I''m so devistated...

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/9/2007 4:09:19 PM
Author: luckystar112
Kimberly H,

I don''t know all about the facts of cigarettes, just what I''ve been reading in the book that I mentioned earlier which states that nicotine is an ADDICTION, but the act of smoking itself is more of a mental thing, and less of an addiction. He says that the chemical reactions in cigarettes are easy to deal with, and that it''s the brainwashing that is so hard to recover from. His exact words are, ''everytime you put a cigarette out you stop smoking.''

In regards to withdrawls, his idea is that they are actually just an empty, insecure feeling of being deprived of a ''prop'', i.e., the cigarette. Brainwashed. He brings up the fact that unlike a heroin addict with extreme withdrawl symptoms, smoker''s just get antsy and have an empty feeling that needs to be filled. Quit smoking for 3 weeks, and 99% of the nicotine is out of your body...so the only thing that is making you ''crave'' a cigarette even years down the road, is that monster in your head that misses having your ''friend''.

So...I tend to agree with him, although I have no idea what his credentials are. He has clinics all over the world, the only one in the U.S. being here in Houston, TX. He was also a 3 pack a day smoker who just woke up to his realizations and quit one day.

Yeah, I would have to agree with KimberlyH here: cigarettes are extremely addictive. If they weren''t, I imagine you (and every other smoker who wants to quit) would have quit by now.

Curio, I''m sorry you''re going through this. Lying is lying no matter what it''s about, in my opinion. I hope you work this out. I''m sorry we couldn''t be more helpful but I guess the bottom line is if he doesn''t want to quit, he won''t.

 

[luckystar112]

Good site, Kimberly!

I just find nicotine addiction so fascinating. I agree that an addiction to nicotine as well as mental addictions can be toxic, and with smoking it seems to be a deadly combination of both.
I am trying to understand how someone can be addicted to cigarettes, but at the same time most people can sleep through a whole night without having to wake up and smoke. Some people can go through a whole day at work, or like me, a whole vacation. Some people are only casual smokers who maybe have 1 a week, yet that is an addiction too and the only difference is the amount of cigarettes smoked. I think that''s where it gets more psychological too, because everyone is taking in the same drug, yet the addictions are so different. You said that you smoked a pack and a half a day or so, and I only smoke a half a pack a day, yet it is the same drug. Also, they way you felt when you tried to quit was different than me...in those five days I only felt a strong urge to smoke after dinner. I tend to think it''s because I was outside of my "element". Different state, different people, different environment...whereas here at home I am used to smoking at certain times and during different activities. I am convinced that if I were still in Virginia right now, I would be a "non-smoker", but something triggered me to want to smoke as soon as I got back here. I can''t blame that on the cigarette in itself, it has to be something else.

And I wonder if cigarettes weren''t so easily available if I would want to smoke more?
The whole thing is just so fascinating to me, because it''s not just addiction to nicotine, and it''s not just psychological. For some reason, everyone appears to be different.
My mom quit cold turkey and said that she never once craved a cigarette when she decided to quit. She owes that to her attitude about it, because as soon as she put out her last cigarette she declared herself a non-smoker and almost immediately took pity on those that still smoked. She was somehow able to 100% disconnect herself with that world and move on without cigarettes in her life. For some people its harder though. It''s just....a huge enigma!!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 9/9/2007 4:41:51 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/9/2007 4:09:19 PM

Author: luckystar112

Kimberly H,


I don''t know all about the facts of cigarettes, just what I''ve been reading in the book that I mentioned earlier which states that nicotine is an ADDICTION, but the act of smoking itself is more of a mental thing, and less of an addiction. He says that the chemical reactions in cigarettes are easy to deal with, and that it''s the brainwashing that is so hard to recover from. His exact words are, ''everytime you put a cigarette out you stop smoking.''


In regards to withdrawls, his idea is that they are actually just an empty, insecure feeling of being deprived of a ''prop'', i.e., the cigarette. Brainwashed. He brings up the fact that unlike a heroin addict with extreme withdrawl symptoms, smoker''s just get antsy and have an empty feeling that needs to be filled. Quit smoking for 3 weeks, and 99% of the nicotine is out of your body...so the only thing that is making you ''crave'' a cigarette even years down the road, is that monster in your head that misses having your ''friend''.


So...I tend to agree with him, although I have no idea what his credentials are. He has clinics all over the world, the only one in the U.S. being here in Houston, TX. He was also a 3 pack a day smoker who just woke up to his realizations and quit one day.

