Kids and funerals

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi everyone,

Just curious. How old do you think a child should be before being exposed to a funeral (assuming the kid remains quiet during the ceremony)?

Is attending going to teach that people do die and it''s a part of being human or is going to such an event traumatic?

Thoughts?

 

[fieryred33143]

How old are your children MC?

I know that when my father passed away my brothers were 5 and 6. They didn''t understand. They kept asking "why is daddy sleeping?" and at one point the 5 year old walked to the casket and said "papi wake up." It was too much for them. They weren''t traumatized by it or anything (they don''t even remember) but my family took them home immediately.

I would say maybe 9/10?

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s overparenting to think there is any age that you need to wait for IMO.

If someone died, your parents dragged you along and you sat there politely and shut the heck up. If it wasn''t anyone you knew, you were bored. If it was a grandparent or relative you sniffled a little. That was all.

Kids don''t think death is traumatic unless YOU give them the vibe that it''s something that might be a big deal to them.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it depends on your kids... You know them best. I know my kids have been to funerals at an early age, meaning 9 or so. They were the ones who wanted to go, and to pay their respects. They have had many losses at a young age. Way more than me..

Talk to your kids, and see what their thoughts are. Some kids, just want a bye, and don''t want to go. Some really need to go and give their respects.

I didn''t let DS come to my friends funeral, and now regret that.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ages: 7 and 9. (1st and 3rd grade)

 

[lucyandroger]

I attended my grandmother's funeral when I was 9. It definitely wasn't traumatic. I didn't fully understand death but I got the chance to say goodbye to my grandma and that's what was important.

My SO never attended a funeral as a kid because he was lucky enough not to lose anyone too close but now as an adult, he's kind of clueless about funerals and sending sympathy cards.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t have kids, but I think it''s important for kids to be able to say goodbye. I still remember being very upset that I didn''t go to my grandfather''s funeral when I was around 7. I don''t see how a funeral could be traumatizing to a kid, but if there is a viewing/wake I would probably have them skip that.

When my other grandfather died last year, my older sister didn''t have my niece come to the wake, but she did go to the funeral and she was fine. She was 6 at the time. I think to most kids it''s probably just like a boring church service.

 

[vespergirl]

I think it''s never too early. I think that it is a good way to teach children about death and the cycle of life. I have brought my 3 year old son to two funerals - the first when he was 9 months old, the next when he was 2 years old, and he was very well behaved at each. Because we are Catholic, they were both open casket, and he took it all in stride. Both of the funerals were for relatives in their 90s, so the atmosphere was more "celebration of a long life well lived," and he provided much comfort to his grandparents who were burying their parents at both.

A much sadder situation was when my first cousin''s husband died of a sudden brain tumor when their son was only 18 months old. She decided to bring her son so that he would have closure, as devastating as the funeral was for everyone. The little boy is now a naval officer and a very well rounded young man.

 

[Haven]

All of my cousins were at my grandmother's funeral in May, the oldest was 6 and her twin sisters were 3 at the time.

I've never thought of any age being too young, but maybe it's because all of the kids in our family have always attended funerals, no matter what age. In my religion we don't have open caskets or viewings though, is that perhaps the issue?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks everyone. I'll bring the boys and if it ends up being too much for them, as in the case of Fiery's brothers, we'll remove them from the ceremony. I'm not sure even of the details yet and am not ready to call any relatives because it's just too emotional, you know? I'm not sure if I'm ready to listening to everyone crying and unhappy. My grandfather was very old. He did live a long life and I see the good in that. When we visited him in the ICU everyone was okay and positive. . .now, though the grieving process slowly sets in for each of us. I've gone christmas shopping tues, wed, and today, plus spent a lot of time here on PS and other forums to keep my mind off of things. Now that I reached my holiday budget limit, not sure what I'll do!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/3/2009 7:26:09 PM
Author: Haven
All of my cousins were at my grandmother''s funeral in May, the oldest was 6 and her twin sisters were 3 at the time.

I''ve never thought of any age being too young, but maybe it''s because all of the kids in our family have always attended funerals, no matter what age. In my religion we don''t have open caskets or viewings though, is that perhaps the issue?

I have no idea about any possibility of an open casket/viewing. A couple of my relatives are very religious in the way that they push their beliefs on everyone and that''s actually pushed me away from them so I don''t even talk to them or know what their plans are. They will be two of the primary individuals in charge.

