I''m so angry, I could scream....vent (kinda long)

[princessplease]

OK, so a bit of background here...FI and I were engaged in March. One of the first things my dad told me when I was deciding wedding roles was that my nieces needed to be in the wedding, somehow or another, or he wouldn't give us money for the wedding. I think this goes without saying, but my dad can be pretty nasty and manipulative sometimes. I really do not like my brother and SIL. My SIL is very mean and snarky, to me and my entire family (including my dad, to his face AND behind his back) and always has something nasty to say about everyone and everything. My dad always guilts FI and I into going to functions for her and my brother by threatening to take the money he offered for the wedding away from us if FI and I didn't go to whatever the function was. I had no intentions of having my nieces in the wedding at all, in any role. So, to appease my father, I agreed to have my 3 y/o (she will be 3 at wedding time) niece as a flowergirl, even though I don't want a flowergirl. My SIL even said at one point in the spring that if both of her children weren't in the wedding, then none of them could be. So, of course, to appease my father, I did both kids in the wedding.

So I decided that my nieces, who are 7 and 2, would be a jr BM (along with my sister, who will be 12 at wedding time) and a flower girl. I told my SIL, and everything was fine. Well, after much thought, I decided that my 7 year old niece was too young to be a jr BM, and decided that she was best fit for a flower girl. I emailed my SIL yesterday, and told her that I thought the 7 year old would be best fit for a flower girl role as she'd get more focus than if she were a jr BM, and she'd be able to help her little sister with the flowers. No response back.

Flash forward to today: My stepmom emailed me and told me that it was highly inappropriate and selfish of me to take my niece out of the jr BM role. She told me that I was "going to break her heart" and that she was "physically too big to be a flowergirl and will look odd in the dress". I told my stepmom that I'm sure she has no concept of what a jr. BM is (hell I don't, lol!) and that a flower girl would be a more appropriate role for a SEVEN year old child. She replied back with "well, you lied to said niece and that was nasty of you to back out like that and change her role in the wedding." I actually didn't tell my niece anything, my SIL did that. So my niece is in the wedding, just in a different and more appropriate role. She then hung up on me.

So FI, seeing how I was visibly upset, called my dad who said he was "very upset that I was so selfish as to hurt a little girl like that for no reason." FI then asked my dad if he was going to take the money away (which my dad always holds over my head to get me to do what he wants with the wedding, and I am sickened that I have to ask that every time I change something that involves his son's family), and he said he was going to because I was "so selfish to hurt a seven year old like that." I yelled some expletives at my father, as I was fuming at this point, and basically told him to stick his money where the sun doesn't shine if he's going to be manipulative and hang it over my head.

I am just so angry and hurt. This is my father, not some random relative. My SIL is such a nasty person, and I really don't even want her children in the wedding, but I did it to appease my father. I feel so odd that this is even an issue, and so disgusted that my own father is doing this to me. I called my mom, who said that my dad is just doing this to "show off" to his son by including his children in the wedding (my brother is my father and another woman's child). I just don't know what to do.....without his help, I can't afford the rest of the wedding. I just feel like he's saying all of these things to guilt me into giving my niece back that role because he doesn't want my SIL in his face about it, which she would definitely do if she's unhappy.

Sorry this is so long and scatterbrained, I'm just so angry and hurt.... Thanks for reading if you made it this far, lol!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it''s always important to plan a wedding that you yourself could afford for this reason exactly.

I think it''s a really ugly thing that your father is doing, really really awful. But if you''re feeling stressed over this situation, then it''s best to de-stress yourself and regardless of where it goes from here, take care of yourself and remove those that could corrupt your day.

This means if you don''t like how your father deals with things, which is understandable, then take his role and what he can harbor over you away. If you can find a way to pay for your wedding, then he no longer has the power to upset and hurt you in this capacity. Then, you''ve regained your control over your wedding with no conditions or obligations attached. If you want to un-ask the Jr. bridesmaid and flower girl, that is within your power now--no one else gets to tell you anything.

I am so sorry this happening...it''s sad and I''m hurting for you. Take care of yourself and your FI first, everyone else be damned.

 

[cindygenit]

Don''t take your dad''s money, and make this wedding the wedding YOU want. I hate it when money comes with strings attached. Its even more upsetting that your father is agreeing with your SIL, instead of supporting you.

