I am an interrupter

[Erin]

I used to do it to my ex boyfriend, and now I''m doing it to my new boyfriend.
We start having a disagreement and in the midst of the conversation I interrupt them.

The problem for me is that with both of these men, they can go on and on, practically taking the stage with a monologue. By the time I get a chance to defend my point of view, the topic has changed. I believe that I am not so much interrupting, but fueling a conversation that goes back and forth.

Everyone has an ''interrupter'' in their lives. How do I get the right mindset to stop doing it?

 

[monarch64]

you could always try the talking stick...sounds cheesy but it might help. During a conversation with your partner, the person who is holding the talking stick (any random item) is the only one who gets to talk. I have been accused of being an interrupter before, I get very passionate about certain topics and I forget to wait and let the other person finish what they''re saying first. I just try to remember that I hate being interrupted and as long as I stay conscious of that fact I seem to be a better listener.

 

[gwendolyn]

Oh, I know the frustration! My boyfriend and I tend to interrupt each other during a disagreement in this cyclical pattern--one of us will try to set something straight and interrupts the other, and then the one who was interrupted constantly tries to interrupt in return to finish the original point, which then sets the other one of us off because we can''t finish THAT point either!

Not sure how we can stop it. I''ve tried asking politely if I can finish my point and then he can say what he has to say, but sometimes that works and other times it seems to annoy him further. Maybe we''ll have to try Monnie''s talking stick idea...

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/17/2008 10:03:08 AM
Author: monarch64
you could always try the talking stick...sounds cheesy but it might help. During a conversation with your partner, the person who is holding the talking stick (any random item) is the only one who gets to talk. I have been accused of being an interrupter before, I get very passionate about certain topics and I forget to wait and let the other person finish what they''re saying first. I just try to remember that I hate being interrupted and as long as I stay conscious of that fact I seem to be a better listener.

I''m sorry, small thread jack... but the first thing I imagined was the one with the talking stick using it to hit the "interrupter" for talking.

I''m done.

Whenever I have a disagreement, and I want to say something, I cross my fingers, so that I don''t forget in the heat of the conversation, and it lets FI know that I have something to say when he finishes.
The respect in the conversations has to be mututal. You listen to him, and he listens to you. It kind of sounds like he''s controlling the dialogue instead of having and actual "conversation". Let him know how you feel and try taking deep breaths before you begin talking.

 

[bee*]

hehe I can be like that too if D and I have an argument. He could talk for ages and it can drive me mad, so I interrupt. Maybe give each other a few minutes each to say what you''re thinking and the other person has to stop after that length of time to let the other one talk.

 

[somethingshiny]

DH says I''m the interrupter, but in truth anytime I start to talk, he HAS to tell his side of the story immediately! I try hard not to interrupt, but I end up laughing. He''ll go on and on about random things and I don''t even know what the initial argument was about. I guess that actually helps both of us, though. Most of our arguments are really silly.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Starset, you are not alone! I am a terrible interruptor and while D and I laugh about it when I'm not doing it, boy is it annoying when I do. I'm working on it. Change is hard.

The issue with me is that I interrupt to defend myself and make my point. If I'm doing that, I'm not listening to my husband. I literally force myself to keep my mouth shut, then when he's done, I sum up his point in a sentence or two and then state my own opinion so that we can get to the heart of the disagreement. This can be an issue, too, since I tend to explain it over and over again (because if he doesn't agree with me then clearly I haven't EXPLAINED my point of view sufficiently!)

I totally understand how difficult it is to not interrupt, even when I'm aware of it and TRYING I still have a tough time, but focusing on really listening to each other not only improves our communication, but it makes us both feel respected as well. I have no doubt you'll work through it!

 

[vespergirl]

I too am an interrupter, and a bad listener. I guess that I never realized that I did it until my former SIL tactfully pointed it out to me - I was mortified! I try to be better about it, but since my husband just tolerates it, I''m afraid it continues

 

[TravelingGal]

When TGuy and I fight, I never interrupt...unless you count sputtering with my mouth agape in shock that someone could be so lame, interrupting.

Just kidding, of course. I do find that bad listeners and interrupting tend to go hand in hand. People often don''t listen because they are thinking about the next thing they want to say, then have to get it out before they forget it. If people would spend the time to honestly listen and digest what the other person is saying, there would be a lot less interrupting.

 

[Sha]

Date: 11/17/2008 2:59:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When TGuy and I fight, I never interrupt...unless you count sputtering with my mouth agape in shock that someone could be so lame, interrupting.

Just kidding, of course. I do find that bad listeners and interrupting tend to go hand in hand. People often don''t listen because they are thinking about the next thing they want to say, then have to get it out before they forget it. If people would spend the time to honestly listen and digest what the other person is saying, there would be a lot less interrupting.

