I can''t take two of my BMs anymore.

[Nov2109]

I can''t respond to every post, because I feel as if I''ll be repeating myself over and over again, so I''ll try and touch on each separate topic...

I''ll start off by saying FI and I have been engaged for over a year and a half. When I said they had known about this for two years, is over a two year period as booking make up artists, hair stylists etc these topics came up...so none of this came as a surprise and I asked each girl individually if she was ok with certain costs as I didnt want to put anyone out bc I wouldnt be able to cover all of it.

trillionaire...i appreciate your post. It seems as if you actually read what I wrote and made a thoughtful yet critical response. That is very much appreciated...I''m not looking for someone to tell me I''m right for feeling the way I am, because no two people are alike. I really hope she doesnt show up with purple eye shadow, because it will surely stick out.

HollyS...I asked the girls to get together to look at BM dresses in the beginning and they were all too busy to do that, so I just picked them and hoped for the best. I realized then that if they didnt care about the dresses they were going to wear, they certainly wouldnt want to help me do something someone would consider not fun. This is the reason I have asked them to do nothing other than getting measured!

Beebrisk...I can only hope they will all show up on time. People always say weddings bring out the worst in people and I have found a side of the girls I never thought I would.

yssie...in our area $65 is cheap...some areas are more, some areas are less...I wish it was less, or I could afford to pay for all of this, but I can''t, we''re paying for most of this wedding ourselves.

monarch...there is nothing going on deep down. I am a happy person. This is a wedding forum, where you come to talk about weddings, good, bad, and the ugly, because everyone on here is going through something similar somewhere. I dont think I am the only person who has had second thoughts about their dress. I didnt want to go to my mother and hurt her feelings and stress her out, so I asked people here for advice. Everything has worked out with the dress, as I posted as a follow up. As far as issues with my mother, who on here hasnt had issues with their parents? I would have married FI the night he proposed, he is a wonderful person and I consider myself very lucky for having someone like him in my life. I also make posts on happy things, mailing out my invites, the gifts I bought my BMs etc...and try and be as helpful as I can with others if I have something nice to say or contribute how I would handle it. Should I be happy when I''m upset? I''m not one to jump to conclusions either...

Maevie...thanks

blueberry...thank you for not beating me down

Its nice to know that you went through something similar with your sister. I know having issues with your BMs is normal. I guess getting random phone calls, while I am at work to make me feel like crap about everything by my friends just stinks. I try to be as accommodating as I can and its never good enough. I have never had a crafts night, nothing. I honestly have not asked these girls to do a single thing.

I can honestly say after this post, where there are probably a million girls out there who feel the way I do, that their friends are letting them down, backing out on what they agreed to do, making things complicated that shouldnt be, and causing a financial burden on the other BMs and my mother who are now paying for two extra parts because these girls dont want to help anymore and so many other things that have gone on that I havent posted about, I will never make a post if I am worried, angry, concerned, upset or having second thoughts about anything...

 

[cara]

Nov, you sound way stressed out. I'm so sorry. Maybe you are a happy person but that doesn't mean you aren't also stressed underneath, right? I know this might not be the easiest advice to implement, but some of these things either aren't worth getting stressed out about or, even if they are, are so far out of your control that you really should try to let them go anyway.

Purple eyeshadow worries? Really. You are going to have to roll with it. Now if you *knew* someone who sometimes went goth or did drastic things like randomly shave their head on special occasions and you preferred that they didn't do that for your wedding, you could make a request: please go conservative for my wedding. But at some level you have to let them be. They are adults. You have already specified their dress and shoes.

Paying for hair/makeup. I'm sorry, you can *ask* but I don't think its fair to expect them to pay for this. If you can't afford it why should they make room in their budget for ANOTHER expense for your wedding? Yes bridesmaids generally have to buy their own dresses and that is a known expense. But *you* either need to find room in your budget if you want this covered or allow them to bow out if they'd rather not pay for another fee for your wedding. Doesn't matter much what their financial situation is - makeup and hair are optional expenses but everyone needs to show up wearing clothes.

A bridesmaid dress fitting two weeks out is FINE. Unless you think she lied about her measurements or was planning some unrealistic weight loss or something, it should be plenty of time for the tailor to make it work.

As for not paying for or attending your bachelorette and shower, I think you are allowed to feel a little hurt that they aren't prioritizing those things, but their excuses are not horrible: one will be working and one will be on an extended vacation across the country! And I think its a little much to be miffed at them not paying for your parties that they are not attending (unless they had a role in organizing and thus kind of 'signed on' to be funding one of them). For goodness's sake, your MOTHER wanted you to have a shower so its a bit much for you to expect your bridesmaids to fund it! Bridesmaids usually get a choice in what they decide to do or not do for the bride. Yes its a little irresponsible for the one bridesmaid to agree to organize your bachelorette and then go on vacation and put the work on the others, but really flakey people happen. And this isn't even that flakey - *I* would definitely choose an extended vacation over sticking around to organize/attend my dearest friend's bachelorette party. I have even missed weddings of dear friends for vacations (though generally I knew about those in advance.) Everybody has to deal and work around it, its part of life. You as the bride should TRY TRY TRY to just let it go and let the other bridesmaids be miffed if they are short of $$ or put upon by difficult co-bridesmaids instead of taking this stress on you. If you knew this BM#2 person was a little flakey then this is par for the course. If she is normally super-organized then maybe this is out of character but if you LIKE her and think she has good qualities as a person and friend (just ones that are not coming out in her current bridesmaid duties) then maybe you should cut her some slack.

