Letting go

[kenny]

When it comes to relationships I'm working on letting go, or identifying what's my job and what is not.

Here's an example.
I don't watch TV but my SO does.
One of our mutual friends called two days ago to invite my SO to a party to watch the final episode of LOST.
She knows I don't watch TV so didn't put me on the spot by inviting me, which was nice.
She said she needs an RSVP since they are planning food and drink and it is not even in her home.

I told my SO he was invited and she wants an RSVP.
I don't know whether he called her back or not.
I suspect not since he said he doesn't watch that show.

Now here's the deal and the point of this thread.
I'm not going to nag him or worry about it.
I did my job by relaying the info.
It is not my job to make sure he calls her.
I have to remind myself to let go of thinking it reflects poorly on me if he does not bother to call her.

What would you do in this situation?
Do you think I have an obligation to get back to her since I was the one she talked to?
Or do you think my attitude is too self-centered and I'm not being a "team-player"?

 

[Dee*Jay]

Kenny, in those infinitely wise words from the Eagles'' song Wasted Time: "Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone." That being said, there are more that just you and your partner involved in this secnario since someone is planning a party, so I would ask if he''s called or not, and if not I would call as a courtesy to your friend so she can plan for food and drink.

 

[Haven]

Honestly, I wouldn''t have even thought about the phone call again once I relayed the message to my DH. Whether he calls her back or not is his business, not mine. I definitely wouldn''t have worried about how his actions make *me* look.

He''s an adult, I trust him, and I am definitely not his social secretary.

 

[kenny]

Thanks Dee*Jay and Haven.
Two opposite replies.
I kind of suspected this was not a slam dunk kind of issue.

 

[Maisie]

I would probably as if he has responded yet. After that I would let it go.

 

[Haven]

I guess I wouldn''t be concerned about it because my husband isn''t the type to blow things off like that. He''s good at getting back to people, especially because he''s married to someone who hosts things quite a lot so he knows how important it is to respond to invitations.

I guess I really don''t know what I would do if I was with someone who wasn''t good at responding to people. I''m not one to keep after others to see if they''ve done what they should have done, especially when we''re talking about adults. I don''t even do that with my students--they know my expectations for the class, and it''s their job to meet them. I''ve never been the type to chase after someone and say "Don''t forget to do xyz."

I tend to think that this approach encourages independence.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Kenny, I think I should have expounded a little more on my thought process... If only my SO and I were involved in the scenario, I would at this point let it go. But since there is someone else involved who could indeed be out braving the masses at Costco to get an extra frozen pizza and another six pack of Stella thinking that you and SO were going to show up, that makes all the difference to me.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/22/2010 2:56:52 PM
Author:kenny
What would you do in this situation?
Do you think I have an obligation to get back to her since I was the one she talked to?
Or do you think my attitude is too self-centered and I''m not being a ''team-player''?

If this is a bigger issue in your relationship that you are working on and it is hard for you to determine with ease when to get involved and when not to get involved, then I think it is fair to apply a general rule like you are applying and do nothing in this case. Your friend may ask you in the future "Hey what happened?" and then you can simply say you relayed the message and leave it to you SO to explain further if he so chooses.

But if it were us I would call my friend back and touch base. This particular situation is more complicated than you-him because your friend is added to the mix, and you personally are friends with her too. If it was your SO''s primary friend whom you only know in passing or at social functions, and you perhaps had simply answered the phone and relayed a message, then I would not personally feel the need to call her back and decline. But since you also have a relationship with her (right?) then in that case I would call her because it is the friendly thing to do.

I am of the mind that it is ok if couples divy up areas of responsibily within the relationship, so that one spouse is responsible for certain acts/activities/decisions and the other spouse is responsible for other areas. My husband takes more responsibility for planning trips and social actvities, I am the organizer. He needs to remind me to call my mom, and sometimes nag a little. I need to remind him to pay bills and sometimes nag him a little. That is one benefit of having a partner, they fill in the gaps in your skill set. I suppose it is only a problem if one spouse is doing everything, or if one spouse feels like the division of labour is not working.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Well it depends. If you think your SO has made a conscious decision to just not respond, then let it go. He''s a big boy, he made his own choice. However, maybe he''s just forgetful? I know my BF is not on top of things like that, so I do remind me - but I also do it because I know he''d want to respond, one way or the other, and he probably just forgot to.

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/22/2010 3:18:59 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
Kenny, I think I should have expounded a little more on my thought process... If only my SO and I were involved in the scenario, I would at this point let it go. But since there is someone else involved who could indeed be out braving the masses at Costco to get an extra frozen pizza and another six pack of Stella thinking that you and SO were going to show up, that makes all the difference to me.

