ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair...

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No. It is none of my business.

I'm the same way. This kind of ties in with Uppy's thread about accidentally spilling a family secret. For the most part I stay out of things and my friends or family's secrets aren't mine to tell.

Exactly. NO good comes from confessing someone else's sins.

 

[soocool]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

One of my formerly good friends was cheating on her husband. She is 20 years younger than him and apparently does not want to be his nursemaid (she was 50 at the time , he was 70). She would call me and a few other friends after she was with her "boyfriend" and asked us to lie to her husband about her whereabouts. I refused to lie for her and yet I did not say anything to him. To tell you the truth I am not sorry I did not say anything to him, because I did not want to hurt him, but I am sorry I did not tell her off sooner. What kind of friend asks another friend to lie for them?

 

[yssie]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

If she's my best friend and I don't know her SO personally then no, I wouldn't. If her SO was my friend too, though... I would probably hope that since we'd all have the same circle of friends someone else would tell him first so I wouldn't be conflicted. But yes, I'd be very conflicted - and I honestly can't say what I'd do.

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Nope. Not my place, not my business. I'd just try to encourage her to tell him on her own.

 

[lucyandroger]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Absolutely not. I have known my best friend since Jr. High and we've been together through plenty of life events, mistakes, and accomplishments. I will always be there to support her, even if I disagree with her actions.

 

[Porridge]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Nope. My loyalties would be with my friend, for good times and crap times. And it's none of my beeswax, it wouldn't be my place to get involved. I would encourage her to stop cheating, sort out her relationship and be fair to her SO. I wouldn't be happy if she asked me to lie and cover for her.

 

[princesss]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

The only relationship I belong in is my own. I have no business telling other people's secrets.

 

[ChinaCat]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

My best friends and I support each other unconditionally. That means during the good and bad times. NONE of us are perfect and all of us do things in life that we don't like or regret.

I will stand by them no matter what they do. I don't have to like their actions, I don't have to agree with them, but I will not abandon my friends in a time when they need me the most.

The friends that I have would never flippantly cheat. I can't imagine any of them doing it. BUT if they did, then I would give them the benefit of the doubt that there were some pretty serious things going on in the relationship that would result in an affair. I would be there for her, to help her work it out. I would in no way encourage an affair, and I would not lie for her, but I would absolutely be her best friend.

And I know they would support me and love me, even if I did something that they did not agree with. That is what unconditional love is.

Now, if this were not a close friend or the kind of person that had an affair just because, then I would probably distance myself.

Makes me hypocritcal, but I don't care.

And FWIW, I don't abide cheating. I think it's cowardly and despicable. But we are all weak and we all are human and I can't be that judgmental of the ones I love. And thankfully they accept me as well, flaws and all.

ETA: Or just ditto to Porridge. She said it much shorter than I did.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No. I actually had this situation once. I said nothing, she eventually left the bf. I still love her despite that bad action

Reverse it -- I find out my friend's bf or husband is cheating and I know it with 100% certainty -- I would tell her that moment!

 

[radiantquest]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Alright, I might be stirring the pot here, but I have a point of view about cheating.

If there is a couple and one of them cheats it is not all the cheaters fault. There is a reason the cheater needed something from somwhere else. Now I am not judging anyone here, but I am surprised at the amount of people that would end a relationship with a close friend because they cheated on their SO. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors besides the people in the relationship. It is impossible for an outsider to understand the relationship of another couple. I dont know if my friends SO refuses to pleases her in a sexual way or if her SO is cold or even mean. Most times when someone cheats it isnt about sex. It is an emotional bond with someone. I do not approve of cheating and I do not think it is ok. I personally feel that if a person is in a relationship they should be upfront about they way they feel and if the relationship does not improve and one of the people are not getting what they need then the relationship should end. Period. Not everyone feels the way I do so I cannot expect even my friends to react to a situation the way I would. Do I condone with cheating? No. Do I understand it? Yes.

 

[dani13]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

I agree with you 100% Radiantquest. So true, its totally not black and white. That being said, I would NEVER tell my bf's husband if she were having an affair. It is none of my business.

 

[sctsbride09]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Some people cheat just for the sake of it, or because they want sex with a new person,or because their drunk, or because of ego. So, yes that is their fault.

 

[steph72276]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

I think about it like this, if it were my husband's best friend cheating on his wife, would I want him to be hanging around someone who lies and cheats? Not especially. While I wouldn't make some big production out ending the friendship, I would distance myself from my friend while she worked things out.

 

[megumic]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

One of my formerly good friends was cheating on her husband. She is 20 years younger than him and apparently does not want to be his nursemaid (she was 50 at the time , he was 70). She would call me and a few other friends after she was with her "boyfriend" and asked us to lie to her husband about her whereabouts. I refused to lie for her and yet I did not say anything to him. To tell you the truth I am not sorry I did not say anything to him, because I did not want to hurt him, but I am sorry I did not tell her off sooner. What kind of friend asks another friend to lie for them?

