How would you feel about your SO living with another female?

[OUpearlgirl]

Ok, I''m not going to start this off by talking about how amazing and wonderful my SO is minus this one teeny thing. Honestly, this isn''t a huge deal to me, but it does slightly bother me.

Lane and I have been together almost a year. He is in the military and from the end of April until the first week of August he will be training in a different state. Since finding out that this was the path he was taking, he has talked about a really great house that is for rent. Basically, an older pilot has completely redone this house from top to bottom with all very high tech appliances, everything is new, it''s amazing. It also costs him no more to live there than to live in the dorms. He told me he got in and I was really happy for him. Then he mentioned that there is a girl living there. He''s never met her, doesn''t know what she''s like, or anything about her. He just knows she''s another person training to be an instructor as well. They''ll have separate bathrooms, bedrooms, etc but will share all living areas. There will also be another male living in the place.

At first I was really upset, and even more upset he hadn''t asked me how I felt about it. I can''t quite articulate why this bothers me. I trust him and I''m not worried about him developing feelings for her or anything along those lines. It just sucks that the first time we are having to do real distance (8 hour drive as opposed to 1.5 hour drive) and he''ll be living with someone that makes me uncomfortable.

He had no idea this would bother me and is completely willing to break the lease if I say so. I don''t know that it necessarily needs to come to that, but I can''t decide. Am I crazy for this to bug me?? Even just a little bit??

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

I don''t think your crazy for this to bother you. I can see where you coming from but if you SO is willing to break the lease because of that you have to trust nothing will happen. If I were in your position I would feel that way but it would be a passing feeling because I trust my SO. I''m sure you do to it just may take some getting use to and on the plus side there is another male roommate.

 

[sonnyjane]

This is kind of a case-by-case thing for me, and in the case you described (temporary living conditions, separate bedrooms and bathrooms, another male living there as well), I don't think I'd be too concerned. My husband is also in the military and prior to us living together, he lived with a friend and the friend's wife. There was a time when the friend was deployed and it was just my husband and the wife living there and there were no problems. If anything, my husband was annoyed at having to share a house with a girl Your SO seems upfront with you about it and was willing to break the lease if you wanted. I wouldn't worry about this one.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I would not be very happy about it - but given the circumstances and the amount of trust you have in him, Im sure that it will be ok.. I would probably be willing to put up with it, given the circumstances and temporary nature..

 

[FrekeChild]

I don''t think I''d worry about it either, honestly. I mean, it''s about 4 months, and he''s committed. Who knows, maybe she''s committed/engaged/married! I think it''s a trust thing, yeah?

 

[KatyWI]

Okay, I feel a little nuts saying what I really think, but EFF. NO.

Knowing what I know about your BF, I think he''s totally madly in love with you and completely trustworthy, but like you I would feel.. uncomfortable. And I think that we (people in general) should do everything we can to avoid making our SOs uncomfortable. No matter how much we trust them, we can''t help that persistent weird feeling when you''re not quite happy about something even if you know it''s a little crazy to feel that way.

Basically... err... I think if he DOES live there, you don''t actually have anything to worry about, but if it were up to me, I''d want him not to.

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes, that''s tough! I don''t think you''re crazy at all. Honestly, I''d be really upset, too. You''re going to be in a LDR for the first time and to top it off, your boyfriend is living with another woman. That is a completely reasonable situation to be upset about.

That said, he''s already signed a lease AND it''s to stay at an older pilot''s house. Could it possibly hurt his image with the pilot and other people he works with if he broke the lease? That''s something important to consider. I don''t know that I would ask him to break the lease since he''s already signed it. Hmmm...yeah I just don''t know what I would do.

Can you think about it for a few days and see how you feel when you''ve cooled off more?

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/6/2010 9:50:31 PM
Author: KatyWI
Okay, I feel a little nuts saying what I really think, but EFF. NO.


Knowing what I know about your BF, I think he''s totally madly in love with you and completely trustworthy, but like you I would feel.. uncomfortable. And I think that we (people in general) should do everything we can to avoid making our SOs uncomfortable. No matter how much we trust them, we can''t help that persistent weird feeling when you''re not quite happy about something even if you know it''s a little crazy to feel that way.


Basically... err... I think if he DOES live there, you don''t actually have anything to worry about, but if it were up to me, I''d want him not to.

