jstarfireb! May I ask you some questions?

[Haven]

Hi! I just saw your comment about being in a long-distance marriage and I''m wondering if you wouldn''t mind sharing some information about your situation. (And I''m sorry if you''ve posted about it before.)

I ask because my sister is engaged to be married in 2010, and she and her fiance plan on living in different states for their first year of marriage. After having just celebrated my own first anniversary, I wish for nothing more than for the two of them to share their first year of marriage together, but that''s because it''s all I know.

Why are you two separated? Is it harder to be long-distance and married than long-distance and simply engaged or dating? If you knew then what you know now, would you have postponed your marriage in order to wait to be in the same place?

If you don''t want to answer any of these questions, of course I understand. I''m just really curious, and I don''t know anyone else who has ever been in a LD marriage.

Thanks so much, and I hope you two can be together soon!

 

[elrohwen]

Haven, I'm not jstarfire, but I have a very good friend from college who is in a long distance marriage (I think it's been almost a year and a half now). She is in grad school in Texas while her DH is in the navy (I believe in the Pacific northwest?). Now that she's done with classes and is only working on her thesis she says she's able to travel and be with him for decent periods of time. However, there are still 3 month periods where he's on a sub and she obviously can't visit him. She brushes it off and says it's not that bad, but I think she just doesn't want to be a whiner. I'm sure it's very very difficult, but they're making it work beautifully.

I've done a long distance relationship for a year and that was hard, so I can't even imagine how hard a long distance marriage is. Jstar, you and your DH must be very strong! I hope you're able to be together soon.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m not married, but FI and I have been LD for 5 years now.

We''ve talked about LD marriage (moot now, since I''m moving), but you do get used to LD, and if it''s not stressful for you as a couple, then a LD marriage wouldn''t be a rough transition. When we talked about it, we were going to continue to keep our finances and everything seperate, then we would combine when we were lving together. At some point though, we had to wonder, what''s the point? What''s another few years? (we don''t plan on kids, so no rush) Has your sister lived with her FI before, or have they been LD for a while? I think it''s not as hard to be long distance and get married, as opposed to getting married and immediately having to separate. Certainly different things work for different people, and I think of a marriage as a single household, so that was a very important goal for both of us as we were figuring out wedding planning... but especially with the current economy, I know people are exploring an variety of living configurations.

Haven, good luck to your sister!

 

[Haven]

Thank you so much for your responses, ladies.

My sister and her FI have been LD on and off since 2002. They met in high school, went to college in different towns, and now she''s away for grad school. They never lived together.

I only want what is best for her, so that''s why I''m interested in hearing stories like yours. Being married has *felt* so different to me than being engaged or in a relationship, so I''m especially curious about how people feel once they transition into marriage yet remain long distance.

elrohwen--Your friend sounds very strong! I can''t imagine being without my husband for long stretches of time, but if he was serving our country I bet it''s hard to feel like he should be home! (By the way, I always think of the outdoors store Erehwon when I see you!)

Trill--5 years, holy cow! How exciting that you are moving now. Best of luck to you!

 

[noelwr]

I only know of 2 LD marriages...

one ended up in divorce after 1 year

the other is still going on but they haven't done the "horizontal tango" in 2 years. not because he hasn't been home in 2 years, because he comes home once a month. maybe he feels that if he doesn't live up to par in bed that she really won't see the purpose of the marriage... I have no idea.

DH said that if we ever ended up living in 2 different places, he would end the relationship. I agree, I think you get married to be together. yes, sometimes people just have to work somewhere else and come home every few months/weeks, but this should be a temporary thing and not the basis of the rest of your married life.

but then again, if you are 2 people who absolutely have no problem with it and don't mind being without each other for a long stretch of time, then I suppose it could work. as long as you don't start looking for love elsewhere.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Mine has be LD on and off for years, Haven.

There has to be groundrules, and having trust is key. I will say though, now that we are married it is harder to let him go. I guess I am hardwired to expect a husband and wife to be in one place. On the other hand, he completely respects our marriage and so he try''s even harder to make sure that I am comfortable while he is away. Luckily he has been home since the wedding, and it has been amazing and I am so glad we got to have that time together as newlyweds.

Now that we are married, if he was going to work away for anymore than a year, I would go with him....

 

[elrohwen]

Oh, Jstar, your post had me in tears

What you are going through is so so difficult and I really hope the two of you can make it work. I agree with Trill that it's much easier when you're used to be long distance, but to separate not long after you got engaged must have been extremely hard.

I really really hope the two of your are able to work past the difficult place you're in right now and find your way again. {{hugs}} I was in an LDR for a year and though I know what I went through can't even be close to your situation, I instantly knew what you meant about the empty feeling when you go to sleep. That's such a hard time of day.


Haven, my friend is very strong. They actually broke up briefly right after college when they realized how far apart they would be. But after just a few weeks (or maybe days) her now-DH realized what a mistake he had made and proposed to her. He was possibly right, logically, that it could've been easier to break up than be LD, but his heart wouldn't let him leave her. She should graduate in a year or two and I really hope they're able to live together full time. It's hard with him being in the navy, but at least sub tours can only be 3 months at a time with some time back on land (at least from what she's told me) (btw, I've never heard of Erehwon! it is an almost exact re-spelling of my screen name ... weird

)

And good luck to your sister. I really think they'll be able to make it work for a year, though is there a reason they can't just push the marriage back one year? I think if I was in that situation that would be my decision, but I'm sure she's so excited to get married that she doesn't want anything to stand in the way, and that's totally understandable.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 10/23/2009 3:51:53 PM
Author: jstarfireb

When we see each other, we often end up in bitter arguments that have led me to question whether what I'm going through counts as emotional/verbal abuse.

