Hurt and disappointment

[december-fire]

Missy,

I'm sorry to read about your hurt and disappointment regarding your sister. I'm one of those who always placed a high priority on family so know that it can seem more painful when something involves the actions of a family member.

However, I used to believe that people are all basically the same. Now, not so much. Often we hear about 'putting ourselves in someone else's shoes' to understand that person's actions or perspectives. The problem with that advice is that 'putting ourselves in their shoes' will shed no light if we apply our set of values and understanding. Not sure if I explained that clearly.

I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but sometimes we hear a 'reason' or 'explanation' and interpret it as an 'excuse'. It may, however, actually be the reason behind the action. If a lack of time is given as being the rationale, we might consider that as an 'excuse'. However, it might be the real reason. I don't know if your sister works, full-time/part-time whatever, or any of the demands on her time and energy, other than the fact she has two children. That fact alone though is time-consuming, and not at a consistent level; sometimes being a parent requires all available time and energy. Even close family and friends might not be aware of everything going on in the life of the parent and/or child, nor should they be. There could be things the child wants kept confidential, even if just to avoid pity or constantly being asked about the situation.

More telling than a single incident is a pattern of behaviour. Please forgive me for not going over your post(s) more thoroughly to see if you've noticed a pattern in your sister's behaviour towards you.

I just wanted to note that:
- sometimes a given reason really is the reason, not an excuse
- sometimes there is stuff going on that the person prefers not to get into with anyone or everyone
- we don't really know what life is like for another person; we might think they should have time for certain things, but we could be wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Sorry for the long post. Wanted to try and offer another perspective, whether or not it is applicable.


Luv2sparkle and Queenie,
My heart goes out to you and others dealing with health issues that impact your children. I know I'm not the only parent who has wished it possible to eliminate a child's health issues or transfer the health issues to myself. ((Big hugs))

 

[december-fire]

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Some people, when confronted with medical issues in people they love tend to withdraw. When my grandmother was dying of cancer my sister couldn't stand to visit her. It just hurt her too much, and she withdrew. Thankfully my dad was sensitive to it, and didn't push her. My husband sees that a lot at work, too. He deals with a critically ill population, and it may surprise you how many family members can't handle it and don't visit very often at all. But then, some families camp out 24/7.

I sincerely hope you are doing better. What a thing to have happen.

BeekeeperBetty,

Exactly.

There are so many reasons behind an action and generalizations shouldn't be applied.

Last year, I spent much of the time at various hospitals (two members of my immediate family for unrelated reasons). Some family members assigned (literally) shifts so that someone would be in attendance 24/7. While the patient was in hospital, as opposed to whatever lay down the road when our assistance would be required. I foolishly thought we should not run ourselves into the ground while doctors and nurses were on-site 24/7. Those same family members then decided that hospital food wasn't an option and assigned the preparation and provision of meals. Did I mention that there was apparently no need for respecting the posted visiting hours or the need of our loved ones and others in the room to get some rest?

Hospital staff reached their limit at one point and explained that visiting hours were set for a reason and were applicable to all visitors.

Opps. I think I strayed into venting.

 

[missy]

Thank you Betty for that perspective and I definitely can see that. Some people are good in a crisis and there for you no matter what it takes and others do what they can but cannot be there the same way. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. During that time I was so fortunate because I had the best roommate when I was in the hospital and I still keep in touch with her though she lives in California. In fact my dh offered to stay with me overnight while I was in the hospital but I didn't let him. He was working and would have been exhausted and it wasn't necessary. But it really helped that I had such a great roommate.

I am well now and thank you for asking and I hope you are doing well too. I remember reading something a while back that you had some health issues and I hope you are doing well and feeling good. Thank you for chiming in here. (((Hugs))).


December-fire, thank you and I know that is true. Sometimes the reason given is not an excuse but the actual reason. And I agree people are all different. True dat. I am sorry you had family in the hospital over the past year and I hope they are doing well. It is scary when our loved ones have health issues and there is so much beyond our control.

For me the scariest part of that whole time was that I couldn't control much at all. I prayed my surgeon would be able to fix my leg and that I would be able to walk and cycle again and that nothing would happen before,during or after the surgery and that I would be OK. I was more scared than I had ever been in my whole life. I was not in control and right before the anesthesiologist put me to sleep I was terrified. And the anesthesiologist could tell that I was (yeah you probably already realize from all my posts on PS over the years that I cannot hide how I am feeling) because he took my hands in his hands as I was laying on the gurney right before the surgery and right before he was going to administer the anesthesia and he told me I was going to be just fine and everything was going to go smoothly and that I would wake up. All the nurses and doctors there were amazing and comforting and I know this sounds crazy but it was (after I knew I would survive and the surgery was over) a good experience. I saw who my real friends are and I saw the best in people and I had an amazing health care team. I cannot say enough good things about the trauma surgeon and his team at Hospital for Special Surgery. Really an amazing group of people.