I''m so sorry. ((HUGS))

 

[princessplease]

Thanks Italia. I really appreciate your sound and mature advice. It's baffling to me that my own father is doing this to me, and I'm really hurting because of it. It just seems so wrong to me, and while I love my dad, he really can be nasty at times. Thank you again for reading my post and offering advice. I have a lot of thinking to do. I know my mom is going to talk to him (she has a way over him, I swear, lol!!!) and try to explain to him the silliness of his decisions to act this way. Whether or not he actually listens to what she has to say is another story. It's even tougher because my stepmom, who is my biggest advocate in me having the wedding I want, is taking my dad's side, mainly because she doesn't want to fight with him by taking my side (my dad gets really pissed when people disagree with him.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:01:56 PM
Author: cindygenit
Don''t take your dad''s money, and make this wedding the wedding YOU want. I hate it when money comes with strings attached. Its even more upsetting that your father is agreeing with your SIL, instead of supporting you.


I''m so sorry. ((HUGS))

Thanks cindy. My SIL has this way of making people take her side all the time, and not caring who she hurts in the process. She really is selfish, and I know for a fact (I heard her say it!!!!) that the only reason she wants her kids in the wedding is so she can show them off in their little dresses (as she put it).

 

[kama_s]

I might be too harsh in how I would react to this, but if it were ME, I would ask turn down dad''s money and not invite him or anyone else that can''t support you on your wedding day (which includes your SIL and her kids). You will, to the very least, also be saving some extra money since you''re not getting anymore from your father.

 

[jaylex]

Wow. What your father is doing is terrible..
But i understand your situation compeletly...

Fi''s mother is the same way.. she has also told Fi that she hopes my family has "deep pockets" because although she has invited her WHOLE extended family to our wedding (that we don''t even have a date for) and wants the wedding to go the way she wants it too, she won''t be giving out a cent!
w/e

you just have to try to ignore people like that.. they are just bitter and will NEVER be satisfied no matter how much you give (or take away from) them...

I hope you find a way to have your dream wedding without his guilt-ridden funds.

you''re better off that way.. now everytime he wants you to stand on your head for his money, you can say "NO WAY, JOSE!!"


Btw, FI''s sister was just a flower girl in a wedding and she''s 11.. so there! lol

 

[LittleLovely]

Wow, that''s awful. I''m so sorry that this is happening to you. If I were you, I would not accept the money. That''s the only way to get back control over your wedding. It''s still 9 months away. Perhaps you can make some changes so that you''ll be able to afford it yourself. 2000dollarwedding.com might give you some good ideas. Or offbeat bride.

Also, I was a flower girl at age 7!

 

[swingirl]

Wow! That''s horrible. You are being manipulated so your SIL can "show off" her girls and your father can just "show off".

Don''t give in to this manipulation. No one is even considering the fact that you are the one getting married. This poor treatment will not end and you will be jumping through hoops for them long after the wedding.

Say no thanks on the money and have the wedding you can afford, postpone your wedding until you can afford it, elope, etc. But don''t take money with such strings attached.

And how does a 7 year old even know what the difference will be in the roll of a flower girl vs. jr. bridesmaid. I sure don''t.

 

[that_someone_special]

aww

family

I hope your father grows up!

 

[honey22]

Shove the money and elope! Sounds a whole lot more fun to me. Don''t let them ruin your day sweetie, plan the wedding of your dreams without them and their ''dirty'' money!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:13:43 PM
Author: kama_s
I might be too harsh in how I would react to this, but if it were ME, I would ask turn down dad''s money and not invite him or anyone else that can''t support you on your wedding day (which includes your SIL and her kids). You will, to the very least, also be saving some extra money since you''re not getting anymore from your father.

I totally, utterly and completely agree with kama_s.

Tel him you don''t want the money, plan a wedding that you want and can afford and tell him that people who do not love, respect and support you for YOU will not be invited to the wedding, him included.

My daughter is 9, she is only a head shorter than i am and she is going to be a flowergirl!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Your SIL sounds like my SIL! She pimped out her kids to more than 8 weddings of her friends and family so she could show off how cute they were, and have tons of pictures of them to show off...

I''d elope.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 10/21/2009 12:12:10 AM
Author: honey22
Shove the money and elope! Sounds a whole lot more fun to me. Don''t let them ruin your day sweetie, plan the wedding of your dreams without them and their ''dirty'' money!

Ditto

thats crazy really I highly doubt the 7 year old even cares urgh, weddings bring the crazy out I tell ya.

