Making friends as adults

[katamari]

Haven, I am totally of the less is more camp. That is what I was whining to DH this weekend: "It's not like I am trying to meet forty people. Just one!" (Imagine this with a pout in my sad voice). If grad school counts as a job, I met all my favorite friends in school, too, so I guess I need to give my colleagues a better shot. I am volunteering all through the holidays, too, so maybe I will meet more transplants who are unable to go home, too.

I am going to have to give meetup a chance, VRBeauty. I am also pretty shy, so I imagine that I will go and just not say anything to anyone. I will just have to make sure that isn't what happens. I am also not at all against a faith group, either. I just have to find one with active members.

Lulu, I will totally be your Internet friend! I suppose I should be happy that we moved to a very populated city, because I think it would only be so much harder if we were rural. DH also doesn't have a job yet, so I am sure we are feeling each others' pain. Plus, my friends from grad school are the most amazing people on earth and I constantly worry I won't find as good of friends (of course, step one is finding any friends). If I find anything that works, I will totally let you know. Until then, we can commiserate on PS together. Any chance you are in WA?

 

[lulu66]

Haven,

Lulu, I will totally be your Internet friend! I suppose I should be happy that we moved to a very populated city, because I think it would only be so much harder if we were rural. DH also doesn't have a job yet, so I am sure we are feeling each others' pain. Plus, my friends from grad school are the most amazing people on earth and I constantly worry I won't find as good of friends (of course, step one is finding any friends). If I find anything that works, I will totally let you know. Until then, we can commiserate on PS together. Any chance you are in WA?

rural is hard, but trying to make friends is hard regardless. and i feel the exact same way about my friends---they are literally the most amazing group of people on earth & truly great friends who are irreplaceable. so, maybe i have too high standards for friends but i just want one girlfriend to hang out with...is that too much to ask?!?!
unfortunately, not in WA; in the littlest town that ever existed in Cali.

 

[KittyGolightly]

There have been some really great suggestions here. I'll just add a couple that have worked for me - running and swing dancing. Find an activity you really enjoy, and you'll make friends pretty easily.

 

[reader]

I've always made friends online, learned a lot about them, and then met them in real life. Met almost all my friends that way.

 

[CaliSun]

I wish I had wisdom to share, but really wanted to say I feel your frustration...
We moved to Cali a few years ago, and still haven't met anyone outside of work. It's tough now that we are older, married.... seems like being friendly and meeting folks sends out a creepy vibe to some people!

We live in the SF Bay Area, and there are SO many great, fun people here. Unfortunately, we haven't become friendly with anyone outside of work. I admit, I'm a bit of a workaholic, but we get out a lot and we're friendly
Sometimes, I think that people are very into their own thing, and not really open to meeting others, so while I'm being open to friendship, others are thinking about their own world and nothing beyond that. I'm not very direct, as I don't want to seem desperate - but I agree with you, it would be nice to have a buddy to go hit up the sales at Westfield with!

You and I should make a pact - - let's seek out the next PS GTG in our area and do our very best to be a part of it!

 

[asscherisme]

Do any of you feel face book and smart phones and all the technology that was suppose to help us connect actually can make it harder? I don't know, maybe I'm showing my 40 something age but I don't like facebook. And it seems people area always so buried in their phones or kindles or ipods instead of trying to make actual conversation. On the other hand, if you sit next to me on a plane and try and have an in depth conversation with me I'm likely to suddenly get super involved in a book I was not planning on reading or faking a nap. But planes are a different topic

 

[lulu66]

Do any of you feel face book and smart phones and all the technology that was suppose to help us connect actually can make it harder? I don't know, maybe I'm showing my 40 something age but I don't like facebook. And it seems people area always so buried in their phones or kindles or ipods instead of trying to make actual conversation. On the other hand, if you sit next to me on a plane and try and have an in depth conversation with me I'm likely to suddenly get super involved in a book I was not planning on reading or faking a nap. But planes are a different topic

i do see what you're saying: technological distractions hinder "real world" connections. personally, i'm soooo happy to have facebook b/c it does allow me to keep in touch easily with my close friends who i know live across the country from.