Again I was not invited which is fine, perfect in fact since she knows it''s not my thing.

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/22/2010 3:15:26 PM
Author: Haven
I guess I wouldn''t be concerned about it because my husband isn''t the type to blow things off like that. He''s good at getting back to people, especially because he''s married to someone who hosts things quite a lot so he knows how important it is to respond to invitations.


I guess I really don''t know what I would do if I was with someone who wasn''t good at responding to people. I''m not one to keep after others to see if they''ve done what they should have done, especially when we''re talking about adults. I don''t even do that with my students--they know my expectations for the class, and it''s their job to meet them. I''ve never been the type to chase after someone and say ''Don''t forget to do xyz.''


I tend to think that this approach encourages independence.

I like independence and do not want to be the naggy one, which also would encourage him to depend on me for taking care of doing what, in this case, is his responsibility.

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/22/2010 3:39:26 PM
Author: dreamer_d
Your friend may ask you in the future ''Hey what happened?'' and then you can simply say you relayed the message and leave it to you SO to explain further if he so chooses.

This is my tendency.

 

[charbie]

i get that you're not just talking about this specific incident but others as well.

my mom can't "let go" as much as she tries. she and my father have been divorced for 10 years. she still says, "did you call your dad for his birthday?" and things along those lines.

in this scenario, i would want to know what DH/SO was up to, so i would already have asked, "hey, are you going to the LOST party tomorrow?" and his response would clue you in on to whether or not he RSVP'd. however, if you suspect that he hadn't RSVP'd to say he wasn't going, i would make it a point from now on that when you tell him he's invited to an event, say, "are you going to RSVP or should i?" and that way there is no confusion. it is not your job to RSVP for him.

i have this "letting go" issue as well, and once brought it up in the BWW forum. i think i got flamed for saying that since now i'm married/committed, i feel like it reflects on me if DH does something that is a faux pas.

 

[Tuckins1]

I agree with you. He''s a grown man, and can be responsible (or not) for himself. I have had similar experiences with DH, and I have had to come to the realization that he is just not as organized/logical with some things, and I can''t change that. Period. I do not think it reflects poorly on you.

 

[kenny]

I''m clear it does not reflect poorly on me.

I''m just not sure about whether it reflects poorly on us, since we are a couple.

Is it each individual''s job to look out for the impression the couple makes.
Or do people not think that way?

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/22/2010 4:16:59 PM
Author: charbie
i get that you're not just talking about this specific incident but others as well.

Sure, it's not this event so much; it's just our personalities.

I want to stop trying to control so much.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/22/2010 5:07:52 PM
Author: kenny

Date: 5/22/2010 4:16:59 PM
Author: charbie
i get that you''re not just talking about this specific incident but others as well.

Sure, it''s not his event so much; it''s just our personalities.
I want to stop trying to control so much.

What other things do you try to control?
Are they all related to things that deal with other people outside of your relationship? Is it mostly about how you are perceived as a couple?

 

[somethingshiny]

I WOULD remind DH that a reply was requested. He''s the type to forget something like this and I wouldn''t want him to offend the hostess by not even replying. I would think it would reflect poorly on me because the hostess would assume that I had not relayed the message in the first place. I hate to appear incompetent.

If I had not received the invitation for DH in the first place, I''d still remind him to reply (like I said, he''d forget) but I wouldn''t worry about any reflection on me.

 

[junebug17]

Kenny, I understand where you are coming from...if I take a message from my husband's sister or brother when he's not home, I feel funny if he doesn't call them back because I don't want them to think I didn't relay that they called him. so I do tend to ask my dh if he called them back, I guess I'm a little worried it will reflect badly on me if he doesn't...I know not everyone agrees with that, but I'm just being honest here. Your post is making me think maybe I should step back and not worry so much about it.

eta: I should mention that I know my dh will eventually call them back, but he lets a lot of time go by before he does, and I guess I do worry that this will reflect poorly on me.

 

[sillyberry]

Date: 5/22/2010 4:55:01 PM
Author: kenny
I''m clear it does not reflect poorly on me.


I''m just not sure about whether it reflects poorly on us, since we are a couple.


Is it each individual''s job to look out for the impression the couple makes.

Or do people not think that way?

I''ve always thought that the impression a couple makes is stuff like how you interact in public - so fighting or bickering when you''re out would reflect poorly on you as a couple. Otherwise, each individual stands alone.

I guess if you''re with someone who is rude or thoughtless (not saying you are) a third party might question your judgement, but I think that is a different issue.

