I''m getting frusterated....

[Italiahaircolor]

Hi Pricescope Friends!

I was on the receiving end of a very sad text message from my dear friend who is going through her divorce...

We''ve had big Black Friday plans since last year to tackle our shopping lists...and I decided to invite her to join me for a wrapping marathon post-shopping. I told her I''d buy a bunch of paper, tulle, bows, tags, tape, bags, tissue paper...I''d rent a good Christmas movie, or pick up one or two Christmas C.D''s....and put hot cocoa on...

She popped back, saying "no" that she wasn''t "feeling Christmas" this year and didn''t even want to go shopping.

. She went on to say she was feeling depressed after going to Toys R'' Us yesterday and looking at prices.

. She and her daughter decorated their Christmas tree yesterday too, and she''s not feeling like celebrating at all.

. (None of these things came as a surprise, but my friend did mention that she''d been stocking money away all year for the holidays...so I assumed it she would have a little something to spend...)

I told her that it''s perfectly understandable that she''s feeling down, she''s going through a lot this year, and she is grieving the loss of her marriage--which has stages of empowerment, but also has levels of depression. I told her that she doesn''t need to put on a lavish Christmas, that everyone will understand. That Christmas is more than gifts under a tree, and everyone has had a lean/mean Christmas before. I even offered to buy her daughter gifts from "Santa" instead of from my DH and I (we''d be spending money on K anyway...so might as well be from Santa...she''s 4 and wouldn''t know the difference anyway), so that there would be plenty for K on Christmas morning. My friend never responded or even acknowledged my offer.

I know that my friend has her pride...and that sometimes taking help hurts more than not taking it. But helping each other has always been part of the equation. We''ve always pulled through for the other one...if she didn''t have it--but I did, then I handled it and vice versa. But I''m worried about her...I know I can''t "throw money" at the situation and solve her problems, its not my place to do so...but I hate seeing her hurting and stressed and worried. But at the same time it''s very frusterating because she brings all this to me, and then when I try my best to come up with a solution, she doesn''t even acknowledge my efforts. I don''t know if "ungrateful" is the right word, but I am starting to feel like "why bother".

My friends'' ex has made comments in the past and again recently when they first split about my friend "talking badly" about me...and her being "jealous" of my DH, and our situation. These are comments my friends ex made to my to my friend L, and L relayed them to me in passing. I''ve been mildly bothered and hurt by these things...but couple the two issues, I''m starting to show signs of wear.

I don''t want to feel frusterated...but I feel like I''m doing freaking back bends to be a good friend and I''m either not saying the right thing, or not doing the right thing. She''s my best friend, and she''s the last person in the world I want conflict with obviously.

Am I missing something? Anyone have any suggestions?

 

[decodelighted]

My opinion: when you give advice, its best to give it without expectation that it will be taken or even appreciated. Hurting/depressed people are not functioning normally. They''re not their best selves. If you give advice or offer help -- do it in the same spirit you''d give a gift to a charity -- without strings, without expectations, without being overly invested in the outcome.

Admit to yourself at least that some of your upset & frustration may be a teensy bit selfish. You''re upset that her mood is putting a damper on your holiday plans. You wish she''d go shopping with you and watch x-mas movies and wrap presents but that isn''t where SHE is right now. And no amount of $ you can throw at the problem is going to change the underlying issues. Be generous. Be the bigger person right now. Overlook her "lack of gratitude" & unwillingness to be cajoled into doing what YOU think is best for her.

The hearsay behind-yr-back talk is a wholly sep. matter. Can you put a pin in that during the holidays that she''s so obviously having a hard time with -- especially since you don''t know the entire truth of the matter?

 

[Sabine]

It sounds to me like she might not be in the Christmas spirit for more reasons than just money troubles. As uplifting as the season can be, it can also be exhausting. It might be just what she needs to have a low key holiday this year.

I think it''s great that you are willing to be there for your friend, but I once heard it said that the difference between the way a man and a woman deal with problems is that a man will try to fix the problem, and a woman will just listen patiently and be a shoulder to cry on. Maybe your friend is in need of a different kind of support than you usually give? (please don''t think I''m saying you are like a man, that was just a saying about different kinds of support...)

 

[swingirl]

Sometimes people just need to vent and they don't want someone else's solution. Instead of trying to offer her a quick fix just listen and be sympathetic. Tell her you'll be there to help her if she needs anything but don't offer suggestions unless she asks. No one is grateful for getting something they don't want.

If she is going through a divorce, has kids and money is tight it probably wasn't the best suggestion for her to buy a lot of wrapping paper and come over to wrap what she can't afford to buy.

Sounds like you are a good friend and she is going through rough times. It will get better.

PS Who the heck decorates a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving??

 

[Bia]

She's going through an extremely rough time--her marriage is ending, that must be so hard. I think its wonderful that you're being such a great friend and so supportive, but that might not be enough for her right now. She might just need some down time. Depression takes hold of people differently. The holidays sometimes can only exacerbate those feelings of depression because the holidays essentially equal = family, friends and a very happy/fun times.

I think you should continue to be there for her (you're doing an amazing job on that front) but try not to place any expectations on her. At least not for awhile. ETA: Also, I do think its great that you try to include her in everything and anything that might make her feel happy again. You should continue to do that, whether she takes you up on those offers or not, at least she'll know that your support and love aren't going anywhere.