 

[Imdanny]

What a great thread. It's practically impossible to make friends as adults. It seems that as adults people have compartmentalized lives and their own agendas. It's a far cry from being in college when you're living among people your own age with a common purpose and people being very young and open to forming friendships, not to mention that you might be living in a dorm with 30 or 50 people with a great sense of community.

I don't have any good advice. I made and lost a couple friends as an adult. One I inadvertently offended and that was that. One I lost her cell phone number after moving far away and I lost contact with her. I have one lasting friendship at this time with someone I didn't meet in school. My friend used to be my neighbor. My SO and all of the rest of my friends are from college (and one from childhood who I met when we were three- but we only talk on the phone every few years- we're more like cousins than best friends at this point).

 

[Autumnovember]

What a great thread. It's practically impossible to make friends as adults. It seems that as adults people have compartmentalized lives and their own agendas. It's a far cry from being in college when you're living among people your own age with a common purpose and people being very young and open to forming friendships, not to mention that you might be living in a dorm with 30 or 50 people with a great sense of community.

I don't have any good advice. I made and lost a couple friends as an adult. One I inadvertently offended and that was that. One I lost her cell phone number after moving far away and I lost contact with her. I have one lasting friendship at this time with someone I didn't meet in school. My friend used to be my neighbor. My SO and all of the rest of my friends are from college (and one from childhood who I met when we were three- but we only talk on the phone every few years- we're more like cousins than best friends at this point).

Ehhh....when I was in undergrad it was the LACK of 'sense of community' that made me move back home. It seemed like so many people formed friendships so early on in freshman year that they weren't all that willing to form new ones. Definitely not true at all for many people but maybe true for some, like me .

The older I get, the smaller my group of friends get. It has been an interesting process to say the least.

 

[Imdanny]

The friends I do have I have to say it sounds bad but I have to put work into maintaining them. I have to call if I haven't called in awhile. You never know if it's the best time. If they want to talk, I have to make myself available to them, even if that means I have to stand outside in the sun to get a signal on my phone. I have to check my email and/or sent off emails. I mean they're not very demanding. We don't have to send birthday and holiday presents to each other, and things like that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that not only is it harder to make friends as an adult but the friendships I have, I know I only have them because they and I put the effort into it.

I know a surprising number of people who aren't willing to do this and don't have friends. In their cases, I think it's because they're not willing to put the effort into it. For example, if you ignore someone long enough, they'll end up moving and you'll lose contact with them. In a way, I understand that. I do put the effort in it, but it's a choice. I can see pretty clearly that if my friends and I weren't willing to put the effort in it, we'd lose contact because we all live very far away from each other.

As far as school, I was fortunate to be able to go to a small, residential college, and I won't lie, it was a great time in my life, when friendships and pretty much everything else came easily to me. As an adult out of school, I noticed very quickly how difficult I found it to make friends, and it hasn't become easier.

I think it's harder, at least it is for me, to make friends as an adult, and it takes more effort to maintain them.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Well I am of no help either. But i just wanted to say that I do sympathise with you!

I have never been good at making friends, (i am pretty socially inept) even in school and it took me 5 years to make those ones. The five of us are still friends now and I think we are closer than what we were at school, because as you get older, you realise that good friends are indeed hard to find.

I have made some friends as an adult through work but not many.There is one girl who has since left and I think we will have a friendship for life because of our love for diamonds. Other than that, i haven't had much luck but i do agree with the advice of finding something you love doing and the rest will follow.

I would either join a gym, sports (yoga/pilates) class, team sport (volleyball, netball, touch rugby), Arts crafts (cardmaking, scrapbooking), maybe there is a local community college where you could do a night class of some sort? I am thinking along the lines of jewelry making or leadlighting. I guess the choices are endless, You just need to find something you love.

I know that you are still 1 -2 years from TTC but when that does happen you will make some friends with a mothers group. My sister is still friends with the mums from her mothers group and their children are 8 years old.

The only other thing I can think of (forgive me if you have already addressed this) is, has your DH struck up any friendships with people he works with? Perhaps they may have partners that you could meet up with? Just a thought.

I wish you luck in making friends! When you find out how, let me know!

 

[purselover]

Most of my friends from adulthood I met through other people. They were either a friend of a friend or the significant other of a friend. If you know even 1 or 2 people you could invite them over for dinner and tell them you're interested in expanding your social circle and would they mind bringing a guest.

