In law divorce, we don''t agree

[radiantquest]

I posted a few weeks ago that they may be getting a divorce and then a few days ago my husband told me that his mother is getting an apartment. It seems to me that this is a permanent thing if she is moving out. I don''t like it. Husband seems to be handling it fine, but already I can see a split in sides. He says that he is not choosing sides and I don''t want to either, but I have always been closer to his mother anyway and I feel that it is crappy that she is the one to move out. FIL was the one that paid the house off, but that was the agreement and it is not as if she did nothing. She was the one that made it a home and now she is the one that has to leave! Honestly it pisses me off. He is going to ruin everything she has done. A man is not going to care for that house like she did. So now she is supposed to get an apartment. Is she going to take all the decorations in the house? She should. Afterall, if the house is his because he paid for it, everything inside it is hers because she paid for that.
My husband said that his dad will be coming over for dinner and staying over and such. No! My husband says well is he supposed to eat sandwiches for the rest of his life? I said no, he should have made his marriage better so that his wife would still be cooking for him instead of kicking her out. Granted a marriage takes two and it cannot be blamed on one person, but why should we coddle him when she is clearly getting the raw deal.
I am afraid that this is going to cause problems in my own marriage because I obviously think that she shouldn''t be put out and he thinks we should help his dad "lick his wounds".

 

[fieryred33143]

If she had gotten the house, would your opinion be that you shouldn''t "coddle" her because he got the raw end of the deal?

 

[purrfectpear]

Does it occur to you that since you aren''t in their living room/bedroom 24/7 that you have NO idea what the real story is? You don''t know if the wife is looking forward to a fresh start, you don''t know if he wants the home or not, you don''t know if they plan to sell it, you don''t know if there is a REASON why they split, etc.

I would make every attempt to be kind to them both and butt out as much as possible. Unless he was an unfaithful dog or abusive, there is no reason for you to treat him like you''re his moral aribiter IMO.

I would encourage you to examine your OWN motives for seeing him as the villian. Perhaps the idea of divorce is making you feel vulnerable? Does it make you feel more secure to see him as the "bad guy"? Just sayin''

 

[somethingshiny]

I don''t have any suggestions as far as handling the in-laws. But, I think you and your DH should sit down and lay all your thoughts out in a non-confrontational way. You''ve already said this is going to be hard on your own marriage and it will. So put YOUR marriage first. Before you do anything for the in-laws, figure out what you two agree on and decide what you''ll be willing to do happily for them. Then write it down. Acknowledge that neither of you will do something that makes the other uncomfortable.

btw- You''re both going through a grieving process now. Once you have accepted all that is happening and don''t have harsh feelings, you may be able to reevaluate your list and add or subtract things.

Also, it does no good for either of you to be mad FOR mom or dad. They are mad enough. IF your MIL doesn''t have a problem moving out and leaving her things behind, neither should you.

Last thought--it sounds like you may be angry with FIL and with your DH for wanting to help him because you don''t want your DH to think that what happened is acceptable in YOUR OWN marriage. Tell him. The last thing your DH would want is for you two to end up in the same boat. He may even be having similar thoughts. This is an opportunity for you and your DH to reevaluate your own marriage and stay/get on the same page. Use this as a stepping stone to strengthen your bond.

Sorry you''re going through this and good luck to you all!

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 10/1/2009 1:07:13 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Does it occur to you that since you aren''t in their living room/bedroom 24/7 that you have NO idea what the real story is? You don''t know if the wife is looking forward to a fresh start, you don''t know if he wants the home or not, you don''t know if they plan to sell it, you don''t know if there is a REASON why they split, etc.

I would make every attempt to be kind to them both and butt out as much as possible. Unless he was an unfaithful dog or abusive, there is no reason for you to treat him like you''re his moral aribiter IMO.