 

[lyra]

When I''ve been in this situation, I''ve reminded DH once, then let it go. I don''t think one reminder is nagging, and I feel that is the limit of my responsibility. YMMV, and this is attitude I think reflects our age somewhat. I''m not willing to put much effort into things that are not in some way enriching my life. Maybe it''s a bit onery of me, but hey, I''m almost 50.

 

[charbie]

Date: 5/22/2010 5:11:47 PM
Author: junebug17
Kenny, I understand where you are coming from...if I take a message from my husband's sister or brother when he's not home, I feel funny if he doesn't call them back because I don't want them to think I didn't relay that they called him. so I do tend to ask my dh if he called them back, I guess I'm a little worried it will reflect badly on me if he doesn't...I know not everyone agrees with that, but I'm just being honest here. Your post is making me think maybe I should step back and not worry so much about it.

eta: I should mention that I know my dh will eventually call them back, but he lets a lot of time go by before he does, and I guess I do worry that this will reflect poorly on me.

Yup. This is me.

______________
I tend to think too much about what others think about me, so kenny, yes, i worry that if my DH is leaving a bad impression on someone that it reflects on me.

However, i recall a few incidents where DH and i were with friends, and one of the couples was always getting into some sort of fight. when my friend's FI would storm off and have a hissy fit, i didn't think it reflected poorly on my friend at all, just her immature FI. i know this is a different situation, but i never really viewed her in association with him when it came to his poor judgement calls. but i'm also in the same boat as you where i tend to think others are viewing me in association with my husband, and if he does something off-base, then i'm part of the package and i get viewed in the same light as him.

 

[yssie]

Date: 5/22/2010 5:13:25 PM
Author: sillyberry

Date: 5/22/2010 4:55:01 PM
Author: kenny
I'm clear it does not reflect poorly on me.


I'm just not sure about whether it reflects poorly on us, since we are a couple.


Is it each individual's job to look out for the impression the couple makes.

Or do people not think that way?

I've always thought that the impression a couple makes is stuff like how you interact in public - so fighting or bickering when you're out would reflect poorly on you as a couple. Otherwise, each individual stands alone.

I guess if you're with someone who is rude or thoughtless (not saying you are) a third party might question your judgement, but I think that is a different issue.

I think raikai nailed it - to an extent, you can't be held responsible for the choices of another adult, only how you choose to respond to and interact with him/her. If there was a persisting issue (one person consistenly fails to respond in a timely manner, say) and it wasn't addressed then I do think it will reflect poorly on the couple, as they're "failing" to help each other be a "better" team.

 

[CharmyPoo]

If I was in your situation, I would have already reminded and asked if he got back to her. I am not sure what your relationship is like but for me and my fiance .. this is no big deal. It might not be my job to remind him or "nag" him but both he and I would rather I do it.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ok here''s my take on this.... YOU and your SO are friends with this person. You took the message, relayed it as was asked of you...

BUT you don''t know if your SO got back to her??? Is it too much to say, remember I said you were invited to that LOST party, what did you decide. If he says nope not going, don''t watch the show..

You can say did you tell ( her ) that?? ??


See I don''t think that''s unreasonable.


Kenny, it''s funny. It would be the opposite with my husband and I...

Husband is spot on with RSVP''ing...

ME?? I am really good with very close friends...

BUT am terrible about getting back to people I am just kind of meh with.....

Husband will say, we would love to come...

I say what part of me is in the WE????

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/22/2010 6:28:03 PM
Author: Kaleigh
ME?? I am really good with very close friends...
BUT am terrible about getting back to people I am just kind of meh with.....

Kal, I love how you put that... kind of meh.

You have a wai with wurdz.

 

[zhuzhu]

I used to nag DH to send thank you note/email or mother''s/father''s greeting cards when we first got married. Now I don''t anymore. I figure his absent-mindedness is really not any fault of mine.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 5/22/2010 6:22:45 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
If I was in your situation, I would have already reminded and asked if he got back to her. I am not sure what your relationship is like but for me and my fiance .. this is no big deal. It might not be my job to remind him or ''nag'' him but both he and I would rather I do it.

This is me and Fi too, just like Charmy..


It sounds like a similar dynamic Kenny - me being you and Fi being your SO..
I think its just easier for me to remind/ask or sometimes do it for him (with small things)..
perhaps that makes me naggy? probably..

 

[Cehrabehra]

if the invitation went THROUGH YOU then I think it''s appropriate for one of you to answer and it could be you

 

[kenny]

FWIW, I have not mentioned it again to him after initially informing him of the invitation.

Tonight he brought up that he returned her email and declined the invitation since he really does not watch that show.

But anyway, this is a great subject and I appreciate all the input, especially since there was such a wide range of responses.
It just goes to show there is no single right way.
I really like hearing how different people handle these things in relationships.