 

[iLander]

Well, I have not been able to add to my circle of friends, even though I've tried really hard.

In my old neighborhood, we initiated block parties and New Year's Eve parties, and NEVER got a return invite. Ever. It's not like the neighbors were having great parties without us, it just seemed no one else was ever willing to put in the work and they never had ANY kind of parties. I tried for 5 years, everybody came, seemed to have fun, and when we moved I don't think anyone noticed or cared.

As for work friends, it never worked for me because I was always the boss. Nobody EVER wants to be friends with the boss. The boss has to make tough decisions and they're never popular. It really is lonely at the top.

Once, I invited a couple of suppliers (lady reps) out to lunch and I thought we were being friends. Then one of the ladies said "Well, we had to come, you're the client". So, that didn't work.

What friends I have managed to make, didn't work out. I had one that I managed to offend (like IMDanny did) and one couple we were friends with, well, they had a whole melodrama thing going on; he started to look at me in an inappropriate way, and she started making weird remarks about how he was dreaming about me. Another neighbor/friend accused me of keeping her husband "company" when she was out of town. I was so shocked she would say that to me, I was literally speechless. I told my DH and he burst out laughing. And the thing is, it's not like I'm pretty or threatening!

Does anyone else find it extra hard to make a "couple" friend? Seems like there is an undercurrent of odd jealousy and rivalry just waiting to pop up.

 

[elrohwen]

We've made all of our adult friends through work. When DH started his job he joined a few intramural sports leagues with work people and the guys he played with started inviting us to parties at their houses. Their was kind of a ready made group of friends there for us and we fit in pretty easily. We're closer with some of the couples than others and are actually vacationing with a group of them right now. Now I work at the same company, and it was great to come in and have a group of people to eat lunch with.

I also made a few friends at my last company, but since I left there a year ago I haven't kept in touch with most - they were great people to chat with and hang out with occasionally, but most weren't super close friends, which is often the problem with people you meet at work I guess. We're very lucky to have such a great group through my current company though since it's so hard to make friends as an adult.

It also helps that the majority of the couples in our group have no desire to have kids - that's really the only reason there's such a large group of 30-somethings (DH and I are the youngest couple) who still hang out together all the time. A few have had kids and they come to parties occasionally, but obviously they drop out of the group a bit after that. If everyone were having kids the group would diminish pretty fast.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I think that it is true, it IS harder to find long lasting and deep/meaningful friendships the older you are. Being that I am only 28, I might not have as much experience as some but I was a military brat and I think that I can kind of extend a few bits of insight to this. I feel like the older we get the less tolerance we have for those that are not what we need/like/want in our lives. We see a lot of people for who/what they are and try to surround ourselves with people that emulate the type of person/lifestyle we have and/or want to have. With that being said, the older we become, the harder 'free' time is to come by. I remember thinking when I was younger, 'how hard is it to keep up with friends?!' I would see, move after move, my parents keeping to a smaller 'core' group of friends and then having a lot more of the acquaintances type of friends for occasional dinner parties, ect. I would think of it and try to relate it to my life at the time and it made no sense, now, it totally does. Without being exposed to someone all the time, as you were when you were younger i.e, in school, after school care, ect.- it was a lot easier to maintain a larger group of close friends- you had your 'group' depending on classes, after school activities, ect. Now? It seems like unless you are in a relationship with someone or work with them or see them on a weekly basis, it is harder and harder to keep or develop a more meaningful friendship. With that being said, I would have to agree with Reader, here. I have a lot of GREAT and TRUE friends that I have developed the relationship with online, primarily. I have my core group of close friends but we are scattered across the country, which isn't great for face to face time...but the internet totally helps keep that more open and thank god for Facebook- that is the easiest way to pop in and keep up, in a glace, with a lot of different people. I guess what I am saying here is that it takes a lot of time and effort and unless someone is willing to put the time or effort forth, it is hard to come by in terms of making new friends.

 

[TravelingGal]

katamari, she worked in the same company as me, but I didn't know her until the tradeshow. Her department volunteered her to help my department. She ended up moving to our department when something opened up, then a year later I was promoted and she reported to me. And our friendship still survived.

