I''m so devistated...

[curiopotter]

Today should really be a happy day. My SO asked my parents for their blessing and they said yes.


My FF has been getting home really late because of school lately. He's under a lot of stress because he overloaded his hours at school, and he's been doing homework non-stop for the last week. Tonight, he got home at about 1:30am, and when I went to see what he was doing, he was on the computer finishing some other homework.

He had taken a shower before I woke up, and when I went to the bathroom, his clothes smelled like smoke.

Bad sign.

He quit smoking 2 years ago following an accident that had that left him in the hospital for 2 weeks.


His best friend at school was a smoker (quit a few months ago) so I asked FF if he eventually quit. He said yeah. Then I asked him,
"So why do your clothes smell like smoke?"
(silence)
"I had a few cigarettes."
(I sigh)
"When did you start smoking?"
(silence)
"I don't know."
"When did you start smoking?"



According to him, he's been smoking for a month now, behind my back, although I think it's been longer. I feel so betrayed. He said he's been under a lot of stress, and there was an argument we had, where he told me he felt I wasn't supporting him in school, and hen-pecking him about things. He said he's has a huge workload, and it was nice to go out and take a break from staring at a wall.


What do I do? I'm so devistated right now.. I've been crying for the last 2 hours because I don't want to go back to that life. That life where everytime I see him, I smell smoke. Everytime I kiss him, I taste a cigarette. Everytime I go to my parent's house to visit, my dad nearly keels over with an asthma attack because he's allergic to smoke.

I think about his health and how his grandmother is a chain-smoker and is now 70 years old, a survivor of a stroke that left her huge difficulties with language, and now with emphysema. His grandfather was also a smoker, and developed emphysema before he died. His other grandmother has emphysema and can barely walk without being winded.

He doesn't want me talking about this with other people, at least with my family. He doesn't want me to bring it up to my family because he's embrassed and dissapointed in himself. This is extremely difficult because my parents are both physicians, and they can HELP. I asked him if he wanted to quit, and he didn't say anything for a really long time, and finally said, "No. I really don't want to quit. Eventually yes, but I don't want to right now."


He went and bought himself a few cigars within the last 6 months. I guess 3 total that I know of. I begged him not to buy them, and made him promise me he wouldn't start smoking habitually again. Lie.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? How the hell am I supposed to support this?? Support him and the devistating choices he's making for BOTH of our lives????

 

[Maisie]

I know exactly how you feel because my husband smokes. We were both smoking and we decided to give up a few weeks ago. I stopped easily - because I wanted to. He has just gone back to it. Because he doesn''t want to stop.

It is so difficult when you know its going to damage his health. You want the best for him, you want him to still be around when you are both old.

The thing I have realised is this. Unless he truly wants to give up he will always be a smoker. I now class myself as a non-smoker. There is a huge difference between where my head is at and where his is.

I cried, nagged and stomped around when I found out he was still smoking. It just caused arguments and bad feeling. I have come to the realisation that I can''t make him stop. He has to want it himself.

He has enlarged lymph nodes in his groin and stomach. You would have thought that would be enough for him to panic and want to stop. He has to have further tests to see why these nodes are up. I really hope whatever it is scares him into really wanting to quit.

Some young people think they are invincible. They have the attitude that ''it won''t happen to me''........

 

[Pandora II]

Oh Curio, I do feel sorry for your situation.

I smoked for many years and finally gave up after a month in hospital with pleurisy in 2002 when I couldn''t physically go outside to smoke one.

This spring I nicked the odd one off a friend when I was going through a very stressful situation. Then one day the friend wasn''t there so I bought a packet. Now I''m back on about 5-6 a day and I''m so angry with myself.

FI doesn''t smoke, and just laughs at me when I go outside for one. I asked him if he wasn''t annoyed with me and he said that he had total faith that I will give up again when I want to and when I''m ready to.

Your SO is probably feeling pretty bad about it himself. The best thing I think that you can do is to ignore it, but ask that he doesn''t smoke around you.

The fear of never having another cigarette is extremely powerful and a smoker has to want to quit for themselves. Right now I''m in a very stressful work situation which I hope will resolve in the next few months. Taking those few minutes during the day to stand and contemplate things whilst smoking is very calming.

However I do want to give up once the current stresses are resolved and I''ve been finding out about ways of quitting on my own. If my FI was putting pressure on it would make things much worse.

The most important thing that you can do is to show that you have faith and confidence in his ability to quit when he decides to. That form of encouragement is much more likely to have a good effect than making him feel guilty and as if he has failed already.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh lordy. That''s so tough. I couldn''t live with a smoker. But when I think ''would I leave FI''? The answer seems probably ''no''. But it would be so horrible. I would HATE it.