I will add that HSS was very strict about visiting hours while I was laying in the ICU but once I was in my hospital room they were easy peasy and it was OK to have visitors at any time. That is the culture there and it was not a problem. But while in the ICU they were super strict.

Haha now I have gone off on a tangent LOL. Thank you for sharing your thoughts DF I appreciate them.

 

[House Cat]

I've had situations in my life where I loved people very much and still let them down. My actions sometimes didn't match my feelings. I am lucky enough that those people extended me grace. As our relationships have waned and waxed, they have let me down too and I have had the wonderful opportunity to extend them the very same grace they extended me years ago. Do you know how good it felt to do this? When I think about it, my heart grows many sizes!

It is very interesting to watch how relationships, in general, are more on a teeter totter than on a straight line.

 

[missy]

I've had situations in my life where I loved people very much and still let them down. My actions sometimes didn't match my feelings. I am lucky enough that those people extended me grace. As our relationships have waned and waxed, they have let me down too and I have had the wonderful opportunity to extend them the very same grace they extended me years ago. Do you know how good it felt to do this? When I think about it, my heart grows many sizes!

It is very interesting to watch how relationships, in general, are more on a teeter totter than on a straight line.

House Cat, what you wrote resonates deeply with me. This is why (and may other reasons too) I love PS. There are so many wise insightful caring people here and I learn so much from you all. Thank you.

 

[december-fire]

Missy,

Its no wonder you were terrified.

Reading your description of that experience made me sad that your sister wasn't there for you when you were so scared. I can't imagine not being there for someone to try and help them through a horrible ordeal.

I'm glad you have such a loving and thoughtful husband and good friends who are there for you.

As for your sister, well, I've learned that - as Kenny says - people vary. I always try to understand the other person's actions, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. However, sometimes its a matter of our views and values being quite different from those of the other person, even if the other person is a sibling.

Thank goodness for the fact that we can choose our own friends and significant other and can be with people who share similar views and values.

 

[Polished]

You know it's a funny thing how sometimes on the internet, we can at times, know a person on a deeper level than family or people we know. Why is this? I think of the play Macbeth. Macbeth allows his ambition to cloud his judgment and he allows himself to stop at nothing, including murder, to achieve it. Why is it that while we know he's ruthless and will stop at nothing to achieve his ambition do we feel sympathy for him. It's because he talks to us and in talking to us we see how he is all too aware of his own short-comings and he shows us how, through his own behaviour, he didn't enjoy a single day of his ill-gotten gains and that it destroyed everything that was precious to him'; especially his marriage. We understand Macbeth because he is a brilliant communicator.

Turning away from crime! Missy, through your posting I think we had a very good idea of what cycling with your DH meant to you prior to your accident. Cycling clearly has a special place in your lives. This meant that when you had your leg accident it put us ahead of the game in terms of understanding and empathising with how this would affect you and knowing the effect would be so much more than the pain you were experiencing. At the time you didn't know whether you'd ever be able to cycle again and given what it meant to you, you were dealing with something profound. Maybe your sister didn't quite understand the whole package that made up this period of your life and that's ok.

 

[missy]

Thanks again for your thoughts December Fire. I feel like maybe I painted my sister in an unfair light. We do share similar values though yes we are very different people and I love her and I know she loves me. Reading all these helpful insightful replies helps me understand my feelings about this even more clearly and understand that even though she disappointed me perhaps she just did the best she could do at the time. I chalked it up to her just not caring enough to take the time to visit me more but now I see it through others perspectives and it might have been more complicated than that. Who can say at this point since my sister is very different than me in terms of discussing difficult topics. She doesn't like to and once something gets too uncomfortable for her she will either change the subject or if I refuse to she will say goodbye (when we are talking via phone) so I don't get to discuss things with her like I do with PS. Here people can choose to click onto a topic and respond or just read and move on or not click on at all. So when people respond to the posts here I know they want to and are engaged more fully in the topic than perhaps when talking about things with real life/offline friends if that makes sense. The views and thoughts here are often more honest than one can get elsewhere and I appreciate hearing everyone's viewpoints. It often gives me a clearer sense of things.