Honestly the one legitimate concern you have is the timing issue and wanting to get ready with your girls in the am. I think the breakfast and getting ready together is a *great* idea to allay your worries on that front, but if your trouble bridesmaids want to go off and get their hair done elsewhere, you are just going to have to LET IT GO. You will have plenty of support there from the other girls, plus your stylist people woln't be as stressed out trying to assembly-line through you all. And at this point with your frustration level would these girls *actually* be a boon to you on the day of? You can of course ask them to get there early for getting ready pictures or girly-time or what have you, but if they are late LET IT GO. Trust me, they are optional for the wedding. Your party will figure out how to have two groomsmen escort one bridesmaid back down the aisle if its needed. These ladies ARE in fact optional, and it will do wonders for your mental health if you start treating them as such. Firing them is too much drama and a possible friendship-killer, just _lower_ your expectations.

Last, try to find some way to enjoy and look forward to the wedding. I was kind of a stress basket in the last few months before the wedding and what a waste it was. Luckily I managed to come out of my funk in time to enjoy the wedding and the week before and all the hoopla, whirlwind that it was. But among my friends, some have been so stressed out and unhappy during the wedding planning, especially in the crunch time right before, that I just want to shake them and be like, ENJOY THIS! STOP STRESSING! IT DOESN'T HELP (and even makes things worse sometimes.) Obviously easier said than done, but really try to figure out a way to enjoy the next bit of time and let go of some of these smaller things, and even some of the bigger things that are out of your hands.

 

[monarch64]

"monarch...there is nothing going on deep down. I am a happy person. This is a wedding forum, where you come to talk about weddings, good, bad, and the ugly, because everyone on here is going through something similar somewhere. I dont think I am the only person who has had second thoughts about their dress. I didnt want to go to my mother and hurt her feelings and stress her out, so I asked people here for advice. Everything has worked out with the dress, as I posted as a follow up. As far as issues with my mother, who on here hasnt had issues with their parents? I would have married FI the night he proposed, he is a wonderful person and I consider myself very lucky for having someone like him in my life. I also make posts on happy things, mailing out my invites, the gifts I bought my BMs etc...and try and be as helpful as I can with others if I have something nice to say or contribute how I would handle it. Should I be happy when I''m upset? I''m not one to jump to conclusions either..."

Nov: I completely expected this response. Of course you are a happy person. Of course people come to LIW/BWW to vent about things that go wrong with their wedding plans. I get that. Of course you aren''t the only person who''s had 2nd thoughts about her dress. And of course you''re coming back to defend everything you''ve ever complained about here on PS. OK.

You''re right. Isn''t that what you''ve wanted to hear all along? There you go.

 

[trillionaire]

I feel for you and your frustration, I really do. I hope you feel more at peace with your wedding and wedding attendants soon.


"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

 

[choro72]

Just because you don''t ask people for help in planning doesn''t mean that you''re not a bridezilla. Your tone of "they are not living up to my expectations!!" for issues that are trivial (<- I don''t think I''m the only one that thinks this) comes off as "bridezillish". I''ve reread your original post and your responses, but I still don''t see what horrible crimes your BMs have committed.

 

[panda08]

I''m sorry to hear about how things are going for you. It is okay for you to come here to vent and you should feel free to do so; that''s what a forum about wedding planning is partially for. I understand your disappointment but it''s best not to allow all of the stress of planning a wedding get to you. Your BMs could be more considerate but you can also let things roll off your back. You''ve said that you just want to marry your FI. Focus on that thought and try to stop fixating on the details. Yes, the little things are important to you but are they important enough to generate all this negative energy shortly before your wedding? Few weddings are perfect, despite the best laid plans. Take a deep breath, it''s okay, you''re in the home stretch.

 

[HollyS]

"I think my sister had 3 crafting sessions, and I showed up for only one (putting together the invites). " - blueberrydot


I just have a thought, and I''m not addressing anyone in particular, just brides in general:

Yes, it is too much to ask that your wedding party participate in endless rounds of Help The Bride. If you choose a bunch of DIY projects for your wedding, then by all means, DIY.

No, your party does not have to create your invites, plan and execute the programs, put together the favors, or make their own bouquets. They don''t. They may IF they want to. Just don''t expect them to do so.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 3/17/2010 4:23:39 AM
Author: DVS1
Nov, I''m really sorry you''re so stressed so close to your wedding (by the way, I''m still waiting for a pic of your wedding dress

). It should really be one of the happiest times of your life and these little annoyances aren''t helping. I''m also sorry you feel that you''re not welcome to express your concerns on PS. That''s very unfortunate. I have noticed, though, it''s very easy for emotions to run high on PS sometimes (which is sad as I used to think that PS was one of the most supportive ''communities'' I''d ever encountered).