That is true, but, hmm, how do I explain this, in the military it''s not always that simple. What happens when her SO is deployed and has to sleep in a tent with another female for months at a time? My husband has had to do this in the past, and there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change it, no matter how uncomfortable it might make someone feel. A lot of these guys just look at women as co-workers, and their sex doesn''t really matter. If it was a long-term situation, or if it were just the two of them in the house, I''d feel more uncomfortable, but he is going away for temporary training and others will be present.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 4/6/2010 9:53:14 PM
Author: thing2of2
Yikes, that''s tough! I don''t think you''re crazy at all. Honestly, I''d be really upset, too. You''re going to be in a LDR for the first time and to top it off, your boyfriend is living with another woman. That is a completely reasonable situation to be upset about.


That said, he''s already signed a lease AND it''s to stay at an older pilot''s house. Could it possibly hurt his image with the pilot and other people he works with if he broke the lease? That''s something important to consider. I don''t know that I would ask him to break the lease since he''s already signed it. Hmmm...yeah I just don''t know what I would do.


Can you think about it for a few days and see how you feel when you''ve cooled off more?

I have thought on it for a few days, and I have calmed down. I don''t know about it hurting his image, honestly. This house will be pretty amazing for him to get to stay in, especially compared to an on-base dorm. I think I will feel slightly guilty if I tell him no. I''m so glad we are in the place that we are in now, because I''m not worried about him being unfaithful.

So I guess I''m having trouble explaining why exactly it bothers me if it''s not about trusting him?

 

[Indylady]

I don''t think I would care in that particular situation. Its not a dodgy circumstance. Its more or less a temporary living assignment, so I wouldn''t mind. I would want to meet her though when he moves in.

 

[lilyfoot]

It wouldn't bother me at all, because I have 100% trust in my FI. I don't see any other reason besides trust issues, for this to bother you. I don't know anything about your relationship history, and I don't mean to pry, but is there maybe some past issue that is making you feel uneasy about this? You don't even have to answer that question here, it's just something to think about.

ETA: You say you don't know anything about the girl. She could be a lesbian, for all you know (a.k.a. completely uninterested in your BF). Would it still bother you then?

 

[Octavia]

Honestly, the situation you described wouldn''t bother me. I might not be happy if my hubby (or in the past, if a boyfriend) was living in a 2-bedroom, 1-bath apartment with a female, but this sounds more like a rooming house scenario. When I was in college, I lived in an apartment with 3 other girls and 4 guys, and nothing suspicious or awkward ever happened among roomies. And that was when we had the time to drink, carouse, and be up on each other''s business. Your boyfriend is going to be really busy, and I''d imagine his roomies are, too. While I guess there''s always potential for something to happen, I really don''t think it''s much more than if he was living in the dorms unless he''s *that* kind of guy (and it doesn''t sound like he is). Yes, he probably should have talked to you about it as soon as he found out, but otherwise, I personally don''t think it''s that big a deal.

 

[Daffodil]

I think it''s natural to feel a bit uneasy about your SO living with another female. However, I praise you for acknowledging this feeling and being open to it. I think that you are being extremely open and honest that you are uncomfortable with the situation, but you still trust your SO. The best thing to do is keep an open line of communication between you and your SO about your thoughts and feelings about the situation. It sounds like he is considerate of your feelings, and willing to do what it takes to make you feel better. As long as you keep him in the loop about what''s going on between your ears, it sounds like a situation that is doable for the both of you.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 4/6/2010 10:05:03 PM
Author: lilyfoot
It wouldn''t bother me at all, because I have 100% trust in my FI. I don''t see any other reason besides trust issues, for this to bother you. I don''t know anything about your relationship history, and I don''t mean to pry, but is there maybe some past issue that is making you feel uneasy about this? You don''t even have to answer that question here, it''s just something to think about.


ETA: You say you don''t know anything about the girl. She could be a lesbian, for all you know (a.k.a. completely uninterested in your BF). Would it still bother you then?

Definitely not any issues to make me feel uneasy. I guess I just think it''s inappropriate. I wouldn''t even consider a guy for a roommate, and I don''t know why! Maybe it''s because I''ve been brought up in a very proper home, it just seems WRONG to me!!

I think it might still bother me if she were a lesbian/in a relationship/engaged. I can''t quite explain why. Part of me wants to be the only girl he ever "lives" with besides family. I know that is silly and I do think that I might have overreacted at first.

Thank you everyone for your opinions! You are all right, I am lucky to be dating someone so considerate and so in tune with my feelings. He is great.

 

[Lauren8211]

I understand why you might have an initial feeling of uneasiness. I also don''t think its a big deal. We don''t even know who this woman is. If its a great living situation for him, I think you should let it go personally. But then again, if you think its going to cause tension because you''ll simply never adjust, maybe you should speak up about it. LDR is hard - you don''t want any unnecessary pressure!