 

[Haven]

Haven, I am totally of the less is more camp. That is what I was whining to DH this weekend: "It's not like I am trying to meet forty people. Just one!" (Imagine this with a pout in my sad voice). If grad school counts as a job, I met all my favorite friends in school, too, so I guess I need to give my colleagues a better shot. I am volunteering all through the holidays, too, so maybe I will meet more transplants who are unable to go home, too.

Kata--I thought about this thread some more after I posted, so I hope you don't mind my coming back.

Throughout my life I've gone through periods of time where I've felt that there was something wrong with me, or with my ability to relate to others, because I'm just not a big-group-of-friends type of person. I belonged to such a group in high school and college, and I loved my friends, but I still never really opened up to more than a few people in those groups. AND, even when I was a part of them, I often felt like an outsider for some reason--I remember my high school friends reminiscing about "old times" during our senior sleepover, and I had absolutely no memory of those times, for example. It was like I never committed the group experiences to memory for some reason, it was just never important to me.

YET, I do know people who have these large groups of friends that go "way back" and they all hang out together on a regular basis. My best friend's husband had ELEVEN men stand up in their wedding, and most of them were friends from high school. When I hang out with them I often find myself thinking: Why don't I have a group like this? Is there something wrong with me?

I was a part of so many experiences that *could* (or should?) have led to formations of tight-knit groups of friends in my life, yet I have always opted out of them. (My HS group of 8 girls and 8 guys was super close; I was one of 13 tech theatre majors in college and we were all close; I was an RA in college, another close group; I went to the same sleepover camp with the same people for over a decade--hello!) Yet here I am with a handful of good friends, but not a real group. My friends are all from different parts of my life, and I'm okay with that.

SO, why did I just go into all this history? Oh, right, here's my point:
I think some people are "group" people, and some people are one-on-one people.

Also, my guess is that you are a private person, in general. So am I. I actually share so much here on PS that I would NEVER share in real life. I think it's harder for naturally private people to make friends as adults because so much of our repeated exposure to others occurs in professional environments. Even though I've made a good friend at nearly every job I've had as an adult, it has taken a long time for me to do it. I don't like talking about my personal life at work, and all of the friends I've made at work have been people who have taken the initiative to ask me for plans outside of work. I don't think I'll ever be inclined to seek out plans with a colleague, no matter how much I think they'd make a great friend. HOWEVER, since I, too, would love to make some more good friends, maybe I should start doing that. Something to think about, at least.

Volunteering over the holidays is GREAT. I wrapped gifts for donations to our local animal shelter last holiday season, so we were in a big department store for HOURS together every day. People are really happy because it's the holidays, so that fostered a lot of good connections, I thought. And I got to wrap Devin Hester's gifts (and he took a picture with me) so that was a bonus!

Also, all but one of my husband's close friends are friends that he made in his early twenties. He met most of them playing beach volleyball in the summers. I think activities are the best ways to meet people. If we lived near each other I'd sign up for an activity or class with you!

Sorry, this turned out to be a ramble. I share your feelings on this, and wish you luck!

 

[janinegirly]

Yes making friends as adults is more difficult with each passing year, but it is achievable. I've moved multiple times as an adult and it still requires the same tools you used in school/college etc..just with a smaller pool. I suppose there is some similiarity to dating but to me you don't necessarily need to be kindred spirits - just have somethings in common and something to sustain the friendship beyond a few awkward get togethers. It is definitely harder to meet people if you live in an isolated area, that's for sure.

For me the office is one place I've made friends. Not tons, but usually one confidante who I stay friends with - I mean this is where you spend most of your time anyway!

Second way is to join a group where people actually do want to make friends - in our town we have a club for people new to the town etc. But there are probably countless organizations, parent groups, political groups, church events, sports...try to do some research and give everything a try. It takes work and effort like anything worthwhile.

The third way is through networking--do you have any friends who know someone, who knows someone in your town? Sometimes an introduction helps and it's a start. I don't worry so much about finding someone I like whose DH my DH will also like....there has to be some compromise, (by him lol).

 

[katamari]

Thank you all for your responses! I truly appreciate them!

SDL, the friends you have for life are wonderful. FB, e-mail, and Skype definitely make my "old" friends seem much closer than they really are and that definitely helps. I am also going to try some meet-ups and other ways to make friends virtually. There has to be other forums as great as PS that allow PMs, right?!

