Is your spouse friends with your friends'' spouses?

[zoebartlett]

I was thinking about this the other day, and I wondered what others'' experiences are. My husband doesn''t have many friends of his own, and the ones he does have he doesn''t talk to frequently (and quite honestly, I''m not a fan of theirs). Pretty much all of our friends are my friends who are married. I''ve encouraged my husband to hang out with our friends'' husbands on his own, but he feels uncomfortable doing this. Does your SO hang out with your friends'' spouses? Does he consider them his friends or friends by extension?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

The only married couple we are friends with we always hang out with together since they live an hour away
Other than that we are still building up our friends here, we spend a lot of time with family and friends who aren''t married or in relationships as well

 

[Octavia]

Most of my good friends either live very far away, or aren''t married (or both). The people we hang out with most often were DH''s friends from before he and I met, and their spouses. I would say that I''m friendly with the other women, but not really good friends -- I don''t really hang out with them on my own but enjoy their company when we''re all together. So I''m kind of in your husband''s position in that they''re friends by extension, but certainly not confidantes. DH likes a few of my friends'' husbands and fiances, but only rarely sees them because they all live so far away. I don''t know if he''d be really good friends with them if they lived closer, or not.

 

[Haven]

No, not really.

We''re the opposite of you--DH has a big group of close guy friends, and I have a handful of close girlfriends but they aren''t all friends with each other, so we don''t often all hang out together. DH has become friendlier with my best friend''s husband over the years, but they never hang out together without us or anything. I''ve become friends with some of his friends'' wives and girlfriends, but nothing close.

 

[noelwr]

no, not really.

the thing is you can pick your friends, but you can''t pick your friend''s partners.

 

[zoebartlett]

Interesting! Since we moved, most of our friends now live far away. It''s always interesting to watch the dynamics between us whenever we do get together with friends.

Haven -- I don''t have a huge group of friends, it''s more like a small group here and there (some are from my former job in NE; childhood friends; PS friends; college and grad school). Not all of my friends know each other either, although most have met once or twice.

I''m not really an outgoing person, but I''m social, if that makes sense. I love making plans to get together with others, and I love being around people, hanging out and having fun. My husband, however, is very happy hanging out at home where it''s just the two of us. He doesn''t have the same desire to see others on a regular basis that I do. I''ll admit that it used to really bother me early on, but I''ve accepted that that''s just how he is.

 

[elrohwen]

Well, almost all of our friends where we live are people who work with DH. So I could say that they were his friends first, but I become friends with the spouses! Haha. We'll absolutely hang out with our own gender (some of the girls came on my bachelorette party, he plays video games and intramural sports with the guys, etc) but mostly we hang out as couples.

Otherwise, most of our other friends aren't married (and don't live that close to us) so I can't really say. I think it would really depend on the individuals involved. I adore all of the friends DH has made at work, which is why they're close friends with me too. However, his BFF has a girlfriend who I'm friendly with, but if we lived closer together I doubt she and I would hang out one on one.

 

[wsu12]

He doesn''t call them up for a ''man date'' but my husband has been alone with good friends husbands for periods of time (maybe 3-4 hours) and they got along great. Then again, my husband can befriend a post.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

No, for us is the opposite. My DH has a close group of friends that are all nerds like him...I''ve become very close to one of the spouses and friendly with a couple of others, but we each pretty much keep our own clicques.

We do invite both of our friends and spouses to all of our parties, but unfortunately, most of my friends are married to severely anti-social men. For example, we will invite all of our friends over for a party and while his friends will bring their wives, no joke...most of my friends will come without their husbands because they just didn''t feel like it. There is no way that DH is going to call them up to hang out if they won''t even come hang out with their wives!

My husband and I have a rule that we always go places together or neither of us goes unless its a strictly guy thing or strictly girl thing. Maybe that will wear off with time (we''ve only been married for 3 months), but I didn''t get married to go places by myself. I HATE going somewhere alone only to have people ask me where DH is....I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!