 

[elrohwen]

I went to my great-grandmother's funeral at the age of 7 or 8. My mom stayed home to take care of the dogs, and my dad was a pallbearer, so I was left sitting there with some cousins I didn't really know. I think I went up to take communion and didn't know what to do with it. Lol.

Basically, I remember very little about it and was far from traumatized. I think I barely knew what was going on and had only met this great-grandmother once before. It was an open casket, and I remember not wanting to go up and look, so I didn't. I stayed in my seat next to my dad during the viewing.

Honestly, I think when kids are young, they don't even understand what's going on, so it's not traumatic. Once they're old enough to "get it", they're old enough to deal with the issues it brings up.

 

[bebe]

My husband''s sister''s grandaughter, age 7, just this Tuesday got up and spoke at the funeral of her Great Granmommy. (my husband''s mom)

She understood what had happened and gave a glowing tribute to my MIL.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

MC,

I just want to say that I actually think it''s a good idea to take kids to funerals and even wakes. Clearly there needs to be some age appropriate groundwork laid. I think what is traumatic for people is when they DON''T go to funerals at a young age. I have friends who never went to any as children and to this day they are quite uncomfortable at funerals. As a child I went to many and I think it was a ''good'' experience as I am comfortable in these situations and am aware of the social expectations as an adult. It''s the same as taking your child to a restaurant so they can learn the protocol that goes along with it..as long as they know what to expect I think it''s fine!

Alice

 

[JSM]

Funerals can be good ''learning experiences''. I think I was four when my paternal grandfather passed away, and I remember very little, but I do remember that being a part of the ceremony helped cement in my mind that he was really gone to heaven (what we were taught when we passed). My mother made sure to impress in us the seriousness of what occurred and how important it was to behave and remember Grandpa.

Death is never easy, so IMO, better to expose them to it early if it happens. Unfortunately, we will all attend far more than we ever want to.

 

[monarch64]

I was 6 for my first, my great-grandfather's. He and I had a good relationship, I remember a lot of things about him to this day (I'm 32). I was told he passed in his sleep and went to heaven. I didn't question, and I remember being curious more than anything, not sad. ETA: he was in his late 80's when he passed. His wife, my GGM, died at 96.

Children are very curious and also very resilient. I think honesty is key, though, as well as not making a huge deal of it. It does not have to be traumatic in the sense that it upsets the child to the point that they are disruptive during the proceedings.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 12/3/2009 5:55:46 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It''s overparenting to think there is any age that you need to wait for IMO.

If someone died, your parents dragged you along and you sat there politely and shut the heck up. If it wasn''t anyone you knew, you were bored. If it was a grandparent or relative you sniffled a little. That was all.

Kids don''t think death is traumatic unless YOU give them the vibe that it''s something that might be a big deal to them.

Yep. When I was growing up my family went to weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc. We all went, parents and kids. It was part of being a family. I remember the funerals, the caskets, the flowers, the weeping adults. I think it is just part of life not something to be protected from.

 

[sunseeker101]

I think funerals are good for children as long as they're old enough to reflect on the themes presented. If parents orient a kid's thinking towards the event under themes like sharing sorrow, comforting the bereaved and making a symbolic gesture towards the lost party it can be a good call to thoughtfulness and help with developing sensitivity to others. /0.02

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well, after waiting this week for info on when my grandfather''s funeral is going to be, I have been informed there won''t be one. This news is horrible disapointing to me.

For all I know, there won''t be an obituary printed, soooo, I''m just going to step up and do so rather than dealing with all the nonsense.

I''m glad I visited my grandfather in the ICU before his passing. . .I almost didn''t and was going to say goodbye at his ceremony instead because it''s horribly upsetting (as many of us know) to see a family member on his death bed.

No funeral

WTF?

So, I guess my kids won''t be yet be attending a funeral.

Thanks for everyones'' thoughts regarding this matter. Seriously, it never occurred to me when posting this thread that no sort of memorial would be planned!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/6/2009 3:20:47 PM
Author: MC
Well, after waiting this week for info on when my grandfather's funeral is going to be, I have been informed there won't be one. This news is horrible disapointing to me.

For all I know, there won't be an obituary printed, soooo, I'm just going to step up and do so rather than dealing with all the nonsense.