KittyGoLightly, one of my colleagues swing dance and LOVES it! I am one of the most rigid people of all times, so dancing with me would be unfair to any partner, but I have found some great local classes and have signed up. Unfortunately, most don't start until after the holidays.

Reader, PS is the only forum I post on, but if this is like other forums, I can totally see how it is possible to meet good friends online. I am going to have to give it a shot.

Pact made, CaliSun! (Offering you my pinky for a pinky swear). I will totally go to the next PS GTG in my area. I am also a workaholic and can be almost completely fulfilled by (and certainly fully immersed in) my job. Unfortunately, I think that is part of the problem. Since I am mostly happy working in my free time I haven't put myself out there as much as I could have. My area also has great, fun people, though. But, I agree with you that I often feel desperate when I try to chat people up.

I am real torn on that one, asscherisme. I would feel so alone here if it wasn't for technology. Just today, I got to Skype my mom in for Thanksgiving and make me feel like she was here even though she couldn't be here. And, it is great to still have friends posting on my wall and sending texts, even though most are 2500 miles away. I really agree with lulu about that. However, I am totally iPod on, headphones in, eyes buried in my iPhone or a computer most times I am in public. It is definitely a part of city and modern life that makes meeting people more complicated, but allows you to have better contact once those friendships are established.

Imdanny, I actually think it is a bit harder on me because I work at a college. I teach one class of first-semester, first-year students and seeing how quick and close they are bonding with one another makes me really miss my college friends. It really was a great context to meet people. I wouldn't live in a dorm again to save my life, but it sure was great at the time. And I met some awesome people. I am certainly working extra hard to maintain those friendships now because I really don't want to move them.

Thanks for the well wishes, HOT! DH is still looking for work, unfortunately, but I do hope that he is able to make some friends through his work. The place he has had a few interviews with and seems to really want to be hired at is one neighborhood over from where we live--just a few blocks away. Surely, some people who work there are cool and live nearby. I just have to count on DH to make it until then. I have signed up for a fitness class, a Chinese class, and some cooking classes. They don't start until December or January, but hopefully something will pan out. I will definitely let you know how it works!

I have been sending out some feelers to try to leech some friends off current acquaintances, purselover. I've been invited to a few holiday parties from colleagues who work in my city, so hopefully I can hit it off with one of their friends and get them to help arrange further interactions. Dinner parties sound lovely. It is nice to eat every meal with DH, but it would be good to have some additional company.

What terrible luck, iLander. I have been in some awkward positions with mixed-sex couple friends before. Never accused of that, but since I do really enjoy sports, talking about sports, and video games, there are times where DH, the other guy, and I have been in conversations that isolated the woman in the couple and upset her. In fact, I had an ex-roommate that grew to hate me because I was really good friends with her boyfriend-turned-husband-turned-ex.

Our old group was nice partially because there was no one having kids, Elrohwen. Not that kids aren't great, but they do change the way people hang out. We are going to play Ultimate again as soon as we can sign up again, and I hope that helps. I do also hope DH finds some people through his job, too. I didn't know you and your DH were working together. That's cool! (Well, assuming one of you isn't working for the other. That would probably not be so cool).

Yes, Strawdermangrl, thank heavens for fb. I think I really would be depressed without it. And, I do see your point about having less tolerance and certainly less time for people as we get older. Proximity and exposure definitely makes us be friends with others that we probably wouldn't be friends with otherwise. And, as time gets more scarce, those are the same people we cut out.

Thanks, TGal .

Haven, I am so totally like you with the HS/UG amnesia! I thought I was the only one. My friends on fb will post pictures at events that I somewhat remember, but then go on to recall exact play-by-play of the occasion, make inside jokes, or reminisce about other occasions. It honestly makes me feel like I must have some undetected brain damage some times, but I totally believe it is just that it wasn't so important to me. I moved to my HS during HS. I knew I wanted to go away for college. In UG, I knew I wanted to go away to grad school. So, despite meeting some great individuals, I did see most of our larger group as people that would just be in my life temporarily. I am incredibly private, as you called. In fact, I turned to PS because I was experiencing LIW-itis and would never, ever have felt comfortable sharing that with my RL friends. I also don't like personal talk at work. Not that I don't work with some great people, I just feel like there is a game face that comes with teaching and researching that making the environment personal would interfere with. Too much emotional labor going on there, I guess. We are volunteering a ton over the holidays. We are not going to be able to go home, and our families are not able to come out here, so it just made sense to try to volunteer as much as possible. I think it might also be a good way to meet other transplants in similar situations (or professional athletes ).