As for most people''s comments about how the only responsibility BM''s have is to show up on time in the dress they''re supposed to wear, I''m a bit confused. I come from a culture that doesn''t really do the whole BM thing, and the bride is just supposed to take care of everything herself with just a little help from MOB and MOH (who only has a role in the ceremony but that''s about it). However, my sister-in-law does come from a culture that does the BM thing and I remember reading this ''how to plan a wedding'' book that she had, and one of the things that stuck out was bridal party selection. Accourding to this wedding planner/etiquette book, she was supposed to pick BMs and MOH that were really close to her and very responsible because their role is to relieve the bride of some of the responsibilities of planning the wedding. In other words, the bride is supposed to delegate when it comes to planning her wedding. This leads me to think that it''s understandable that Nov would be upset that they''re not really ''living up to expectation''. Perhaps her mistake was to have chosen BM''s that aren''t very responsible, but it doesn''t seem that unjustified for her to worry about it. Am I getting this wrong?

Sorry, but that''s ridiculous. Even as a bride, I believe NO ONE HAS TO DO ANYTHING. And everyone doesn''t have a bridal etiquette book readily available to know what they''re "supposed to do." In addition, how the heck do you know what someone will be like 6 months from the day you ask them to be a BM?

I totally understand Nov''s feelings and do believe she has the right to feel the way she does. But she vented, got input and now has to find a way to work through her feelings and move past them. Furthermore, when you post in a forum you open up yourself to others and their variety of opinions and that means that everything is not always going to be what WE all want to hear.

 

[shertz1981]

I can see both sides of this - Nov''s side and the side of the bridesmaids. I also think that I use this message board to vent about things I wouldn''t mention in real life, such as my frustration with the ketubah.

I don''t really have any words of advice, Nov - but everything will be beautiful. And you picked your BMs because you love them, right? So let them have the hair and m/u that makes them happy.

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/17/2010 12:57:45 PM
Author: caribqueen

Date: 3/17/2010 4:23:39 AM
Author: DVS1
Nov, I''m really sorry you''re so stressed so close to your wedding (by the way, I''m still waiting for a pic of your wedding dress

). It should really be one of the happiest times of your life and these little annoyances aren''t helping. I''m also sorry you feel that you''re not welcome to express your concerns on PS. That''s very unfortunate. I have noticed, though, it''s very easy for emotions to run high on PS sometimes (which is sad as I used to think that PS was one of the most supportive ''communities'' I''d ever encountered).

As for most people''s comments about how the only responsibility BM''s have is to show up on time in the dress they''re supposed to wear, I''m a bit confused. I come from a culture that doesn''t really do the whole BM thing, and the bride is just supposed to take care of everything herself with just a little help from MOB and MOH (who only has a role in the ceremony but that''s about it). However, my sister-in-law does come from a culture that does the BM thing and I remember reading this ''how to plan a wedding'' book that she had, and one of the things that stuck out was bridal party selection. Accourding to this wedding planner/etiquette book, she was supposed to pick BMs and MOH that were really close to her and very responsible because their role is to relieve the bride of some of the responsibilities of planning the wedding. In other words, the bride is supposed to delegate when it comes to planning her wedding. This leads me to think that it''s understandable that Nov would be upset that they''re not really ''living up to expectation''. Perhaps her mistake was to have chosen BM''s that aren''t very responsible, but it doesn''t seem that unjustified for her to worry about it. Am I getting this wrong?

Sorry, but that''s ridiculous. Even as a bride, I believe NO ONE HAS TO DO ANYTHING. And everyone doesn''t have a bridal etiquette book readily available to know what they''re ''supposed to do.'' In addition, how the heck do you know what someone will be like 6 months from the day you ask them to be a BM?

I totally understand Nov''s feelings and do believe she has the right to feel the way she does. But she vented, got input and now has to find a way to work through her feelings and move past them. Furthermore, when you post in a forum you open up yourself to others and their variety of opinions and that means that everything is not always going to be what WE all want to hear.

There are a lot of poorly written and misinformed etiquette books out there. This sounds like one of them.

Nov--I''m sorry you took a beating. I know you came here to vent, but one of the great things about PS is that typically we treat each other as we would our friends IRL, and friends don''t enable friends when they''re being unreasonable. The things you''re taking issue with here are, in many people''s eyes, unreasonable. I think we''re being kind to tell you the *truth* about this rather than say "Oh, poor Nov, you should ditch those awful friends!" and thus enable the breakdown of your friendships.

Perhaps you''d be best served by taking everyone''s responses to your post and reflecting if they have one tiny bit of truth to them. Perhaps you aren''t being a bridezilla, but your response to the initial posts you received tells me that maybe you are just a bit clouded by your bride-to-be perspective at the moment, and maybe you aren''t seeing things as reasonably as you normally would see them.

