of those friendships have really lasted it was a great way to get out and about and meet likeminded people.

Have you thought about maybe joining a book discussion group either at your library or you could try to find one online or craigslist or whatever. There''s a website called www.meetup.com you can join for free and they offer a ton of meetup groups with widely varied interests. I don''t know if you''re in a larger city or a suburb or where, but there must be some sort of group with people your age who are interested in similar things as you. It''s hard having to really put yourself out there, I know, but it sure beats the hell out of sitting at home with your DH every night, lol!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... I feel your pain! I''ve lived in 13 (?) different cities in several countries. And the older I get, the harder it is to make new friends. Sure, I find folks to hang around with, but it''s not quite the same. I also really miss my closest girlfriends, and especially planning this wedding, it''s felt a little sad on occasion not having anyone around. Sure, I have pals here, but not the sort of pals who you love so much, and who love you so much that they are JUST as excited as you are when you have good news (and vice versa). Know what I mean?

Anyway, in the past, to meet new people, I''ve taken classes (drawing, painting, etc.), joined music groups, done volunteer work, joined organizations that do fundraising for charities or arts groups etc.

If there''s an organization you like, say, the local zoo, a prominent theater group, orchestra, art museum etc., see if it has a junior council or equivalent. Many big american cities are full of organizations like this. You give a donation (maybe, $70-150?) and then there are social events, lectures, meetings, fundraisers, etc. It''s mostly young professionals, late 20''s to mid 40''s. At least in my city. I''ve met a lot of people that way, and learned a lot. Oh yeah, and had a blast. Just check around on their website and it might turn something like this up. Usually around the ''volunteers'' section.

The trick is to be assertive about it. If you find someone to chat with whom you like, say ''Listen, how about we get some coffee / meet for dinner / go see that play we were just talking about?''

 

[iheartscience]

I also feel your pain! I grew apart from a lot of my friends once I pretty much got over going out all the time, going to shows, staying up all night, etc., and they didn''t. For some reason a lot of people in my area graduate college, stay in town, and still go out like they''re freshmen and sophmores in college.

I have made some new friends playing soccer, so I know that playing on a sports team is definitely a good way to meet people. That''s probably my best suggestion. I also have made some friends through my work, but they''re mostly younger than I am so they''re still in that going out mindset and I''m just not into that anymore. I mostly hang out with my fiance and my twin sister, but I do have one good friend I do things with occasionally.

 

[Elmorton]

First of all, thanks for some ideas!! Second of all...it is SO NICE to hear that others are going through the same thing! Part of me feels a little defunct - I''ve never had a problem being social, but now I''m just a little scared to get out there.

Thing2of2 - Oh my gosh, I completely forgot to add in the part about the partying 20''s crowd. The whole "go out to be seen" scene stopped being fun or interesting about 5 years ago. But, that''s how most of my single girlfriends seem to meet people (is it just me, or is it HARDER to meet people when you''re part of a couple?).

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/5/2008 12:05:19 AM
Author: Elmorton
Thing2of2 - Oh my gosh, I completely forgot to add in the part about the partying 20''s crowd. The whole ''go out to be seen'' scene stopped being fun or interesting about 5 years ago. But, that''s how most of my single girlfriends seem to meet people (is it just me, or is it HARDER to meet people when you''re part of a couple?).

I''m glad it''s not just me! I feel like an old person, but I just don''t think staying out until 2 am at a smoky bar is fun and I haven''t for about 5 years, just like you! I think you''re right about it being harder to meet people when you''re part of a couple. I guess it''s just hard to get to be good friends with people when you don''t hang out with them all the time because youlre also hanging out with your significant other a lot.

My fiance is very friendly and he''s actually more social than I am, so it''s not like he doesn''t like going out and that keeps me in. It''s so hard to make new friends and I really think it just gets harder the older you get...my parents both have a little bit of a hard time finding friends to do stuff with. And I swear we''re not a family of social outcasts!

 

[monarch64]

Aw, you''re not defunct or socially inept or anything, ElMorton, try not to feel that way. January is a tough month anyway, everyone seems to hibernate and if you live in a colder climate it''s really tough to get out or find the motivation to get out and do anything! About 3 years ago, my best friend moved from IN to NJ and was just hating life out there. She''d just had a baby, was suffering from postpartum depression (although she hadn''t been diagnosed yet), and knew virtually no one besides her fiance and the Starbucks baristas. She called me one night just crying (and she is NOT a crier) and worried she''d never survive her new environment, especially with a baby. Pretty soon she found a mom''s group and has been thriving ever since. She has really come into her own since then, she''s now treasurer of the group and I''ve met all her mom''s group friends and they are so nice. They take good care of her, too...she had surgery on her hand a couple months ago and they brought her things like homemade "gravy" (red sauce for Italian dishes) and meatballs, helped her with her 2 yr. old, and checked in on her all the time.