 

[princessplease]

kama-I would LOVE to not invite her family. I spoke to my aunt last night (who can be pretty tough sometimes) who told me if she even dares to mess with the day, that she will tell SIL will be asked to leave the wedding.

jaylex- Thanks for the support. I hope your FMIL stops acting like it''s her wedding. And thanks for the tip on the ELEVEN year old FG!

LittleLovely- Thanks for the blog links. I''ll have to check them out at home as I can''t access them here at work.

Swing- Thank you. That''s exactly what it is...my dad wants to show off to his son and his family. It disgusts me that he is hurting me by doing this. I also told my stepmom what you said about the difference between FG and jr BM...she rebutted with "Well, all she knows is that she gets to be a ''big girl'' like your (my) sister" (My 12 year old sister is a jr BM, which is a much more appropriate age).

SwedishBean- Thanks.

Honey- Thank you. You''re totally right about the money being ''dirty''.

Hawaiian- Thank you. You''re right...I feel unloved, disrespected and disgusted that this is happening. And another FG over 7....shove it dad, lol!!!

Freke- You got it!!!!!!!!!! We should get them together for a hangout, lol! She wants her girls in the wedding so everyone can oogle and ahh over how cute they look in their little dresses

I told FI let''s just go to Vegas and forget all of this crap. He wasn''t too keen on the idea because he knows how much I want the wedding we''re planning. I''m just gonna tell dad to shove his money and scrimp and save to do it without him because I can''t do this for another 8 months.

Deelight-Thank you. I''m sure she''s none the wiser to the difference....hell, I don''t even know what a jr BM does, lol!!!!

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others. Don''t take his money and let him have control over your wedding. It''s not worth it.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m sorry you have to deal with all the family drama. I say plan a wedding the way you and your FI want and can afford without anyone else''s input.

 

[TBjumper]

Oh Princess...I am sorry... that stinks all the way around. I have no words of wisom as far as what to do, but at the end of the day, this IS YOUR day. Do what is going to make you and FI happy. You want to look back at your wedding with smiles, not any sort of regret or anger for being pushed around. I agree with a few other posters. It may be hard not to have your dad''s help $$ wise, but I think you are better off without it. ***Hugs*** hang in there!

 

[princessplease]

Bee and oddoneout-Thanks for the supportive words.

TB-You''re right...I dont want to look back and have any regrets or anger towards the day.

 

[purselover]

It''s time to take back control and plan things your way, you''ve already been manipulated way too much! Knowing what you know now would you still have taken his money? If so then you need to apologize and unfortunately suck it up, if not it''s time to start figuring out how your going to do this on your own. Sorry your going through this but I also think it serves as a good warning for others about taking money with strings attached. ***HUGS***

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/21/2009 12:12:10 AM
Author: honey22
Shove the money and elope! Sounds a whole lot more fun to me. Don''t let them ruin your day sweetie, plan the wedding of your dreams without them and their ''dirty'' money!

Exactlly!

**HUGS**

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:01:56 PM
Author: cindygenit
Don''t take your dad''s money, and make this wedding the wedding YOU want. I hate it when money comes with strings attached. Its even more upsetting that your father is agreeing with your SIL, instead of supporting you.


I''m so sorry. ((HUGS))

I Happen to agree with this. You''ll feel better in the end, even if it is a lower budget wedding, it will be YOUR wedding and you''ll be happier for it!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I have no advice... I''m just so, so, so sorry. I hope with all my heart this does not ruin or tarnish your wedding experience. It''s awful your dad and stepmom are acting so ridiculous...

And FWIW- I was a flowergirl at the age of 8. I was petite, but still... My co-flower girl was really little at the time (also 3) and I helped her get down the isle. It was fine and didn''t look odd. It would look more off IMHO for a 7 year old to stand near the altar in a bridesmaid dress. I hope your family will recognize this

 

[Bia]

If I had relatives like this I would ELOPE. Or have a destiniation thing with just the people who support me - **** everyone else and their BS!

Sorry, but this makes me angry. I would be devasted if my father did this to me...honestly I can''t even imagine this type of scenario.

I know it''s easy for us to say ''Don''t take the money and run!'' but the truth is, it''s not that easy for some families. You do what you feel you have to, but I would stand my ground on this if you feel strongly about it - even to just make a point to your father. He might be bluffing, right?

 

[cara]

The 3 yro might actually need the 7 yrs to help guide her down the aisle - its a big scary aisle! And if the adults had handled it right, there would be no need to make her feel bad for not being a jr bridesmaid.

