I''m at my breaking point with my MOH (kind of long)

[Nov2109]

I know I have mentioned the issues with my MOH before, to sum it up she has not been the greatest friend to me over the last year... around the time I got engaged she started distancing herself from me, but I didn''t think anything of it and just chalked it up to her being busy with school, boyfriend, etc.

She has not helped with a single thing so far with the wedding. I stopped asking her to be involved in any decisions a few months ago, because she was always too busy and it started to get to me of always being turned down.(all she has going on currently is work and a boyfriend, nothing the rest of the world doesn''t?) I also never said hey can you come and do this today, it was hey can you give me a hand next month? Not a single day in one month did she have time to help me? That seems strange to me, especially when we used to hang out 3-4 days a week prior to my engagement.

My mom has taken over the planning of the bridal shower, which should be taking place sometime in March, I assume, because she has not done a single thing. My mom started to get worried because she had not heard anything from me(asking addresses etc) or her (location, cost etc) and wanted to make sure there would be something nice for me. She called the MOH and asked if she had started planning last week because she didn''t want to step on her toes and the MOH told her that she hasn''t started and didn''t really put much thought into it yet. My mom informed her that she would take care of it and the MOH didn''t even offer to help.

My birthday is in one week. She has not called to see if I want to get together, which is something we have done for the last 8 years. It just hit me that the only time I talk to her is if I pick up the phone, I do not hear from her whatsoever anymore, I have seen her 4 times in the last 8 months...and only when I asked to make plans. Christmas time/birthday time is a hard time of the year for me, and she knows this. I don''t like a big bash but just to have dinner with my FI and my best friends...

I don''t want to ask her to step down or ask her to leave the bridal party because at this point we are 5.5 months out from the wedding and I really just want to avoid the drama and see what happens after the wedding. However, its gotten to the point where I''m not even sure if the MOH in my wedding is even going to wish me a happy birthday...should that be my breaking point? Its getting to the point where I feel like I am going to have a stranger standing there next to me on my wedding day.

It''s just a really terrible feeling to feel as if your so called best friend doesn''t care about your feelings at all.

Any suggestions on how I should handle this? She doesn''t take criticism well, no matter how nicely you word it, which is why I haven''t said anything yet. I was just hoping she was "busy" but she''s clearly not too busy to hang out with her boyfriend, his friends and their significant others, and her other friends.

I''ve been a bridesmaid before and know that sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you don''t want to for your friend, and because its part of being a bridesmaid. I''m starting to wonder if she even understands that being asked to be the MOH is kind of a big deal or she should have just said she didn''t want the responsibility that comes along with it. I had a really tough time choosing between her and my childhood best friend and I''m beginning to wish I made a different choice.

Thanks in advance, just reading what I wrote makes me really upset that I even am going through this with a friend, especially my "best" friend.

 

[monarch64]

Dump her and make the childhood best friend your MOH. Your current MOH doesn''t get it, and by making herself completely unavailable she''s sending you the message that she really just can''t be bothered with you or your wedding. Time to use your boot.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

ditto

 

[Rock_of_Love]

It sounds to me like there may be more to this. I can maybe understand being lazy or reluctant to fulfill your duties as MOH, but disappearing from the friendship all together just seems strange. I haven''t read up on the history between you two, but it just seems weird from the person who is supposed to be your MOH! That is a big deal and a huge honor!!

Have you approached her about this as a friend? Maybe saying that it seems like something has come between you two, and that this is a special time for you and you really want her to be a part of it since you guys are *supposedly* such good friends?? Maybe there is something bigger going on in her life that you don''t know about?? Is she possibly jealous of your engagement and impending marriage? I have seen this sometimes come between friends before if the other friend is not in a good place in her own relationship.

Either way, I''m not sure I''d be comfortable with someone like this standing up and supporting me as my MOH for such an important occasion.

 

[Christiana]

First of all, I''m really sad to hear this. I can imagine what you''re going through and I''m sure you realize nobody deserves that.