Obviously you''re not a mom yet so mom''s groups are out, but there are so many organizations or groups you can get involved with. I know it''s really hard to take that first step and put yourself out there, I always get so anxious about that, but once you do it you will be greatly rewarded. To me, it''s like looking for a new job after you''ve been with the same company for a few years...you haven''t done it for a while, your skills are a little rusty, and you''re worried that maybe they won''t like you. Just remember you have a lot to offer and who the heck wouldn''t want to be your friend? You''re a great person and you''ve got nothing to lose by trying.

I don''t suppose there are any other PSr''s in your area? ''Cause we''re always great people to meet up with irl!

 

[gwendolyn]

I have a decent idea about how you''re feeling, m''dear. If you aren''t a big drinker (I''m not) and are trying to make friends in a new place, my suggestion would be to find a vibrant coffeeshop to make your local haunt. I used to work in one that had lots of people of all ages who were friendly and open to new friendships, and would sit and read the paper in the coffeeshop and get into talks and sometimes debates (calm, respectful ones) with the other people in the shop. It was my favourite thing about working there! I loved seeing people make connections with strangers who later turned out to be friends! I myself made friends that way, to the extent that I went to a wedding of a customer, and went on a day-trip with another (as well as going out to dinner).

I think taking classes and being friendly with people at work is great, but if you could find yourself a coffeeshop like mine where people treat it like a community hub and hang out there and chitchat with each other, I think that might be a good way to meet some folks. If the idea of a coffeeshop appeals to you, that is.

 

[laine]

Like others here, I moved to a state where I knew no one. I moved for grad school, so I did have a built-in peer group as soon as school started, but I met people outside of school as well.

One place I met people was at bars. I''m not a big drinker, but I like going to see bands play, and we have a few bars that are a little more oriented to that than to getting wasted. All it took was meeting one person, and I got to meet a whole new group of friends (that eventually led to my BF-yay). I''ve also met people at the Y. I take classes there and see the same girls every time. We would chat a little, but finally one girl invited me out for coffee. We''ve hung out several times now and are going to the movies today.

For me, its not the talking to people thats hard, its turning the casual conversations into more of a friendship. This is where email is a huge help for me--its so much easier for me to email someone and invite them to do something than it is to call. I tend to think that other people have their own friends and that they wouldn''t want to hang out with me, but chances are, most people our age are in the same boat of wanting more friends, and would welcome an invitation to go get coffee, so just ask!

(easier said then done, I know--I have the email address of a girl I met the other day--can''t quite work up the nerve to invite her to do something)

 

[dancingqueen]

Speaking of other PSers in your area, I''m one of them and know exactly what you are going through. I moved to Iowa twelve years ago after living my whole life in Maryland. Even though I''m not "new" to the area, I still feel like that often. When I first moved, I busied myself with a new job and getting my master''s degree. At that time, I didn''t focus much on meeting friends as I was so busy. Lately I''ve thought a lot about not having close girlfriends like the friends I have "back home". I know I''m partially to blame since I didn''t invest much time in developing new friendships, however I''m realizing it''s hard to make those kinds of friendships post-college. With everyone being so busy with jobs, families, etc, it''s just hard. I''m envious of my husband... he has a group of golf buddies and another group of poker buddies and they always seem to have events year-round, but I think friendships like that with men are so much different. I don''t like to go out "partying", but I would love a group of girlfriends to meet up for the occassional cocktail and socialize. After working all week, I do like to go out and do something social/fun on the weekend, just not party like a 21 year old!

I have met friends through my hobbies. I''m a runner and I joined a local running group when I trained for the marathon a few years ago. I have small groups that I can meet up with multiple times/week for a run and maybe coffee after on the weekend morning, but it''s all about running. Not much in common beyond that (they would rather buy running shoes than diamonds!!) We don''t do much outside of the running scene.

I also go to a local gym and have gotten to know several people there, but it''s really just friendly conversation at the gym. For example, there is one girl from the gym that I always run into at the mall and I''ve thought on several times that we could probably become girlfriends or at least meet up for a shopping outing occassionally, but I''m kind of shy about pursuing something like that (don''t want to seem like some stalker!)

I''m also on the local Race for the Cure steering committee and have met many great ladies there.

I also do not have children and it seems that many people I meet hang out with other adults they have met through their kids.