I smoked when I was a teen, quit when I was 19. My step-dad and I had made a pact that if I quit, he would quit (he started smoking when he was 13). I quit. Then it took many more years before he did and I felt betrayed. He''s been smoke free for about 3 years now and it''s totally changed his and my mom''s life. He has more energy, looks better, smells A LOT better (heehee). And we no longer have to worry quite so much about him keeling over (his current job is MUCH less stressful too).

I''m not sure what to suggest except to make completely clear to him that you find this devastating and that you''re not sure you can live with it. If he understands the seriousness of the situation... maybe?

I mean, think of future kids, is he planning to smoke around them?

So sorry, Curio.

 

[KimberlyH]

Curio,

I''m so sorry that you are so sad. I smoked on and off for 10 years, and quit when I met DH -- he gave me an ultimatum, I can''t date a smoker, and a bribe, a trip to Hawaii if I could quit for 6 months. Seems a bit manipulative, but I was well aware I was being manipulated and with good reason, because smoking is obviously so very bad for you. I''m a lot more forgiving than he is, but I understand why he said "Not a chance in hell I''ll get involved with a smoker." I haven''t smoked in 3 years. I still miss it sometimes.

My sister smoked for more years than me, she married a man who has severe asthma and whose father died of emphasyma. He told her "Smoke up, Johnny, but if you get lung cancer I''m walking; I will not watch another person I love die in such a trecherous way." She quit. She''s one of those people who can smoke one cigarette every six months, so she may have a cigarette every great once in a while and I just don''t know it, but she''s a mom now so I doubt it.

One of my DH''s closest friends married a smoker whose father died of emphasyma about 8 months ago. They broke up about 1 year before they got married (they dated on and off for 11 years) and he swore he''d quit as part of their "getting back together deal." He still smokes, outside. She isn''t too pleased with it, spent a lot of time nagging him about it, but seems to have gotten used to it.

My favorite uncle by marriage died of emphasyma, he quit smoking 3 months before he found out he was sick. She never nagged him to quit, but she qui, many years before he decided to. She''s now been widowed for 11 years. They had an amazing marriage and she wouldn''t have traded a minute of it, even if she could have known that she would become a widow at 45.

My point in sharing is there is no right answer for what you should do, only you know if you can live with this. For some it''s a dealbreaker, for others it''s not enough to leave but it''s enough to make one crazy, and yet for others it''s a tolerable, understandable habit.

Many of the cities where I live have banned smoking in some way, shape or form, including a city that has made it illegal to smoke anywhere except one''s own home. Society grows less and less tolerant of smoking and it will be interesting to see what happens over the next 10 years or so in this nation, especially considering the upcoming election.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Curio, You are such a thoughtful considerate poster. You are always offering so much of your skilled time to help the board in design etc. I wish I had some way to return the favor.

I can offer you my support, as I am pained to learn of your situation. I really am. I am so sorry for your tears. I realize how severe this betrayal feels to you. I share in your anguish...not sure smokers understand how much it pains family members to see them smoke. I have the same situation and it hurts all the way to my marrow.

Habits and addictions are sneaky little problem makers. They seem to always haunt those afflicted. I think it may be a good sign that he didn''t go back to nicotine merely for boredom. He was strained, and felt he had to have it. Many smokers trying to quit, and get tripped when the first stressful event happened. Is it possible that with his personality, he needed one more wake up call...and that this event will show him next time he has to be more diligent when stress enters his life?

Honey, get your crying and pain out of the way. And then harness your emotion and love for him in aiding him once again to stop. You will have to have a game plan in place for the next bump that comes into your lives. But together IF HE IS WILLING you two can get his weakness and your sense of betrayal and put it behind you.

You are promising to be one anothers helpmate...that is what a life of marriage is all about. Practice your skills now, and if you two are successful you will go far stronger into your marriage than most dream of.

DKS

 

[diamondsrock]

I"m sorry you are going through this, and believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

First off, my father smokes. He has vascular disease in his legs, which means his blood vessels are closing up. This is due to a number of factors, the most important one of which is smoking. After a failed angioplasty, he told me he stopped. Then I found out he was lying and was still smoking. I was very angry and hurt. We argued constantly about his quitting because if he doesn't, he will most likley either have a heart attack (he has a heart blockage as well which he is ignoring) or lose his foot or leg. It's been almost a year since his procedure and he still smokes away. He can't have the major operation on his leg right now because if you smoke, it will most likely fail and the leg will have to be amputated anyways. So I have to watch my father do this to himself and it's hard. I've finally accepted the fact that it's his life, and if this is what he wants to do with it, I can't help him. I don't want to argue with him anymore, and I begged him to quit for me, his daughter, but he won't. It kind of defies all logic, but I've accepted it.