I'm not sure I see the difference in refusing to lie, but not saying anything -- it's still deceptive. To me, that's just the same as condoning the action of the cheater and actively participating in the lie. I don't see how lying and not saying anything are any different. We make cheating and affairs acceptable in our society because we don't say anything, don't want to ruffle feathers, don't want to get in anyone else's business.

A close family friend of mine was aware that one of my parents was cheating on the other. The friend thought it wasn't her place to say anything, but by not telling, she perpetuated the behavior, condoned it, and participated in the deception. And in the end, it turned out I was the one to discover the affair and out the truth. For me, it wasn't my secret to keep, it belonged to someone else, and it was not worth it to hold on to it for any reason.

So, yes, after confronting the perpetrator and letting them know I anticipated telling their significant other if they didn't, I would tell the significant other.

 

[sillyberry]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

I was in this situation and I didn't tell, even though the husband had become a friend of mine (and still is, as a matter of fact).

At some point, though, after she had basically left him, he asked me point blank if she was cheating. I didn't want to tell him directly because I didn't think it was my story to tell, but at the same time I couldn't lie. All I said was "you're going to have to talk to her," which is pretty much telling him, and then I called her and told her what I said.

They're both much happier and healthier apart.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Hypothetically, I was with Kenny on this one. Until it happened. Then I just wanted to protect my friend. I would never have broken her confidence or judged her. She's more like a sister than a friend, since we grew up together. Bottom line is that I don't care what she does, she's still one of the few people I really love and will always be connected with.

Plus, I didn't much care for her husband. She'll be marrying the man she met and I'm glad, because she's happy again. Was it the best way to go about things? No. Is that any of my business? No. When we're at the end of our lives, I'm not going to look back and say I wish I'd dropped you back when you made mistakes, I'm going to say how glad I am that we've had a lifetime of friendship. She's always been there for me and truly, I've made some appalling choices in my time.

Jen

 

[gemgirl]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

My former sister-in-law and I remained friends for almost 20 yrs. after we both divorced brothers. She had an affair with a married man for fifteen years, during which time I said nothing to her. I even had them to my apartment in the city for dinner. I never said anything to anyone else, her affair was not my news to broadcast. I never said anything to her for fifteen years, but after that time, when I did say I disagreed with what she was doing, I stopped hearing from her. A small part of me was sad for losing her in her life after being friends (and family) for so long, but she really did live a messy and convoluted life, and what she was doing was just not for me.

In hind sight, I can't can't believe I spent hours on the phone with her while she cried and read me really really bad poetry she had written about her "great love". The guy was a real putz. She was a well educated idiot.

 

[diamondringlover]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No I would stay out if...I know someone who did this and while I dont approve of it, I just stay out of it, its not my business.

 

[Rhea]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No, I wouldn't tell her husband. I wouldn't encourage her to tell her husband either. If a friend is telling me then she (or he) obviously wants support and I know, from experience, that I'd try to help her figure out how to get that.

In my friend's case it wasn't her telling her partner but instead her thinking about what her relationship was lacking and then going to counselling to try to fix those issues. The husband did find out a few months after the affair was over. I think if he had found out at the time she would have left him. The relationship was too bad in her mind at the time and telling him wouldn't have fixed anything except forced a split that ultimately didn't need to happen. The couple's relationship is much better now in the woman's mind because the issues that needed to be addressed and changed are now getting proper attention.

 

[Matata]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

My BFF was in the process of divorcing when I met her and she was having an affair with 2 different men. After her divorce, she remained in a relationship with one of the men who was married. He divorced & remarried and so did my friend and they kept up their relationship. BFFs 2nd husband is a saint, generous, compassionate & he loved her mightily. I distanced myself from her when she persisted in the affair. Simply couldn't handle watching her husband adore her and give her the life she always wanted while being privy to the details of the ongoing affair. He nursed her through terminal cancer -- spent nearly every penny he had trying to keep her alive. She died 2 yrs ago and I still carry the burden of knowledge that she never loved him the way he deserved.

 

[Haven]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Absolutely not. I have known my best friend since Jr. High and we've been together through plenty of life events, mistakes, and accomplishments. I will always be there to support her, even if I disagree with her actions.

I agree with lucyandroger.

My beliefs about these things have changed dramatically since I've been married. Prior to being married, I firmly believed that cheating is a deal breaker, no questions asked. I'm pretty sure I've responded to threads about the subject by saying just that, actually.

However, I can no longer imagine my husband doing anything that would fundamentally change the way I see him. I cannot fathom him doing anything that would make me view him as someone I could no longer love. The bond we have is so strong, and my understanding of who he is is so solid that I just can't see him doing anything that could break that. Of course, I don't want him to cheat and I don't imagine that he will, but even then, I don't think one sexual encounter with another person would change the way I feel about him, or even my image of him as a person. It would be a horrible, hurtful mistake, but he would still be the same man that is so wonderful I love him enough to spend my life with him.

Same goes for my best friend. I love her. She is a wonderful person, and naturally, she is human. At times we do things to each other and to other people that are upsetting, we make mistakes, we are hurtful. But that doesn't change who she is as a person and I've seen enough of humanity to know that people can do shocking things under certain circumstances that are not true reflections of their real nature. I love my best friend and our bond is as strong as the one I share with my husband. Til death do us part, baby!

