Living together before marriage

[misscuppycake]

How many of you lived with your significant other before getting engaged/married?

For you - was this an absolute MUST before deciding that you wanted to be with this person forever? Was it something your partner needed/wanted to do before he could truly know if you were the one?

General thoughts on this topic?

 

[missy]

Let me preface by saying how personal a choice this topic is and ofc it depends on the couple involved. I actually didn't live with my dh until we got married (or the day before actually). That was a personal choice on my part and there really is no one fits all here. I think the great majority of couples live together before marriage though and if you were to do a poll I bet it would reflect that.

I mean, we traveled together and "lived together" for weeks at a time on vacation and spent weekends together every weekend throughout our courtship/dating relationship but living together full time was not something on my list of wants. I liked the freedom of having my apartment and my solitude when I wanted it and the companionship of my dh (bf at the time) when I wanted that. It was a perfect arrangement at that time.

Once I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my bf I was good to move in but that was the day before we went to city hall and eloped. It just worked out that way though and once we had made that commitment I would have been good with moving in together-it's just that our home was not ready till the day before we decided to elope. For me it had to do with commitment and knowing I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him if that makes sense.

From my point of view (and again, no rights or wrongs just personal opinion) living together once you know you want to make a commitment to your SO (and vice versa of course) is good but living together to "try it out" not as good. But then again, it really depends on what you as a couple are looking for. It's OK to live together as long as you are both on the same page regarding commitment.

But take that out of the equation (that is, being on the same page regarding what you want and expect out of the relationship) and I think problems can arise.

 

[pandabee]

For me, I view or as the next step if commitment. I would like to live with SO in the future but I don't know when it'll happen because we are still figuring out what the job situation is for next year. I am over at his place pretty much every night (or was before I had rotations. I am with him on weekends only now) but I know that isn't the same. I am excited for when it can finally happen though

 

[Schafenm]

We plan on moving in together after I graduate next december. We will be engaged by then, but financially it just doesn't make sense for us right now. I still get to live at home while I pay for school so I do not have any bills every month and that would change if we moved in together. I do stay with him the 2 weeks he is on leave form work and then I go home the 2 weeks he is at work. It works for us and his roommate takes care of the dog because I cannot bring her with me (she doesn't play well with other dogs). I am so ready to move in all the way because I am tired of living out of a suitcase, but this is the route where we can start saving for our wedding!!

 

[princesss]

I've done it before and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. BF and I are actually currently trying to figure out how to make this work.

I loved living with my ex. I seriously loved everything about it (okay, except for the week after we broke up). It was just part of a natural progression of our relationship and wasn't done as a test - I think setting it up as a test is a mentality that doesn't exactly doom you to failure, but doesn't really say a lot about your faith in your choices and your relationship.

I think it's hilarious when people point to living together as a cause of a lot of couples not making it to the altar - isn't that a good thing? If a couple isn't going to make it, isn't it better to figure that out before they make those vows? If that's not what you want to do, that's cool, but I've had it pointed out to me more than once that I'd be married by now if I hadn't lived with my ex and it's always said with this kind of snide tone - well, yeah, I might have been! And thank God I'm not. He's a great guy, but what we wanted out of life was incompatible, and I'd be unhappy and trying to turn myself into somebody I'm not in order to make the relationship work. It wasn't living together that kept me from getting married, it was being in the wrong relationship.

 

[MBKRH]

M and I moved in together after dating for four months. (Keep in mind, we had worked with each other for almost a year, so I've known his mannerisms and studied his behavior).

It wasn't so much a MUST- I lived at home, and my parents were moving to a suburb I don't care for (plus it would have increased my commute to work). I thought "Why move in with them, pay a third of the rent, when I can get a place with M and pay half the rent and have privacy?"
M was also living at home, and it just seemed to be the logical thing to do. He said many times that he didn't have doubts moving in with me; he just "knew" and "felt" that it was right.