Good luck with everything

 

[decodelighted]

Hey ... is this by any chance the same friend who you tried to give a sofa to ... but then they wouldn''t come & pick it up in time? Maybe I''m mis-remembering ...

 

[fieryred33143]

I agree with listening, being sympathetic, and not placing too much expectations on her. I''m curious: the comments made by the ex...were these before the separation or after?

On a side note:

Date: 11/24/2008 3:30:29 PM
Author: swingirl

PS Who the heck decorates a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving??

My mom does! She likes to have the tree up so people can go ooo-aaaa while eating dinner. It''s one of her pleasures

LOL

 

[fleur-de-lis]

If your friend is having a hard time with money and feeling down on herself right now, even the best-intentioned offer might exacerbate her sadness. When that message comes in the form of a text, without benefit of a gentle touch that an in-person look in the eyes and softness of voice that subconsciously draws on comfort, I imagine that many already saddened people might feel sadder still as they process what the offer (no matter how generous and well-intentioned) really reflects as to the current status of their affairs. Especially as they sit alone with a phone in their hands and read the truth of their situation in black-and-white.

Postpone the conversation until you can have it in person.

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:30:29 PM
Author: swingirl
Sometimes people just need to vent and they don''t want someone else''s solution. Instead of trying to offer her a quick fix just listen and be sympathetic. Tell her you''ll be there to help her if she needs anything but don''t offer suggestions unless she asks. No one is grateful for getting something they don''t want.


If she is going through a divorce, has kids and money is tight it probably wasn''t the best suggestion for her to buy a lot of wrapping paper and come over to wrap what she can''t afford to buy.


Sounds like you are a good friend and she is going through rough times. It will get better.


PS Who the heck decorates a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving??

I actually put up my tree yesterday. I won''t have time to do it next weekend, and I wanted it up before my birthday, which is Dec 5. Plus, I just like christmas. My first Christmas on my own, I had the tree up before Halloween!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:54:00 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hey ... is this by any chance the same friend who you tried to give a sofa to ... but then they wouldn''t come & pick it up in time? Maybe I''m mis-remembering ...

Yes...same friend...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:10:09 PM
Author: decodelighted
My opinion: when you give advice, its best to give it without expectation that it will be taken or even appreciated. Hurting/depressed people are not functioning normally. They''re not their best selves. If you give advice or offer help -- do it in the same spirit you''d give a gift to a charity -- without strings, without expectations, without being overly invested in the outcome.

Admit to yourself at least that some of your upset & frustration may be a teensy bit selfish. You''re upset that her mood is putting a damper on your holiday plans. You wish she''d go shopping with you and watch x-mas movies and wrap presents but that isn''t where SHE is right now. And no amount of $ you can throw at the problem is going to change the underlying issues. Be generous. Be the bigger person right now. Overlook her ''lack of gratitude'' & unwillingness to be cajoled into doing what YOU think is best for her.

The hearsay behind-yr-back talk is a wholly sep. matter. Can you put a pin in that during the holidays that she''s so obviously having a hard time with -- especially since you don''t know the entire truth of the matter?

I''m actually not upset about her "putting a damper" on my holiday plans. We actually go out with several other people...so her not going would be unfortunate...but it wouldn''t be the end of the world, or stop anyone else from going. (She actually just called and changed her mind because she does want to go now).

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I think I pretty much agree COMPLETELY with deco''s post about how I think what you are feeling might be a little bit selfish *only* because of the fact that my parents are going through a divorce right now, and basically ANYTHING i suggest my mom doesn''t want to do. I don''t really know if she is thinking about anyone but herself and her daughter because of the fact this is a HUGE thing they are going through that is going to change their lives.

It is a really nice thing for you to suggest to do with her and make it easier on her, but sometimes people feel like having plans on top of what is going on in their lives is way more stressful because they won''t be into it at all.

I think it is a good idea that you could tell her I am here for you during your hard times, if you want someone to vent to or lean on, or watch your daughter if you need it that is great. But sometimes pushing things like Christmas plans might not be something that she really needs right now. I also think that she might not see your point at all, because of her state of mind. I agree she might not be looking for a solution, just someone to lean on and listen to her.

If she is your best friend, she will come to you for help when she needs it. If this is still a fresh divorce, than she might need a little more time. It just happens sometimes

You are doing the right thing... I think.. but everyone is different and she might just need some time and space.

 

[movie zombie]

cut her some slack for taking care of herself during this time. sometimes its just too much to be around people....even best friends when i''m hurting. just let her know you''re there. and do invite her to appropriate events as a courtesy. the holidays are stressful enough but with a divorce it could be just too much to be around happy people and trying to be happy when she''s not. perhaps an afternoon not involved with any thing having to do with christmas just being with her.

movie zombie

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/24/2008 9:23:59 PM
Author: movie zombie
cut her some slack for taking care of herself during this time. sometimes its just too much to be around people....even best friends when i''m hurting. just let her know you''re there. and do invite her to appropriate events as a courtesy. the holidays are stressful enough but with a divorce it could be just too much to be around happy people and trying to be happy when she''s not. perhaps an afternoon not involved with any thing having to do with christmas just being with her.


movie zombie

Well said. It also seems obvious to me that for whatever reason she''s having a hard time accepting your help right now, even if it''s something you guys usually do for each other, I would NOT offer her any more financial help, whether it''s cash, presents or couches. Seems like it is just making her feel bad even though you mean well.