I am trying to network a bit, janinegirl, but it is something I am new to trying. I think the groups are a great way to go. I am trying volunteering and classes most directly right now, but I certainly intend to try that as well.

Thanks, again, to everyone! I cannot reiterate how great it has made me feel to know I am not alone in this.

 

[galeteia]

Well, I've heard that the factors which create (romantic) relationships are similarities and proximity, so it would make sense it's also true of friendships.

I find at my age (30) everyone just has less free time. People have jobs, kids, marriages, etc that require investment of time, and there are only so many hours in the day. I have made friends with coworkers only to drift apart when our schedules change to day vs nights, many potential friends have childcare issues and don't have the freedom to zip off for a movie or a girls' night. Relationships don't maintain themselves, and often times on those rare occasions where they have free time and are kid-free for the night, they (understandably) want to spend that time with their partner. As you get older, free time becomes a precious commodity.

Also, I find as I grow older, I am less likely to be friends with those I have nothing in common with. When you are a college kid, the world is fluid and filled with shades of grey, but I have found as I grew older and my opinions solidified, if someone has an opposing view it absolutely colours my view of them.

I do have online friends and appreciate them, but I miss having friends nearby. We need some sort of a dating site where it pairs you with local people you could become friends with.

 

[bee*]

The new friends that I've made as an adult have been through the gym. We all do the same classes about four times a week and then socialise every couple of weekends. It definitely is difficult to make good friends as an adult.

 

[diva rose]

I know you've mentioned not being keen on work friends however I do recommend trying there also.
Some of my closest friends I have met through work. I've left the work place but we're still very close.
We make contact on a regular basis via fb or online (msn/emails) and meet every month or so. They also live far from me - about 30-40km. Through work, you are more likely to find people with similar morals or interests. I wouldn't rule it out.

How you can befriend people from work:
- have lunch or tea breaks together
- meet after work for a quick drink or dinner
- find a common ground or area of interest e.g. share ideas or beauty products etc. I think sharing information is a great way to build rapport expecially beauty tips. I find this works. I started becoming close to my work friends via sharing food links/recipes and beauty tips.

Once you find a bond with someone, you introduce partners by meeting on weekends.

 

[gemgirl]

I think it's darned near impossible to make friends as an adult, except for being involved in some sort of group that has a common interest. I don't work, so that cancels out work friends for me. I moved to where I'm living now nearly 20 yrs ago and have exactly five girlfriends that I met since since the move, however my longest friend of fifteen yrs. recently dumped me and one moved to another state. We have plenty of friends through my husband's involvement with various fishing clubs over the years and we have friends from our marriage ministry, but no one that we socialize with. Yet I have a HUGE Christmas card list! We just don't have personal friends as a couple, at least not anyone my husband would like to spend time with outside of our common interest environment.

I do have my life long bestie of 40 yrs and I love her and I'm very thankful for her.

 

[Haven]

Kata--It's a shame we don't live near each other, we sound very much alike!

I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one with amnesia-like symptoms. This might sound ridiculous, but in 2002 my 42-year-old uncle died of a brain tumor, and I was terrified that I also had one because of these issues I have. I got over the fear, of course, but I can't say that no doubt remains.

I hope you enjoy volunteering over the holidays. It really can be so much fun, and you get that happy high from doing it. Enjoy!

 

[trillionaire]

I was going to submit another vote for Meetup.com. Do what you enjoy, and meet people with similiar interests!

 

[rosetta]

hmm. i just realised that since leaving university, i have made 2 real friends only. all my good friends are from many years ago. in fact, even though i live on a different continent, my school friends still keep in touch 10-15 years down the line.

i dont know the secret of making friends, and not just acquaintances in adulthood!

 

[Arkteia]

When we moved to another coast, it was a "culture shock" for me. Since we are "old parents", we do not fit into groups that have kids the same age as our son. I would ask your old friends, from the place in which you lived before, if they know at least one couple in your area that they think would be a good "friendship" match and introduce you to each other, if through the phone call or online. This is how we met our first friends.