We've now been living together over a year, and things are going well. There have been a few stressful moments over money here and there, but nothing that made either of us go "Moving in together was a bad decision!" We get along well. Chores are done, bills get paid.
Overall, it feels like we ARE married. 6 more years and it would be common-law, but Illinois doesn't recognize common-law marriages.

 

[gem_anemone]

It's hard to say if would ever have agreed to marry someone that I didn't live with before engagement. I lean towards no. I am not sure I would ever have felt comfortable enough to make a permanent life altering decision like that without determining for certain if it would work long term for me or not. I guess it's possible that couples can stay the night at each others places enough and learn enough about their habits to make an informed decision before marriage on whether or not it would be tolerable to cohabitate with them after marriage, but to me that risk is too high. When DH moved in with me we already had the marriage talk, so I knew it was what we were heading towards. I wasn't treating it as a trial stage, however, *if* I would have found during that time that I couldn't stand living with him there's no way I would have bought a house with him or married him.

I previously lived with only one other boyfriend before DH about a decade before I met him when I was young and stupid and not even considering marriage, so it's not like I was just jumping around living with different SO's until one finally agreed to marry me. I let DH move in with me because I truly believed he was Mr. Right. In hindsight he would have been Mr. Right whether we lived together first or not, but again, there's no way I would have believed it if not for seeing it for myself!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

I have lived with my SO for a year now and we moved in together after only 4 months of dating. I'm late 20's he's early 30's and we both had never lived with past SOs. I wouldn't marry someone without living with them!

 

[star sparkle]

Let me preface by saying how personal a choice this topic is and ofc it depends on the couple involved. I actually didn't live with my dh until we got married (or the day before actually). That was a personal choice on my part and there really is no one fits all here. I think the great majority of couples live together before marriage though and if you were to do a poll I bet it would reflect that.

I mean, we traveled together and "lived together" for weeks at a time on vacation and spent weekends together every weekend throughout our courtship/dating relationship but living together full time was not something on my list of wants. I liked the freedom of having my apartment and my solitude when I wanted it and the companionship of my dh (bf at the time) when I wanted that. It was a perfect arrangement at that time.

Ditto all of this, and missy, you said it much better than I could have! FI and I don't currently live together, and won't until right before the wedding. I would have been ok with moving in once the "official" commitment had been made (ie engagement), but we got engaged just a few weeks after I had renewed my apartment lease. A month or so after that, FI was lamenting how much he wished we could just move in together then and save a bunch of money, but he knew my desires on the issue and my feeling is that he should have thought of that before waiting until he did to propose (he'd had the ring for about 6 months by that time).

We pretty much live together now, we alternate staying at my apartment or his apartment, and I can't remember the last time we spent a night apart when we were both in town. It's been so nice to have my own space, though, so it works for us.

That said, I'm very excited for us to move in together officially in a couple of months!

 

[diamondringlover]

I moved in with him after going out for a couple of months..we lived together for 15 months before we got married and we will have been together for 30 years in Feb

 

[AmeliaG]

I think it's OK as long as its not a requirement to test a potential marriage. Bluntly put, I don't think it's a good test.

I also feel strange about it being referred to as the next step, and then engagement as the next step after that. Of course they are, but when I hear couples talk like that, I sense an undercurrent of fear. They appear to be afraid of marriage and the only way they can warm up to the idea. Is to take baby steps.

That's not how I would like to go into it. There is a fine line between careful consideration and seeing monsters under the bed.

 

[fabulousfindk]

I have conflicted but strong feelings about this one. First, respectfully, I completely agree that each couple is different and there is no right or wrong answer to this question! But personally, I would not marry someone who I had not first lived with - I definitely think it is the only REAL way to know how you will function LIVING together, day after day, and it gives you both the opportunity to figure out your roles in the household and what you each will or won't compromise on, etc. SO important to know how this will work before committing to one another! This being said I do think you should have an understanding about your future before moving in together, lest you end up living with several partners and I can imagine it would be ten times harder to break up after having lived together. Also, there's kind of no going back once you move in, you either break up or move forward!