As Monarch64 said above, the message was pretty clear. The sooner you let her know she''s no longer involved the better. Now, how do you say this, huh? Easy...Make it sound like it was your fault from the beginning, that you now realized you shouldn''t have assigned her all these duties and responsibility, since she''s been so busy with her work (and boyfriend

)... Good luck!

Hugs

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 12/16/2009 5:05:43 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
It sounds to me like there may be more to this. I can maybe understand being lazy or reluctant to fulfill your duties as MOH, but disappearing from the friendship all together just seems strange. I haven''t read up on the history between you two, but it just seems weird from the person who is supposed to be your MOH! That is a big deal and a huge honor!!

Have you approached her about this as a friend? Maybe saying that it seems like something has come between you two, and that this is a special time for you and you really want her to be a part of it since you guys are *supposedly* such good friends?? Maybe there is something bigger going on in her life that you don''t know about?? Is she possibly jealous of your engagement and impending marriage? I have seen this sometimes come between friends before if the other friend is not in a good place in her own relationship.

Either way, I''m not sure I''d be comfortable with someone like this standing up and supporting me as my MOH for such an important occasion.

i''m with rock here.

 

[tlh]

i agree with the other ladies taht this is strange behaviour. Sometimes the way people act has nothing to do w/ you. My bff totally withdrew from my wedding stuff because of jealousy. Then her bf asked her father for her hand during my wedding reception.

Truth was she wanted what I HAD sooo badly. Maybe she is withdrawing because she is upset that her SO hasn''t proposed yet - and all the planning and whatnot- is really making her feel bad about HER situation, instead of being happy about yours.

My friend and I got over our little hiccup, because I had to be the bigger person, and just not care. But the truth is, I have a hard time ''forgetting'' once the seed has been planted. I just try not to give the seed water or sunlight and make it grow into something bigger than what it was.

HUGS to you. This is a really crummy situation. I''m sorry she isn''t happier for you and being more involved.

 

[sunnyd]

I agree with Rock and tlh that it could be stemming from jealousy. It''s a crummy thing to have happen to you.

Has she been a BM before? Maybe she doesn''t realize that she''s "supposed to" help with things (though I don''t think a BP member should have to do anything). Does a shower really take 3 months to plan? I wouldn''t have thought that, so that could be the reason for her not taking initiative. Maybe there''s something else going on in her life; you said you haven''t spoken much recently.

If you want to kick her out, that''s your deal. I''d bet money that your friendship wouldn''t recover. Maybe you could promote your other best friend to MOH and have two. She could take over things that your current MOH isn''t doing. Just an idea. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 12/16/2009 4:17:23 PM
Author: monarch64
Dump her and make the childhood best friend your MOH. Your current MOH doesn''t get it, and by making herself completely unavailable she''s sending you the message that she really just can''t be bothered with you or your wedding. Time to use your boot.

Couldn''t have said it better myself! I would maybe give her till after your birthday to see how she responds to your birthday. Her actions then, coupled with everything else she is (not) doing, would definitely show her true colors.

 

[Haven]

Have you called her up and said something like "I feel so distant from you lately, let''s make a point to get together and reconnect"? If not, I''d start with that and go from there.

 

[elrohwen]

Personally, I think most brides expect far too much out of their MOHs. Really, all the MOH needs to do is show up on the big day wearing the dress and stand up there with you.

*However*, it seems that she has also totally checked out of the friendship, and this, I think, is really the issue. Even if she was doing zero for your wedding but was still being a friend, I wouldn''t see anything too bad about it, but since she''s not even being your friend, I''m with the others that you''re within your rights to ask her to step down. By doing that you risk losing her as a friend, so ask yourself if that is something you would be ok with at this point before you do it.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 12/17/2009 12:31:01 AM
Author: Haven
Have you called her up and said something like ''I feel so distant from you lately, let''s make a point to get together and reconnect''? If not, I''d start with that and go from there.