But as for your father and the rest of this lot, wow. Good riddance to his money and strings. I hope that your day can be happier without this manipulation.

 

[Haven]

Almost ALL money comes with strings attached, and I agree with everyone else to say "Thanks but no thanks" to the money and throw your wedding on your own. It really is a shame that the money your father offers you comes not only with strings attached, but with thorny branches. However, now you know, and you can graciously decline all future offers of "help" from his end.

I''m sorry he''s doing this. It''s ugly, and unkind, and just plain mean.

My own FIL became something of a bully while we were planning our wedding. He offered to pay for the band and the photog, and then took the offer back after we had already contracted with vendors he demanded we choose. Our wedding photos turned out to be so awful that we don''t have an album and we never will, and I hate to say that I''ll always have some ugly feelings toward my FIL about that. I *wish* I had been wise enough to just decline the offer when he first became controlling, as now I''d have decent photographs and a better relationship with my FIL.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/21/2009 11:42:41 AM
Author: Bia
If I had relatives like this I would ELOPE. Or have a destiniation thing with just the people who support me - **** everyone else and their BS!

Sorry, but this makes me angry. I would be devasted if my father did this to me...honestly I can''t even imagine this type of scenario.

I know it''s easy for us to say ''Don''t take the money and run!'' but the truth is, it''s not that easy for some families. You do what you feel you have to, but I would stand my ground on this if you feel strongly about it - even to just make a point to your father. He might be bluffing, right?

If you can''t just reject his money, use as little of it as you can.

And then call his bluff. Plan YOUR wedding the way YOU want.

You''ve got the biggest threat to dangle. It is YOUR wedding. If he doesn''t like that, then HIM & SIL''s family are not invited. (see how he likes that one)


I''m so sorry you are having to go through this. Families can be just awful sometimes.

 

[princessplease]

purselover- I would have not accepted had I known that this drama would ensue. But, you're totally right...do not accept money with strings attached!

meresal- Thank you.

rhb- Thanks, I don't want to do things his way and end up being unhappy on the big day.

pilsn- Thanks. I completely agree that a 7 year old would look ridiculous in a BP of grown women and my 12 year old sister, who is my height! Her mother said she wouldn't put her child in a strapless dress, and since my niece is rather large, regular sized gowns from the BM dress manufacturer would not fit her anyway, so even as a jr BM, she'd be in a dress that didn't match everyone else. And when I picture my BP with me at the ceremony, I don't picture a 7 year old standing at the end of the line. My rationale behind having her be a co-FG was that she can help her little sister (who will be three come wedding time) down the aisle.

Bia- Thank you. I really am angry too that he would not care that he's hurting me just to show off to his son. It also disgusts me that he's acting like this. I'm not going to change a thing. The 7 year old will be a FG, and if that means him taking his money, then fine, we'll figure it out. It won't be easy, but I feel too strongly about it to give in to my father to make him open his pockets up for us.

cara- Thanks. I was honestly thinking that the 3 y/o would definitely need help walking, and honestly, I don't want my SIL walking with her child down the aisle.

Haven- Thanks for sharing your story, and thanks for your advice. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It would pain me to look back and have any resentement of the day because I had to put this person in this role.

TooPaitent- Thank you. FI and I are going to sit down and see what we can modify/change/eliminate so we don't have to deal with this bull over the next 8 months. We would have to cut costs somewhere, and cutting 4 people (SIL's fam) off the guest list would save some cash

 

[kittybean]

PP, I''m sorry your dad is creating so much needless drama and heartache. It is really petty and terribly unfair to you. If you can pull off the wedding you want without his money, I''d do that--you should be able to enjoy your wedding day and have the wedding that you envision!

I think that 7 is a perfect age for a FG. I was in a number of weddings as a kid, and the last time I was a FG was at the age of 9. It makes no sense for a 7-year-old to be a junior bridesmaid. She''s a child, not a young adult. Can you make her title be JBM and have her wear a dress like her little sister''s and walk down the aisle with her? That way, you''d be recognizing her as a "big girl" while avoiding the 7-year-old-in-an-inappropriate-dress situation. I don''t think you need to do this, but I just wanted to make a suggestion that might keep the peace a little, if that''s what you''re inclined to do.

 

[princessplease]

KB-
Thanks for your advice. While I agree with you that I shouldn''t have to so anything, your idea is a really good one. That way, she can have the title (since apparently the title is the most important thing to her mother and my father) but actually do the role of a FG. I''m sure my niece would be none the wiser.