All this to say that, in some cases I do think you have to be cautious about getting too comfortable "just" living together. In my case, I've lived with my SO for almost five years, and we have no current plans to get engaged or married though we are both 100% committed to one another and do plan on getting married eventually. We're both guilty of the line of thinking - though it's not necessarily a BAD thing, just the way it is - "Why get married when we already feel/act/look married?" It just seems like a lot of expense (that we can't afford) and stress (that we don't have time for) to go through this big ceremony etc when the end result will be the same - us in domestic bliss in our little apartment with our doggies!

 

[madelise]

How many of you lived with your significant other before getting engaged/married?

For you - was this an absolute MUST before deciding that you wanted to be with this person forever? Was it something your partner needed/wanted to do before he could truly know if you were the one?

General thoughts on this topic?

I lived with SO for 7 months before we parted ways as we both needed to be in two different geographical locations. I don't believe in "The One" (see other thread ) but I do have to believe he is someone I'm willing to settle down with before moving in with him.. and of course, after living together, I might just change my mind about my willingness to commit with this person!


Living together, and actually moving all your belongings and sharing finances, not just "spending the night/weekend/whatever", is a HUGE step, and I don't think anyone should do it BEFORE knowing that he is a potential "The One". Separating finances and materials is such a PITA. I'd never do it with anyone I wasn't already committed to.

Would I do it again? Yes. I miss living with SO so much. BUT I also like my independence. I learned a lot while we lived together the last time, and I will never spend every free moment with SO again. I lost a lot of my independence, and my sense of self. I now know that living together does not equal spending every second with and for him.

 

[audball]

I've done it before and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. BF and I are actually currently trying to figure out how to make this work.

I loved living with my ex. I seriously loved everything about it (okay, except for the week after we broke up). It was just part of a natural progression of our relationship and wasn't done as a test - I think setting it up as a test is a mentality that doesn't exactly doom you to failure, but doesn't really say a lot about your faith in your choices and your relationship.

I think it's hilarious when people point to living together as a cause of a lot of couples not making it to the altar - isn't that a good thing? If a couple isn't going to make it, isn't it better to figure that out before they make those vows? If that's not what you want to do, that's cool, but I've had it pointed out to me more than once that I'd be married by now if I hadn't lived with my ex and it's always said with this kind of snide tone - well, yeah, I might have been! And thank God I'm not. He's a great guy, but what we wanted out of life was incompatible, and I'd be unhappy and trying to turn myself into somebody I'm not in order to make the relationship work. It wasn't living together that kept me from getting married, it was being in the wrong relationship.

princesss sums it up pretty well for me. I know her and I have similar stories. I don't think I'd be as easily convinced to accept a marriage proposal from someone I hadn't lived with. I've done it before, and neither of them worked out. It's not a bad thing, it was a learning experience. When I moved in with each, I intended for the relationship to progress to marriage. Unfortunately I was young, naive, and in both cases we grew apart.

Andrew and I officially moved in together after one year of dating. We'd pretty much been spending ever night together for at least 6 months before we officially combined households. We've also agreed that we'll be engaged by the end of our first year living together (by July 2013.)

I know it's not for everyone, but having been in relationships where little nuances came about (that were learned while living together) that ended up being dealbreakers for me...I'm 100% for cohabiting before marriage.

 

[Chewbacca]

I moved in with my SO nearing our fourth anniversary. We have lived together for two years now. We discussed that our living together, while undoubtedly convenient, was something to be taken seriously. It is very clear between us that indefinite living together without being married is not an option. We are finally reaching a point (age, job, finance) where it is feasible to LEVEL UP.

In our social circles we are the odd ones out - everyone else is either living with their SO with no intention of marriage, or have gotten married and THEN moved in together due to religious beliefs. We confuse each group, ha ha!

As an aside, our finances remain separate, we split everything down the middle. How does everyone else do it?