 

[Rhea]

No, not really.

Since I moved to another country, I don''t have many friends here. Mostly only work friends and we live far away from each other so I may go out after work but DH never comes with.

I am friends with DH''s friends and his friend''s partners though. DH has 4 very close male friends. I often speak to his friends, and occasionally go out with them. I speak to the friend''s partners on a regular basis and go out often with them.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

 

[musey]

All of our close friends are mutual, though in most cases one of us is closer to them than the other. Significant others of friends are welcomed into the fold. It''s a big-ish group with varying levels of closeness.

I have a separate section of work-related friends, but I''m not close to many of them.

 

[Lilac]

Most of my friends aren''t married. One of my good friends is engaged, and DH is friends with her fiance (although they went to school together, so they actually knew each other before my friend and I did, so I don''t think that counts!)

The only other friend I have that''s married DH isn''t friends with her husband, but she''s not such a close friend so I actually don''t know him too well either. I''m friendly with DH''s friends'' wives (but I wouldn''t say I''m *friends* with most of them - neither of us particularly like them).

I am pretty excited though - one of DH''s best friends just started dating this girl I know and apparently it''s going really really well. She''s *so* sweet so I hope it works out. I would be friends with her and then we could double date and everyone would be happy and have a great time!

 

[trillionaire]

ok, admittedly not married yet.

FI and I went to undergrad together, so we have a lot of friends in common. That makes things REALLY easy. For those friends we don''t have in common, we are usually social in groups. I am a notorious friend stealer (okay, not really, just kinda), so if you do have a really cool spouse, I will really enjoy having get togethers, but I have enough female friends, honestly, so I don''t go out of my way to make more. I am very loyal and talk frequently to my good friends, and also frequently with my family. It''s all that I can do to not be on the phone 24/7! FI has a lot of acquaintances from social groups (like flag football, hockey, capoeira) and work, but he''s not close to any of them. He''s not the type to really maintain close contact with people, and I have to harass him to keep in touch with his college buddies (which they thank me endlessly for, lol!)

 

[CNOS128]

We were actually just talking about this the other day. We don''t have a lot of "couple" friends, but would like to make more. DH has a lot more friends who are married (he''s a few years older than I am, so I think this makes sense), but many of them live out in the suburbs or in different states (or both), so I don''t know the wives that well. Most of my friends aren''t married. Those that are married and live nearby hang out with us as couples, but never just with DH. It would be nice if we had those kinds of relationships, though!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 12/5/2009 2:02:48 PM
Author: fsu1227
He doesn''t call them up for a ''man date'' but my husband has been alone with good friends husbands for periods of time (maybe 3-4 hours) and they got along great. Then again, my husband can befriend a post.

This post reminded me of the movie, "I Love You Man." Have you seen it?

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 12/5/2009 5:13:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH
My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

It does sound that my husband and yours are alike. Like J., my husband is very respectful of my need to be social. He often suggests that I call one of my friends or try to get together with others because he knows that I "need" that. He''s perfectly content to hang out at home and be on his own.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 12/6/2009 9:08:56 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 12/5/2009 2:02:48 PM

Author: fsu1227

He doesn''t call them up for a ''man date'' but my husband has been alone with good friends husbands for periods of time (maybe 3-4 hours) and they got along great. Then again, my husband can befriend a post.

This post reminded me of the movie, ''I Love You Man.'' Have you seen it?

I have, I found it really cute!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

He''s friends with some of their spouses and some he''s not friends with. It depends on the people. The fact that I''m friends with their wives is only the reason for meeting the person in the first place. We have very clearly defined groups of friends and there''s some overlap but for the most part our friendships are independent.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/6/2009 9:38:33 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 12/5/2009 5:13:34 PM

Author: KimberlyH

My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

It does sound that my husband and yours are alike. Like J., my husband is very respectful of my need to be social. He often suggests that I call one of my friends or try to get together with others because he knows that I ''need'' that. He''s perfectly content to hang out at home and be on his own.