But there's honestly a part of me that wishes we would have broken things off when I found out that he chose his career over our marriage, so I could move on, find a new man, and not be tethered to a husband I hardly ever see.

jstarfireb your recent posts have been resonating with me, because FI and I were in a LDR too, and I called off the engagement nearly two weeks ago when I finally listened to my gut telling me I was in an emotionally abusive situation. Now that I'm out of it, things seem so clear. There are different levels of abuse, and they are all corrosive. I don't mean to project my situation onto yours, or even to compare them. I've just noticed, and I've been thinking of you.

Monarch posted this link last year, which I found very helpful recently: linky

/threadjack, sorry!

 

[jstarfireb]

Thank you elrohwen and Porridge for your support. Things have gotten quite a bit better since the name change disaster, so that''s a step in the right direction. We''re just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best...

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I sleep with a stuffed bear too....and I don''t even have an excuse since my hubby is right there as well, I just have an addiction I guess.

About 2 years ago, before we got engaged, my live-in boyfriend was talking about taking an opportunity to work as a contractor in Iraq, which would mean he would be gone for 6 months at least, possibly for 2 years, and visiting would be out of the question. I wasn''t even going to able to call him whenever I wanted, only during certain hours, which was tricky given the time difference.

I knew myself well, and told him that I supported him in whatever he chose to do, since I knew that him going meant being able to pay off all his student debt and start a healthy savings, and it would be an interesting experience to be part of history. But I knew myself, so I told him if he went, we''d have to "take a break" because I thought it''d be too much pressure on a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, maybe if we were engaged or married or something...But in all honesty I expected him to go, us to take a break, and start up again when he came back since I didn''t really think I''d replace him in the time he was gone.

In a surprise move on his part, he proposed before he left, haha! Whoops...I didn''t really see him taking that option, but it worked out for the best. He ended up only staying out there 6 months before he decided it wasn''t worth it, and he quit his job and moved out to Philly to live with me and find a new job so that we could live in the same city.

The 6 months apart wasn''t really that bad. And of course, I had wedding planning and med school to distract me. We couldn''t phone each other often, but we constantly emailed and chatted online, and it turns out that neither of us are very high maintenance and we took the separation in stride pretty naturally. I was prepared and OK with waiting for 2 years, but BOY was I happy when he said he was only going to stay for 6 months and then come to Philly, I started tearing up while typing back about what his apartment preferences would be.

I think with the right kind of couple, a year apart after being married would be manageable. Not pleasant or preferable by any means, but I don''t think it''d be traumatic either if they knew themselves well and had a plan in place.

 

[redfaerythinker]

My parents spent a good amount of time apart during their first and second year of marriage. My father was doing an internship in Texas and my mom was home in Atlanta. It was hard on them i''m sure, but they were married almost thirty years after that until my dad died. So it can be done!

 

[Haven]

Jstar--Thank you so much for your honest response. I''m going to share some of it with my sis, if you don''t mind. I really, really appreciate it.

 

[jstarfireb]

Absolutely no problem, and feel free to ask any more questions if they come up.

Also tell your sister and her man to get a good set of webcams! It''s nice to be able to chat while seeing the other person as opposed to just phone or IM. We use Skype, which is free for video chatting computer-to-computer.

 

[katamari]

I am so upset to read about this, jstar. I am glad to hear that things are getting better, but, as someone struggling with a career vs. relationship situation right now that will very likely end in a long-distance marriage, I feel like I can understand how difficult it would be. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 10/25/2009 6:12:19 PM
Author: jstarfireb
Absolutely no problem, and feel free to ask any more questions if they come up.


Also tell your sister and her man to get a good set of webcams! It's nice to be able to chat while seeing the other person as opposed to just phone or IM. We use Skype, which is free for video chatting computer-to-computer.

Jstar, just wanted to say you are so strong for going through this! Many relationships cannot withstand the stress, but it sounds as though you two are doing the best you can, which is all you can ask.

I think it absolutely matters whether you know that your marriage/engagement/relationship will be for a finite period or time, or not. As an ex-military GF, current military FI, and future military wife, I can deal with a 1 year deployment. Or even 15 months if I have to. I have gone through that already and have no doubt we'll be fine when it happens again, which it should in less than 2 years. Last time, we could talk almost daily but I could never call FI, only he could call me. I've learned a lot of helpful information from other military wives, but support is key no matter where you get it from. Last deployment, I was quite lacking in support and found it extremely lonely, but you learn to cope.

Haven, good luck to your sister. I have no doubt if it is just for a finite period of time that they will get through it just fine, especially with a super supportive and loving sis like you!

 

[Porridge]

Date: 10/23/2009 5:01:37 PM
Author: jstarfireb
Thank you elrohwen and Porridge for your support. Things have gotten quite a bit better since the name change disaster, so that''s a step in the right direction. We''re just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best...

Glad to hear things are better jstar! Hope you don''t mind me sticking my nose in and projecting my own stuff on you! It''s all coming from a good place.

 

[jstarfireb]

Thanks kata, Magsymay, and Porridge!

Kata, hopefully things will work out for the best with you!

Magsy, you''re so right about the time period making a difference. I know we''ll be together at the end of all this, and that''s what keeps me going. It''s just that our period of separation is going to be so long...