 

[Dancing Fire]

yes,but no HANKY PANKY...

 

[missy]

I've done it before and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. BF and I are actually currently trying to figure out how to make this work.

I loved living with my ex. I seriously loved everything about it (okay, except for the week after we broke up). It was just part of a natural progression of our relationship and wasn't done as a test - I think setting it up as a test is a mentality that doesn't exactly doom you to failure, but doesn't really say a lot about your faith in your choices and your relationship.

I think it's hilarious when people point to living together as a cause of a lot of couples not making it to the altar - isn't that a good thing? If a couple isn't going to make it, isn't it better to figure that out before they make those vows? If that's not what you want to do, that's cool, but I've had it pointed out to me more than once that I'd be married by now if I hadn't lived with my ex and it's always said with this kind of snide tone - well, yeah, I might have been! And thank God I'm not. He's a great guy, but what we wanted out of life was incompatible, and I'd be unhappy and trying to turn myself into somebody I'm not in order to make the relationship work. It wasn't living together that kept me from getting married, it was being in the wrong relationship.

princesss sums it up pretty well for me. I know her and I have similar stories. I don't think I'd be as easily convinced to accept a marriage proposal from someone I hadn't lived with. I've done it before, and neither of them worked out. It's not a bad thing, it was a learning experience. When I moved in with each, I intended for the relationship to progress to marriage. Unfortunately I was young, naive, and in both cases we grew apart.

Andrew and I officially moved in together after one year of dating. We'd pretty much been spending ever night together for at least 6 months before we officially combined households. We've also agreed that we'll be engaged by the end of our first year living together (by July 2013.)

I know it's not for everyone, but having been in relationships where little nuances came about (that were learned while living together) that ended up being dealbreakers for me...I'm 100% for cohabiting before marriage.

Care to expand upon that? When my dh and I moved in together and got married it did take some adjusting to but we worked through it. Little stuff like leaving the toilet seat up lol. I am curious what little nuances were deal breakers for you.

 

[Dandi]

DH and I lived together for 2.5 years before we got married, having been together but living separately for 5 years prior to that, as we each had separate mortgages. We had a busy year both changing jobs, getting engaged and building a house, so the living together thing was just natural progression, and the rest (marriage, kids etc) would follow in due course. I was fairly young when we got engaged (22) and he was nearly 30, so neither of us were in any flying hurry to get married anyway. We just wanted to get the house sorted while casually picking away at wedding planning, so the whole affair was very low stress for both of us, plus spreading out the financial outlay of a wedding over such a period of time felt easier on the bank balance! And now, we've just celebrated out 5th wedding annoversary and are expecting baby #1 in two weeks... my, how time flies, don't it?!?!

 

[fabulousfindk]

We used to split finances down the middle, but now that I'm going back to school and he's making a lot more, he takes care of all the household utilities and we just split the rent. He offered, and it just makes sense. I think everyone will have different arrangements that work for them.

Dealbreakers for me would be not sharing household chores, not cleaning up after oneself, or a lifestyle or routine that didn't mesh.. I mean what better way to make sure this is the person you want to live daily life with, than to live daily life with them?

 

[madelise]

yes,but no HANKY PANKY...

HAH! Snort!!!

 

[pandabee]

We used to split finances down the middle, but now that I'm going back to school and he's making a lot more, he takes care of all the household utilities and we just split the rent. He offered, and it just makes sense. I think everyone will have different arrangements that work for them.

Dealbreakers for me would be not sharing household chores, not cleaning up after oneself, or a lifestyle or routine that didn't mesh.. I mean what better way to make sure this is the person you want to live daily life with, than to live daily life with them?

I heard on the radio this morning (so don't know how accurate this is) that 70% of divorces are due to some sort of household agreement, which includes money management, how to take care of chores, etc. only 20% are due to cheating or infidelity. So yeah I stand by my view that it's important to live with someone to understand how they approach their daily tasks. It's not that I feel like I'm scared to commit all the way...I totally would but it's just making sure that you agree or can tolerate the little things.