I'm glad I visited my grandfather in the ICU before his passing. . .I almost didn't and was going to say goodbye at his ceremony instead because it's horribly upsetting (as many of us know) to see a family member on his death bed.

No funeral

WTF?

So, I guess my kids won't be yet be attending a funeral.

Thanks for everyones' thoughts regarding this matter. Seriously, it never occurred to me when posting this thread that no sort of memorial would be planned!!!

MC,
So glad you got to say good bye while he was in the ICU. Was it his wish not to have a memorial service?? Some people don't want one. I think it's their right, but sad for the family who would like to gather to pay their respects and gather together. And to say one last goodbye..

I did one for my Nanny. I am glad I did, we just needed some closure after so many years....

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/6/2009 5:50:06 PM
Author: Kaleigh
MC,
So glad you got to say good bye while he was in the ICU. Was it his wish not to have a memorial service?? Some people don''t want one. I think it''s their right, but sad for the family who would like to gather to pay their respects and gather together. And to say one last goodbye..

I did one for my Nanny. I am glad I did, we just needed some closure after so many years....

Yes, everyone needs closure. . .My grandfather wrote his will 22 years ago and I''ve requested a copy of it and will find out what his wishes were then (plus I''ll get copies of all the probate stuff so I can see how his belongings will be distributed among those in the will - as far as I know none of the grandchildren are).

Imagine this - I decided to call everyone about why no obiturary had been written. It wasn''t until I called everyone saying I''d be representing my dad (who died a year after the will was written and was the original executor - he was the first born of the five siblings) that everyone suddenly decided that something should be printed in the paper. I''m discusted that family members 20 years older than me didn''t even consider doing so until I (who they still think of as a little girl) stated I would print one up.

 

[AGBF]

I raised my daughter with the attitude of vespergirl, Alice, and several other posters who wrote after they did. I took her with me to family wakes and funerals from the time she was born. I think her first funeral was at a Roman Catholic Church at about four months old. At two she was running up and down the hall of the funeral home most often used by my extended family. She was not a disruptive child, however, so I didn''t have to worry about her manners. The only mildly funny thing I recall was that since she was used to the Greek Orthodox ritual in the Slovak side of my family''s Church, that that was what she expected to see everywhere. That meant a lot of incense and chanting of, "Lord have mercy," etcetera. When I took her to a Jewish memorial service we walked into the plain room and she looked at me as if I was witholding something and asked loudly, "Where''s the priest?"

AGBF

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I vividly remember attending my Grandfathers funeral. I was probably 7 or 8 at the time...and I can honestly say there was nothing "upsetting" for me in the long run. I was exceptionally close with my Grandfather, and I would have resented (later in life) not attending his wake and funeral. I can look back on the experience with peace.

Yes, it was an open casket...and that was scary at first because I remember commenting on how the man in the casket didn''t look like my Grandfather. But I was in the room for a while, I softed and understood. Not to mention that the adults around me actually answered my questions. If I asked why he looked different they told me he was wearing makeup...they were patient and kind. I remember the smell, too. But nothing is traumatizing later in life. As a matter of fact, it''s part of life...not knowing what that experience is like could actually be more isolating later on.

 

[geckodani]

I was 5 when I attended my Grandma''s funeral. I think it was more traumatic for my Mom than for me. I wouldn''t leave until they had completely buried the coffin. I wasn''t crying or carrying on, but it was like I couldn''t leave until it was all done. I just stood there and made them go get the guys that fill in the dirt, and stood and watched. And then said bye bye grandma and left. I think you know your kids best and can tell if it''s appropriate or not for them to attend. It was good for me - gave me a sense of closure etc.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 12/7/2009 11:08:43 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I vividly remember attending my Grandfathers funeral. I was probably 7 or 8 at the time...and I can honestly say there was nothing ''upsetting'' for me in the long run. I was exceptionally close with my Grandfather, and I would have resented (later in life) not attending his wake and funeral. I can look back on the experience with peace.

Yes, it was an open casket...and that was scary at first because I remember commenting on how the man in the casket didn''t look like my Grandfather. But I was in the room for a while, I softed and understood. Not to mention that the adults around me actually answered my questions. If I asked why he looked different they told me he was wearing makeup...they were patient and kind. I remember the smell, too. But nothing is traumatizing later in life. As a matter of fact, it''s part of life...not knowing what that experience is like could actually be more isolating later on.

This is why I refuse to attend wakes. It seems so.... off. I dunno.