Yeah, I would have to agree with KimberlyH here: cigarettes are extremely addictive. If they weren''t, I imagine you (and every other smoker who wants to quit) would have quit by now.


Curio, I''m sorry you''re going through this. Lying is lying no matter what it''s about, in my opinion. I hope you work this out. I''m sorry we couldn''t be more helpful but I guess the bottom line is if he doesn''t want to quit, he won''t.

For the record, I never said that Nicotine isn''t addictive. Of course it''s addictive, and its easy to be addicted to...but unlike heroin or cocaine it''s not just the chemicals that KEEP you addicted. Quitting smoking isn''t going to put you in the hospital or be so physically painful that you can''t manage...unlike some other drugs. That''s what I mean by "weakest chemical" to be addicted to.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/9/2007 4:46:04 PM
Author: luckystar112
Good site, Kimberly!

I just find nicotine addiction so fascinating. I agree that an addiction to nicotine as well as mental addictions can be toxic, and with smoking it seems to be a deadly combination of both.
I am trying to understand how someone can be addicted to cigarettes, but at the same time most people can sleep through a whole night without having to wake up and smoke. Some people can go through a whole day at work, or like me, a whole vacation. Some people are only casual smokers who maybe have 1 a week, yet that is an addiction too and the only difference is the amount of cigarettes smoked. I think that''s where it gets more psychological too, because everyone is taking in the same drug, yet the addictions are so different. You said that you smoked a pack and a half a day or so, and I only smoke a half a pack a day, yet it is the same drug. Also, they way you felt when you tried to quit was different than me...in those five days I only felt a strong urge to smoke after dinner. I tend to think it''s because I was outside of my ''element''. Different state, different people, different environment...whereas here at home I am used to smoking at certain times and during different activities. I am convinced that if I were still in Virginia right now, I would be a ''non-smoker'', but something triggered me to want to smoke as soon as I got back here. I can''t blame that on the cigarette in itself, it has to be something else.

And I wonder if cigarettes weren''t so easily available if I would want to smoke more?
The whole thing is just so fascinating to me, because it''s not just addiction to nicotine, and it''s not just psychological. For some reason, everyone appears to be different.
My mom quit cold turkey and said that she never once craved a cigarette when she decided to quit. She owes that to her attitude about it, because as soon as she put out her last cigarette she declared herself a non-smoker and almost immediately took pity on those that still smoked. She was somehow able to 100% disconnect herself with that world and move on without cigarettes in her life. For some people its harder though. It''s just....a huge enigma!!

I know a crank addict (a distant family member) who only gets high a few times a month, it''s all he can afford, he is no less an addict than the person who gets high 5 times a day.

For some it''s easier to pity smokers than associate with them, because it reminds the person of the enjoyment they found in smoking. For me, I totally empathize, but I can''t excuse lying, fibbing, etc. just because I know how it feels.

Curio, we have totally hijacked your thread, I am so sorry. Back to you and your situation, I can imagine how hurt you are and hope you and your BF can come to some sort of resolution that works for both of you.

 

[Harriet]

Curiopotter,
I have no experience with cigarettes, but I''m sorry about your situation.

 

[luckystar112]

I agree curio...sorry for hijacking your thread!

I''m still going to stand by my stance regarding him keeping it from you. At least until you talk about it more and you find out why.

I hope things work out for you! ::hugs::

 

[snlee]

curiopotter, I just wanted to say I''m sorry you are in this situation and I hope it gets better soon. I don''t have any good advice, as I''ve never been in this situation. But I do feel the same way as you - I would NEVER want to be with a smoker. I can''t stand being near smokers.

 

[perry]

curiopotter:

I feel for you; Tough spot to be in.

One of the issues here is that this is an addition issue - and specifically a chemical addition issue. Now a great many people have addicition issues - but not all additions are to various chemicals. Alcohol and nickotine are only the two most common ones - and only because they are legal for most people to use.

I would also point out that it is not entirely correct to say that all smokers lie (or drinkeres either). It is more correct to say that addicts who are either not willing to face up to their addition or are unwilling to really attempt to quite lie about their addition.

Pleanty of people smoke and don''t hide it. To me the real issue is why this behavior has to be hidden.

Understanding more about additctive behavior may help you understand your DH and your choices better.

Perhaps you will understand and accept; perhaps you will understand and not accept; perhaps you will not understand and not accept; and perhaps you will not understand and not accept.

Perry

 

[Beacon]

Curio what a tough spot to be in

. I am really sorry.

One good thing is that he is honest enuf with you to say that he doesn''t want to quit now. At least he is not giving you a line of BS about how he will quit and then doesn''t, etc.