Zoe your husband sounds just like my stepfather. Would he be opposed to befriending a 65 year old?

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/8/2009 12:26:15 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/6/2009 9:38:33 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 12/5/2009 5:13:34 PM

Author: KimberlyH

My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

It does sound that my husband and yours are alike. Like J., my husband is very respectful of my need to be social. He often suggests that I call one of my friends or try to get together with others because he knows that I ''need'' that. He''s perfectly content to hang out at home and be on his own.

Zoe your husband sounds just like my stepfather. Would he be opposed to befriending a 65 year old?

My husband would probably prefer to hang out with a 65 year old.

There wouldn''t be much talking going on though.

Zoe, yesterday we met up with my closest girlfriend and her family (one of my far away friends). My husband came and we calculated it had been 5 years since he had seen them (as I mentioned, I visit her by myself). We had a fabulous time and I could picture my husband hanging out with hers if they lived nearby; it made me think of this thread.

 

[Lynnie]

There''s really only one couple that we both have independent friendships with. They actually met through us - I befriended her in HS, he befriended him in HS. Then DH & I got together after HS. They ended up meeting each other, and got married 2 years before us. We just moved around the corner from them, too. Needless to say, we hang out with them a lot, either as a group or just the boys/girls.
Other than that, we do hang with a large-ish group of folks - some married, some not - but mainly in the summertime (barbeques, picnics, etc). It''s kinda weird how it ends up - the wives together, and the men together, playing football or something.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 12/8/2009 12:26:15 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/6/2009 9:38:33 AM

Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 12/5/2009 5:13:34 PM


Author: KimberlyH


My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

It does sound that my husband and yours are alike. Like J., my husband is very respectful of my need to be social. He often suggests that I call one of my friends or try to get together with others because he knows that I ''need'' that. He''s perfectly content to hang out at home and be on his own.

Zoe your husband sounds just like my stepfather. Would he be opposed to befriending a 65 year old?

I just saw this. Sure!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 12/5/2009 5:13:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH
My husband is a lot less social than me. My best friends live 500 miles away and I visit them by myself a few times a year. Typically I hang out with my local girlfriends by myself. There are a few couples we do things with, but he doesn''t hang out with my friends'' spouses. His friendships are long lasting (he''s known one of his closest friends since she was born) and don''t require a lot of maintenance. He has lunch with his friends on occasion and they talk and email but tend not to socialize in groups. My friends aren''t all friends with each other, nor are his so we don''t tend to socialize in large groups. Zoe, it sounds like my husband is a lot like yours, he''d prefer just to hang out with me. He''s very respectful of my need to be social and I respect that it''s not really his thing.

My situation is very similar to Kimberly''s. I am far more social than hub, so we each do our own thing in that respect. I''ve gone to a few weddings solo because I think it works best for us; I''m crazy taking photos anyway, so even if hub came, he''d be sitting there by himself most of the time anyway .

That''s not to say he''s not social at all. A few of my co-workers and I did a couples evening out night several months back, and we enjoyed that. When Mara''s husband was in town a couple of years ago, Rich and I met up with him for dinner in the city.

He regularly goes out with me as part of going out with other couples, but I don''t press him to cultivate friendships with my friends'' SOs. Friendships flourish and thrive when there are common and shared interests, and if those don''t exist, it''s not likely going to be comfortable. Rich has become good friends with my best friend''s hub as a natural extension of us having spent so much time with them. They''ve found many shared interests and enjoy each other''s company to the point that they enjoy getting together even without us girls.

Most guys don''t seem to need the ''network'' of friends/social contacts that us gals do.

 

[Allison D.]

Oh, and ZOE.....I got your message, but the venue you pointed to didn't work for me, so we'll have to make alternate provisions together. You know where I am, so reach out when it works for ya.