Now my husband smoked, too, for probably 20 years. A few years back he quit, and was so proud of himself. Then I caught him in the garage with a friend puffing away, which led to a huge argument, hurt feelings of betrayal and being lied to, etc.... He said he was too ashamed to tell me that he had started up again so he didn't say anything. I told him I'd rather have him tell me the truth than lie about it (apparently it's very common for smokers to lie about this stuff.)

This past Jan. he decided to try again, for himself, since he was tired of coughing every morning and saw what my dad was going through. Things were ok for a while, and I made a point not to nag, which was hard for me. He said the less we talked about it, the easier it would be for him because he'd feel less pressure from me. I did catch him a few times, one time found a half smoked one in his pants pocket, and he admitted he had smoked a few. Problem is he will only admit it when I had have evidence, so I don't know how often he is smoking. He only admits it when I catch him. The other night he came home and I smelled it on his breath. I asked him if he had smoked in the car, he said no. I said, how can you lie when I smell it on you!!! After a couple of seconds he knew he was caught so he admitted it. It's hard and I feel lied to, because I just want what's best for him, and the double disappointment of finding out he's smoking and that he lied to me about it just plain sucks. I know he's cut back but not quit altogether so it's very hard to deal with. So I know how you feel and I'm sorry about it.

All I can say is try not to nag because I've gone that route and it's gotten me nowhere. The person truly has to want it for himself. Trying to guilt them into quitting for you may work, but it didn't for me. It has to come from within him. Explaining all of the medical problems, all of the hurt it is causing you, all of the money it costs, are all routes which I've tried. Also, maybe getting him some medication to help quit would help. The doctors have a few drugs they can give.

The best thing you can do is try to be supportive when he's ready to quit, and let him know you are there for him when he falls off the wagon. I've told my husband that I know it's a struggle, and I want to be there to help, not judge. It's worked somewhat this time, but like I said, he hasn't quit completely. Let us know how it's going and know that you are not alone in dealing with this. It's a constant struggle around here in my family! I wish they had never even invented cigarettes at all!

 

[luckystar112]

Aw Curio.

The power that smoking has on a person is so ridiculous. I hope you feel bad for him rather than are mad at him. The whole thing is mental. Yes, nicotine is addictive, but it''s one of the weakest chemicals to be addicted to. In fact, even the withdrawal pangs are so minimal that what most people *think* are withdrawal pangs are just their imagination because they aren''t used to not having their *friend*.

So, I agree with everyone who said that he has to *want* to quit.
I went to Italy for 10 days last year and didn''t smoke a single cigarette, but used nicorette gum the whole time I was there. (I had to...everyone smokes there!) When I got home I picked up smoking right where I left off.

This summer we went to VA for 5 days and I didn''t have a single cigarette or any type of nicotine replacement. The only time I felt like I wanted one was right after a meal, and that was because I was so used to having one after eating.

And then...I came home...found the pack with 3 "emergency cigarettes" hidden in my closet, and wanted to see if the taste would gross me out. It didn''t. Here I am at square one again.

My point is that nothing can stop a person from smoking except for the smoker. I can tell you that, and believe it whole heartedly, and yet I''m still smoking. That''s how powerful it can be. It''s all mental.

When he is ready to quit, here are two things that can help:

1) There is a book by Allen Carr called, "The easy way to quit smoking". Apparently it''s worked miracles. I''ve just started reading it, and one of the first thing he tells you is that''s it is okay to smoke while reading his book, and in fact, he prefers it. So it keeps the smoker from panicking. He also stays away from stuff that smokers already know. (i.e. "It''s going to kill you!" or "Here''s a picture of your lung!" or "Look how much money you''ve spent!") He focuses mostly on how it really is all in your head, and how we exaggerate the "nicotine monster" as a way to justify our HABIT. Readers say that while reading the book and coming to these realizations, that it made it much easier for them to quit.

2) I have heard such great things about this new "miracle drug" that is out there. I''m sure you''ve heard about it, it''s the pill that been on all the news channels. My cousin started taking it (again, they want you to continue smoking while on the medication) and she said that eventually she just found that she no longer wanted a cigarette. I also have two friends that have started taking it...one has stopped smoking completely, the other has cut down drastically, but has only been on it for a couple of months. Apparently it works by blocking the receptors in your brain that want a cigarette. I could be totally off there...lol. I haven''t gotten this pill for 2 reasons. One, because it''s fricken expensive. It''s like $130 a month, so I just don''t have the funds. And two, I feel weird about starting any medications that have just come on the market. I like to give it a while to see if it will be recalled. (Learned my lesson with the ortho evra patch!!)