I would encourage you to examine your OWN motives for seeing him as the villian. Perhaps the idea of divorce is making you feel vulnerable? Does it make you feel more secure to see him as the ''bad guy''? Just sayin''

Well actually the reason they are getting divorced is because they aren''t "together" anymore. She said that she still does all the things that a wife typically does, but when she makes dinner he comes, gets a plate and goes in another room. He does not sleep in the bed with her. Which everyone in the family knows to be the case. She said that this has been going on for years and that she wasn''t thrilled with it, but didn''t want to leave. She said that she still loves him. Just recently he has decided that this isn''t good enough for him so he told her that she needs to move out. You tell me. What does that sound like to you? And BTW he did beat her for many years so yes, I do portray him as a villian. He went to counseling and has not harmed her for a long time, but to me I still feel that he is the "bad guy".

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think the best case here is to stay neutral and focus on helping both parties cope as best they can. If you were a friend, maybe you could take sides, but you''re not, you''re the daughter in law. Long term, these two people are going to be your husband''s parents and their being together or apart is not going to change that.

Maybe you need to keep some issues clear in your own mind and in dealing with the situation. You are helping these people because you love them and they are hurting. NOT because you love them and they have been hurt by the former spouse. See the difference?

Keeping this clear in your mind will allow you to help them in whatever it is they need to do, whether it''s making dinner or making a new start. And it will impose some necessary boundaries with the parents in their communications with you involving the other spouse. You and your husband really cannot serve the roles of confidante to either parent--they have to find someone else to help them with that anger and sadness. But you can be there for each of them and let them know that this doesn''t affect the strength of your relationship, that you are open to how they will necessarily change and grow over the next year, that you will love them and support them no matter what, and that you will not take sides.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager and I just wish someone had told me this over the years. If I had learned to say a bit sooner, "Hey, that''s my Mom/Dad you''re talking about there!" and nipped it in the bud, I think things would have been a lot easier.

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/1/2009 12:56:17 PM
Author:radiantquest
I posted a few weeks ago that they may be getting a divorce and then a few days ago my husband told me that his mother is getting an apartment. It seems to me that this is a permanent thing if she is moving out. I don''t like it. Husband seems to be handling it fine, but already I can see a split in sides. He says that he is not choosing sides and I don''t want to either, but I have always been closer to his mother anyway and I feel that it is crappy that she is the one to move out. FIL was the one that paid the house off, but that was the agreement and it is not as if she did nothing. She was the one that made it a home and now she is the one that has to leave! Honestly it pisses me off. He is going to ruin everything she has done. A man is not going to care for that house like she did. So now she is supposed to get an apartment. Is she going to take all the decorations in the house? She should. Afterall, if the house is his because he paid for it, everything inside it is hers because she paid for that.
My husband said that his dad will be coming over for dinner and staying over and such. No! My husband says well is he supposed to eat sandwiches for the rest of his life? I said no, he should have made his marriage better so that his wife would still be cooking for him instead of kicking her out. Granted a marriage takes two and it cannot be blamed on one person, but why should we coddle him when she is clearly getting the raw deal.
I am afraid that this is going to cause problems in my own marriage because I obviously think that she shouldn''t be put out and he thinks we should help his dad ''lick his wounds''.

ehhh...what?

It appears this divorce is good news, but I would caution you to try and not be too judgmental. If they are divorcing they have good reasons. Try and be a little more sympathetic and understanding to your hubby because it''s not easy being in his shoes...these are his parents splitting up after all.

As for the MIL, has she said she didn''t want to move out? Maybe she''s had enough and getting the apt was part of her plan. Sounds like she''s better off anyway. Controlling husbands...not so great in my book.

 

[princesss]

Honestly, it''s really none of your business who gets what and who lives where. That''s for them to sort out. They''re adults, they can do it however they choose.

The best thing you can do is be supportive of your hubby as he navigates his new relationships with his parents. It''s going to be incredibly difficult on him, and I can only imagine that you whispering in his ear and trying to make him see things your way are only hurting him more, not helping him heal.

 

[radiantquest]

She does not want to move out. She does not want a divorce. She knows that it is not the best for her, but it has been this way for so long that she is used to it.

The reason that I am upset it not as much that she is moving out and he is keeping the house or the reasons they are splitting or even what has happened in the past. I am sure that neither person is perfect and again a marriage takes two. The reason that I am so fired up about this is that my husband wants his dad to come have dinner with us and stay nights with us. To me you don't kick your wife out and then feel sorry for yourself because you are alone.