I know your SO loves you, so I really don''t think its a big deal.

Good luck, lady!

 

[babycush]

Personally, it wouldn''t bother me. But I lived with two guys for a few months about 6 months into our relationship, so I might have a skewed perspective.

It''s definitely about trust. This is a situation that neither your man nor his future roommate would likely choose if they had their ideal choice, not like he went out and actively searched for some hot piece

 

[sillyberry]

This past summer I lived in a two-bedroom two-bathroom apartment with a male friend of mine when we were both summer associates in a different city than we normally live in. We both have significant others (he actually proposed to his during the time when we were living together). We occasionally cooked dinner together and watched TV, but mostly we were at work or hanging out with other friends or just by ourselves in our rooms.

You know what? Thinking back now it never occurred to me that it would be weird or inappropriate to live with a guy. I definitely didn''t ask my boyfriend permission or run it by him, I just told him I was living with X. I have no idea if his then-girlfriend had a problem with it, but we''re friends and it was never indicated to me that it was problematic. We''re going to their wedding this summer!

Perhaps I''m weird, but under your circumstances it wouldn''t bother me a bit.

 

[princesss]

M lived with a girl our senior year of college. They shared a bathroom but had separate bedrooms. Honestly, I really liked it. It gave me more company when I went to visit him, and she was a really sweet girl. But I''m verrrrrry chill about stuff like that. I figure, he''s seen all the bits and pieces before, he''s loyal, I don''t have anything to worry about. I wouldn''t hesitate to live with my guy friends if M and I weren''t living together and I needed a roomie, so I wouldn''t expect M to cut out half of all potential roommates for having the wrong chromosome.

That said, if it bugs you, it bugs you. You''re not crazy at all, but I definitely think that if you take some time and think about it you''ll either relax about it or be able to really put your finger on what bugs you. You guys have a great relationship, and I know that once you figure out exactly what it is you''ll talk about it and be okay. This is just a speedbump.

Also, having spent my weekend with pilots and hearing them talk, I feel very comfortable saying that every single one of them would be so busy trying to get him to introduce them to your sisters/friends that she''d probably be so sick of it she''d avoid the heck out of him so she didn''t have to hear it!

 

[mickeyva]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I probably would not be very happy about it if it was me. One thing that may make you feel better is when he moves, to go with him for a weekend or something where you just happen to meet her (very casually of course!). My BF has a really good friend who he hooked up with once in college, and every year since they graduated, he would go visit for a weekend. Once we started dating, I wasn't happy about this, and then there were circumstances that made the trip stop (which had nothing to do with my not liking it). Anyway, I finally met her this past summer (with her SO), and I LOVE her. She's so much fun and easy to talk to, and it put any concerns to rest. Anyway, point being, I had built this whole thing up in my head (which I have a terrible habit of doing for as long as I remember), and it was totally unfounded.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

OUP, I'm sorry you're feeling crummy about this

I definitely see how this might bother you, but from what you've told me about your bf and the relationship you two have I don't think there's anything for you to worry about. The fact that there's another male living there is a plus because it's not just the two of them alone together all the time. I would make a point to be there on moving day (if possible) to meet her and, lol, assert your place as the dominant woman in his life. You're such a sweetheart and I know as soon as she meets you she'll love you. It's really hard (most of the time) for a girl to act shady and move in on a guy when she likes and respects his significant other. I think you also need to trust your bf. I think once you meet this girl and observe how they interact you'll have a better grasp of the situation and hopefully will be able to address it rationally if you do decide you're ultimately not comfortable with it. I think right now this is a case of the fear of the unknown and possibly a little envy (she get's to live with him and you're 8 hours away...).

**hugs** sweetie, you know we're here for you if you need us.

ETA: I also just want to point out that help with the mortgage means more money in the L-man's pocket to put towards your ring! And I know you don't have plans at the moment to see him, but I think you should really try and make getting up there ASAP after the move a priority, if only to ease your mind about the situation.

 

[RaiKai]

No, this would not bother me.

I have dated men in past who were roommates with women and there was nothing untoward about it. I never lived with any roommates - unless you count tail end of a past common law relationship - as I liked living on my own but would not find it unusual to live with a male roommate.DH had female roommates in.his younger years.

Living with a roommates male or female is different than living with a romantic partner.

Oh and DH and I both have military experience and have lived in a LOT closer quarters to people of opposite sex for extended periods of time.Nothing happened.

Your BF could be spending some time at a nudist resort and that still does not mean anything would happen (I have some past experience there too!).