So, I hope that helps a little bit. Smoking is a choice, as in, no one forces you to do it...and while it is addictive, it is the HABIT that needs to be broken. The withdrawal from nicotine is negligible. Smokers know how bad they smell, are embaressed smoking outside, know their breath probably stinks, know it''s killing them, and all of that. They need to figure out what''s going on in their HEAD. Luckily, I am only a half a pack a day smoker. Even though I still think that that is BAD, it allows me to see when I''m smoking my cigarettes. It''s the same thing everyday...a routine! One in the morning with coffee, one on the way to school, one on the way back from school, one on the way to work, one on the way back from work, one right after FI tells me he''s on his way home, one as soon as FI goes to sleep. I can tell you the EXACT stop light that I light up to every morning. Do I think I''m pathetic? Absolutely! But it is hard , and I don''t think I''m mentally there yet. I''m trying to be though.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 9/9/2007 11:37:55 AM
Author: diamondsrock
(apparently it''s very common for smokers to lie about this stuff.)

It is VERY common for smokers to lie about this stuff. Heck, I''ve done it! We are disappointed in ourselves, and the thought of disappointing someone ELSE is just too overwhelming sometimes. Plus, people say the same things over and over and over again, and we know it all, and we just don''t want to hear it. Hearing that stuff DOESN''T WORK. I don''t smoke around FI anymore. (Which, he''s around a lot, so if I was so addicted I probably wouldn''t be able to handle it. Although I do get antsy if he stays up later than anticipated. Awful...sad....I know.

) I confessed and told him that I''ve been smoking a "couple a day" again. He was very disappointed, and I could tell.

No one at work knows I smoke, none of my teachers know I smoke...because I don''t smoke in front of them. As a matter of fact, if I''m at a red light, I won''t take a puff off a cigarette because I feel weird about people seeing me. And when I smoke I think to myself, "I''m killing myself right now. Why am I SO stupid? Why am I doing this? It doesn''t even feel good anymore." and then as soon as I''m down to two cigarettes left in my pack, that anxious panicky feeling starts coming, and I know that I *must* not run out, "just in case". Just in case of what? It''s sick.

 

[Mara]

curio, sorry to hear this news...i dated a guy who was a smoker for something like 10+ years. he quit when we started dating because i am not a smoker and i don't like to be around smokers and i asked him to quit. so he did. he did quite well actually. but after we were together for 3 years he started again, didn't tel me, did it when he was out of the house but then eventually of course started smoking on weekends again so i knew. it just takes one or two and he was hooked again. people who were smokers at one point cannot socially smoke or smoke cigars or anything in my opinion. it's all the same thing. and can lead them back to the 'habit'. which i think is what a lot of smokers like about smoking. not the filling their lungs with smoke thing. more like having something to do, a break to take (like what he said about better than going out and staring at a wall). now mind you i have never been a smoker but having seen how my ex struggled with it...it was very sad. anyway, we broke up for other reasons anyway but i was glad to not be tying my life to a smoker because that is really something i am not in support of. i don't even like sitting anywhere near smokers. so i feel your pain because if he and i had been planning a future together i would have had serious second thoughts about doing that with him smoking the way he was. knowing it could shorten his life or hasten along some horrible disease. anyway, good luck with however you handle it. i would just be sure that he knows how you feel, but don't be 'down' on him...but really ask yourself if you do want to marry him if he smokes forever. and let him know that you are questioning that. i don't think that is unfair. there are two of you in the relationship and what you want should also come into the picture. imagine he's an alcoholic...you would want to address it, not let him float by with 'yeah i want to quit someday'. hang in there.

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m far more worried that he''s been lying to you and sneaking the cigs for well over a month. Didn''t school just start?

He''s just not going to quit when he''s under this much stress so you have to work with him. Talk to him about dropping a class, even without smoking that much stress isn''t good for him. He''ll burn out well before he finishes grad school at this rate. Ask what you can do to help him with this workload. Tell him you understand the cigarettes help him deal with the stress but that you''re worried about his long-term health and ask if there can be a compromise.

The idea is to get him to limit the number of cigarettes he has per day (half a pack at the very most, try for 5 a day) , get him to promise not to smell like smoke when you go to your parents, to never smoke indoors (helps with the smell a bit), and to quit once the term ends. He also needs to feel like it''s ok to tell you if he''s having trouble or smoking more than he should be.

The idea is to be supportive and to work with him as his partner rather than becoming the enemy. It''s a bit like training a dog, you try to set things up so there''s no opportunity to fail just more opportunity for positive reinforcement. (works for kids too, only take them to the market when they''re rested and full and it''s easier for them to be good and get praised) Don''t put him in a position where he''ll feel like he has to lie to you. Lying kills relationships.