I even said to my husband when he talked about having his dad eat dinners with us "How would that make your mother feel?"

I guess what I am saying is I feel that he is siding with his dad, we shouldn't be siding with either, but if we did side it should be with her.

In reply to Fiery, my opinion is that we shouldn't coddle the one who is kicking the other one out. He isn't saying "Let's work on this" or "Can we fina a solution to..." He is saying leave. If she was kicking him out I would not feel sorry for her either when something needed fixed or whatever.

 

[meresal]

Didn't you say in your last thread, for a while now, that the MIL and FIL have no longer considered themselves to be a "real" married couple. And just recently FIL decided that being separated in the same home, isn't a good idea anymore?

Let me guess, she doesn't work and doesn't have an income outstide of him? Ususally in divorces the party that keeps the home, is required to pay the other person out of thier half, in order to keep it. Are you sure she isn't getting her half of the appraisal value to leave?

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

ETA: I'm sorry, but you are being very judgemental of his parents and his father. His mom said that she has been upset with FIL for a couple years now, you don't think that those emotions might have been shown aroudn the house? Maybe the FIL was tired of it? You have no idea what went on behing closed doors. Those are your DH's parents, and he shoudl be able to help them in whatever way he feels necessary.

If you are so inclined to side with the mother. Why don't you go stay at her apartment when FIL comes to have dinner with his son? And who says that MIL can't come have dinner to? It only take a phone call and I'm sure she'd love to spend an evening with her son and DIL during such a rough time.

My FIL has done some bad things in his past, but I see everyday, how my MIL emasculates him everyday for it. Overemphasizing his weight and his "size" in public, among other things. Yes, she is probably still bitter, but at some point those things become the past. If MIL decided to stick around, then it is no one elses place to judge her decision or FIL anymore. Maybe it's ok for your DH because he was part of the family when it happened, but definitely not you or I, being the spouse that married in.

Just my opinion.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 10/1/2009 1:47:17 PM
Author: radiantquest

Well actually the reason they are getting divorced is because they aren''t ''together'' anymore. She said that she still does all the things that a wife typically does, but when she makes dinner he comes, gets a plate and goes in another room. He does not sleep in the bed with her. Which everyone in the family knows to be the case. She said that this has been going on for years and that she wasn''t thrilled with it, but didn''t want to leave. She said that she still loves him. Just recently he has decided that this isn''t good enough for him so he told her that she needs to move out. You tell me. What does that sound like to you? And BTW he did beat her for many years so yes, I do portray him as a villian. He went to counseling and has not harmed her for a long time, but to me I still feel that he is the ''bad guy''.

Radiantquest, I see things completely differently than many of the folks who have replied. No offense to your husband or to you, but on the surface, your FIL sounds like a dog. He beat her?!?!?

It sounds to me like he has shifted from physical abuse to psychological abuse.

An important thing that needs to be pointed out here is that your FIL may have paid off the house with money he earned from an outside source, but I''m sure your MIL has done plenty of work that was never compensated like cooking dinner every night, schlepping groceries every week, cleaning, laundry, running all the household errands, not to mention raising your husband. So what if you FIL had to hire a nanny service, a cleaning service, a cook, and all the other help to fill in what your MIL has done over the years? He certainly would not have or have had the same financial resources. Your MIL has an ownership interest too.

It sounds to me that your MIL may be an abused woman with self-worth issues from an abusive relationship. In my opinion, she should hire a lawyer right away, start seeing a psychiatrist to document the abuse, and document all finances immediately. She needs to realize her self-worth. Hell, if she has access, clean out the accounts and leave the dog penniless. I have no tolerance for the abuse of women. I wouldn''t let the dog in my house either - instead, I''d be certain that your MIL feels like she has a safe place to go at your house.

I''m not there and again no offense, but I''m surprised that your husband would put the threat of cold sandwiches ahead of his mother''s psychological well-being. I think your response to this is important for your own relationship. I hope your husband doesn''t have any of the tendencies that your FIL has exhibited.