 

[audball]

I know it's not for everyone, but having been in relationships where little nuances came about (that were learned while living together) that ended up being dealbreakers for me...I'm 100% for cohabiting before marriage.

Care to expand upon that? When my dh and I moved in together and got married it did take some adjusting to but we worked through it. Little stuff like leaving the toilet seat up lol. I am curious what little nuances were deal breakers for you.

Happy to! Sorry I didn't get to responding sooner...my family did Thanksgiving yesterday so we were out of town and traveling!

So I've had 2 live in boyfriends/relationships prior to this one.

In the first one, the issue we broke up over was a combination of things: infidelity and drinking. We spent A LOT of time together before moving in but he NEVER drank in front of me. Ever. As far as I knew, he didn't drink. After we moved in, that didn't change, for awhile. He was good at hiding it, but eventually you just can't hide your habits. It came out and that was NOT okay with me (because of the level it was). My father is an alcoholic and I didn't want that for myself. It turned he was (and had) been unfaithful many times as well, but that I didn't know about until right before the end. So this one, while maybe not the most common thing, was something that was a big deal that I didn't find out was even issues until we were living together and we stopped being careful/no longer found ways to hide it.

In the second one, the issue was a difference in values, particularly in financials. Before we moved in, we were 100% in agreement on these things. He was sooo good with money. Saved every penny until he had enough to buy what he wanted. Never used credit irresponsibly. Having grown up pretty poor/below middle class, this was something I highly valued. And one day, around a year after we'd be living together, he went and made a frivolous purchase with a lot of money he'd been saving for something else. At that point it wasn't "our" money because we didn't have shared finances, but I generally think that if you're going to spend as much as he did, that it should at least not be a surprise. I didn't like it, but I let it slide. And over the next 4 years, it got worse and worse. Total lack of respect and responsibility with financial issues. He forced a lot of the burden of money onto me. I personally let it go on far longer than I should have. I was truly in denial for many years since it was so different than when we met. I didn't recognize the man. But it never got better, it got worse. Until I decided that it wasn't going to work for me. It hadn't been for a long time and it was only getting worse. He's a stuff kind of guy. Stuff made him happy. I'm just not wired that way and we constantly fought. Other things came up as well, including an issue on kids. When I first met him I told him I'd always thought I'd end up a stay at home Mom. He apparently never thought that was awesome, but pretended it was. It wasn't until a few years into our relationship that he stated his true feelings, that he never wanted children. The older I get the more I can say that I'm on the fence on this issue, but knowing it was off the table wasn't okay with me. A lot of these things were also due to a lack of communication, but communication can't be one sided and he never wanted to talk. Part of me wishes I had let go sooner, but in reality I'm glad I didn't . I learned a lot in the years I spent with him and ultimately he is the one who introduced me to Andrew who makes me happier than I've ever been.

I certainly didn't mean that things like leaving up the toilet seat, etc are dealbreakers. They're not, for me. I agree that all those things are part of learning to live together, compromise, and respecting each other's preferences.

 

[missy]

Hey audball, thanks for your reply. I see what you are saying for sure. The longer you are with someone the more their true colors are going to show. I think living together might speed up that process so I can see its value. It's funny because I am so old fashioned in certain ways yet so not in others. For many I absolutely understand where living together before marriage could be invaluable and yet for me it would not have been something I would have wanted to do. Maybe that's why I dated my SO for so long before I knew I was ready for marriage. Thanks for sharing!

 

[CaprineSun]

Ideally, I would rather not live with my SO before marriage. I hope to keep separate living spaces until we marry, even if we are spending significant amount of time at one another's place. I just think it's for the best, IMO.