That said, if he can''t admit that smoking is bad (all smokers know it''s bad), and that quitting is a good thing that should be a goal even if it''s not immediate (which we also all know), and if he keeps lying about it... you might want to reconsider spending the rest of your life with him.

 

[luckystar112]

I have to respectfully disagree with Indie...

I wouldn't worry about him lying to you. It's very common. And it's more of a "what she doesn't know won't kill her" than it is a lie. I can't even tell you how many times I've tried to quit and been terrified of FI finding out that I failed.....AGAIN. Especially knowing that he hates it!

Also, stress with school, work, needing something to do, needing it after a meal, needing it when out drinking....those are all EXCUSES that people make to themselves to stay smoking.

Think about for a second: He's under stress, so he smokes to relax. He has a ton of work to do, so he smokes to hype himself up. Opposites. He smokes when he's bored because it's better than staring at a wall. He smokes when he's out socially because he's drinking and with friends. Opposites. He smokes in the morning with coffee because he feels like he needs it to start the day. He smokes at night before he goes to bed because he feels weird if he doesn't. OPPOSITES!!

In other words, take away all of his stress and he'll still smoke. Pile him on with stress, and he'll still smoke. Takes away all of him REASONS for smoking, and his new reason will be that he's dealing with the loss of his OLD reasons. That's how smoking works. That's how smokers THINK. That's how I think! He's not going to change until he figures out that nicotine isn't this magical drug that can cure boredom, hype you up, calm you down, make your food or coffee taste better...etc.

Also, I agree with Mara about how you have to decide if you would marry him if he would smoke forever. Not that he WILL, but this is his OWN battle. Asking him to cut down, or giving him till the end of the term will do NOTHING but stress him out and give him an excuse to light another one. Not to mention that comparing it to training a dog or a child is just kind of insulting. (Sorry Indie, but it is.

) KimberlyH stopped for her FI, and she is extremely lucky. You can't look at it like, "if he loved me, he'd quit". Not true. This is HIS demon, and I can guarantee that he hates doing it and wish he didn't. Ask any smoker if they enjoy doing it. No. Also, he could look at it like, "if SHE loved me, she'd deal with it." also unhealthy...I hope he doesn't feel that way.

And another thing I would stay away from is "doubting" him without even realize you're doing it. For instance, FI would say to me when I would tell him that I'm trying to quit, "I hope it lasts this time." And you know what that would do? That would make me believe that he had doubts that I could do it, and I figured that SINCE he had doubts, it wouldn't be a big deal if failed. So I'd fail. Again...a smoker looks for ANY excuse to keep smoking.

 

[curiopotter]

Thanks for all the replies.

I have to think about this really hard. I can't imagine my life without him, but I also can't imagine it going back to what it once was when he was smoking a pack and a half a day.

Thanks for all of your suggestions, but they are things I had/have already tried. I suggested dropping a class. We see each other everyday but it's usually for 10 minutes in the morning before class, and maybe an hour after he gets home, if that. We have Sunday setup as our day to spend together, but I'd be willing to sacrafice that so he could get more work done and be less stressed out during the week so he wouldn't have to smoke to calm down. I guess I'm fooling myself with that; I know it's mental.

It breaks my heart; I'm truly, truly at a fork in the road, and since he doesn't want me talking about this to my family, I really don't know where to turn for guidance. In all honesty, I'm just tired of always being the one who wants to talk through issues, not necessesarily with him, but in general. I just want an answer. Ultimatums don't motivate people, and as much as it would devistate me if he picked smoking over me, I would be relieved in knowing I didn't have someone lying to me behind my back.

Thanks for all of your support.

 

[luckystar112]

Hey Curio, we were posting at the same time, so I hope you saw my post.

I know that his lying is probably infuriating, but I hope that you can see it from his perspective and understand WHY he didn''t want to tell you. Maybe you can just tell him that it''s something you want to work on together, and be 100% supportive...promise not to freak if he relapses, type of deal. That could help.

 

[KimberlyH]

Lucky, it was actually I who quit. We had only been dating for 3 months at a time, long distance, and I never once lied to him about it, because I believe(d) he had the right to make a fully informed decision about who he was choosing to date, and part of that is that I was, at the time, a smoker. It was my demon, but the potential long term affect on his life if I had continued to smoke made it his right to know. Lying, even by omission, would have been a huge mistake on my part and totally unfair to him.