And since we are too busy to network socially, I have been thinking about rockhunting clubs. There are a few in our area, and people in them share my interests. Since we live in a "hiking and biking" state, and I hate both, the only thing that could push me to become physically active is rockhunting because it serves a purpose. I bet there are similar clubs in each state. Maybe this is a place to meet people, too.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I haven't read the responses yet - I promise I will tomorrow!

I have to say, I'm outgoing and I make friends fairly easily, BUT I tend to be really lazy about making the effort. Especially since I have really amazing great friends from high school that I still keep up with (despite not having lived in the same place with them for 6 years now). Of course, I've been a student up until now so who knows if the ability to make friends will drastically change. I do have to say - I'm not super close with my friends from law school. However, I became really good friends with my co-workers/fellow summer associates from my summer jobs.

But anyway - sorry rambling. Long day.

I'm usually fine if I make the effort, but like I said, I'm lazy, and I'm a homebody - I hate, hate bars and clubs and such. So I have no idea if I'll be able to make friends outside of school - I may end up becoming Crazy Cat Lady!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Hehe, I made a friend through a PS get together (Hi JStar!), but then she moved to the other side of the country...lamezors.

To be honest though, I've also been the kind of person who doesn't particularly like maintaining large social groups. I like having a close handful of friends. In fact, I'm the only person I know that actually defriends people on facebook (I like to keep it at 200 or so, I know, I'm evil). I mostly am just happy being with my husband in my free time, and I can honestly say that there really isn't anywhere I'd rather be than on a couch with him. I'm a home body in that sense.

I don't really like making close friends at work either (in my case, grad school) just because in part we'll likely be coworkers in the future, and I can't be as open with them as I otherwise would be because in my mind they were my professional acquaintances first and my friends second. I know that doesn't make sense because if I made a friend, who then happened to go to my school/workplace, I'd be thrilled. But truth is I'm kind of weird and unconventional in many ways, and I'm in a very conventional/traditional field of work and most of my classmates already think of me as the "eccentric" one, so I'm not as comfortable being "myself".

The friends that I have made have also mainly been through interest groups as well, and often of various ages. I think if I wanted to further expand my circle, i"d do more art classes.

 

[Mara]

Making friends has not been too difficult. But, you have to have some type of base with which recommendations will come to you. aka 1-2 good friends that you can get out and about with or a few couple friends that will then introduce you to other friends. It would probably be very hard to make friends as an adult in a new area with absolutely no connection to anyone else. I have lived in this area all my life.

I am, funnily enough, known within my circle as the sixth degree of separation. I tend to have lots of acquaintances and I end up introducing everyone to everyone through parties a few times a year and then the people who click tend to go off and make their own friendships. It's kind of funny because I never did this on purpose, it was just a matter of having everyone *I* liked all together a few times a year and suddenly they were forming branches on the tree relationships. Sometimes they would become great friends, and my friendship with one would peter out.

Work is another great place to meet people--but it depends on your industry and if you like the people you work with. I have always tried to make a concerted effort to love my team and the people around me at work, I literally won't take a job if it seems as though I won't like my team or coworkers in the overall organization...you spend way too much time at work to not at least like or respect those with you and I had one bad working environment and am very watchful for the signs. I've made 2-3 of my great friends through work-- plus misery loves company so when a project is going horribly you love to talk about it with those around you over drinks which can form bonds.

Online is great as well--if you have a Meetup group near you, to find like interests (aka red wine lovers, gardening, salsa dancing) and then go to some of the meetups. You already have things in common so you just have to find people whose personalities you click with. And Yelp, if you have a big city near you, it is really easy to meet lots of people on there--again like interests such as the places you like to eat or shop at and they have meetups many times a year. I have made 1-2 of my best friends on there in the last 3 years-- people I probably never would have met otherwise.

Really it's about putting yourself out there and being open to it and then looking for those you click with. And IMO, knowing when to just move on from a fledgling friendship that was not what you thought it might be. I am definitely a less is more person, and don't like having a ton of people around me that I don't feel invested with. I think adults find it harder to get outside of their comfort zones, because there are so many ways to fill your life and time without being social, but thankfully online meshing with real life more and more often is making it easier for kindred souls to find each other.