It all comes down to you as individuals and a couple. I assume you have discussed boundaries and such and have good communication and trust. You can never control someones actions but if you are in relationship with him you can be open about your feelings, open to his and build mutual trust and respect. If he respects you and knows your boundaries...I would not worry.

Even *if* something happened you cannot go around preventing temptations all his life...only he can decide how to respond to temptations. This really all comes down to personal character and values whatever the circumstances someone is in.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I agree that it''s 100% a trust thing. I think if there is even a single subconcious doubt as to whether he will remain faithful (whether that fear is warranted or not), this is a good trial and will strengthen your relationship and put those fears to rest for good.
I wouldn''t worry too much. It sounds like a good deal and it sounds like he is happy. Let him move in, make friends with the woman, and I''m sure when you get to know her you will be able to relax about it.

 

[elrohwen]

I''m torn on this one. In college, I lived with guys the last two years. For my senior year, it was actually three guys and me in our apartment. Totally innocent and never even a thought of something happening. However, I wasn''t in a super serious relationship with anyone either.

I just don''t know. I think in your particular situation, I would let it go and it wouldn''t bother me. However, I''m weird, and lived with three guys in college, so what doesn''t bother me may still bother you, and that''s ok. I wouldn''t consider you a crazy jealous girlfriend if you were uncomfortable with that situation.

 

[Prana]

I would not be bothered by this at all. I trust my FI 100%. Plus, they have separate rooms and bathrooms (even if they shared, I still trust my FI). I seem to be the minority here, but things like this just don''t bother me.

Now if the girl he was moving in with was a sex crazed lunatic, I would feel uncomfortable for my FI, but still not worried in the least bit.

It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your SO, and that you trust each other. Why don''t you talk to him, see how he reacts to your feelings of discomfort. He might not even have thought anything of it. What is it that you are uncomfortable about? Is it because you two don''t live together yet? (I don''t know if you do or don''t)

 

[Prana]

Sorry, I just read all the replies, and see that you answered my question already.

I can understand your feeling about how it seems wrong to live with a woman who is not your wife.

However, this is for his job/career. Times are changing, and males and females are now more than ever, able to train for and work for the same jobs. This will create these types of scenarios where men and women are living together in close quarters (especially with military, police, firefighter and traveling types of jobs). I''m not saying that because of this, you should just have to accept it and ignore your feelings, but it is becomming more and more common.

And to echo what someone else said-they are going to be extremely busy, and may barely see each other at all!

Hopefully you can come to terms with your feelings, and discuss this with your BF.

 

[lucyandroger]

This wouldn''t bother me at all UNLESS there was some history there (ex-gf) or the girl was known for walking around naked.

I had male roommates while in school and working abroad and it never occurred to me that it would make my now-FI upset. Maybe if you meet the girl, you''ll feel better about the situation.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Thank you everyone for your input! Like I said at the start of the thread, this isn''t something that is weighing heavily on my mind. It'' just something that kind of surprised me and made me uncomfortable. I know I can''t get down there to meet her on move in day, but I think I''ll be ok. I''m sure once I do eventually meet her I will not care at all. You are also all very right, he''s going to be so busy. I''m probably worrying about nothing (one of my many talents) but I am really glad he is listening and willing to do whatever to make me comfortable.

We talked about it again last night and he said that if at any point I am uneasy about the situation he can get out and move elsewhere. I guess this house is so desired by the people in training that there is no lease to break, the owner will let them move out at any time. I honestly don''t think it will come to that, but it''s nice to know!

 

[sunnyd]

In the meantime, I will hope that she is a hideous beast with the personality of a slug.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:36:54 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
Thank you everyone for your input! Like I said at the start of the thread, this isn''t something that is weighing heavily on my mind. It'' just something that kind of surprised me and made me uncomfortable. I know I can''t get down there to meet her on move in day, but I think I''ll be ok. I''m sure once I do eventually meet her I will not care at all. You are also all very right, he''s going to be so busy. I''m probably worrying about nothing (one of my many talents) but I am really glad he is listening and willing to do whatever to make me comfortable.

We talked about it again last night and he said that if at any point I am uneasy about the situation he can get out and move elsewhere. I guess this house is so desired by the people in training that there is no lease to break, the owner will let them move out at any time. I honestly don''t think it will come to that, but it''s nice to know!

He sounds like a great guy!

Make sure to send him with a nice picture of the two of you together and keep one around for yourself. It might help you both feel better as you adjust to being apart for the few months.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Everyone in the house is military? I wouldn''t worry about it. It''s temporary, and there''s a good possibility that she won''t even be around when he''s there. If he''s never given you reason to not trust him, don''t even think that he''d give you one now.