 

[Gypsy]

Honey, I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer but I don''t. I know you feel betrayed and heartbroken and all I have to offer is an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

John smokes when he''s really stressed and depressed. But he doesn''t have an adictive personality at all. So it never worries me. He smokes maybe 2 or 3 out of a pack, outdoors, and then throws it away. He also occassionally (like once a year) wil have a smoke at a bar watching sports with the guys.

His dad died of lung cancer who he knows how I feel (that I will not be with a smoker) and he is very concious of it as he watched his dad suffer saw what it did to his family and does not ever want to do that to me, or himself.

Earlier this year when we were having problems, be was adjusting to the move, his grandfather''s death, his new job and under a LOT of stress he was smoking more... but he started going to a therapist to talk through his feelings and work through his problems and stopped smoking almost immediately.

Is there a way that maybe instead of your SO smoking when stressed and concerned, to get into a therapy program that will give him to tools to manage his stress in other ways?

It''s really worked for John, and it''s really helped us over all. And with John''s therapists I had a few sessions with him to discuss what my concerns about John were (without John present so I could be honest) so if you were able to do that, you could maybe work through your discuss your of betrayal. It really has helped us, because John has stopped clamming up and bottling up all hs frustrations and stress and we are able to talk things through and come up with solutions together.

((HUGS)) honey.

 

[Skippy123]

Well, I am very sorry. My hubby quit smoking for 1 year when we got married. I caught him smoking one evening; I think people lie because they are ashamed, seriously. I don't think he is a bad guy; I think he is probably upset with himself and thought what you don't know won't hurt you but it does. I think we all do that sometimes and don't realize the ramafications of our actions at that moment. Maybe he thought if he didn't tell you he would eventually quit which was my hubby's thinking.

I love my husband and he smoked for about 4 more years. It bothered me but what could I do??? Then he kept getting sick and the doctor scared him into quitting. He has been smoke free for almost 3 years. He said it was the hardest thing has had to do. I have talked to friends and family and even after several years of smoking they still crave it; hubby tells me he craves it but he ddin't like the direction his health was headed. It honestly sounds super hard to stop especially when someone is stressed.

I hope he stops but try and be supportive and give him time. It has to come within him which I also agree w/Maisie on. No matter how much I complained and nagged it didn't work; it happened when he felt it was time which I understand.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I feel your pain. My DH chews tobacco. It is so gross I cannot even explain how much I hate it. He has been doing it for 15 years or so. What is hard is I thought by the time we got married he would quit, he didn't. Then I thought well, when we have our first child he will quit. We are about 7 weeks away from that with no signs of quiting. I KNOW he has to WANT to quit in order to be successful. I think that is what is so heart breaking. He doesn't WANT to quit so therefore any amount of nagging would be pointless. I have tried to guilt him, bribe him, scare him....hopeless

Part of me still hopes when he sees his first born he will want to quit to be healthy and live longer for our child. He enjoys it which makes it so much harder. He chews b/c he is stressed. He chews b/c he wants to relax. He chews b/c he is bored. The reasons are endless.

 

[luckystar112]

I agree with you KimberlyH. But do you think that maybe it made it easier for you to tell him since you were long distance and not together for that long at the time? Were you thinking of quitting anyway, before you had met him?

Do you think that it would have been different if you had been together longer and you had tried to quit and failed a few times? It's okay to say no (lol), but I'm just trying to point out that circumstances can be different.

I don't think that it's okay to "lie" to your partner about who you are. But I do understand why he would keep it from her. Most likely, (and I've done this) he figured he'd quit before she ever found out again.

I think you're a very strong person for being able to quit just like that. I remember you responded to my thread about smoking a while back when you first told me that story...and I admire you for it! But for some of us out there its a little harder. I just don't want it to come off like he's a bad guy because he hid it from her, although it wasn't nice.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/9/2007 2:19:55 PM
Author: luckystar112
I wouldn''t worry about him lying to you. It''s very common. And it''s more of a ''what she doesn''t know won''t kill her'' than it is a lie.

Don''t kid yourself, Lucky. Just because it''s common doesn''t mean it''s not a Red Flag. Guess what ELSE its Common to lie about & justify with "what she/he doesn''t know won''t kill him/her" : affairs, drug addiction, gambling ....

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/9/2007 2:23:37 PM
Author: curiopotter
I''m truly, truly at a fork in the road, and since he doesn''t want me talking about this to my family, I really don''t know where to turn for guidance.

JMHO .. but I think this is a totally unfair & borderline abusive request. He''s ISOLATING you from your support network to cover up his OWN SHAME. Too freakin bad. Don''t accept that. Don''t agree to that!!!!

You can''t control what he does (lying, smoking etc) but you CERTAINLY can control what YOU DO.