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:43:48 PM
Author: meresal
Didn''t you say in your last thread, for a while now, that the MIL and FIL have no longer considered themselves to be a ''real'' married couple. And just recently FIL decided that being separated in the same home, isn''t a good idea anymore?

Let me guess, she doesn''t work and doesn''t have an income outstide of him? Ususally in divorces the party that keeps the home, is required to pay the other person out of thier half, in order to keep it. Are you sure she isn''t getting her half of the appraisal value to leave?

Please correct me if I''m wrong.

Yes, she does work actually. She works for the government. She has worked there for a while and does quite well. It isn''t a financial thing that she is worried about. She can support herself with no problems. I am sure that he would buy her out. It isn''t finances that it is about. It is about it being her home. Her kids rooms are there. She has memories of her kids there. I think that it hurts her feelings.

I know that I should just butt out, but to me if we have his dad come over and have dinners with us and he stays with us sometimes that is going to send the message to her that we are siding with him.

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:52:34 PM
Author: radiantquest

Date: 10/1/2009 2:43:48 PM
Author: meresal
Didn't you say in your last thread, for a while now, that the MIL and FIL have no longer considered themselves to be a 'real' married couple. And just recently FIL decided that being separated in the same home, isn't a good idea anymore?

Let me guess, she doesn't work and doesn't have an income outstide of him? Ususally in divorces the party that keeps the home, is required to pay the other person out of thier half, in order to keep it. Are you sure she isn't getting her half of the appraisal value to leave?

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Yes, she does work actually. She works for the government. She has worked there for a while and does quite well. It isn't a financial thing that she is worried about. She can support herself with no problems. I am sure that he would buy her out. It isn't finances that it is about. It is about it being her home. Her kids rooms are there. She has memories of her kids there. I think that it hurts her feelings.

I know that I should just butt out, but to me if we have his dad come over and have dinners with us and he stays with us sometimes that is going to send the message to her that we are siding with him.

You can invite her over as well. Obviously at different times. I'm sure she would love it. Everyone wants to have a support system during these times. Just let each of them know, that when they are in your house there will be no talk of divorce or the other person. Just a relaxing evening with family. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ya know?

ETA: I have to say, that if the parents live in the same area as you and your DH, then sleeping at your place would be a very big no-no for me. Dinner or a day spent together, not a problem... but spending the night... not happening. They are adults and they made the decision to be alone. That means staying in your own bed.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:52:34 PM
Author: radiantquest
...to me if we have his dad come over and have dinners with us and he stays with us sometimes that is going to send the message to her that we are siding with him.

I agree. I think your FIL is being manipulative and continuing the abusive cycle by alienating your MIL. I wouldn''t go for it either. What about your husband''s siblings? Is you FIL trying to lay claim on them too?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Wit hthe divorce, won''t they have to sell common property to split the assets anyways, or else one person buy the other one out? Seems to me that the issue of who keeps the house is moot since it will all get split up anyways... just my thoughts on it!

 

[radiantquest]

My husband has a sister. I have not talked to her about it. I am waiting for her to approach me. She is very sweet, but likes to handle things her own way.

My husband does not have any violent tendencies. Mostly because he was the one that had to get between them when he was a kid. It is so sad. I think that is part of the reason that I am a little hostile towards FIL. Even though it was so long ago and I wasn''t even around then it pains me that she went through that and that my husband had to defend his mother to a grown man when he was just a boy. *Tears*

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 10/1/2009 3:04:37 PM
Author: radiantquest
My husband has a sister. I have not talked to her about it. I am waiting for her to approach me. She is very sweet, but likes to handle things her own way.

My husband does not have any violent tendencies. Mostly because he was the one that had to get between them when he was a kid. It is so sad. I think that is part of the reason that I am a little hostile towards FIL. Even though it was so long ago and I wasn''t even around then it pains me that she went through that and that my husband had to defend his mother to a grown man when he was just a boy. *Tears*

You poor thing.

I''m glad your husband defends his mother and that you get along with her. Sounds like he had a tough time growing up, always caught in the middle. Your FIL is obviously a very selfish person - unbelievable that he would put a small boy in such a position. It sounds like he hasn''t changed his ways. (I''ve already taken a side - ha-ha!)