That being said, I stand by my original assertion that you really aren''t entitled to expect your bridal party to do anything other than buy a particular dress and show up to be there at the start of the ceremony. You *should* have bought them their shoes if you are dictating which shoes they wear, so good for you for doing that. But just know that it isn''t an act of kindness to buy shoes for people if you''re forcing them to wear them, and they don''t have to pay you back for that by having the person of your choice style their hair.

The bottom line is this: Do you want to remain friends with these people? If so, do consider everyone''s responses here. I''ve seen an unreasonable bride lose friends on more than one occasion.

 

[blueberrydot]

Date: 3/17/2010 12:36:44 PM
Author: HollyS
'I think my sister had 3 crafting sessions, and I showed up for only one (putting together the invites). ' - blueberrydot



I just have a thought, and I'm not addressing anyone in particular, just brides in general:


Yes, it is too much to ask that your wedding party participate in endless rounds of Help The Bride. If you choose a bunch of DIY projects for your wedding, then by all means, DIY.


No, your party does not have to create your invites, plan and execute the programs, put together the favors, or make their own bouquets. They don't. They may IF they want to. Just don't expect them to do so.

Hi! I know you weren't trying to single me out or anything, but I probably should have made it clear that my sister's crafting sessions were not as "formal" as I may have made them sound. They were just the nights that I knew that SHE was going to be doing DIY stuff, and that we could join in if we wanted to/had nothing better to do. She neither asked nor expected us to all show up with craft kits in hand. Even if I (and the other BMs) had shown up to none of them, and for no real reason, she wouldn't have been miffed. I didn't feel guilty at the time because I knew my sister never expected the BMs to be there. I was only trying to say that now, when I'm thinking about all the DIY stuff I want to do for my own wedding, that it would be really awesome if my BMs and MOH would want to help me out with that stuff (although I'm def not counting on it), and if I could do it over I would have made more of an effort to help my sis out with the DIY stuff (particularly since I skipped out on other traditional MOH duties like planning the bachelorette party and a lot of the bridal shower planning as well). I know in my post I wasn't that clear and it probably seemed as if my sister had sent out a some sort of detailed itinerary with all her wedding related events and we were all expected to be there and feverishly work like mules late into the night, but it definitely wasn't like that - if it was, I would have thought she had gone nuts!

I agree that if a bride forces her BMs to attend multiple crafting events, or do anything other than what is traditionally expected from a bridal party (and this could vary across cultures, etc) it is too much to ask for, and I will definitely not be doing anything of the sort. However, if my BMs express interest in helping me with my DIY projects, I won't say no!

I also know that my sister will absolutely throw herself into all my DIY projects, which makes me feel worse about not having helped her out more.


ETA: To keep this post on topic, I would like to ask Nov about something that she wrote in her original post - you said that you felt like your 2 BMs are trying to make things difficult "on purpose" - is there any particular reason you feel this way? It's one thing to feel like they are being inconsiderate or thoughtless, but your comment about them doing it "on purpose" was something that I had not really paid attention to until now. Are you trying to say that all these things they've been doing - not getting fitted for a dress, flying across the country for a vacation a few weeks before your wedding, getting their hair and makeup done by their own people - that all these things are being done with the intention of being difficult, to make things harder for you? Why would they do that?

 

[idreamofcushions]

Here''s my point of view...

You do not sound like a bridezilla at all. You sound like a reasonable, level-headed girl planning the most important day in your life... and I think every girl in your situation gets frustrated from time to time. I read your OP as a little vent, which I think is what you intended, no? Everyone gets emotional and frustrated during the planning process. Should we all keep our emotions in check? Sure. But everyone feels hurt occasionally and needs to vent... I can understand that.

I just want to say that I think you are entitled to feel the way you feel, it''s only how you react to those emotions that matter. Many of these comments were harsh IMO, but there was also some good advice.

Just try to keep yourself from getting too wrapped up in what others are doing. Worrying about something that is outside of your control will only make you unhappy in the end.

Happy planning! 2.5 months will fly by!

 

[Nov2109]

cara...I am a bit stressed out, but nothing I can''t handle, its part of life, I''d much rather be busy than just sitting around waiting for something to happen!

I offered to pay for their makeup, I also purchased their shoes, they each bought different styles, I just thought it would be something nice to do for all of them. I also said make sure you pick out something you can wear again, who wants a pair of dyed shoes that don''t match anything other than the BM dress. They each picked out a cute gold colored strappy heel.

The BM who is getting her dress fitting two weeks before the wedding has never tried on the sample, didn''t have her measurements taken in the shop, she had them done somewhere else? She also told me she thinks shes gained some weight since she was measured...I asked her if she would go and have a fitting now, that way if the dress is too tight, they might be able to let it out, or she might be able to loose a little weight by then to have it fit comfortably...but she said she has to pack. lol i give up, she doesn''t leave for 2 weeks.

I don''t expect anyone to buy me anything, I''m more hurt that they would back out of something they agreed to help with, planning wise and financially. They have been very rude to my mom (who they have known for 20 years and is like a second mother to them). I shouldnt even know about this, but the MOH told me what was going on because she didn''t know what to do anymore.