Giving in to this request of his makes you COMPLICIT ... ENABLING ... etc. JUST SAY NO!!!

 

[luckystar112]

True deco,

But all I''m trying to say is that as a smoker, I understand why he was afraid to tell her. I don''t consider myself a lying, manipulating person who will hide things from FI in the future. But I know that if I went a long time without smoking and then started again, I''d be ashamed enough to perhaps not mention it to FI and try to figure it out on my own before I got him involved. But since you are your own worst enemy and your own best friend, it probably wouldn''t work and I''d end up getting caught. It''s like Skippy said...he''s probably just ashamed. And while I agree with you that people use that excuse for other vices (such as some posters who buy jewelry on here without letting their husband''s know) I still think that each circumstance is different.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/9/2007 3:31:14 PM
Author: luckystar112
I understand why he was afraid to tell her. I don't consider myself a lying, manipulating person who will hide things from FI in the future. But I know that if I went a long time without smoking and then started again, I'd be ashamed enough to perhaps not mention it to FI and try to figure it out on my own before I got him involved.

I'm not trying to pick a fight or pick on you ... but everyone thinks their own situation is "special". But the deal is (IMO) we all know when we're doing something "wrong" -- you get that funny little shameful feeling ... and you can either hide it & become secretive -- OR -- you can out yourself & accept the consequences. I try to live by an "out myself" policy. I trust that my DH can handle failures on my part & I trust I can handle failures on his part. Nothing gets solved in secret. Only foul things grow in the dark.

 

[angel_nieves]

Curio you seem to be such a sweet person from your posts, I wish you the best with dealing with your partner. I smoked for about five years until my mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I stayed at home to take care of her and watched her heath deteriorate and her body racked with pain. This was the only thing that ever got my attention when it came to smoking and I have been smoke free since.
My hubby hated that I smoked and was very upset when I did, however it did not faze me I simply needed a cig to bad. When your partner is ready he will quite. However as others have stated before he will quite when he is ready. No amount of crying or pointing out heath facts will change him till he is ready. I hope that what I wrote is of some help. I am praying for you and your partner..

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/9/2007 3:15:42 PM
Author: luckystar112
I agree with you KimberlyH. But do you think that maybe it made it easier for you to tell him since you were long distance and not together for that long at the time? Were you thinking of quitting anyway, before you had met him?

Do you think that it would have been different if you had been together longer and you had tried to quit and failed a few times? It's okay to say no (lol), but I'm just trying to point out that circumstances can be different.

I don't think that it's okay to 'lie' to your partner about who you are. But I do understand why he would keep it from her. Most likely, (and I've done this) he figured he'd quit before she ever found out again.

I think you're a very strong person for being able to quit just like that. I remember you responded to my thread about smoking a while back when you first told me that story...and I admire you for it! But for some of us out there its a little harder. I just don't want it to come off like he's a bad guy because he hid it from her, although it wasn't nice.

Lucky,

At my peek I smoked a pack and a half to two packs a day, and I had no intention of quitting. I loved to smoke (I also believe it is highly addictive and am suprised at your comments about nicotine not being that harsh of a substance, especially considering it's only one of the almost 600 addatives in a cigarette, and that people smoke by choice as opposed to addiction, I would think your own struggles with quitting would lead you to believe differently). I still miss it. There are moments when I'm driving alone or sitting outside reading a good book and think "I'd love a cigarette!", I still crave it physically and emotionally.

Our distance didn't make it easier, it actually would have made it much easier to hide, we saw one another once every 3-4 weeks, he would have never known if I had smoked while he wasn't around and we were so new to dating that at the time I didn't feel I owed him much of anything, but I believe people should always be honest, especially in their relationships, because again, he had the right to decide whether I was someone he wanted to be with, good and bad habits included.

I did try and fail, several times over 10 years, and yeah, I'd have felt pretty terrible had a failed again and had to fess up to him, but I would have anyways, because again, I'm all about honesty in relationships.

I never intended to give the impression that quiting was easy. I spent about 4 weeks going through serious withdrawals. I had a temper like nobodys business, I isolated myself, didn't see my friends, talk on the phone, I cried, it was terrible. J and I went on a trip 2 weeks after I quit, I totally lost it the morning after we arrived, I demanded the key to our hotel room and took off on my own for about an hour, I just needed to be alone or I was going to explode. He got to see the nasty side of my quitting too, and because I was honest, I was lucky enough to be innundated with his support.

I never called curio's boyfriend a bad guy, I just said he owes her the truth.