I think all of the above suggestions are great ideas... hobbies, volunteering, etc. It just seems to take more time and energy than it used to! Friends just seemed to magically appear in my younger days!

Monarch also mentioned something about this time of the year and that is an excellent point! It seems like the social scene is very limited when it''s freezing around here. There are many weekend events in this area all summer long and I''d be happy to give you some advice on the local events.

 

[Sabine]

Hey Elmorton, I''m another lonely soul who struggled making new friends in a new area. We moved because of FI''s medical school, and I thought we would have an easy time meeting other med students since most of them are in the same age group. But we also found that almost everyone we met was more interested in going out and partying than actually forming friendships. Although it took about 2.5 years to find some really close friends, there are 2 things that worked for me.
1 - hang out with the older coworkers even though they aren''t really candidates for close friends. The teachers I work with are all at least 10 years older than me, almost all are married with kids. But when they invited me to anything, I went. It got me out of the house and kept me from going crazy, and through some of the activities I did meet younger people. Crazily enough, I went to a Mary Kay party hosted by a teacher, and the Mary Kay consultant was a girl I met through the med school but didn''t really know that well, but she and I started talking, hanging out, and she was able to introduce me to a lot more people our age with similar interests.
2 - join community groups. I joined a church group that runs the youth group for teens. The other volunteers are all WAY older (mostly my parent''s age) but again, through them I kept myself busy and was able to be introduced to other young people in the community. Dance classes through the community center also helped, as well as programs through the library.

Finally, my mom, who is back in my hometown, is divorced and at a difficult time in her life. She joined this group called "Meet and Greet in Pittsburgh" and it sounds AWESOME! They are people of all ages who get together to do really great stuff, ranging from going to shows, concerts, movies to really active stuff like camping. You don''t have to go to any certain number of events, you just show up if you are interested. They draw all kinds of people who are looking to do fun stuff and don''t know a lot of other people. I seriously think there are at least 3 events every weekend. I checked, and there are no groups like this in my area, but you might want to look for something like it in yours!

 

[princesss]

Oh, boy, I hate that stage of moving. Where you''re finally settled enough to want friends to hang out with, but not settled enough to have them already! I''m facing that this summer and am both excited and terrified at the same time.

What''s worked for me in the past have been classes (ceramics, kickboxing, etc.), having a local haunt (I love coffee shops!), and just walking around and talking to people. If I''m hanging out with somebody I seem to get along with, I''ll suggest continuing a conversation at a coffee shop or something. It''s kind of like dating, lol.

I''m a huge believer in talking to people, and it usually works. I love to chat with bartenders, bouncers (on the very rare occasion that I go out clubbing), baristas, the guys behind the counter at Subway, anybody and everybody!

I wouldn''t say I''ve found it harder to meet people having an SO, but I will say I''ve found it harder to make good connections with people, just because I have somebody I already trust and bounce things off of, so I have less of a need for somebody to get close to quickly, if that makes any sense.

 

[Fancy605]

I''m glad to know others feel this way. Elmorton, I''m in your same situation. I finished my masters, got married, and moved to be 1/2 way between my work and his school. Well, that would be nice except for now I am exactly 1 hour (or more) from everyone I know in every direction. I actually had a slight break down about it shortly before we moved here. My husband tried to say everything he could to make me feel better. I don''t work in the same county that I live in, however, I have gotten to be friends with one girl I know from work who lives about 10 min my neighborhood. Otherwise, it can get lonely. I guess I shouldn''t complain b/c I am lucky b/c quite a few of my friends are still single and like stopping by and spending the weekend at the house from time to time. They say my husband and I don''t make them feel like a 3rd wheel, so I guess that''s good, and some of my husband''s friends come over a good bit as well. Plus, my husband''s parents live in my college town, so when we see them, I get to see a few of my girlfriends. What I really want is for them to move to my neighborhood, but that isn''t going to happen. It would be nice however to make some more friends around here besides my 1 teacher buddy.

I am hoping this will change naturally without me having to investigate any friend making avenues once three things happen that we''ve been thinking of doing anyway: 1) We are trying to find a church we enjoy and begin to attend regularly. The problem with this is we haven''t been in town on weekends very much since we''ve lived here, so we haven''t gotten to try out many churches. We both want to find a church though. The trick is finding one we both like. Once we manage to do that, I am willing to bet that as an added bonus we will probably make friends with other congregation members. 2) I am looking into joining a gym. I haven''t been looking too hard, but my husband mentioned a return trip to the Caribbean, which means I need to get myself back into shape, and I am hoping that if I find a gym that it will 2 side effects: toning muscle AND meeting people. 3) I am seriously considering relocating my job. I love my coworkers (it''s actually a pretty young faculty), but it is a long commute, and I am looking into moving into other areas of teaching that I may not be able to find in my current county.