Ditto.

 

[Ara Ann]

I was in the same position, my childhood BF (since we were THREE years old) was supposed to be my MOH, but totally dropped out of my life...she didn''t even come to my bridal shower because she had to work (at a mall ice cream store) and ''forgot'' to get the time off. So I made the decision to replace her. My older sister became my MOH and I am SO happy I changed my mind...

A wedding is one day, but pictures are FOREVER. In 20 years, do you want to see pics of your MOH that you haven''t spoken to in 19 of those years?

I vote to replace her too. Good luck.

 

[doodle]

Prior to my wedding, I was in the camp of not ever kicking a member of your bridal party out because if they meant enough to you for you to ask them to be in it in the first place, chances were pretty good that whatever drama was going on could be resolved without taking such a drastic, and potentially friendship-ending, step. Then I wound up having my best friend since I was eight years old royally show her butt throughout my wedding planning, wedding, and after. Yes, she and her bf have problems, so perhaps there were some jealousy issues going on, but as my best friend, I felt like it wasn''t asking much at all for her to just be happy that her friend was happy, especially since I never asked anything else of her other than to show up in a dress on the day of and to attend one bridal shower (which she didn''t, btw). In hindsight, I wish that I had cut her when the problems arose because we''re no longer friends at all, and it makes me bitter now to look at my wedding pictures and see her standing next to me acting like everything was fine when she was off badmouthing me in between takes and never once bothered to apologize. It makes me even angrier to know how many of my close friends would have cherished the honor that she didn''t care about at all.

I say, call her up, talk to her, and give her the benefit of doubt, but if she doesn''t start being a friend, buh-bye. Your wedding day is the one day where you shouldn''t have to worry about or regret having a friend who can''t let you be happy.

 

[marlie]

ditto to what Haven said. (i still haven''t figured out how to quote somebody on this thing!)

i think if you reach out to her in a manner where it''s more about your friendship then her role as MOH, you''ll find out what the issue really is.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 12/17/2009 1:40:28 PM
Author: marlie
ditto to what Haven said. (i still haven't figured out how to quote somebody on this thing!)

i think if you reach out to her in a manner where it's more about your friendship then her role as MOH, you'll find out what the issue really is.

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[bee*]

Date: 12/17/2009 9:43:02 AM
Author: elrohwen
Personally, I think most brides expect far too much out of their MOHs. Really, all the MOH needs to do is show up on the big day wearing the dress and stand up there with you.


*However*, it seems that she has also totally checked out of the friendship, and this, I think, is really the issue. Even if she was doing zero for your wedding but was still being a friend, I wouldn''t see anything too bad about it, but since she''s not even being your friend, I''m with the others that you''re within your rights to ask her to step down. By doing that you risk losing her as a friend, so ask yourself if that is something you would be ok with at this point before you do it.

That''s how I feel too. Over here, the MOH literally just stands up with you on the day and help plan the hen night. It does sound like she''s being very distant though so if she was a good friend before all of this, I would definitely ask her what''s up.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 12/17/2009 9:43:02 AM
Author: elrohwen
Personally, I think most brides expect far too much out of their MOHs. Really, all the MOH needs to do is show up on the big day wearing the dress and stand up there with you.

I agree with this.

Nov2109, I'm sorry your friend has become distant. I do think that you should take a step back and think about what you might have done to make her want to withdraw from you. I'm not saying what she's doing is right at all but realizing your responsibility in the breakdown of the relationship may help you to heal it.

You mentioned that you've asked her to do several things to help with the wedding. Have you called to offer your assistance in her life at all or is it always you asking for help?

I must admit that if I were your MOH, I would not be thinking about planning your shower 4 months in advance right as I'm in the middle of getting ready for the holidays. Maybe she was waiting until January - would that have been horrible to wait 3 months in advance to plan the shower?