 

[Hest88]

Oh, I''m so sorry sweetie. My DH smoked when we first started going out. He knew he couldn''t date me and smoke so he quit. However, it took longer than expected and the first time I found out he was still smoking when I thought he''d quit was such a blow and I felt something akin to betrayal. When he found out how upset I was he worked harder to quit and now it''s been almost 9 years. I think one thing that helped was how proud he was of being a non-smoker and conquering his addiction.

I don''t have much advice for you, but for me the smoking thing really was a deal-breaker and I hate to imagine what would have happened if my DH hadn''t been able to quit.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I totally understand how you feel because my situation was very similar....only I didn''t find out until AFTER I got married. My DH had the cleanest clothes, breathe, etc, you could ever imagine. I thought I tasted it on him once or twice but figured I was just imagining it. I NEVER smelled it on him or in his car or house. We didn''t live together before we got married. So when I found a letter from a doctor about a physical he had mentioning that he should stop smoking, I immediately confronted him and he lied and said the doctor made a mistake. So I understand. I was MAD. I didn''t sign on to be married to a smoker. In fact, I wouldn''t even date one. I hate the whole smoking thing. But he insisted it was only a few now and again and that it was only under periods of great stress. Meanwhile, his dad had died a slow death of emphesema. (spell?)

To tell you the truth, I didn''t believe his story then and I don''t really now. Who starts smoking in their late 30''s? But I have never tasted it on him again so I just don''t worry. But if I believed he had a full pack and a half a day habit, would I marry him? No. I am sorry. I wouldn''t. I don''t want to take care of someone with a self inflicted illness when I am 65. It is one thing if they get sick from a disease that they can''t help but eventually ALL smoker''s have deteriorating health and most elderly ones get emphesema at some point.


I would wait to see if he quit again. And don''t let him place the blame on you. And maybe that you have nagged him more than usual but that is no excuse. Good luck.

 

[luckystar112]

I agree Deco! I don''t think it''s right to lie. Now that Curio knows, he''s going to have to try to quit again. Ugh, maybe I''m sympathizing with him too much because I''m in the same spot he is. All I can say is that it''s a bad bad bad thing to smoke. It really does turn you into an ugly person sometimes. Maybe not as much as a heroin addict, but still.

 

[luckystar112]

Kimberly H,

I don''t know all about the facts of cigarettes, just what I''ve been reading in the book that I mentioned earlier which states that nicotine is an ADDICTION, but the act of smoking itself is more of a mental thing, and less of an addiction. He says that the chemical reactions in cigarettes are easy to deal with, and that it''s the brainwashing that is so hard to recover from. His exact words are, "everytime you put a cigarette out you stop smoking."

In regards to withdrawls, his idea is that they are actually just an empty, insecure feeling of being deprived of a "prop", i.e., the cigarette. Brainwashed. He brings up the fact that unlike a heroin addict with extreme withdrawl symptoms, smoker''s just get antsy and have an empty feeling that needs to be filled. Quit smoking for 3 weeks, and 99% of the nicotine is out of your body...so the only thing that is making you "crave" a cigarette even years down the road, is that monster in your head that misses having your "friend".

So...I tend to agree with him, although I have no idea what his credentials are. He has clinics all over the world, the only one in the U.S. being here in Houston, TX. He was also a 3 pack a day smoker who just woke up to his realizations and quit one day.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/9/2007 4:09:19 PM
Author: luckystar112
Kimberly H,

I don''t know all about the facts of cigarettes, just what I''ve been reading in the book that I mentioned earlier which states that nicotine is an ADDICTION, but the act of smoking itself is more of a mental thing, and less of an addiction. He says that the chemical reactions in cigarettes are easy to deal with, and that it''s the brainwashing that is so hard to recover from. His exact words are, ''everytime you put a cigarette out you stop smoking.''

In regards to withdrawls, his idea is that they are actually just an empty, insecure feeling of being deprived of a ''prop'', i.e., the cigarette. Brainwashed. He brings up the fact that unlike a heroin addict with extreme withdrawl symptoms, smoker''s just get antsy and have an empty feeling that needs to be filled. Quit smoking for 3 weeks, and 99% of the nicotine is out of your body...so the only thing that is making you ''crave'' a cigarette even years down the road, is that monster in your head that misses having your ''friend''.

So...I tend to agree with him, although I have no idea what his credentials are. He has clinics all over the world, the only one in the U.S. being here in Houston, TX. He was also a 3 pack a day smoker who just woke up to his realizations and quit one day.

I''m great and groovy with whatever convinces people to quit, but I think his views are a bit simplistic. Even Phillip Morris admits that smoking is highly addictive. And mental addictions can be as toxic, difficult to break and complicated as those that are physical. Here''s an interesting website that addresses the subject of nicotine addiction: http://whyfiles.org/024nicotine/addiction.html