He is under huge stress so he is smoking. It''s not unusual. But you will have to face it head on: he''s a smoker and in the future, especially when times are tough, he will smoke again.

Is this what you want? Yes, his health will suffer. That much said, people who never smoked a day in their lives get lung cancer, just like Christopher Reeves'' wife. You never know, there are no guarantees. But smoking tips the odds the wrong way. It will result in higher expenses down the road, especially for health care and life insurance. It is something to think about.

Does he have any other addictive tendencies, like drinking or gambling? If it''s just smoking, it is a contained issue, but one that might drive you nuts. Bottom line, you have to figure he will smoke and stay smoking. We ladies often think a man will change and they do not change. So we have to be realistic. I know it is really hard and I am sorry you are in this situtation.

 

[strmrdr]

hmmm I wouldnt tell ya either.
He is stressed out too the point he started smoking again, been there and it was a ton of stress.
Now he is getting a ton of stress from you.
poor guy.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/9/2007 9:22:05 PM
Author: strmrdr
hmmm I wouldnt tell ya either.
He is stressed out too the point he started smoking again, been there and it was a ton of stress.
Now he is getting a ton of stress from you.
poor guy.

We all have been "stressed." It''s certainly not an excuse for lying about something to the person that should be your closest friend and confidante. I smoked, a lot, I know how it feels to crave a cigarette, still do; but I also know that honesty is key in any successful relationship. If he''s man enough to smoke, he should be man enough to admit it. I was certainly human enough to tell my then BF, no matter how sad or bad it made me feel to have to admit to a habit that might have made him, or any other guy I dated, choose not to see me anymore.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 9/9/2007 10:25:56 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 9/9/2007 9:22:05 PM
Author: strmrdr
hmmm I wouldnt tell ya either.
He is stressed out too the point he started smoking again, been there and it was a ton of stress.
Now he is getting a ton of stress from you.
poor guy.

We all have been ''stressed.'' It''s certainly not an excuse for lying about something to the person that should be your closest friend and confidante. I smoked, a lot, I know how it feels to crave a cigarette, still do; but I also know that honesty is key in any successful relationship. If he''s man enough to smoke, he should be man enough to admit it. I was certainly human enough to tell my then BF, no matter how sad or bad it made me feel to have to admit to a habit that might have made him, or any other guy I dated, choose not to see me anymore.

Was just sayin that there is another side too the story in a rather grumpy way cuz im grumpy today.
Besides its a guy thing stressed out + knowing ya is going to get grief from your Lady == put it off as long as possible.
Still feel sorry for him.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Stormy, I agree with the point you made. I know he is disappointed in himself...knows how disappointed and hurt Curio would be. Didn''t want to face the music and feel like a failure. Especially with the other weight he is towing.

Curio, you must realize this guy would move heaven and earth for you...in his eyes he feels like he has lost your respect. He didn''t want to make it a reality by walking in and telling you guess what I am smoking again aren''t you proud of me? He was ashamed that he started up again...he couldn''t help it. He wasn''t strong enough to fight the power the drug had on him. He went to it for support. A man is never going to be proud of his weakness or failures. Especially to the woman he believes puts him higher than any other.

I don''t think this is as simple as black and white as the truth or a lie...it is merely the result of his shame in disappointing you. Maybe understanding that would make your response a paler shade of grey?

DKS

 

[KimberlyH]

Curio, how are you doing today?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Curio: I''m chiming in a bit late but I just wanted to send hugs your way. When my DH and I were dating he quit smoking for me but ultimately turned back to it and lied to me about it. I found out - smelled it, found cigs in his pockets, etc. and I too was devastated. It nearly ruined our relationship.

We struggled with it for a while but he ultimately decided that if he wanted to be with me that he would have to quit entirely. No "social smoking" or "weekend smoking" or anything like that. He quit cold turkey and has been smoke free since then (probably about 4 years). Your FF has to WANT to quit in order to do it.

Someone had mentioned earlier about how smoking can be about excuses - you''re stressed and need to relax or you need to get moving on a project so you light up for energy and how those things contradict each other. I totall agree with this. My DH would use these excuses all the time and I never bought it. Not for a second.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and stay strong. Keep us updated and I''ll keep you and your FF in my prayers.

Jess

 

[partgypsy]

ditto. I can understand why he would not tell you judging from your reaction!
If you can''t tolerate a smoker, and are not willing to wait it out to a less stressful time to talk to him about this, then I advise you to leave but in a calm, nonjudgemental way. The hysterics doesn''t help.