The title of this thread says a lot to me. You could have written "with my BFF" but instead you wrote "with my MOH." Maybe she feels like for the past few months you've only seen your relationship as bride to MOH rather than a genuine friendship that has give and take.

I hope you two can work things out. I hate when friendships end over silly things.

 

[Nov2109]

Thanks everyone for your advice and input, it really is appreciated.

I haven''t exactly come to a conclusion as to how I am going to handle the situation because i dont want to end a friendship over a wedding, while it is "the most important day of my life" it is just one day. I am going to try and approach it with something simple along the lines of is everything ok? we hardly talk anymore. whats new etc. just dont want her to think I am attacking her, shes very sensitive and does not handle confrontation well.

There has always been a twinge of jealousy on her end, but it was never anything that even got to me. I cared about my grades in college, I was a straight A student, and she was not, and it used to get her mad....she makes comments about how "skinny" i am. Which I am not. But these are things I work at, I worked hard in college to get the grades I got and I try hard to stay healthy and stay in shape.

Rock, If something bigger is going on she hasn''t said anything to me. I email her and ask her how things are going, whats new etc. Its usually short and not much, just the usual, work blah blah blah.

Haven, I have asked her several times to get together, grab dinner, a drink etc, she always said "she has to see what is going on" which means to me let me see if something better comes up?

Sunny, she has been a bridesmaid before, and at the same time, if you have ever read a magazine, watched tv or a movie or read anything girly, you would have some sort of an idea of what a bridesmaid does or atleast I would think so

Elrohwen, I agree that most girls do expect a ton from their MOHs, I have only asked her to do two things wedding related, that i thought she would enjoy, because she expressed to me she was interested in them, but when the time came her response was i have alot going on, whats the big deal your wedding is 9 months away. Gee thanks. I''ll plan my wedding on your time.

Lucy, the reason i titled it the way i did, because well, its a wedding forum. I referenced her as my best friend several times. I have thought to myself what could I have done to make this happen, and honestly nothing came to mind. I know I''m not perfect, but I have tried several times to do things with her wedding and non-wedding related and usually come up empty handed.

Once I figure this out, I''ll give everyone an update.

Thanks again!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:13:15 PM
Author: Nov2109

Sunny, she has been a bridesmaid before, and at the same time, if you have ever read a magazine, watched tv or a movie or read anything girly, you would have some sort of an idea of what a bridesmaid does or atleast I would think so

Not true, really. I had no idea what they did until I started planning my own wedding.

I would just stop talking to her about the wedding. Seems like she''s made it clear that she''s not interested in the details. Your wedding is not going to be as important to anyone as it is to you. That goes for parents and MOHs also. Your idea to talk to her about why she''s pulling away is a good one, hopefully you can resolve your issues!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 12/18/2009 11:17:48 AM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 12/17/2009 10:13:15 PM
Author: Nov2109

Sunny, she has been a bridesmaid before, and at the same time, if you have ever read a magazine, watched tv or a movie or read anything girly, you would have some sort of an idea of what a bridesmaid does or atleast I would think so

Not true, really. I had no idea what they did until I started planning my own wedding.

I would just stop talking to her about the wedding. Seems like she''s made it clear that she''s not interested in the details. Your wedding is not going to be as important to anyone as it is to you. That goes for parents and MOHs also. Your idea to talk to her about why she''s pulling away is a good one, hopefully you can resolve your issues!

Ditto to this! I was a bridesmaid several times in my younger years and I had absolutely no idea that their was actually a purpose behind it...and tasks that one usually helps out with. If I was MOH, I honestly would of thought "oh, how sweet, she must really love me and think I''m special" - but I would not have known their were tasks associated with it. I didn''t realize this until just recently when I''ve been a part of two of my BFF''s weddings and now that I''m planning my own wedding.

I hope you guys can work this out for your friendship''s sake!! At least with my friends, it is always good to have a heart-to-heart...sometimes you may just have to bang down the door if she is such an important friend to you.