 

[oddoneout]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

I'd probably end the friendship. I'd feel horrible for the husband.

 

[Girlrocks]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Yes. Without a doubt.

I have.

And I ended the friendship.

Anyone who is friends with me knows my stand on cheating. I do not hide how much I hate it and will out anyone I know who is a cheat. If they chose to disclose to me they are cheating, I feel that they have been for-warned.

 

[lulu]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No, I wouldn't. I've been in this position, and I'd speak to her, but not to her husband.

 

[Tuckins1]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

No, but I probably would speak to my friend about it. What they do is their business, but I really don't want to know.

 

[heyme]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

For me - it REALLY depends on the specific situation, but I'm leaning towards no. Just because I wouldn't want to deal with the drama.

I also wouldn't be their friend anymore. Nope.

 

[AGBF]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Kenny wrote:
"I've made it clear that cheating is a deal breaker to me.
It's up there with crime and violence.
No second chances."

Kenny, have you ever seen the movie, "Jules and Jim"? What about "César and Rosalie"?

Deb/AGBF

 

[AGBF]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

I'd probably end the friendship. I'd feel horrible for the husband.

This group could have founded the Plymouth Rock colony! Can no one imagine a scenario other than righteous husband is totally deceived by promiscuous, self-serving wife? Watch "César and Rosalie" and tell me if you feel that you would end your friendship with the woman for her affair. I'm sure that some of you would. Maybe Kenny would even be among them. I wouldn't be. Life is complicated. I am sick of black and white answers to all its questions.

Deb/AGBF

 

[soocool]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

One of my formerly good friends was cheating on her husband. She is 20 years younger than him and apparently does not want to be his nursemaid (she was 50 at the time , he was 70). She would call me and a few other friends after she was with her "boyfriend" and asked us to lie to her husband about her whereabouts. I refused to lie for her and yet I did not say anything to him. To tell you the truth I am not sorry I did not say anything to him, because I did not want to hurt him, but I am sorry I did not tell her off sooner. What kind of friend asks another friend to lie for them?

I'm not sure I see the difference in refusing to lie, but not saying anything -- it's still deceptive. To me, that's just the same as condoning the action of the cheater and actively participating in the lie. I don't see how lying and not saying anything are any different. We make cheating and affairs acceptable in our society because we don't say anything, don't want to ruffle feathers, don't want to get in anyone else's business.

A close family friend of mine was aware that one of my parents was cheating on the other. The friend thought it wasn't her place to say anything, but by not telling, she perpetuated the behavior, condoned it, and participated in the deception. And in the end, it turned out I was the one to discover the affair and out the truth. For me, it wasn't my secret to keep, it belonged to someone else, and it was not worth it to hold on to it for any reason.

So, yes, after confronting the perpetrator and letting them know I anticipated telling their significant other if they didn't, I would tell the significant other.

How can you not suspect something is up when your partner is cheating on you?! If the husband asked me point blank if his wife was with me while she was with her lover I would have said "no". At this point it is up to him to confront her if he has suspicions. If I had told him that his wife was cheating on him, she would have lied up and down that it wasn't true and I would have looked the mean and nasty person who was trying to break them up. Before she had asked me to lie for her, I had no idea she was cheating. When I asked her why she lied to me as well. As soon as I found out that she was cheating on him I stopped being her friend.

Guess what? They are still together. He found out - from her. She still cheats. He doesn't care. Perhaps the other knows and doesn't care. Not all relationships are based on love from what I gather from their relationship. Their is based more on need. He needs a caregiver and she needs his money.

 

[AGBF]

Re: ladies,if you knew your best friend was having an affair

Not all relationships are based on love from what I gather from their relationship. Their is based more on need. He needs a caregiver and she needs his money.

Upper class English marriages and marriages between royal houses were traditionally not about love, although a man, in choosing a wife, would endeavor to find one who was not too unattractive in her person with whom to reproduce or too difficult in her personality with whom to pass some time. Likewise, an indulgent father might allow his daughter to quash a proposed alliance if she found her suitor to be truly repugnant to her. (Of course she would have been raised with the idea that she was supposed to marry to advance the interests of her family, however, so she would be expected to use this veto power judiciously, not whimsically.)

The idea that love-romantic love-was a necessary ingredient in marriage is recent and also limited to a narrow geographic area. In many places marriages are still arranged. Marriages are arranged between people of all classes, the humblest included. People are expected to carry out their responsibilities, to do their duties, in a marriage so that society can continue. They do not need to feel specific feelings towards each other in order to marry or remain married.

I cannot remember the show-even whether it was a television series or a movie-in which I heard a line I found memorable. I know I have mentioned it here before. In it an English woman deplores the provincial thinking of Americans by saying something to the effect that, "They think they have to divorce and remarry every time they fall in love". It was clear that her (upper class) English thinking was that it was not worth destroying an entire marriage over something as little as falling in and out of love, an event that no doubt happened many times in the lives of adults.

AGBF