If your husband feels strongly about having your FIL over, I think Meresal has good advice - no talking about the divorce or about your MIL. I''d probably make my husband do the cooking that night (in silent protest). And I''d be sure to invite your MIL over at least an equal number of times.

Good luck with this radiantquest - doesn''t sound easy. Be strong and supportive for your husband, but don''t be afraid to stand up for what is right.

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/1/2009 3:37:05 PM
Author: starryeyed

You poor thing.

I'm glad your husband defends his mother and that you get along with her. Sounds like he had a tough time growing up, always caught in the middle. Your FIL is obviously a very selfish person - unbelievable that he would put a small boy in such a position. It sounds like he hasn't changed his ways. (I've already taken a side - ha-ha!)

If your husband feels strongly about having your FIL over, I think Meresal has good advice - no talking about the divorce or about your MIL. I'd probably make my husband do the cooking that night (in silent protest). And I'd be sure to invite your MIL over at least an equal number of times.

Good luck with this radiantquest - doesn't sound easy. Be strong and supportive for your husband, but don't be afraid to stand up for what is right.

I just imagined a sillouette shadow of a woman raising a frying pan high above her head. LMAO!!!! Sorry... threadjack.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

This is a difficult situation but you need to do your best to stay out of it. Their divorce is not your battle. Hopefully your MIL will get a good attorney and receive a far settlement. She must have felt like she had no other healthy option than to leave and move on with her life. Good for her for getting out of a bad situation. Still you will never know the true history of their marriage. I am sure they both have regrets. Support your husband. I am sure it is difficult at any age to watch your parents marriage fall apart.

 

[radiantquest]

My husband does all the cooking anyway.

I called him and talked to him about it and he said that he hasn''t extended any invitations yet. He said that he feels obligated to look out for his dad because he has diabetes and can only boil hot dogs and cook grilled cheese. His mother is more self sufficient. We agreed that we are going to stay out of it as best we can. They are adults and got themselves in this situation and don''t need out 2 cents.

There, I have said my peace about the whole situation. I do feel a great deal better. I know that some of you feel that I am wrong and some of you agree with me, but that is why I love PS. I can vent what is going on and get feedback from all perspectives and I always feel better. Thanks everyone!

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry to hear that your in-laws are going through this, Radiant.

For your own health and well being, I think it''s best that you try to stay as far out of their affairs as possible. And, what''s more important, your focus here should really be on being as supportive as you can be of your husband through this, as I imagine that (whether he shows it or not) this will really be a difficult thing for him to deal with. I understand that anger is a natural response, and it is very difficult to spend time with someone who you view as "the bad guy", but for your husband''s sake, please put that aside and just support him and whomever he feels he needs to support.

I understand that you have feelings about this, too, but as an adult child of parents who recently divorced, I have to say that had my husband been at all judgmental about my parents and their decisions/behaviors/choices surrounding the divorce, and had he vocalized those judgments and tried to tell me which of my parents we were going to support and when, how, and why, I would not have been able to remain as healthy as I have through my parents'' divorce, and our marriage would have suffered terribly.

And when I say I understand, I mean it. My father cheated on my mother repeatedly, and he did a lot of bad things to me and everyone else in my family, but I am still unable to write him out of my life. He walked out on my mom just five weeks after my own wedding. He seemed to do everything within his power to make himself look terrible. But it is *my* choice whether I keep him in my life or not, not my husband''s. And thank goodness my husband understands that.

I imagine that the last thing your husband needs to deal with now is arguments over his spouse''s judgments of his own parents. I bet that the first thing he needs is for you to support his decisions regarding how he would like to remain in their lives, and to reassure him that you will be there for him, regardless. All of this FIL-should-have-done-xyz business will do nothing to help you or your husband get through this any easier. The best it can do is make your husband feel very much alone as he faces (what I found to be) a very difficult transition.

Good luck. For the sake of your own marriage, please reconsider your approach to this situation. I can tell you that my husband''s phenomenally supportive response to my parents'' divorce, and his continued unwavering support, have brought us even closer as a couple. I hope that you can offer the same for your husband, with the same result.