 

[steelmagnolia]

I did not live with my DH prior to marriage and can honestly say it was for the best that we did not. He has OCD to a level I wasn't quite aware of until I entered his military dorm room upon joining him at the base we were to live, about 10 days after the wedding. Prior to that he'd always shared with a roommate and I wrongly assumed that he was slightly less tidy than he was. When I saw the shirts hanging in the closet according to sleeve length and color, and innocently asked what the small paintbrush near the stereo was for (to clean between the dials better! ) ... it struck me that had my very slobby self known then what I was getting into, I might not have felt up to the task. Our first blowout argument as a married couple was over my leaving my shoes neatly tucked under the barstool for more than 24 hours! Nearly 20 yrs later he is much more relaxed and I've learned to be more tidy, but oh my, those days. Even something that seems so minor now was quite the adjustment then! I wouldn't have believed then that those things could actually be "deal breakers" and obviously they weren't for us, but I could easily see it having gone the other way with our temperaments, or couples who are more of the "trying it out" type!

I do agree that it is quite individual according to the couple, and what will work best/well for some, may not for others. I also strongly agree with the level of commitment and being on the same page is necessary prior to moving in with one another, as I've seen it work out not so well for those couples in which one partner thought the moving in was a step in certain directions and the other did not.

 

[missy]

I did not live with my DH prior to marriage and can honestly say it was for the best that we did not. He has OCD to a level I wasn't quite aware of until I entered his military dorm room upon joining him at the base we were to live, about 10 days after the wedding. Prior to that he'd always shared with a roommate and I wrongly assumed that he was slightly less tidy than he was. When I saw the shirts hanging in the closet according to sleeve length and color, and innocently asked what the small paintbrush near the stereo was for (to clean between the dials better! ) ... it struck me that had my very slobby self known then what I was getting into, I might not have felt up to the task. Our first blowout argument as a married couple was over my leaving my shoes neatly tucked under the barstool for more than 24 hours! Nearly 20 yrs later he is much more relaxed and I've learned to be more tidy, but oh my, those days. Even something that seems so minor now was quite the adjustment then! I wouldn't have believed then that those things could actually be "deal breakers" and obviously they weren't for us, but I could easily see it having gone the other way with our temperaments, or couples who are more of the "trying it out" type!

I do agree that it is quite individual according to the couple, and what will work best/well for some, may not for others. I also strongly agree with the level of commitment and being on the same page is necessary prior to moving in with one another, as I've seen it work out not so well for those couples in which one partner thought the moving in was a step in certain directions and the other did not.

OMG!!!! That's just like my dh too! He is compulsively neat (IMO) and it did take some time to work the kinks out (not the fun ones haha) regarding this issue. Ofc I had more advance notice than you I think. The first time I realized there was a problem was a weekend trip to DC for my dh's firm. We had just driven 6 hours in Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and we had a short time before the party and I was exhausted so when we got to the hotel room I just dropped my coat on the bed and my dh (bf at the time) asked if I was going to hang that up or should he....really???!!! LOL. It took a decade (and then some) but he is more laid back about the neatness thing. Still really neat and all but livable neat. And perhaps I got a bit more organized.
His closet is also crazily neat and arranged perfectly. But I use his skills to my advantage and every year he helps organize all 10 of my closets. We are nice balances for our men don't you think steelmagnolia?

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

I did not want to live with my now hubby before marriage... only because in my relationship prior to this one, I had lived with him for nearly 5 years and nothing transpired out of it other than feeling like an overcooked egg. However, Mr. Resonance was adamant about living together before marriage and so.. other things transpired and we moved in together about 8 months after we started dating and 15 months into the relationship he proposed. I am basically his first everything, first gf, first person he's lived with that he wasn't related to, ect. Everyone is different and I wouldn't suggest one way or another. But I am glad I lived with him so I can learn how to deal with his little eccentricities about how he does things (for example: it drives me NUTS that he leaves the cabinet doors open)... and he can learn to deal with mine and accept them.

 

[atp223]

We moved in together after 2 years of dating, with the understanding that we would get engaged by the end of the first year living together. We bought the ring a couple months into that, and he proposed after about 6/7 months.