Monarch, I really have nothing to say other than constructive criticism is always welcome, but rude comments are not.

choro...im not expecting anything of them other than common courtesy and respect. All I have asked of these girls is to show up, in a dress that fits...and have their hair done nicely. I''m paying for their makeup if they would like it done.

Someone said on here I wanted matching hairstyles. Which is also incorrect. I told them they can have their hair done however they want it, i would just prefer it to be done.

Panda...things aren''t that bad. Everything else wedding wise is going really well. I''ve just had it with their selfishness and how rude they are being to my family and friends. I''m looking forward to marrying my FI and going on our honeymoon to relax and have a good time!

DVS...I have my second fitting this weekend, I''ll get pics of me in the dress! It was huge the last time I tried it on, but it should fit much better this time. Its alfred angelo 1708 in all ivory if you''d like to take a look at the stock image. Every culture is different, every family is different regarding etiquette...you can only use those books as a guide, to help you along as you go...but I agree with others, sometimes etiquette is very dated and can sometimes come across the wrong way. You just have to be careful what the source is!

HollyS...I agree that the bridal party shouldnt have to be involved in every aspect of the wedding, its not their wedding. However, if you offer your help, etc, you should follow through with it, unless there is a good reason. I believe in keeping your word, or you can''t be trusted.

Caribqueen..Hi date twin! I don''t yell at my friends or vent to one about the other, thats just not right. I dont want to involve anyone else in the way I am feeling about them because I dont want them to think differently of them. People here have an understanding about what I may be feeling. There was no way I was thinking everyone here would tell me I was right for thinking the way I was, but I think people need to step back for a second and think, maybe they could word things nicer. I''m already over it. I was just very upset after having several phone calls with several BMs all telling me different stories and saying this one wont do this and this one wont do that. All about things that are supposed to be fun! PS..80 Days!

shertz...everyone is entitled to feel however they want. If I had told off my BMs, let me have it. I was venting. If you had flipped out about your ketubah, then you should be told you are being ridiculous. But, a vent, or being upset is something that should be allowed

Haven...I don''t mind taking beatings, if they are done tastefully, some have done that better than others. I''m not one to throw friendships away, I''ve been friends with one for 20 years and the other for 15, clearly, I value their friendships.

I have taken everyones responses, and the best advice Ive gotten is to just let it roll off my shoulders...even though its hard, I just dont really care anymore. If they dont want to be involved dont be involed, you may look back and wish you were one day, but thats their problem. I don''t like to let anyone see me upset and I try to keep myself collected, but sometimes you just have to let it out. Also, about the shoes, I took each one to macys and let them pick out whatever heel they wanted, it just couldnt be black! I wanted them to be able to re-wear them, no sense wasting a good shoe!

blueberry...the reason I feel like they are doing this on purpose is because they have been very argumentative and disrespectful to me, my mom and FSILs lately. MOH isnt a big fan of them to start...they are from different groups of friends, so they never have had to interact that much until now. None of these topics were an issue two weeks ago, but all of a sudden they are. I got another request today from the bartender to see if the rehearsal could be earlier so her boyfriend(who is not in the wedding!!) doesnt have to miss dinner. This one just made me laugh, the response was a simple, no!

idreamofcushions...thanks. I try very hard to not be a bridezilla. I''ve seen it, girls at work, family members who have gotten married and I usually just shake my head. They worry and fight over very stupid things. I''m just trying to keep things organized and get a feel for where people will actually be on the day of the wedding. There is a time schedule, breakfast, hair, makeup, photographer, limo etc.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and input, I do appreciate it, even if its harsh.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Nov, sorry to break it to you, but what Monnie said wasn''t rude, it was realistic. Perhaps it came across that way because you didn''t agree with it and wanted to read more into it, but it wasn''t rude at all. IMO, if you can''t stand these girls then you need to cut them loose. I''m sure they''re not enjoying the experience (or you for that matter) much at all right now.

 

[trillionaire]

This is not directed to Nov specifically, but to the thread readers generally...

I''m reading Miss Manner''s book on wedding etiquette. (if you put stock in that kind of thing). Etiquette is much less about strict rights and wrongs and much more about being considerate, thoughtful, THANKFUL and gracious.

According to Miss Manners:

Chief Duties of a Bridesmaid...

1.) Being good sports about the bride''s taste in their dresses, jollying her into a compromise that they can both stomach and afford, and then putting up with the results.
2.) Hanging around the altar during the ceremony, paying attention and looking pleased or moved (both if they can manage it without getting it without getting so carried away that they stand on the bride''s train)
3.) Smiling charmingly, not only while marching up the aisle together, but also when marching back down it on the arms of groomsmen they may not fancy, while standing in the recieving line and while going around the reception being asked when they are getting married.