I disagree with others that say cigarrette smoking is not very addictive or that it is mental. No, it is one of the most addictive drugs out there, that also happens to be legal.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have an underlying issue, whether real or perceived, that he feels you are "henpecking" and trying to control him. Whether it is smoking or something else you both may need to find better ways of working through those things if you want to stay together as a couple.

 

[curiopotter]

Thanks for the support and insight.

Honestly, I''m just tired. These last two years have been hell for the both of us.


The accident I spoke of earlier happened in July ''05 and left him with a post-surgical infection (cause by swelling and poor circulation most likely caused by his 15+ years of smoking) and almost left him without his leg. After a series of debridements and surgical procedures, the result was the loss of his achilles tendon, replaced by a rerouted tendon in his leg. All through this, I took a leave of absence from work, I skipped classes, I neglected myself and gained 30 pounds, and sacraficed as much as I could in order to get him better. I did everything from bathing him at the hospital, to walking him to the toilet, to just about everything a normal person wants or needs done in a day. He finally got home from the hospital, became somewhat stable, and then Hurricane Rita hit. The winds blew over a 100+ year old tree from the back of his house to the front, completely destroying the roof. It took a year to rebuild and sell, and he moved in with his brother as I was still living with my parents. As a result of this, we lost all privacy, and eventually my sanity. I can only imagine what he felt.

Even during ALL of that stress, he never went back to smoking, which is why I''m so devistated. I''m also exhausted... emotionally, I feel like I''ve been gut-punched. I thanked God for that accident because in my mind, the trade-off was better. He traded in smoking for a limp.

I made some remarks about me hen-pecking him a few months ago. When I asked him why he started smoking again, and he said he didn''t know, and that it was nice to get out of the box and walk around. I told him there were other ways of coping, and I thought he trusted and could confide in me, and he brought up that conversation for some reason or another. I don''t know why he said that, because I''ve always let him do whatever he wanted to do, and he''s agreed that''s true. When we originally had that long discussion a few months ago, we had a really long talk about why he was feeling that way, and it ended resolved. (It was a really long conversation involving a number of personal matters, and there''s no way I''ll be able to write it all out, other than saying there was a miscommunication between both of us.)

I haven''t given him hell, I cried, took a drive, and came back the next morning.

He is truly the most caring, giving, kind-hearted person I''ve ever known. He''s such a positive influence in my life, always supporting all of my adventures, and he''d give me the world if I asked for it. He answers my questions wholeheartedly and honestly. He''s never been controlling with me, he just is embarassed to bring this up to my immediate family. He said I could talk to friends about it, just not my family.

He feels dissapointed and embarassed. I feel exhausted.



I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him... Just not in a smoke filled room.

*sigh*

 

[partgypsy]

I apologize if I made assumptions; reading your post it sounds like I did.

I guess I am sensitive because until my little brother finally quit (yay!) I was the only smoker in a family of smokers. I tried everything pleading, cajoling, the pamphlets with the blackened lungs, even worse stuff (hiding their cigarrettes). None of it worked. They started when they were young (my mother at age 13) when you really don''t have the best decisionmaking or knowledge, and by the time they learned the bad news the habit was really entrenched. I don''t know how many times my brother tried to stop smoking before it was successful, and he is a pretty determined guy. But they are not criminals, weak willed, liers and all this other stuff people are calling them, just unfortunately hooked.


My husband was a "chipper" he smoked occasionally when out drinking socially, a few cigarettes a week. It was also a situation I didn''t realize he smoked when we became a couple because I never saw him smoking. We were together many years, and other than mentioning it when I smelled it on his breath, didn''t nag or anything him. One day he said, the smoking, it really bothers you doesn''t it. And I said yes it does. He said, well I''ve been thinking about it and I don''t like it either. And he was able to quit. He also moved working from a smoke filled restaurant to a smoke free restaurant so now even his work clothes don''t smell either. I am very glad he quit, but he had to come to that realization, noone can force another person to quit. But at the same time he was a very casual smoker, don''t know how hard it would be to quit someone that is hard core.

There is a possibility even though he really loves you he still might not be able to quit. Which puts you in a hard spot. Do you love him more than you hate the smoking? Either way if he is under alot of pressure he will not be in the most receptive state to deal with this. If he doesn''t and you stay it is perfectly reasonable to set limits that you ask him not to smoke in the apartment, when you go out to eat etc. If he does want to quit there are many supportive things you can do to help him quit, but you have to wait till he is motivated to quit on his own.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m sorry you''re still feeling so sad and tired. I continue to hope the two of you can come to a feasible resolution.