In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (lol)

[misscuppycake]

Sigh, I think I'm officially going crazy. I really need to vent and I figured there would be no better place to discuss this than with fellow LIWs.

I want to start by saying that I am indeed an LIW but I'm fully prepared to wait a while for an engagement (a year, maybe even more). Normally, when close friends and acquaintances get engaged, I am happy for them. I was thrilled for my sister, I am excitedly waiting for my best friend to get hitched, etc.

However, there is this one particular girl in my life that I've had many issues with. We are, what you might call, "frenemies". She's tons of fun, plans lots of outings for our circle of friends, and she is truly an interesting person to converse with. However, she can also be condescending, bossy, and plain mean on occasion (and not just to me). She has somehow been deemed the "leader" of the group and somehow believes she has the upper hand in every situation, but as I said, she can be kind and is a very interesting person.

Anyway, I have never been jealous of anyone else getting engaged. Engagements for me have always been a reason to be even more excited about my own one day. That being said, I knew deep down inside that if this girl ever got engaged first, I would not be able to handle it. She just doesn't treat people very well and sometimes I feel like she gets more than she deserves. I know this is SO mean and probably unfair but I can't help it.

So last night, we all got the news. They're engaged. I didn't see it coming at ALL. I thought for sure it wouldn't be for a few more years and I was literally blindsided. I had to leave the room and call my best friend in tears. I think it was partially the overwhelming shock because I wasn't expecting it (and I am already feeling slightly better today), but I just feel like I have a lot on my emotional plate. I obviously can't go around telling people I feel this way when I'm supposed to be her friend, but I just feel like I've been punched in the gut.

Thank you SO much for listening to this vent.

 

[MBKRH]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Miss, I know how you feel. There's a couple girls like that in my life. Not so much frenemies, but old friends that I became friends with because of my ex.
They both got engaged right around Thanksgiving, I learned.
They have both been with their guys for almost TEN years, so it was well deserved. But the timing to learn about it was just terrible for me. I ended up breaking down any crying about it one night (thank god M worked late that night, so by the time he got home, he had no idea I had been bawling my eyes out over two engagements).

It's good that you had your best friend to call and vent to. I'm sure that helped to some degree. As we all know, being a LIW is difficult, especially around crucial times where engagements occur (the holidays, Valentine's day, etc....) . I feel like I'm going bat-sh*t crazy because of all the commercials that are being played constantly. A punch in the gut? Yeah, that's definitely what it feels like.

*hugs* hang in there, and just know that you can always vent here.

 

[antiquesparkler]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Hi Miss Cuppycake.

Big hugs! I too have a few girls like that in my life. I posted about one in particluar a while back- a former roommate who told me she didnt like my soon-to-be engagement ring to my face. When she got engaged, I almost lost it.

I understand how you feel but our time will come and it will be perfect. Maybe you guys can announce your engagement at her wedding?

Just kidding. I am terrible. But I hope you smiled thinking about it.

 

[pandabee]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Sorry you are feeling down cuppycake...we want to be happy for our friends but sometimes with frenemies, totally understandable when you're not over the moon. It's upsetting, yes, but sometimes that is what prompts an open conversation with your SO. Where does he stand with you on your guys' timeline?

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

AWHHHH Cuppycake! HUGS!! I don't really have any frenemies in my life, but i do get peeved when people who have been dating a shorter time than me and SO get engaged ...which has been happening more frequently.

I try to just remember how amazing and beautiful my ring will be haha...it helps till the next one happens

 

[misscuppycake]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Sorry you are feeling down cuppycake...we want to be happy for our friends but sometimes with frenemies, totally understandable when you're not over the moon. It's upsetting, yes, but sometimes that is what prompts an open conversation with your SO. Where does he stand with you on your guys' timeline?

SO has been very fair and honest about the timeline. We've talked about sometime between 1-2 years and he's mentioned that he is really just waiting for a good time and place to surprise me because he knows that I am not easy to surprise (I can be a bit of a control freak sometimes - eek).

I tried not to show how upset I was about this around SO because it truly wasn't his fault. It's more about my complicated relationship with this girl. Thank so much, ladies. Your words of kindness are helping me heal already!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I remember how it was being in your shoes. When I was. LIW there were a few engagements that really got under my skin, too. It really does feel like a punch in the gut...

Jealousy is totally normal in such a situation--what I think is a red flag (not about you, but about your friendship) is the way you describe this girl. I have had a couple 'frenemies' who fit your description. In both cases these 'friends' wronged me on several instances. am very forgiving, easy to get along with and quick to let things go, and both girls took advantage of that, until they crossed me so badly that i just couldn't forgive them and our friendships ended in very messy ways with a lot of bad feelings and unresolved issues. I am just saying this because I don't wish that upon anyone, and if you have bad feelings about this girl now, I could see your friendship going in the same direction.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up for the way you're feeling. You don't have to be happy for everyone who gets engaged... Some people don't deserve it!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Eeep, just re-read what I wrote--sorry for all the punctuation mistakes and missing words. So embarrassing!

 

[LaraOnline]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Managing your own reactions and feelings in relationship can be hard.

Why people act the way they do (bossy, controlling, talking loud...or praps the other way: boringly quiet or passive) can have a lot to do with their own upbringing and family dynamic.

Usually, it's not about you at all! Most people are really mostly concerned with themselves.

It can help to remember this on occasions when you are feeling self-conscious or made a fool of by someone else's behavior.

You can try a different way of interacting with her too, take a different tack when an uncomfortable experience comes up.

Just remember, you don't have to feel inferior/ beaten in a competition / running in a race. Easier said than done, especially if your friends do have a competitive dynamic!

I feel bad you feel bad. don't play that girl's game, if it's not a game that feels good to you.

 

[Impudent_Crumpet]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

cuppycake, if you want to commiserate, I nearly burst into tears when a (male) friend from high school told me he was engaged to someone I consider a frenemy (at best). I went to their wedding two weeks ago, and I felt awful about everything the entire time.

 

[Roxy]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Sorry you are feeling down cuppycake...we want to be happy for our friends but sometimes with frenemies, totally understandable when you're not over the moon. It's upsetting, yes, but sometimes that is what prompts an open conversation with your SO. Where does he stand with you on your guys' timeline?

SO has been very fair and honest about the timeline. We've talked about sometime between 1-2 years and he's mentioned that he is really just waiting for a good time and place to surprise me because he knows that I am not easy to surprise (I can be a bit of a control freak sometimes - eek).
I tried not to show how upset I was about this around SO because it truly wasn't his fault. It's more about my complicated relationship with this girl. Thank so much, ladies. Your words of kindness are helping me heal already!

Oh Misscuppycake, my heart really goes out to you. I'm sending hugs, hugs, and more hugs your way! The things you're feeling are absolutely natural, so don't feel bad about a "feeling" (we all have them). What's important is how you ACT on those feelings, and you've been so sweet, thoughtful, and mature about this entire situation so that's what's critical.

When you mentioned that you're trying not to show SO how much this has upset you, my heart just smiled (you're gonna be a wonderful wife ). And assuming that you'll be included in all of the pre-wedding festivities (parties, showers, etc), just remember that the more sugar you put into the batter, the sweeter the outcome will be for YOU. Hang in there!!!

 

[misscuppycake]

Re: In need of support, hugs, and maybe a straight jacket (l

Thanks for all the support and kind words. I just found out that their wedding is likely going to happen THIS summer so I'm almost relieved that I will be able to "get this all over with" more quickly.