She also goes on and on about how absurd it is these days that bridesmaids are asked to look totally identical, from hair to dress to make-up. That you ask individuals to be in your wedding, and to ask them to suppress their individuality because you want to cast a wedding is absurd. However, BM''s can be gracious and accept de-individualization in order to bring you happiness, however, you should neither expect nor require it.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 3/18/2010 12:14:44 PM
Author: trillionaire
However, BM's can be gracious and accept de-individualization in order to bring you happiness, however, you should neither expect nor require it.

oh twaddle. says who?

i had 3 bridesmaids. one lived 300kms away and i never saw her before the wedding. one's mother had recently died and she was in the process of becoming an alcoholic (this was *particularly* peachy to coordinate!). and one was 18 years old and knew jack about squat. nobody paid for a single thing and nobody DID a single thing except go to a couple of fittings so they didn't look ridiculous (tho their dresses DID turn out somewhat differently as they all went to different dressmakers) and turn up on the day. nobody did favors, arranged flowers, and no arts or crafts were involved at any time. i also didn't get anything LIKE the wedding i originally wanted, given that i wanted to have 24 people at a restaurant, and ended up with a wedding bigger than Ben frigging Hur.

my mother died 2 years prior and my father remarried 6 months prior. so i had some woman i didn't know's name on the invites styling herself as my mother when the invites said "D and M cordially invite you to the wedding of THEIR daughter..." my father never once mentioned my mother during his (30 minute!!) speech and my sister cried during the whole reception.

so suffice to say i'm not taking this position because it's what *I* did. i did the polar opposite. and i had a good day. not great and definitely not perfect. but good.

however...

i think there's altogether too many 'should's' in this thread. "you should do this...", "you should be happy with that...". says who? listen nov2109, it's your wedding. it'll probably be your one shot at it. if you don't like 2 of your bridesmaids, lose the dead weight. because in my opinion, a bridesmaid isn't expected to do ANYTHING. but a *friend* should have a higher standard of commitment than i'm seeing from your 2 BM's as you're portraying them in your posts. i don't think you're a bridezilla, or secretly unhappy or being overly demanding. i can tell you for nothing, had one of my bridesmaids turned up on my day with purple eyeshadow, she woulda found her fanny marched into the bathroom and a wash cloth handed to her in no uncertain terms! and had my closest one or two friends been so disinterested in such a significant life event for me, then they're obviously not as close as i thought. and i *certainly* don't think you're the first bride on PS to coordinate the makeup and hair of her bridesmaids - gees louise! bridesmaids expectations = zero. friends expectations...rather more. friends are supposed to love you; asking them to join in with your significant life events to a reasonable extent is hardly outrageous.

just for the record, i can't remember who was supposed to pay for the hairdresser for my bridesmaids. but since 3 out of the 4 hairstyles were completely botched on the day, we weren't charged anyway.

on this issue, tho, i'd make the offer to people that they could either use the hairdresser you're providing and pay for it themselves, or they can do their hair themselves (after running what they have in mind past you) and pay nothing. or go to the hairdresser of their choosing, for that matter. either way, i wouldn't force them to pay for your hair dresser, and i'd be willing to put up with a self-done job.

it actually sounds to me like you've been very UNdemanding - and i suspect that's why you're posting on PS; i suspect you're starting to resent trying to go with the flow - when the flow is heading somewhere you don't like. and fair enough - where *does* one draw the line?

but i suspect we're not the ones you want to say this to. i suspect you need to talk to the bridesmaids and deal with the actual people you're having the problems with. that way you'll either find a compromise or find that no compromise is available - and suggest they de-bridesmaids themselves.

nov2109, work out what friendship means to you - and what it dictates in your life - then do - and expect - that.

i hope you manage to sort this out.

 

[Haven]

Nov--I didn''t mean to insinuate that you''re throwing away your friendships. I just meant to say that all of these responses were probably fueled by a desire to make sure that you *didn''t* do something that might lead to that.

I think you''ve been very gracious in response to such harsh criticism. I just wanted to let you know that, for the most part, I think people reply in good faith.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/16/2010 5:26:28 PM
Author: Haven
I agree with all of the other posters.


Nov--I understand that it is easy to buy into all the press that portrays bridesmaids as cheery sidekicks who are just as excited about the wedding as the bride, I really do. And I understand that *you* are putting a lot of time, thought, and money into planning this wedding because it is going to be a very big, very important day for you.


However, the reality is that the details just don''t matter to anyone else. They really don''t. You may not be able to really see it right now, since you are so close to your own wedding, but I bet that when you find yourself standing up in a friend''s future wedding, you''ll understand exactly what everyone on this thread is saying.


It doesn''t really sound like your friends are being difficult on purpose.


The bartender who doesn''t want to take the night off might have good reason for it. Perhaps she can''t take another night off without risking her job. Or *perhaps* you have been acting a bit bridezilla-y and she doesn''t really feel like taking more time off for a bride that isn''t being a very good friend.

As for her choice of stylist and makeup artist, you are just being controlling on that point. Let her do her own makeup. I don''t let people I don''t know touch my face, so I can understand that.


The friend who is taking a trip to visit old friends sounds like a very good friend to me--she has enough friends to go and visit for six weeks! A dress fitting would be the *last* thing I''d allow to get in the way of a great trip like that. (In fact--I put off my own final bridal gown fitting until seven days before my wedding because I had the chance to take a free two week trip to Greece.)