Ditto! DH interrupts people and talks over people ALL the time.... I hate it!! I tell him he needs to work on his listening skills, and give me people a chance to get all their words out before jumping in.

 

[Clairitek]

I do it too and I really get embarrassed when I do it to FF''s mother or father. I''m certainly working on it though.

I think its really hard in general to not interrupt someone when you''re having an argument with them. You''re not alone on this though!

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 11/17/2008 2:59:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When TGuy and I fight, I never interrupt...unless you count sputtering with my mouth agape in shock that someone could be so lame, interrupting.

Just kidding, of course. I do find that bad listeners and interrupting tend to go hand in hand. People often don''t listen because they are thinking about the next thing they want to say, then have to get it out before they forget it. If people would spend the time to honestly listen and digest what the other person is saying, there would be a lot less interrupting.

TGal, have you been talking to my husband?!?!

He says this about me all the time.

I''m definitely an interrupter but I thought I was a good listener, although now I''m starting to wonder! DH just takes toooo long to get his point across and I get frustrated. I have to work on this. I like the talking stick idea or some other signal...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/17/2008 3:06:26 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 11/17/2008 2:59:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When TGuy and I fight, I never interrupt...unless you count sputtering with my mouth agape in shock that someone could be so lame, interrupting.

Just kidding, of course. I do find that bad listeners and interrupting tend to go hand in hand. People often don''t listen because they are thinking about the next thing they want to say, then have to get it out before they forget it. If people would spend the time to honestly listen and digest what the other person is saying, there would be a lot less interrupting.

TGal, have you been talking to my husband?!?!

He says this about me all the time.

I''m definitely an interrupter but I thought I was a good listener, although now I''m starting to wonder! DH just takes toooo long to get his point across and I get frustrated. I have to work on this. I like the talking stick idea or some other signal...

LOL yeah, we have lunch everyday (I fly in from LA). Are yer ears burnin''?

 

[Elmorton]

I''m an interrupter...and I guess my DH has just gotten used to it. He''s more of a listener, so it doesn''t bug him as much I don''t think. Outside of that, I think it''s a two-way street. My mom is also an interrupter, but it''s because my father can talk for about 5 minutes without pausing for air. When I was in grad school, I realized I needed to tone down my interrupting, but at the same time, I also realized that some people just love to hear themselves talk, and they need an interrupter to ask questions and get the convo back to something interesting. It is possible to interrupt politely.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I take it back to preschool...I raise my hand, believe it or not.

If my DH starts to "go places" with the conversation that I don''t like...or disagree with...I will shoot my hand up sooooo fast. He knows what this means.

Now, my DH on the other hand, will just let me go on and on and on....and by the time he gets the floor again, he''s forgotten anything we wanted to say.

 

[Elmorton]

Haha, Italia, I''m a hand-raiser, too. I do it with my parents and with close friends. I also will put my hands in the "time out" sign. My DH has more than once responded with a different refereeing gesture, like "Shot clock" (patting the top of your head).

 

[Erin]

Date: 11/17/2008 3:23:27 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I take it back to preschool...I raise my hand, believe it or not.

I used to handle it this way, maybe I should go back to it. Mostly because if I''m going to let someone stand on their soapbox uninterrupted, it''d better be based on fact. Otherwise, why let them go on about something that needs distinction first? It''s not that I''m not a good listener, although there is always room for improvement. It''s more that I don''t feel I should let someone build an argument about something that isn''t true, or that has been misinterpreted. Or should I?

 

[Erin]

Date: 11/17/2008 3:28:41 PM
Author: Elmorton
My DH has more than once responded with a different refereeing gesture, like ''Shot clock'' (patting the top of your head).

Oh no, this gesture is reserved for situations like in Seinfeld and that party in Jersey when someone is talking to you and you can''t escape and that signal means "rescue me!"

 

[elrohwen]

I loved reading all of the responses on this thread! I don''t do this with FI too often because I think he''s good at getting his points across quickly and we communicate really well. However, I do catch myself doing this with my boss! He just goes on and on and on and repeats himself endlessly and it frustrates me to no end. Especially when he''s working off of misinformation. Sometimes I can''t help interrupting him and trying to get him back on track or stop repeating something. I''m just too impatient for people who ramble like that, so I need to work on my patience.

I love the hand raise idea and my friends and I use it all the time! I think it''s great to use with a significant other because it allows you to interrupt without being rude and actually interrupting. At least they know you have something to say so they''re more likely to hurry up and wrap up what they were saying instead of rambling. Unfortunately, I''m not sure it would be professional in the work environment ... haha. At least not with my boss. But some of your other suggestions are great and I''m going to try them at the next opportunity!