HouseCat wrote about extending grace and how much that has helped her in healing. Also about how she too has let down people she loves. This reminds me we are all of us human and make mistakes and forgiveness and letting the hurt go is an important part of healing. I thought I had moved on but now I realize the reason I started this thread the other day is that deep down I have not moved on fully and healed. My sister hurt me by what I perceived was her not caring about me but now I see it differently. I think she just did the best she could at the time and I feel more at peace with this whole issue. I thank PSers for their wisdom and empathy and kindness.

Polished, as always I am grateful for your perceptive thoughts and understanding of human behavior. Perhaps some PSers do know me better regarding a few issues than my own family does and the opportunity to share thoughts here is a special and unique one. I like to think I communicate well with my own family but if you read the response to DF above you can see they don't always allow me to communicate fully my thoughts and feelings. I very much enjoyed your above Macbeth example. I always enjoy reading what your posts and very much appreciate your input and perspicacity. Thank you.

 

[LLJsmom]

Missy, I've been figuring out what to share in response to your question. I have been very hurt by two friends, one in 8th grade and one in senior year in high school. Yeah, I know long time ago. My 8th grade friend I had considered my best friend. I honestly thought of her as my sister. I really wanted one and I didn't have one. I treated her as my sister. I wanted to share everything, and bring her everywhere that I went, buy a second of everything I got so she could have one too. I thought she felt the same. Maybe she did for a while, but when we went our separate ways in high school, she moved on. Nothing mean. No big confrontation or disagreement. She just decided she wanted to build other friendships and let ours essentially die out. I was very hurt and had to learn to accept it.

High school, I thought I had a best friend until after senior year, I discovered she didn't think of me that way at all. In fact, she didn't really even like me. She never gave a hint. I felt punched in the gut. And I had had enough. I stopped putting my eggs in the friendship basket. I made friends, but kept most of them as acquaintances and did not place any expectations on them. It was quite a solitary existence, but I made do. I'm an introvert at heart so I coped.

I was like that through my thirties until I met some new friends who slowly helped me to trust again, and break down some walls.

My point though is that I now realize the people who to love and give even though they have been hurt and disappointed by people they love in their lives are the really courageous ones. With you, I know it hurts so much more, because it's your sister. And it seems reasonable to expect more of your sister. You shared the same parents and were with each other your whole lives. I admire you missy. You are one of the most giving, loving, kind, generous people I have ever been blessed to meet. That you have the courage and the heart big enough to give and love so much is humbling and broke down a little bit more of the wall that I had built. I didn't do anything to deserve it but you gave me the gift of your friendship, which will be in my heart always. Thank you for being you and I hope you never change. You will likely still get hurt in the future, by people who don't live up to your expectations. But that is not a bad thing, if you know what I mean. It means your heart is still soft and willing to love and give, and be hurt. It isn't hardened to protect itself like mine was. And you can still live a rich, full life, and experience all the joys and sorrows, which I haven't in a long time.

 

[CJ2008]

And this thread is yet another example of why PS is such a special place.

xoxoxo to all of you.

 

[missy]

LLJsmom, what you wrote made me tear up. Thank you sweetheart and I feel the same way about you. You have opened your heart up to me and never once did I get the feeling you have a wall around you. Never once. You gave me your friendship so generously and you are a loving warm and generous person. I am so sorry you went through the loss of what you thought were wonderful friendships. I like to think as we get older we choose our friends more wisely and I hope neither of us go through any more painful breakups. Thank you for your thoughtful post and thoughts and you have given me even more to think about.

It means your heart is still soft and willing to love and give, and be hurt. And you can still live a rich, full life, and experience all the joys and sorrows

Thank you for this because putting it this way makes me realize that I am OK with being hurt again if necessary because I don't want to change who I am or close my heart to others no matter that inevitably there are those who will disappoint me and perhaps hurt me. It would mean living without feeling strongly about things and people and animals I love and you are right. I don't want to live like that. Thank you so much LLJsmom.

And for what it is worth this is how I see you... A brave woman who lives life on her own terms and who doesn't live according to the rules of others and does what she thinks is right and best and makes no apologies about that. You are an amazing woman and are raising 2 wonderful loving, kind, smart and generous children. I admire you LLJsmom. Thank you for being my friend. (((HUGS))).

CJ, totally agree. PS is a special place. XOXO to you and everyone here.