I''m not sure what you expect them to contribute to, financially, but that expectation is completely unreasonable. It isn''t your place to count other people''s money, and the *only* obligation a bridesmaid has is to a) wear the dress you''d like her to wear, and b) show up on your wedding day and stand next to you.


I think you''ve gotten a bit of a beatdown here on this thread, but that''s okay. Hopefully it''s all you need to snap out of it, girl! The world doesn''t revolve around your wedding--only *your* world revolves around your wedding.

I agree with everything Haven said. While your friends are probably happy to celebrate your day with you, it is ONE day. Their world doesn''t have to revolve around your wedding day.

 

[Sabine]

Oh heck, I''m sure I did plenty of complaining like this when I was getting married. This is a great place to vent when you don''t get your head bitten off.

The bottom line is that your bm''s aren''t living up to your expectations, regardless of whether those expectations are "right" or not, and that stinks, so I''m sorry.

So my advice is vent away to get it out of your system, then change your expectations so that you don''t feel so let down, and try to let it go as best you can. Feeling like this is all part of the crap that goes along with planning a wedding for most people, but hopefully nothing will happen that will tarnish friendships after it is over with.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 3/18/2010 1:39:58 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 3/18/2010 12:14:44 PM
Author: trillionaire
However, BM''s can be gracious and accept de-individualization in order to bring you happiness, however, you should neither expect nor require it.

oh twaddle. says who?

i had 3 bridesmaids. one lived 300kms away and i never saw her before the wedding. one''s mother had recently died and she was in the process of becoming an alcoholic (this was *particularly* peachy to coordinate!). and one was 18 years old and knew jack about squat. nobody paid for a single thing and nobody DID a single thing except go to a couple of fittings so they didn''t look ridiculous (tho their dresses DID turn out somewhat differently as they all went to different dressmakers) and turn up on the day. nobody did favors, arranged flowers, and no arts or crafts were involved at any time. i also didn''t get anything LIKE the wedding i originally wanted, given that i wanted to have 24 people at a restaurant, and ended up with a wedding bigger than Ben frigging Hur.

my mother died 2 years prior and my father remarried 6 months prior. so i had some woman i didn''t know''s name on the invites styling herself as my mother when the invites said ''D and M cordially invite you to the wedding of THEIR daughter...'' my father never once mentioned my mother during his (30 minute!!) speech and my sister cried during the whole reception.

so suffice to say i''m not taking this position because it''s what *I* did. i did the polar opposite. and i had a good day. not great and definitely not perfect. but good.

however...

i think there''s altogether too many ''should''s'' in this thread. ''you should do this...'', ''you should be happy with that...''. says who? listen nov2109, it''s your wedding. it''ll probably be your one shot at it. if you don''t like 2 of your bridesmaids, lose the dead weight. because in my opinion, a bridesmaid isn''t expected to do ANYTHING. but a *friend* should have a higher standard of commitment than i''m seeing from your 2 BM''s as you''re portraying them in your posts. i don''t think you''re a bridezilla, or secretly unhappy or being overly demanding. i can tell you for nothing, had one of my bridesmaids turned up on my day with purple eyeshadow, she woulda found her fanny marched into the bathroom and a wash cloth handed to her in no uncertain terms! and had my closest one or two friends been so disinterested in such a significant life event for me, then they''re obviously not as close as i thought. and i *certainly* don''t think you''re the first bride on PS to coordinate the makeup and hair of her bridesmaids - gees louise! bridesmaids expectations = zero. friends expectations...rather more. friends are supposed to love you; asking them to join in with your significant life events to a reasonable extent is hardly outrageous.

just for the record, i can''t remember who was supposed to pay for the hairdresser for my bridesmaids. but since 3 out of the 4 hairstyles were completely botched on the day, we weren''t charged anyway.

on this issue, tho, i''d make the offer to people that they could either use the hairdresser you''re providing and pay for it themselves, or they can do their hair themselves (after running what they have in mind past you) and pay nothing. or go to the hairdresser of their choosing, for that matter. either way, i wouldn''t force them to pay for your hair dresser, and i''d be willing to put up with a self-done job.

it actually sounds to me like you''ve been very UNdemanding - and i suspect that''s why you''re posting on PS; i suspect you''re starting to resent trying to go with the flow - when the flow is heading somewhere you don''t like. and fair enough - where *does* one draw the line?

but i suspect we''re not the ones you want to say this to. i suspect you need to talk to the bridesmaids and deal with the actual people you''re having the problems with. that way you''ll either find a compromise or find that no compromise is available - and suggest they de-bridesmaids themselves.

nov2109, work out what friendship means to you - and what it dictates in your life - then do - and expect - that.

i hope you manage to sort this out.

I agree with whitby. True, your MOH and BMs technically have very little they are REQUIRED to do, however, I think when they''re close friends of yours it can be difficult when it seems like they''re not very excited about your wedding. Which is what it seems like your post is mainly about. In my opinion it''s an honor to be asked to be in someone''s wedding and you should accept only if you''re very excited and happy for the person and want to take part in their special day. This does NOT mean they have to spend a ton of money. And, I''m sorry, but if any of my BM''s came in with bright purple eyeshadow I''d probably ask them to tone it down.