I had mixed feelings on the subject, but it was very important to my FI. It certainly was nice having someone to pay half my rent. Like Resonance of Life (and a couple others) mentioned, I was glad we got to live together prior to marriage or engagement, because there WERE lots of weird little things I had never noticed (same probably goes for him), despite the fact we had had "sleepovers" almost every night. There's something different about balancing control over a small shared space. Not that I ever thought we would break up, but knowing that if it absolutely didn't work out, there were no legal or financial consequences, was reassuring. The issues were quickly worked out though and then it was lots of fun . We also opened a joint checking account just for household expenses, and that took a lot of the stress out of who was paying for what around the apt, etc. - we used the joint account for rent, all bills, and dinners/drinks out (if we both were there). Most of his friends have been married awhile, so it was fun to also feel like a "unit".

As a semi-related side note, that was last summer (2011), and we just bought a 5 bedroom house...so we have plenty of space now, but recently combined *all* of our finances. Combining finances has been like moving in together all over again. The biggest difference between the two of us is how we spend money - FI is a huge saver, and doesn't buy very much for himself, whereas I would save a moderate predetermined amount and then buy whatever I want with the balance. I consented to a really strict budget when we bought the house, but having someone tell you how to spend your money (or not spend it) is hard!

If I had any advice for girls considering moving in with their boyfriends, it would be (1) only move in together if you're both on the same page in terms of timeline for marriage - and if you want marriage soonish, make sure he understands, and (2) discuss budgets and what you are doing with your money. Don't combine money till you are positive you are getting married, or are married, but if you discuss budgets and spending in advance (which we did), I imagine it will be easier than if you have different spending habits but have never discussed what your financial plan will be after you get married. To me, this whole combining of fiances thing was almost as tricky as moving in together!

 

[audball]

Hey audball, thanks for your reply. I see what you are saying for sure. The longer you are with someone the more their true colors are going to show. I think living together might speed up that process so I can see its value. It's funny because I am so old fashioned in certain ways yet so not in others. For many I absolutely understand where living together before marriage could be invaluable and yet for me it would not have been something I would have wanted to do. Maybe that's why I dated my SO for so long before I knew I was ready for marriage. Thanks for sharing!

Glad to explain

You nailed it on the head, people can only hide their true colors for so long and when you live with someone, it becomes harder to hide something (assuming you have something you're trying to hide, that is).

 

[tammy77]

I'm pretty sure that I chimed in on this before, but I don't mind posting about it again. I lived with my ex husband for about 6 months before we got engaged and married shortly after. There were warning signs ALL OVER that it was an awful idea, but at 19-20 yrs old I just didn't have the emotional maturity to look out for myself above hurting his feelings. In that situation, I absolutely feel that living together first was a bad idea, because I was too young and it put too much pressure on me to stay. I stuck it out for 10 years and while I don't regret it in the sense that I feel like every mistake happens for a reason, I do wish I could have avoided the unpleasant parts!

When I met my DH, I was 32 and he was 29 I think? Wow, I'm getting senile. We didn't rush into anything, knew each other for about a year before getting serious, then another year as bf/gf in an LDR (LDR's SUCK, just sayin'), then we moved in together and were engaged about 8 months later. We had many more arguments in those early days, even with us taking our time to get to know each other. When he moved in, it wasn't to "try it out" though. We learned a lot about each other, both of us had to learn to make some changes to grow as a couple. I am absolutely happy with our decision to live together first. I will say it added a bit of anxiety to the situation, but I don't regret it. I can't imagine marrying someone that I hadn't lived with, that would be too risky for me. It's very different to not have anywhere to go when there's an argument - you HAVE to stay and work through it, and nowhere for someone to go to let out their vices w/o their SO seeing them.

So the bottom line is yes, live together...but not until you're emotionally "grown up" enough to walk away if you encounter truly irreconcilable differences (abuse, alcoholism, kids vs no kids, blatant disrespect, etc.).