The problem is--by the time I manage to accomplish all of those things, we will probably be moving again. Oh well.

 

[Elmorton]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! I really felt better reading your kind words and also just knowing that it''s hard for everyone, not just me

So, feeling pumped up by all the PS encouragement, I started REALLY thinking hard about getting out there.

I loved the idea of getting on a cultural board, but unfortunately $ is really tight, and from watching my parents'' experiences being on various boards, I know that can get expensive quickly when you''re expected to purchase season tickets, attend benefits, etc. That''s DEFINITELY something I''ll look into though when funds are moving a bit more easily, though.

AND - once it was mentioned, I feel like I''ve seen a dozen women my age walking a dog! Such an excellent idea, and really could be a great way to meet people, but I think Morty and Elmo (our kitties) would be VERY upset if we made an addition to our family.

I looked into book clubs through the library, and I''ve got that on my list to inquire about once I know my schedule better. And, I grabbed a guide when I was at work today about a local community colleges'' community courses - I''m seriously seriously debating joining the community band ($15 for the semester, meets once a week) even though I haven''t picked up my instrument in about 10 years - if I can still run the scales, we''ll see

My biggest move toward making friends happened this afternoon - in college, I was a member of Epsilon Sigma Alpha International Sorority, and we did all sorts of fun stuff to help people in the community - I was reminded of how much fun I had with this when several people mentioned teams, walks, etc. for charity events. While I was a member of a collegiate chapter, it was actually founded as a womens'' society for community service (does work with St. Jude Hospital and other foundations). I found out that in my area, there are five chapters, so I contacted one, and I''m set to attend their next social. The ladies might be a bit older than I am, but I think the comment that it''s important to be open to older friends, ones with children, etc, is really valuable.

If anyone wants to search for a chapter in their area, the website is http://www.esaintl.com

So...that''s my plan! Thank you for all of your ideas and support!!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

...and sometimes when you aren''t even looking, you may meet a fabulous friend! i was in jcpenney''s once(years ago) with my first two and bumped into another mom with toddlers. her toddler had pooped and we laughed(cuz he was stinky) and talked a bit, exchanged numbers, and that little boy just graduated from high school last year and we are still friends.
so sometimes you''re just in the right place, at the right time. it''s something to look forward to, not stress over, finding new friends. sounds like you have some great ideas to get started. have fun.
ps dh and i are probably relocating when #2 child graduates this spring-i''ll be starting over the friendship thing too. kids are DEFINITELY a help-playgrounds, story hour, etc, but i am actually looking forward to new faces after too many years in a small, closse-minded blue collar town. the possibilities are endless

good luck!

 

[karasue91]

just wanted to put my hand up too and let you know I''m in the same boat as well! Just moved from NYC to Calgary, Alberta and FI is still in NYC for 2 months. I''m still in VERY new mode, and FI''s whole family is in Calgary so that has been such a gigantic help. But, I just found out from another girl I work with that the local university will rent all the equipment (including proper clothing!) for basically any kind of outdoor sport I could ever want to do. I''ve never been much of a team sports girl, but I do love doing sporty things and exercising...and the university also has organized trips with a leader to help you and teach you how to do whatever activity it is (skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing, rock climbing, etc).

Anyways, I think the most important thing is to just get out there. I am a bit of an anti-social creature, I have never been the type to have a huge group of friends, normally one or two close friends is exactly what I need. So doing an activity like this sounds really great to me. It sounds like you could find some great friends in that group, and they may not be as old as you think!

Thanks for posting this, I think it makes everyone in our situation feel better to know they aren''t alone.

 

[mirre]

I am not in your situation but I''m worried that I will have a hard time finding people my own age to connect with once I get out of college and into the real "working" world. I guess I''ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I noticed you said you go to church but most of those there are older or are younger families. Have you thought of testing out new churches? Maybe try a new one every couple weeks until you find one that works for you? Or seeing if the church you are attending or another church in town has any kind of young couple groups? I know there''s a few around where I live that have a young singles group maybe they''ll have something for couples? Or even just a young woman''s group?

 

[sap483]

Hey there. I haven''t read through all of the posts, so this may have already been suggested. In Boston we have several young professional''s associations. They sponsor all sorts of events throughout the year, including new member mixers, wine tastiings, dinners, trips to the theater, sporting events, holiday galas etc. Their mission is to help you network with people in your age group. I''ve met lots of new people by going to some of their events. Perhaps your city has something similar?