I constantly am humbled by my MOH and BMs when I mention that I feel bad they''re spending so much money on my wedding (one of my BM lives in Arizona and is flying in 3 times for the wedding and related events). They continue to very sincerly say "you only get married once and we''re honored to be a part of this". I''ve continued to give them many options but it suprised me how many of them chose to get their hair, makeup, nails, and toes done, simply because they wanted to, though no one was required to. I''ve told the BM in Arizona many times that she really doesn''t need to attend the pre-wedding events if she can''t/doesn''t want to/isn''t able to but she''s insisting and I have to say I''m glad. In my opinion it''s less about if everyone has the same hair, makeup, etc. and more that you feel that they feel excited to be a part of your big day...especially if they''re you''re close friends. My friends have been nothing but supportive and I can see where you could be frustrated that you feel like your friends aren''t excited about your big day or being very involved in the process.

Besides, PS is a place to vent....and we''ve all had things to vent about. Goodness knows I''ve posted plenty of threads about in-laws, my mother, etc. Planning a wedding can have very stressful moments and I personally think it''s healthier to vent online than to rant and rave to those you are upset about. However, if you''re really feeling like you need to talk with these girls why not call them or sit down with them and have a heart to heart and let them know how you''re feeling.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 3/18/2010 1:39:58 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 3/18/2010 12:14:44 PM

Author: trillionaire

However, BM''s can be gracious and accept de-individualization in order to bring you happiness, however, you should neither expect nor require it.

oh twaddle. says who?


i had 3 bridesmaids. one lived 300kms away and i never saw her before the wedding. one''s mother had recently died and she was in the process of becoming an alcoholic (this was *particularly* peachy to coordinate!). and one was 18 years old and knew jack about squat. nobody paid for a single thing and nobody DID a single thing except go to a couple of fittings so they didn''t look ridiculous (tho their dresses DID turn out somewhat differently as they all went to different dressmakers) and turn up on the day. nobody did favors, arranged flowers, and no arts or crafts were involved at any time. i also didn''t get anything LIKE the wedding i originally wanted, given that i wanted to have 24 people at a restaurant, and ended up with a wedding bigger than Ben frigging Hur.


my mother died 2 years prior and my father remarried 6 months prior. so i had some woman i didn''t know''s name on the invites styling herself as my mother when the invites said ''D and M cordially invite you to the wedding of THEIR daughter...'' my father never once mentioned my mother during his (30 minute!!) speech and my sister cried during the whole reception.


so suffice to say i''m not taking this position because it''s what *I* did. i did the polar opposite. and i had a good day. not great and definitely not perfect. but good.


however...


i think there''s altogether too many ''should''s'' in this thread. ''you should do this...'', ''you should be happy with that...''. says who? listen nov2109, it''s your wedding. it''ll probably be your one shot at it. if you don''t like 2 of your bridesmaids, lose the dead weight. because in my opinion, a bridesmaid isn''t expected to do ANYTHING. but a *friend* should have a higher standard of commitment than i''m seeing from your 2 BM''s as you''re portraying them in your posts. i don''t think you''re a bridezilla, or secretly unhappy or being overly demanding. i can tell you for nothing, had one of my bridesmaids turned up on my day with purple eyeshadow, she woulda found her fanny marched into the bathroom and a wash cloth handed to her in no uncertain terms! and had my closest one or two friends been so disinterested in such a significant life event for me, then they''re obviously not as close as i thought. and i *certainly* don''t think you''re the first bride on PS to coordinate the makeup and hair of her bridesmaids - gees louise! bridesmaids expectations = zero. friends expectations...rather more. friends are supposed to love you; asking them to join in with your significant life events to a reasonable extent is hardly outrageous.


just for the record, i can''t remember who was supposed to pay for the hairdresser for my bridesmaids. but since 3 out of the 4 hairstyles were completely botched on the day, we weren''t charged anyway.

on this issue, tho, i''d make the offer to people that they could either use the hairdresser you''re providing and pay for it themselves, or they can do their hair themselves (after running what they have in mind past you) and pay nothing. or go to the hairdresser of their choosing, for that matter. either way, i wouldn''t force them to pay for your hair dresser, and i''d be willing to put up with a self-done job.


it actually sounds to me like you''ve been very UNdemanding - and i suspect that''s why you''re posting on PS; i suspect you''re starting to resent trying to go with the flow - when the flow is heading somewhere you don''t like. and fair enough - where *does* one draw the line?


but i suspect we''re not the ones you want to say this to. i suspect you need to talk to the bridesmaids and deal with the actual people you''re having the problems with. that way you''ll either find a compromise or find that no compromise is available - and suggest they de-bridesmaids themselves.


nov2109, work out what friendship means to you - and what it dictates in your life - then do - and expect - that.


i hope you manage to sort this out.

Whitby per usual said it perfectly.